To cancel Christmas as I’m tired of being let down by my kids

[Toffeelover]

I’m a single mum with 3 young adult boys, who are all different ages but are taking a gap year and are going travelling (separately) next year.
I've decided that I am going to travel too and am letting the house out.
The photographer comes on Tuesday.
i have a shit load of work to do to transform the house from looking like student digs to “Airbnb friendly”.
i bought a new larger bed for one son, but it was not assembled & I’ve had to find & pay for someone to come and do it. They can only come on Sunday and DS1 is massively put out that his lie in will be disturbed.
DS2 was supposed to come home from his gf to help clear his room but has gone AWOL and is not answering his phone.
I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience. I got home to find he’d only done half.
And to cap it all, I’d offered to pay for DS3’s flight if he takes the cat to the cat sitter, thus alleviating me of massive stress (I’ll be in bits leaving the lovely creature) but also allowing me to travel 2 weeks early. He’s just booked his flight before mine leaving me up shit creek.

I’m already struggling to get the house ready and really can’t be bothered to put a Christmas tree up or shop and cook a Christmas dinner. They’d only be the 4 of us anyway.

i feel like I don’t want to give them the money I usually do for Christmas either as they’ve all left me in the lurch and frankly I’ve had enough.

Jesus, reading this back, I come across as a complete doormat.

what do you think?

"no thought for anyone else" = pricks. Sorry but it has to be said, poor behaviour in general has got worse in the last decade or so and I have had enough of people trying to trivialiseit, justify it, or worse, try to project the problem back onto anyone calling it out.

In the OP's situation, something has gone wrong somewhere during the upbringing. In my experience, poor behaviour can start with someone testing the boundaries and pushing a little bit harder each time. When it results in no internalised consequences, it reinforces the idea that such behaviour is acceptable so they keep doing it. This results in them treating the poor behaviour as an entitlement at which point it is virtually impossible to reverse it, and everyone on the receiving end suffers. This is why people have their phones on speaker when using them on trains, or play videos/music out at high volume so that everyone in the carriage can hear, because it has never been nipped in the bud early, it has become an entitlement, and they will now react aggressively if you try to call them out, so everyone now has to make their journeys in a less pleasant environment. Note that this sort of thing can be seen across the age distribution, it is not restricted to young people.

If they can't do things for you, I wouldn't do Christmas for them.

It’s not too late to salvage Christmas. Maybe a family chat to agree who is doing what. But it’s not the time of year to make a big point.

OP, all I’d say is resist the urge to throw everything at it in the hope that this will make things better. It’s in your boys’ hands to do that.

A bit harsh but maybe needed?

honestly, do what you can without crashing is a good idea so, that!

Good luck 🌺

YANBU.

They need to grow up and start behaving like adults.

So sorry OP, I hope you somehow salvage an enjoyable Christmas for yourself

Ds1 can sob all he likes - as you say, he opened your eyes to it.

Ds2 might have seen what was coming or heard you asking for help if he hadn't gone awol so tough 💩 to him too.

Ds3 will have read it through the notification bar, I bet, and is waiting for you to run out of steam at the other two in the hopes of an easy pass.

TBH I’d be bringing my flights forward to Christmas Eve and buggering off early without saying anything!

Get packed and leave them to it..its about time they learnt to appreciate you.
Tell them to sort themselves out for Christmas while you start looking after you that's the only way they will learn to respect you .
You matter too xx

They are young adults, not children and sound like they need a good talking to. Sit them down and explain you need them to contribute with chores and helping you out generally. Most of all, let them know how their behaviour has upset you.

Did they have to do chores growing up? I can’t imagine the audacity expecting to charge your single mother £50 to change some light bulbs in the house you all share, especially after she’s offered to pay for your flight. I take it as he’s booked his flight at a time not good for your travels and without checking and without sorting the cat you’ll no longer be paying for it?

Selfish self centered teenagers. Do it and strike a notch for your self respect

They have become what you have allowed them to be, selfish.

The man cries because he’s upset about the consequences of his own poor behaviour. Boo hoo!

Yeh.. fuck it!
Your the door mat.
Time to let them realise you have had enough.
if they can’t be arsed with you, let them know it works both ways

You sound unhinged. Stressed about leaving a cat? Stressed before a life adventure, that you expect everyone else to inconvenience themselves for?

the only thing they have been unreasonable about was the £50 - that’s cf. everything else, your choice your problem.

I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience

Little fucker 😮

No she doesn't! I'm stressed leaving my cats too.

And who exactly is inconveniencing themselves?

It's not the OP who's coming across as being unhinged...

Are you for real? - "the only thing they have been unreasonable about was the £50 - that’s cf. everything else, your choice your problem."

What a crock.

OP, it seems you’ve been dragged to extreme action by people you don’t even know, to the potential detriment of your relationship with your boys.
The message you said you were going to use was written by someone with an approximately 8 yr old! Completely different to an early 20s child!
Sit down with them or text them, telling them how angry and hurt you are and why. Explain it out to them, they’re only new to the adult world and are finding their way.
I hope you don’t regret your action when you’ve had time away to reflect.

Well aren't you a delight! RTFT

This

I sympathise OP - their behaviour would make me feel put out and would NOT leave me feeling good

YANBU

I have read the full thread and I stick by my comment. I’m fed up with living in a world where so many people aren’t set boundaries and become selfish pricks with a high level of expectation for zero effort. Everyone suffers - not just their parents.
Tough love - it works.
OP - I’m not trying to be a bitch. I just feel like you have to make a stand so they know this behaviour isn’t acceptable. Your sons are potentially going to be someone’s husband one day - show them the right way to treat a woman.

How are you today @Toffeelover ? I hope peace is restored for you and your boys.

Precisely
Not fully mature gimme a break
its called respect its starts at birth 🤦‍♀️

I would give them all a card explaining that the money they were getting has paid for all the jobs you have had to pay someone to do.
you need to let them see how selfish they’re being