To cancel Christmas as I’m tired of being let down by my kids

[Toffeelover]

I’m a single mum with 3 young adult boys, who are all different ages but are taking a gap year and are going travelling (separately) next year.
I've decided that I am going to travel too and am letting the house out.
The photographer comes on Tuesday.
i have a shit load of work to do to transform the house from looking like student digs to “Airbnb friendly”.
i bought a new larger bed for one son, but it was not assembled & I’ve had to find & pay for someone to come and do it. They can only come on Sunday and DS1 is massively put out that his lie in will be disturbed.
DS2 was supposed to come home from his gf to help clear his room but has gone AWOL and is not answering his phone.
I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience. I got home to find he’d only done half.
And to cap it all, I’d offered to pay for DS3’s flight if he takes the cat to the cat sitter, thus alleviating me of massive stress (I’ll be in bits leaving the lovely creature) but also allowing me to travel 2 weeks early. He’s just booked his flight before mine leaving me up shit creek.

I’m already struggling to get the house ready and really can’t be bothered to put a Christmas tree up or shop and cook a Christmas dinner. They’d only be the 4 of us anyway.

i feel like I don’t want to give them the money I usually do for Christmas either as they’ve all left me in the lurch and frankly I’ve had enough.

Jesus, reading this back, I come across as a complete doormat.

what do you think?

This is a great but they're all still living at home and are used to having you do so much for them, they don't know any different and have never had to consider how much work it is to run a home, let alone take care of others.

It sounds like you're making some positive strides and hopefully after they've all been living away they'll return as more responsible and considerate young men. They'll survive having this one bare bones Christmas and hopefully learn from it too!

It’s sounds like you have to much to do already and it sounds like you really need to get going and start to enjoy yourself and have some fun.
they are adults, if they want a tree they can put one up. If they want a turkey let them cook it.

Some people are brilliant parents and do everything right, yet their children don’t turn out the way they hoped or planned. It’s not always the parents’ fault!

This 100%.

I'm in my sixties now, but still perfectly capable of doing either of those jobs myself. Not that I am suggesting for a moment that the OP should be doing them - I completely agree that the son who would be sleeping in the bed should (assuming that he wanted it) be sorting that out its construction himself, and they are all old enough now to start 'giving' to the household they live in rather than just selfishly taking.

They think this has come out of nowhere? They sound like the kind of men who think they are getting divorced over leaving a cup by the sink

How old are these young adult men?

I can’t imagine it going over well if I had told my parents I was charging them to change lightbulbs in their home. It never even came to mind to charge them for any help I gave in their house that I was living in.

The whole not emotionally mature enough and it’s Christmas are f-ing poor excuses. It takes little to be considerate and have some initiative and Christmas is 11 days from now so no, it’s not Christmas and they have that time to sort themselves out and be better sons.

DS1 could likely put his own bed together.

DS2 has little reason not to contact his mother.

DS3 has some nerve to charge his mum and then leave her in a lurch while she is paying for his trip. If he is so in need for money, he could probably charge his brother to put his bed together.

Yeah, doormat. Fuck em. Go live your life having an awesome adventure. They're all adults now and frankly, could probably do with a bit of tough love right now so they learn to function as normal adults and not selfish man babies

No but 3/3 can’t be a coincidence. It’s not a criticism of the OP at all she is probably a brilliant mum who has done lots for her boys over the years and it’s bitten her on the arse a bit now as they expect it! I don’t think it’s fair to cancel Christmas as it seems a bit mean. Shifting the responsibility to them would be better because if there’s no Christmas they’ve no one to blame but themselves!

The DSs clearly place no value on pulling together as a family, so imo the OP shouldn't be unduly swayed by sentiment here.

Nobody can stay abroad without visas. They will be back. If I were the OP, I'd put the house on the market and buy a one bedroom flat before the year is out.

Hopefully this will be the Christmas they remember as the year they grew up and gained respect for their mum. You love your kids, but you don’t have to always like them. Just let them know that you’re not doing Christmas dinner. You’ll bring the pudding, but ONLY if they buy food to contribute- and it must be pre-prepared! 😉

OP

• hire a big transit van. Literally chuck all their things in the van. Get the rooms cleaned take pictures
• Leave the van in the driveway for a week, let them come and go to collect their bits
• on the final day, if stuff hasn’t been taken. Drive to the dump
• you can also use the van to store things while you take pics and can deal with it when you can
• Hire an odd job man to do all these little things. Will be cheaper than getting your kids to do it.

So
DS3 gets nothing - no £50 as he didn't finish the lightbulbs and nothing towards his flight as he's leaving you and the cat in the lurch

DS1 can either get up and put the new bed together before Tuesday

DS2 - has not right to feel miffed - he's been AWOL, not answering his phone and not at home to sort out his room

Feed them over Christmas, but no extras. Also let it be known - you expect gifts and lots of help over Christmas.

I too get very annoyed with this "under 25 so brain not matured" excuse. It may well apply to major decisions, but being supportive to your Mum who's raised you single handed is not a a major decisions - it's how things should be.

Massive pisstakers. Don’t give them a penny and use the extra to extend your travel plans.

I thought this too. They aren’t used to seeing their mum do something purely for herself.

That said, yeah, your sons are being pretty selfish. OP, I wish you the best on your travels and hope you can continue living more for yourself.

This is MN where 'children' are not mature until about 30, if then even, keeping one's off-spring babyish seems to be the norm.

This is the strangest thread. I don’t know what is wrong with MN this evening.

WTF!

You need to be firmer. You said no gifts and now it's nothing more than £50. After how they've behaved?!

I think you've done great to put some boundaries in. I wouldn't worry too much about treating each differently -- sometimes you have to own what you've contributed collectively, even if you didn't have the biggest part in it.

We were allowed at home while studying but had to be respectful of our parents and the house (and we paid our own way, including any new bedroom furniture). I'd tell them they're allowed to come home after travelling but capped at maybe 2 months max with them only getting a place to sleep and having to pay their own food etc. Sometimes people do slip into bad behaviours and need a nudge on what is okay.

They'll get over it.

Same! It’s a ridiculous excuse. Under-25s are qualified midwives, nurses, primary and secondary school teachers, paramedics, police officers etc etc plenty of people I know live in their own homes and drive their own cars before 25. I was married with a house and a baby. The way some people go on you would think you’re still a young teenager.

I hope they are packing their nappies too. Stop infantilising adults. Maybe they shouldn’t go travelling without Mummy to wipe their backsides!

If they can organise travel, they can tidy their bloody rooms etc. they are lazy and taking the mick.

These are three ADULTS not toddlers. It’s also her Christmas or does that not matter. How is she going to enjoy Christmas whilst sorting everything out because 3 free loaders can’t be arsed to lift a finger.

I think changing the locks is a bit extreme with the current housing issues but the rest, absolutely fine. They need to understand you are done with their selfishness and things are going to change but I wouldn’t completely burn all bridges - yet.

Let them stew tonight or for a few days. Family meeting before Christmas. Make it clear you are not budging on Christmas - they haven’t earned gifts. (hope they take the opportunity to get something nice for you). If they would like to join you for the day, you suggest an Indian / Chinese, everyone can contribute. They can provide drinks, dessert.

Draw up a list of tasks still to complete and hand it to them, they can sort out who does it but they must be done.

When you return from your trip if they aren’t paying rent yet, if they wish to stay, they will contribute to the household by paying a fair rate for rent and board, as if you were adult housemates. If they don’t wish to pay, they can move out. They are responsible for their own room, buying furniture, changing their own bloody lightbulbs. If things improve, they can stay. If they revert to how they have been, you will ask them to move out.

Not emotionally mature?!
These young ‘adults’ yes YOU said it… ‘ADULTS’ are complete selfish pisstakers who don’t have an ounce of respect for their mother. She won’t have a nice Christmas with them because they’ll all sit on their arses whilst she waits on them hand and foot, and one of them was certainly emotionally mature enough to charge his own mother £50 for putting a few light bulbs up, and then didn’t even finish the job. I don’t think she’s lucky at all, and she under no obligation to give these ADULT sons anything, including Christmas

It's absolutely this load of garbage spouted that excuses people from being the absolute useless shits that they are.

Not fully mature, front brain not developed but old enough to have a gf, other one at uni, one needs to be paid to be a decent helpful child?

If everyone is about to leave the house for months/a year, aren't gifts pointless?

I'd rather a nice lunch together with everyone chipping in to help.