To cancel Christmas as I’m tired of being let down by my kids

[Toffeelover]

I’m a single mum with 3 young adult boys, who are all different ages but are taking a gap year and are going travelling (separately) next year.
I've decided that I am going to travel too and am letting the house out.
The photographer comes on Tuesday.
i have a shit load of work to do to transform the house from looking like student digs to “Airbnb friendly”.
i bought a new larger bed for one son, but it was not assembled & I’ve had to find & pay for someone to come and do it. They can only come on Sunday and DS1 is massively put out that his lie in will be disturbed.
DS2 was supposed to come home from his gf to help clear his room but has gone AWOL and is not answering his phone.
I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience. I got home to find he’d only done half.
And to cap it all, I’d offered to pay for DS3’s flight if he takes the cat to the cat sitter, thus alleviating me of massive stress (I’ll be in bits leaving the lovely creature) but also allowing me to travel 2 weeks early. He’s just booked his flight before mine leaving me up shit creek.

I’m already struggling to get the house ready and really can’t be bothered to put a Christmas tree up or shop and cook a Christmas dinner. They’d only be the 4 of us anyway.

i feel like I don’t want to give them the money I usually do for Christmas either as they’ve all left me in the lurch and frankly I’ve had enough.

Jesus, reading this back, I come across as a complete doormat.

what do you think?

I have dds this age and it is tricky.
I would put up a small tree, give them some cash for their travels and a small gift to open for Christmas and pack them off with some goodwill and love.

Your boys are scattering to all four corners of the planet, when you finally recover from your total burn out (and this is what it is) you may wish you had used this potentially last Christmas more wisely. I am saying this for your benefit, not theirs btw. They may not come back and make lives for themselves elsewhere as others have done.

As a parent of young people we are often stretched beyond capacity. I absolutely am, we have to take the high road. They are your boys, and you don’t need to keep putting up with poor behaviour- equally they are still growing up and may mature whilst they are away. Don’t pull up the drawbridge completely. I say that as a frazzled mother of young people.

That is way nicer than my kids would get from me. I would have absolutely no qualms about telling them I was ashamed of their behaviour. And like fuck would I say I’ll still make dinner on Christmas for them!

You can make Christmas lunch (to make sure you get good food), but they should wash up, and do everything else.

Is it possible that there is some resentment about this plan, and maybe a bit of anxiety about you going away?

Perhaps a bit of an eye opener that you are going off to fulfil your own dreams!

Good for you, by the way.

All sounds very chaotic, I struggle to imagine how all of you will get yourselves organised to actually pack and leave the country.
How long are you going on holiday for out of interest?

Put the 3 of them out.

Good advice.

Oh no you’re welcome OP. I hope they give their heads a wobble and come home bearing gifts, dusters and good will to help out… if not… well, they’ll soon appreciate you after a year on the road with no one to sort their shit out for them!

Im a single mum, and I hope in 15 years when my boy is off exploring I can do what you’re doing, and go too! I travelled before he was born, and yearn for a slightly less domestic adventure than the one I’m on sometimes.

will you set up a thread and keep us all posted on your travels? Or if you’re planning to blog, please DM me so I can follow your adventure!

have a happy Christmas. And don’t worry. Your young men are behaving badly just now, but they will find their way again. X

You’re doing them no favours indulging their arrogance and sense of entitlement. When my DSD came to live with us at 15 (sent to us by her mother who failed to parent and then claimed DSD was a disaster), I sat DSD down and explained how life works. It’s a social contract and if you treat people well it will generally come back to you, but don’t treat me like dirt and expect a different response from me. Even parent / child relationships should evolve to a place of mutual respect as children end their teens. Half the posts on this board are because those relationships didn’t evolve and someone feels neglected or taken for granted. Have the talk and Christmas dinner is takeout on a paper plate. Any objectors can go buy and cook a turkey!

Yes, perhaps if they weren’t all about to go off traveling- but they’re about to all go off on a gap year. It’s not the time to make a potentially bridge burning stand. It wouldn’t serve the OP, her happiness or her peace of mind in the medium to long term at all.

I have a cat sitter arranged for a max of 2 months, and I was hoping to go away whilst my sons are still here so I could extend my trip. But now that’s looking unlikely.
my sons will be away for 6months to a year I think

They haven’t become like this overnight. This is years of allowing them to behave badly towards you. You can’t be surprised they’ve grown up into arsehole adults?

You won’t see them for such a long time. Don’t leave things on a sour note op. Address the issues by all means but don’t weaponise Christmas.

Why would you leave before them? I am confused.

That doesn't excuse total CF behaviour. I would have a lot of things to say to my young adult son if he tried to charge me £50 for changing some light bulbs.

Just playing Devil's advocate here. Do you want to spend future Christmases with them? I would be very careful about cancelling Christmas if you'd like them to show up in the future.

I hope you don't have a daughter learning from you. You have very low standards and need to learn to expect people to respect you more.

I don’t think it’s fair to cancel Christmas. If they’re all selfish it seems like they’ve been raised that way.

I would either cancel christmas or return all their presents. Definitely don't have them round and spoil them. Let them learn a lesson!

I don't have low standards at all. I have realistic standards and understand child development . I was also taught to talk things through rather than throw my toys out of the pram.

Your boys are absolute piss takers. Put you first for a change OP, you deserve it.

But you'd probably have nipped it in the bud at a suitable time rather than at Xmas.

I think this is a very good way to go about it. Cook a roast dinner or something simple and give them a significantly smaller amount. Then tell them that because of their selfishness they cost you so much money and time that you couldn't afford anything else but you'd like to have a nice celebration with them. They are still young. They will learn but someone has to teach them and tell them explicitly where they are going wrong

Ok, so I’ve taken your advice and drawn a hard line, cancelling Christmas, £50 gifts, telling them to rethink where they’ll be living when they get back.
dS1 in sobbing in the kitchen (he tried to apologise well before I sent my message but I just thanked him for opening my eyes, as his behaviour was the final straw)
DS2 who is the most reasonable and helpful is confused as to how it’s blown up like this without me saying anything before.
DS3 hasn’t read the message yet.

Can I treat DS2 differently because he behaves better?

Please prioritise yourself OP, your lovely cat and your home.
I wouldn't trust your sons with the simplest of tasks, ah, anyone say "light bulb" changing?
They certainly won't care about your dear companion cat.
Best of luck to you, I think this should be a 'cash-less' Christmas for such ungrateful, unhelpful, ungracious kids.