To cancel Christmas as I’m tired of being let down by my kids

[Toffeelover]

I’m a single mum with 3 young adult boys, who are all different ages but are taking a gap year and are going travelling (separately) next year.
I've decided that I am going to travel too and am letting the house out.
The photographer comes on Tuesday.
i have a shit load of work to do to transform the house from looking like student digs to “Airbnb friendly”.
i bought a new larger bed for one son, but it was not assembled & I’ve had to find & pay for someone to come and do it. They can only come on Sunday and DS1 is massively put out that his lie in will be disturbed.
DS2 was supposed to come home from his gf to help clear his room but has gone AWOL and is not answering his phone.
I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience. I got home to find he’d only done half.
And to cap it all, I’d offered to pay for DS3’s flight if he takes the cat to the cat sitter, thus alleviating me of massive stress (I’ll be in bits leaving the lovely creature) but also allowing me to travel 2 weeks early. He’s just booked his flight before mine leaving me up shit creek.

I’m already struggling to get the house ready and really can’t be bothered to put a Christmas tree up or shop and cook a Christmas dinner. They’d only be the 4 of us anyway.

i feel like I don’t want to give them the money I usually do for Christmas either as they’ve all left me in the lurch and frankly I’ve had enough.

Jesus, reading this back, I come across as a complete doormat.

what do you think?

If my child would ask for 50£ for helping out with something minor as light bulbs I would break down and cry wondering where I went wrong. My 14 ans 11 year old DS are lazy but will do their bit when asked. They have never asked for money. If they did I would start to charge them for cleaning their laundry and feeding them😄

This…they could stay abroad, find partners, have kids etc.

Well hoorah for that, OP can get on with her life without 3 selfish freeloaders

Op just wondering what you mean by ‘there’ll only be 4 of us’ ? Are you newly single? I don’t think you sound like a doormat, just the typical thing of men not being helpful when you need them! Tell them you’re exhausted and need help x

edited to add tell the sun who wanted money what you think of his request! Insanity!

I think the only extra I'd offer is for them to make up for this by sorting Christmas.

If they want to shop and prepare a big Christmas meal and do all the cleaning etc then you will happily accept this and enjoy the day but they have to pitch in.

As for paying someone to put the bed up, those lazy shits can do that too!

I hope they all realise they’ve let you down and behave much better over Christmas. Maybe you can sit down with them and make sure they know that this isn’t trivial or mum having a bad day - they can’t just forget it and do the same again. Then I hope you can have a nice Christmas together before your travels!

I have a lot of sympathy for you because I think I have a similar personality. I am someone who can unconsciously sleepwalk into putting up with stuff like that from kids. I suspect I learned this pattern of behaviour early in my life because everyone’s posts feels unnatural! But I would eventually get resentful and without understanding where it was springing from, project onto the kids with unrelated stuff, so I knew I had to work at learning how to express displeasure early on and specifically with the issue at hand.
Since DD moved out, she has become a lot more grateful, thankful and helpful. She does whatever favours I ask without complaints. My DS who is a recent adult apologises for his selfish moments money grabbing moments and has become helpful - taking on a lot of the cooking and cleaning.
So it’s not too late to start expressing displeasure early on and I think it’s critical for a good relationship.

Hold the line for the lot of them.
They all need a dose of reality.
Let the sobber sob.

Focus on being firm and getting the house sorted.

We teach our kids how to treat us and most of us are guilty of doing too much and suffering the consequences of them using the house like a hotel.

My parents accused us of the same thing I'm sure!

I have found periodic periods of scorched earth very effective.

In my case fxxking off on holiday and leaving them to fend for themselves with zero shopping done.

In my experience the less you do the more they appreciate.

I cook max 2-3 times a week and have just told them that bar Christmas day, I'm on kitchen holiday.

I am 60 and have zero interest in cooking any longer, so do the least I can.

OP, can you trust the kids to leave the house looking okay if other people are going to rent it? I wouldn't have a lot of faith in them to be honest. And good for you for standing your ground with them.

100% do whatever you need to do.

@Petrasings you just stop wont you, on here not really making much sense when the issue is patently clear.

As for the tears, good. The OP's sons are selfish fuckers and their sense of entitlement drips from OP's posts.

I would have gone one step further and cancelled Christmas for all 3 of them and not given as much as a pound to these terrible sounding young men.

Ugh at the charging for changing light bulbs... and the lazy prick who was put out at having to wake up for delivery of new bed. I would be thoroughly ashamed of all 3 of them.

Male privilege, entitlement and misogyny is getting worse and is certainly a commonplace topic, yet there are always posters falling over themselves to come out with crap like blaming their emotional maturity etc. Always excuses for unacceptable male behaviour. Pathetic. It is getting worse and some of what I read on here informs me of the reason why.

Wow

Yes, you are a doormat

And secondly you can not cancel Christmas, it comes around on the 25th of December every year. It happens, like it or not

How you celebrate or ignore is your choice, but no you can not cancel Christmas

have a great time travelling OP! I'm still learning boundaries with my DD who already thinks I'm a doormat, just from the toddler and pre school years. Re-teaching her that I'm not! I was a bit conditioned by peer pressure at the beginning to just be 'nice' and 'kind' to her, and modern day 'talk to you children, not time outs' and baby led xyz and all that and it just makes them entitled! Now I've started to notice a lot of kids are bratty these days and we're all doing the same gentle stuff. I get funny looks for being firm and harsher with her now, but I'm learning to stop caring what other people think.

Sorry to this person for tagging. It popped up and won't let me delete it! @AlertCat

Sounds like you raised selfish bellends and you enable their behaviour.

paying for a flight to take the cat to the vet? What the fuck.

I‘m torn OP. I was a prize dickhead to my parents when I was that age, and I’m a girl. I was a good kid in school, hit uni, got a boyfriend, became all about me,
myself & I. I also grew up in one of the most affluent areas of the country so I’d no sense of perspective.

If it’s a consolation to you, I came back around and I see my mother
almost daily now.

I notice in these threads there often seems to be vetting from one extreme to the other.
Say what you want, what you expect. That they care about you and the house and treat you with respect.

Ha ha ha. Not emotionally mature?? My 14yo is more emotionally mature.

They sound like selfish freeloaders. Maybe a short sharp shock will do them good.

How old are they? That makes a difference to me. Brains don’t fully mature til around 24 and even then boys socially and emotionally it’s later…I think you’re being really harsh. Particularly on DS1 who apologised before you sent your message. Maybe you find him triggering in other ways? Only you know. Good luck with whatever you decide. Young men have so few decent role models, I’m not surprised they struggle. Yours sound at the pretty great end to be honest…

Not fully emotionally mature true but that doesn't excuse this behaviour.

The trouble is is that they've spent their entire lives being looked after by you and now can't switch the dynamic. Telling, or asking them isn't working. They need to understand that they are responsible for their own rooms. You should all agree a list of jobs between you. What you need to do is frame things as though you are all equal now and get them to suggest how they can help. You could start by sitting down with a big list and saying that you simply cannot manage it all and ask what they suggest each does.

This sort of thing is why there are boatloads of women on here moaning about infantilised, useless men enabled by mothers who pander to them.

When I was a mildly delinquent and totally thoughtless youth, my mum used the “put all the dirty cups / plates lying around the bedroom under the quilt’ technique. I swiftly learnt the joys of washing up. We are the best of friends. Have the Christmas you want, and so richly deserve and enjoy your travels xx

I know tweens who would understand this is terrible and selfish behaviour.

Op please don't ignore their awful behaviour just to save this Christmas. They are mature enough to travel themselves, don't make allowances for their behaviour.
Have they always been this selfish?
Don't let them treat you like this, what lesson is that teaching them, god help their poor partners in the future.
£50 to change lightbulbs??? I've read some shitty things on Mumsnet but this really is shocking

f'king hell. No wonder we have so many problems with male entitlement.

There are enablers all over the place making excuses for them and chatting shit about brain maturity

It is about respect and decency. Even my 11 yr old dd knows what this means and how it applies to family members and her mother.

FFS stop excusing shitty, lazy, disrespectful, take take take behaviour.

I bet OP can make a long list of many more examples where her 3 adult sons just take the piss and treat her like their general dogsbody.

But yeah, keep coming and posting excuses for men doing what they want.