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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel Christmas as I’m tired of being let down by my kids

201 replies

Toffeelover · 14/12/2024 18:14

I’m a single mum with 3 young adult boys, who are all different ages but are taking a gap year and are going travelling (separately) next year.
I've decided that I am going to travel too and am letting the house out.
The photographer comes on Tuesday.
i have a shit load of work to do to transform the house from looking like student digs to “Airbnb friendly”.
i bought a new larger bed for one son, but it was not assembled & I’ve had to find & pay for someone to come and do it. They can only come on Sunday and DS1 is massively put out that his lie in will be disturbed.
DS2 was supposed to come home from his gf to help clear his room but has gone AWOL and is not answering his phone.
I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience. I got home to find he’d only done half.
And to cap it all, I’d offered to pay for DS3’s flight if he takes the cat to the cat sitter, thus alleviating me of massive stress (I’ll be in bits leaving the lovely creature) but also allowing me to travel 2 weeks early. He’s just booked his flight before mine leaving me up shit creek.

I’m already struggling to get the house ready and really can’t be bothered to put a Christmas tree up or shop and cook a Christmas dinner. They’d only be the 4 of us anyway.

i feel like I don’t want to give them the money I usually do for Christmas either as they’ve all left me in the lurch and frankly I’ve had enough.

Jesus, reading this back, I come across as a complete doormat.

what do you think?

OP posts:
YourTurnForTheTree · 14/12/2024 22:05

Toffeelover · 14/12/2024 19:53

Ok, so I’ve taken your advice and drawn a hard line, cancelling Christmas, £50 gifts, telling them to rethink where they’ll be living when they get back.
dS1 in sobbing in the kitchen (he tried to apologise well before I sent my message but I just thanked him for opening my eyes, as his behaviour was the final straw)
DS2 who is the most reasonable and helpful is confused as to how it’s blown up like this without me saying anything before.
DS3 hasn’t read the message yet.

Can I treat DS2 differently because he behaves better?

confused as to how it’s blown up like this without me saying anything before.

This is the crux really OP. They have got away with it for too long. Hope open communication will strengthen your bonds now. Good luck x

Original poster
Toffeelover · 14/12/2024 22:06

the7Vabo · 14/12/2024 21:27

I‘m torn OP. I was a prize dickhead to my parents when I was that age, and I’m a girl. I was a good kid in school, hit uni, got a boyfriend, became all about me,
myself & I. I also grew up in one of the most affluent areas of the country so I’d no sense of perspective.

If it’s a consolation to you, I came back around and I see my mother
almost daily now.

Ooh your message made me a bit teary. I do hope things turn around for me, I love them so much. I’d love to have the relationship you sound like you have with your mum

OP posts:
Insertcreativenamehere · 14/12/2024 22:15

It sounds like you have raised them to be inconsiderate pricks and you are now reaping your rewards…..

Notadream · 14/12/2024 22:31

Toffeelover · 14/12/2024 18:14

I’m a single mum with 3 young adult boys, who are all different ages but are taking a gap year and are going travelling (separately) next year.
I've decided that I am going to travel too and am letting the house out.
The photographer comes on Tuesday.
i have a shit load of work to do to transform the house from looking like student digs to “Airbnb friendly”.
i bought a new larger bed for one son, but it was not assembled & I’ve had to find & pay for someone to come and do it. They can only come on Sunday and DS1 is massively put out that his lie in will be disturbed.
DS2 was supposed to come home from his gf to help clear his room but has gone AWOL and is not answering his phone.
I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience. I got home to find he’d only done half.
And to cap it all, I’d offered to pay for DS3’s flight if he takes the cat to the cat sitter, thus alleviating me of massive stress (I’ll be in bits leaving the lovely creature) but also allowing me to travel 2 weeks early. He’s just booked his flight before mine leaving me up shit creek.

I’m already struggling to get the house ready and really can’t be bothered to put a Christmas tree up or shop and cook a Christmas dinner. They’d only be the 4 of us anyway.

i feel like I don’t want to give them the money I usually do for Christmas either as they’ve all left me in the lurch and frankly I’ve had enough.

Jesus, reading this back, I come across as a complete doormat.

what do you think?

One year when my daughter was a teenager she misbehaved so badly I didn't give her any gifts on the day and took them all back. I don't think you a being harsh at all.

the7Vabo · 14/12/2024 22:34

Insertcreativenamehere · 14/12/2024 22:15

It sounds like you have raised them to be inconsiderate pricks and you are now reaping your rewards…..

Even if this were true it isn’t helpful.

They don’t give out some magic formula to raise kids that the OP neglected to ask about.

All anyone can do is look at the go-forward.

If the oldest was that much of a prick he wouldn’t be crying. He wouldnt care.

Going forward I’d suggest the message is I love you & I support you, but I expect each of you to contribute to the family unit - family gathering etc everyone brings a dish, does wash-up, no one gets paid to help mum
with something, you help your mum because it’s the decent thing to do. You behave like the young adult that you are. Mum needs a bed built “dear 3 strapping sons I need a bed built, let me know when suits and ill make lasagna that day”

Inkyblue123 · 14/12/2024 22:38

Can you volunteer for Xmas day? Spend the day with people who will appreciate you, I’ve done it a few times and it is really lovely and very much in the spirit of Xmas. Let them fend for themselves, maybe a tray of turkey sandwiches?

Hercisback1 · 14/12/2024 22:43

They aren't pricks. They're early 20s lads with no thought for anyone else. Now you've spelled it out to them, they're sorry. The only way we can raise them better is to educate them. We can all wish that kids would "just notice" what we do, but they don't.

ButterCrackers · 14/12/2024 22:53

What selfish layabouts. Go away for a few days at Christmas and leave them to it. Use the Christmas money to hire a housecleaning service the day of your return. Ask a local pet sitter to take your cat to the cat sitter. Don’t bother shopping or cooking etc for them. The reply is I can’t be bothered. Unplug/remove the plug from the washing machine so they do their washing at the laundrette. Get rid of the wifi code. Make sure they are paying for their phones and the bills at home. Do the house pictures after the deep clean. The travel will do them good.

NalafromtheLionKing · 14/12/2024 22:58

I feel really sorry for your boys, especially DS1. You’re still their mum and you would do this to them? All young people can be a bit thoughtless and the only son who is even in the wrong is DS3 (DS2 didn’t even know your expectations).

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 14/12/2024 23:03

Insertcreativenamehere · 14/12/2024 22:15

It sounds like you have raised them to be inconsiderate pricks and you are now reaping your rewards…..

It sounds as if you don't have a clue what you are talking about.

It's really really hard when kids have lived away from home and come back. I don't know if your boys have done that. They revert to being stroppy lazy teens when they come home, and it's a huge adjustment for both you and them.

I don't know how to advise you because I have three who can also be lazy bastards frankly. I don't believe they were raised to be "inconsiderate pricks" - quite the contrary actually. They can be incredibly loving, kind and generous a lot of the time, and then there's times I just want to kick their arses.

There's times when I ask them to do something, only to be told "it's not my house!" and I'm like, "well you are fucking living in it, and I am not here to look after your lazy arse!"

It's challenging. I bet a good proportion of the nasty replies are coming from people who haven't been in this situation. I hear plenty of other parents complain similarly about their 20-somethings, and they are well brought up kids too.

Darker · 14/12/2024 23:10

I raised my kids as a single mum of three and I wonder if mine missed out on seeing parents helping each other and just got used to me doing it all. There wasn’t another parent to rally them to do stuff to be helpful/kind/share the load.

They are fine but I have had enough ‘moments’ to find the OPs post relatable.

Enough4me · 14/12/2024 23:10

Sometimes we all need to step back and give people space to listen and fill the gap. Judge all 3 as individuals now based on their actions.
If no2 still does more, acknowledge it. Thank him, offer to do more with him. Perhaps 1 and 3 will start to see how it's helpful to be respectful.

Popcorn63 · 14/12/2024 23:47

Chowtime · 14/12/2024 18:54

You raised those 3 boys @Toffeelover

I know it's Christmas, but it wasn't "Immaculate Conception " in this case was it???
Somewhere in the mix there was a Father, yet people prefer to pile on the mother and not even ask why the Father is absent? Give the woman a break.
And OP - take care of yourself and let these boys experience some severe consequences for their rude, selfish and cruel behaviour. I'd be cancelling that flight and paying for nothing from today.
Sell the bed, throw the bedroom contents in a skip bin and tell them to either provide Christmas lunch or bugger off.
You are not a doormat.
And this threat of "you may not get another Christmas with them after they travel "? Good, who'd want to sit at a table with those obnoxious men???

Dawncleo62 · 15/12/2024 00:02

They are Entitled Brats!! Tell them that sort the Cat & anything else meaningful & F*ck Off & leave them to deal with fallout

Imafraidtosayctr8 · 15/12/2024 00:18

Op, no advice, because I have similar issues and I don't know what the answer is, just wanted to send solidarity vibes. It feels so frustrating and lonely 💐

Also, just wanted to say that many posters with younger dc think this will never happen to them, but some young adults, who grow up to be the nicest unselfish people, can go through a really selfish phase and think they know it all. So don't go blaming yourself.

AmethystMist · 15/12/2024 00:19

I might be watching too many Xmas films but I think this is one where there should be a switcheroo whereby sons sort Christmas for mum!

CleverGreyDuck · 15/12/2024 00:23

Mums sometimes forget to put themselves first, but sometimes that’s ok

ProvincialLady24 · 15/12/2024 00:26

I think that you best thing you can for them is to explain that while you move them, you're disappointed by their lazy incompetence. Then tell then that while you are travelling they are on their own and that it's probably time for them to move our.

handholdneeded2024 · 15/12/2024 08:41

@Popcorn63 that was my comment. I really feel for the OP as her boys have been awful. I just worry that this could have massive consequences in the future. And although the OP might not want to spend another Christmas with her boys, if she's lucky enough to have grandchildren in the future then this one Christmas might mean that her chance to have Christmas with them in the future might be well and truly scuppered.

Kicking your children out and cancelling Christmas could sound very different in the retelling by her sons and I'm sure that there are many girlfriends and friends who would wholeheartedly support the boys and think the OP is a nightmare.

Jimjamssy · 15/12/2024 09:10

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting
I agree.

Even the nicest of children can be surprisingly selfish when they are so wrapped up in college, socialising, part time jobs etc.
In and out at all hours and thinking that the world revolves around them.

I have found no longer doing laundry and telling them they know where the freezer is if they are hungry to be effective.

I am not a short order chef for when they suddenly need feeding.

My eldest has moved out and is stunned at just how much planning and work goes into cooking as now that he is paying substantial rent he is no longer on first name terms with all the delivery guys for food!
No shit sherlock!
He isn't half appreciative of mum making him anything these days when he visits.

Daisy12Maisie · 15/12/2024 09:12

I don't ask anything of my son in general as he is doing his GCSE's and is struggling to get the grades he needs. BUT when I do ask for something he drops what he is doing and comes and helps me. Eg when I've lost my phone he will stop playing on the computer and help me find it. If the cupboard door comes off (our kitchen is old and rubbish) he will screw it back on for me without me asking.
So your boys should be helping you when you need help. I would say I've had to downscale Christmas as I've had to pay people to do all the odd jobs as I can't do it and no one has helped me. No one can argue with that. So whatever the budget would have been take out the money you have had to pay for lightbulbs being fixed and beds being assembled.
Also depending on how long you are away for the people in the house might look after the cat or a neighbour might pop in. It's worth looking into.!

Pedallleur · 15/12/2024 09:42

Might as well have WELCOME tattooed on your forehead. Good to see Rubicon being used on a thread

Deboragh · 15/12/2024 17:50

Jimjamssy · 14/12/2024 18:21

Adults now?
Get them permanently out.
I wouldn't do a thing.
Let them off.
They sound like complete wasters.
Stop tolerating it.
Clearly you have been far too soft.
It never ends well.

Remove their keys from them.
You are only asking for stress by allowing them to keep them.
Change the lock barrel if necessary.

Edited

'wasters'? I think you spelt wankers wrong!

IncreasinglyGrumpy · 15/12/2024 17:54

Toffeelover · 14/12/2024 18:14

I’m a single mum with 3 young adult boys, who are all different ages but are taking a gap year and are going travelling (separately) next year.
I've decided that I am going to travel too and am letting the house out.
The photographer comes on Tuesday.
i have a shit load of work to do to transform the house from looking like student digs to “Airbnb friendly”.
i bought a new larger bed for one son, but it was not assembled & I’ve had to find & pay for someone to come and do it. They can only come on Sunday and DS1 is massively put out that his lie in will be disturbed.
DS2 was supposed to come home from his gf to help clear his room but has gone AWOL and is not answering his phone.
I asked DS3 to change some lightbulbs for me whilst I was out. He sent me a message asking for £50 for the inconvenience. I got home to find he’d only done half.
And to cap it all, I’d offered to pay for DS3’s flight if he takes the cat to the cat sitter, thus alleviating me of massive stress (I’ll be in bits leaving the lovely creature) but also allowing me to travel 2 weeks early. He’s just booked his flight before mine leaving me up shit creek.

I’m already struggling to get the house ready and really can’t be bothered to put a Christmas tree up or shop and cook a Christmas dinner. They’d only be the 4 of us anyway.

i feel like I don’t want to give them the money I usually do for Christmas either as they’ve all left me in the lurch and frankly I’ve had enough.

Jesus, reading this back, I come across as a complete doormat.

what do you think?

I'd say "look lads, I've got lots going on and I just don't have the time to do Christmas'. If you want it to happen you'll have to do it. Otherwise it's beans on toast and ill be packing.

Toptops · 15/12/2024 17:55

Good for you