Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
Another2Cats · 15/12/2024 19:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 17:05

Don't date another shit old man. Raise your bar all the way up.

Show quote history

Not all older men are like that and, frankly, I think it's quite a lazy assumption to make.

My DH is 12 years older than me (so likely the same age difference as here). I was 28 when we married.

I am now 59 and we are still very happily married after more than 30 years.

btw, if anything he is more active than I am these days and we have a great time together.

[EDIT]

Just to say, we once had his sister-in-law (his brother's wife) stay with us for around 3 months. That was by far enough time, I couldn't imagine putting up with something like that for 5 years.

Booboobagins · 15/12/2024 19:08

Well done you.

Be rid of the not so darling partner and his CF brother.

Here's to the rest of your life x

Username2532 · 15/12/2024 19:13

FrogsLoveRain · 14/12/2024 16:59

Oh my gosh OP, you've had the patience and restraint of a saint!

Enjoy your new home guilt free. Don't let your DP guilt trip you.

Was going to say exactly the same.

@Elise89 You’re doing the right thing
You’ve tried for 5 years!! It’s fallen on deaf ears.Your DP, is probably in a state of shock, who’s going to buy all the food and pay the bills now! (You’ve been supporting another person, that’s why you haven’t been unable to buy clothes and new glasses!!)
Yes agree with @FrogsLoveRain enjoy your new home, don’t let DP guilt trip you (he’s allowed this to happen, knowing it was only supposed to be temporary)

Nikki75 · 15/12/2024 19:38

Pack up and go your new place will be so lovely your own space and peace.
How lazy the BIL is wow I'd crack up I'd run as fast as my legs would take measure he got no self respect.
More fool your Dp for allowing this .
I'm singing "These boots we're made for walking" x

Nikki75 · 15/12/2024 19:39

Nikki75 · 15/12/2024 19:38

Pack up and go your new place will be so lovely your own space and peace.
How lazy the BIL is wow I'd crack up I'd run as fast as my legs would take measure he got no self respect.
More fool your Dp for allowing this .
I'm singing "These boots we're made for walking" x

Me not measure 😄

user1471538283 · 15/12/2024 19:46

You've fed a grown man for 5 years? That's outrageous. I'm so happy you've got your own place. Your ex can now feed his brother and pay all the bills ...

2catsandhappy · 15/12/2024 19:53

Go you! Your ex will have a shock when the bills are in his name for only him to pay.
Hmmm wonder how long it will be for ex to shake his brother into the real world.
Who cares?
You will have a lovely Christmas and a lovely view of the new year.
Madam, I salute you @Elise89

Thisismynewname23 · 15/12/2024 20:00

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:00

Thank you, I will get on with cancelling all the direct debits on Monday. I don’t want to be liable for their expenses any more. And I’ll be taking everything that I bought with me too as most of the furniture was bought with my money or came from my old flat when I lived alone.

Show quote history

Make sure you don’t just cancel the direct debits, tell the companies you have moved out and close the accounts or you will be liable, make sure you redirect your post xx good luck xx

TopshopCropTop · 15/12/2024 20:07

I’m sorry but YABU to have put up with this for 5 years!!?? I dont know what on earth you’ve been thinking. Insanity. Get out now before you waste any more of your life like this.

devilspawn · 15/12/2024 20:15

It's a bit weird to say you're doing it for money reasons and then put yourself into a situation that costs you more. Not only in rent, but in food, utilities, responsibility, time spent cleaning on chores etc. I'm guessing money isn't actually the reason.

TheDowagerCountessofPembroke · 15/12/2024 20:16

Well done! Do keep us updated. Don’t listen to any promises he makes.

SquirrelSoShiny · 15/12/2024 20:20

YABU to have stayed so long but you are not being unreasonable to ditch this pair of user wastrels! Don't you dare waste any more time! Go live a fabulous life!

miss79guided · 15/12/2024 20:24

and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes

If nothin changes, nothin changes

Comfort zone and all that - there is NOT a reason for things to change - provide THAT reason, and MAKE that change

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2024 20:26

Another2Cats · 15/12/2024 19:07

Not all older men are like that and, frankly, I think it's quite a lazy assumption to make.

My DH is 12 years older than me (so likely the same age difference as here). I was 28 when we married.

I am now 59 and we are still very happily married after more than 30 years.

btw, if anything he is more active than I am these days and we have a great time together.

[EDIT]

Just to say, we once had his sister-in-law (his brother's wife) stay with us for around 3 months. That was by far enough time, I couldn't imagine putting up with something like that for 5 years.

Edited
Show quote history

It's not about you though. This is a shit old man. And there are a lot of older men who pick younger women because they can gaslight and manipulate them more easily.

Yours doesn't. Congratulations. My post wasn't about him.

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 20:40

He had lots of opportunities to make things actually change. He could have paid more, he could have turfed his brother out, he could even have thanked you, which is free. He didn’t do any of those.

Laura95167 · 15/12/2024 20:56

Congratulations on your new flat!

Donsyb · 15/12/2024 21:04

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:36

He lived in their home country which is in Europe. Now I reckon he never intended on going back. I think it’s hard to find work in their home country and there’s no financial support for the unemployed like there is here, so I’m guessing he couldn’t support himself at home anyway and just brought his clothes here for his “visit” with no intention of going back. Over the summer we did actually go on holiday to their home country so he could’ve stayed! It’s one of the things that made me want to break up to be honest. My ex complained that I didn’t thank his brother for paying for a few meals out on holiday, and I just thought he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

Edited
Show quote history

How is he able to stay here post Brexit? If he doesn’t have a job he won’t get settled status?

Nc546888 · 15/12/2024 21:04

That would give me the massive ick. It’s basically a third wheel

AngelicKaty · 15/12/2024 21:23

Laurmolonlabe · 15/12/2024 18:12

I would do the same, but I would have it out with them both together first, if you only rent suggest to DP that you both move and leave his brother behind.
Honestly as soon as the last lockdown lifted I would have packed his bags booked him into an hotel near the airport, called a taxi and waved goodbye to him. I'd guess your DP wouldn't have objected , it seems he (like most men is a moral coward and hasn't got the backbone to do it himself).
TBH I'd have heard warning bells as soon as he suggested his brother stay for "a few weeks" , this, to me, is not normal- he probably knows he would freeload.
The "I love you" is real if he agrees to move and leave the brother behind.

" ... if you only rent suggest to DP that you both move and leave his brother behind." They can't do this - the brother has no tenancy agreement with the LL. THEY have a 12 month fixed term tenancy which isn't due to end until the summer so, unless the LL is prepared to allow them to end the tenancy early, they're both still liable to pay the rent until the FT tenancy ends

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 15/12/2024 22:04

All the best @Elise89 .

Peace and quiet in your lovely new place will feel like Nirvana.

ChellyT · 15/12/2024 22:23

I have issues with the 1% that aside

Yay @Elise89 a new little flat all to yourself 🌸 Well done! You have definitely done the right thing. You are too young to be burdened with two man children!

Do you think that your actions were not aligning with your words with your DP and this is why he didn't take you seriously? It doesn't matter, stick to your guns the responses I have read are nothing more than positive 🌸

bracemyselfagain · 15/12/2024 22:25

You are officially one of my heroes!

Go get your life back babe! 🫶

H34th · 15/12/2024 22:36

Remember to redirect your mail to your new address.

www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/redirection

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/12/2024 22:51

If your Stbx doesn't let you out of the lease early, I would tell the landlord about the BIL living there for so long. Then, I would do NOTHING for either of them. Kick your stbx out of the bedroom, do not buy them food, or buy them stuff you know they will not eat. Do not cook for them, clean, pay the TV bill or any other bill you can get away with not paying. If you pay a joint phone bill, get it put in just your name. Change Wi-Fi password. Do not do any of their laundry. Make your ex sorry that he is keeping you there as his prisoner.

ThankULord · 15/12/2024 23:11

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 21:52

Thank you, we did know that we would have to keep the property until the end of the tenancy and we’re not going to leave the house vacant without paying. I guess the issue would be if they don’t pay the rent I will still be liable until the tenancy ends?

Show quote history

Call the landlord, tell them them you and partner are ending the relationship, they should take your name of the tenancy agreement and your partner wants to stay till end of current tenancy.

It doesn't have to end the tenancy for everyone, not all landlords are that inflexible. Most LL want their property occupied and receiving rent. What is important to them is to have a signed agreement from someone who will be responsible for paying the rent.
They will send a new agreement with only your partners name on it, to be signed.

The problem will be if your partner refuses to sign it. Then yes, you could be ...would also be liable for any monies that need paying when they move out - rent owed, damages etc

Swipe left for the next trending thread