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Original poster

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
Cariadm · 16/12/2024 01:38

'my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!' 🙄Doesn't that just about sum it up OP?! 😮
It's astonishing just how many 'freeloaders' there are in this world but the worst of this is that your DP allowed it to go on for so long when it was patently obvious that it was both unfair and you were NOT at all happy with the situation!
Get out of there! Do not waver! Do not look back and although it will not be without some sadness at the ending of a relationship, this one had reached it's natural end long ago and you did not cause this to happen!
I hope that your parents and family will be as loving and supportive as you deserve!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!! xx🤗

OldScribbler · 16/12/2024 05:05

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:04

I forgot to add, these ‘men’ are early-mid 40’s, I’m late 20’s. He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas. I kept asking when his flight was but my partner never told me, then Covid hit and he couldn’t get a flight at all, whether to his other brothers or home. Although I was expecting him to leave as soon as lockdown etc was lifted and flights were operating again. But no!

Two aging leeches. Take as much stuff as possible with you.

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 16/12/2024 06:47

Knittedfairies2 · 14/12/2024 16:56

Good for you! Enjoy your new home.

I agree with this poster. Definitely leave to get your own flat and leave them to it. You only get one life, don't waste any of it it on those two CF's!

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 16/12/2024 06:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 17:54

he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

It's interesting how many women on here say something horrible, or shocking, or shameful, or ugly a man has done to them and end it with LOL or haha or 😂

What you're doing is trying to cover up the cognitive dissonance of knowing something is dreadfully wrong and doing it anyway. Next time you're tempted to LOL about something awful, try to say the same thing completely deadpan. Sit with the feelings.

He has never thanked you for washing his pants. For five years. Sit in that place. And then don't think about why he did that, that piece is obvious. Think about why you did that. The first time you did his laundry and he didn't say thanks, why did you do it a second time?

I know a woman who is much older than me. She said when she got married she wanted to be a good wife and made her DH a packed lunch for work. He came back and critiqued it. She never made him a lunch again. Not once in decades of marriage. They are happily married. In part because of her boundaries.

Do not make this mistake again. Come here and ask if you have to. But don't sleepwalk into being a servant again.

Sorry to be a pathetic fangirl, @MrsTerryPratchett, but I cannot tell you how many times I've read one of your comments and wanted to applaud afterwards! You are extremely wise!

Rottweilermummy · 16/12/2024 09:33

Well done for getting out of there, don't even let your partner know your new address, get post redirected.
Can't believe he's letting his brother get away with not contributing at all. His brother probably won't last long once you've gone. But not your problem anymore.
Must have put a real damper on your relationship.
Enjoy your new home.

Laurmolonlabe · 16/12/2024 09:35

The fact the brother has no tenancy agreement with the LL is not your problem- he is an adult he needs to solve his own problems.
You are making excuses not to face this head on- it's been going 5 years, there will have been plenty of junctures where you could have dealt with this, you need to just face it, there is not reason why your OH's brother could not take over the tenancy-other than he doesn't want to pay.
I have never met a LL who would create a fuss if they are getting their rent on time

Moonlightstars · 16/12/2024 09:38

In fact aim to wash no men's pants unless they are your young children's!

daleylama · 16/12/2024 11:24

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

5 years ! No contributions?! You're a saint , and have been a bit of a doormat TBH .

Minc · 16/12/2024 13:08

I doubt there was ever a plan for the brother to leave — if he still had options overseas he’d have gone back. Somebody probably threw him out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2024 14:21

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 16/12/2024 06:53

Sorry to be a pathetic fangirl, @MrsTerryPratchett, but I cannot tell you how many times I've read one of your comments and wanted to applaud afterwards! You are extremely wise!

Show quote history

'Wise' is often code for 'really really stupid for a long time but finally learned from her mistakes' Grin

But also thanks, that's lovely.

miss79guided · 16/12/2024 22:34

Another2Cats · 15/12/2024 19:07

Not all older men are like that and, frankly, I think it's quite a lazy assumption to make.

My DH is 12 years older than me (so likely the same age difference as here). I was 28 when we married.

I am now 59 and we are still very happily married after more than 30 years.

btw, if anything he is more active than I am these days and we have a great time together.

[EDIT]

Just to say, we once had his sister-in-law (his brother's wife) stay with us for around 3 months. That was by far enough time, I couldn't imagine putting up with something like that for 5 years.

Edited
Show quote history

I think it's quite a lazy assumption to make

> NOT been proven otherwise - except may B Richard Gere

Silverfoxette · 17/12/2024 10:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 16:57

he loves me blah blah.

Blah blah indeed. Enjoy your new home. I hope BIL gets sores on his arse from sitting around like a toad under a stone.

🤣🤣 love this!!

MyJobNow · 17/12/2024 11:02

Yes, get the heck out of it and leave them to stew in the mess which will probably grow and fester around them.
My best wishes for the move, a home of your own and a new chapter in your life.

Silverfoxette · 17/12/2024 11:05

Best of luck to you, you deserve happiness, enjoy your new home 💕

Sennelier1 · 17/12/2024 14:28

Of course they will miss you, nobody left to cater for them, do their foodshopping, cooking and cleaning. Run girl, run! As you should've done earlier, but better now than never. You are still very young, time enough to build yourself a new life! Wishing you all the luck 😘

AngelicKaty · 17/12/2024 17:33

Elise89 · 15/12/2024 00:52

Thank you everyone, I will do as a past poster said and keep this chat and read it when I’m feeling weak

How are you doing OP? Have you spoken to your LL yet about ending the joint tenancy early? Has he agreed to you doing that? What about your STBEx?

Jumpingoffthefence · 18/12/2024 13:23

Not unreasonable, don’t look back at those two freeloaders.

Enjoy your new home and freedom.

Marosanne · 18/12/2024 20:22

You're 100% doing the right thing! Good luck and be happy x

Ee1498 · 19/12/2024 20:47

Your ex is trying to convince you to stay as you were paying all the bills and being a live in maid. Please don't consider giving him a 2nd chance.
Remember an apology without action/change is just manipulation.

I hope you will be very happy in your new home. New year,fresh start 🙂

Silvertulips · 20/12/2024 08:01

OP said she was moving next week - hopefully she has moved and is now in a happier place. Good luck to you

Original poster
Elise89 · 20/12/2024 18:36

Thank you everyone for all your encouraging messages, I kept reading them throughout the week as it was pretty horrible. My ex decided to start accusing me of cheating and all sorts of other reasons as to why I was breaking up with him, and unsurprisingly wouldn’t accept the real reason. But I have moved!! I’m going to get a little Christmas tree in a pot tomorrow and can’t wait to make the flat homely and enjoy the peace, quiet and tidiness! I’m especially loving reading a book on my sofa under a blanket all on my own, so happy I finally did it!

OP posts:
ThankULord · 20/12/2024 18:48

Fantastic update.
Wishing you all the best. Have a lovely Christmas.

Minc · 20/12/2024 18:49

Enjoy — you deserve it!

StrikeForever · 20/12/2024 19:18

Fantastic @Elise89 I hope you have a lovely Christmas 🙂🎄

AngelontopoftheTree · 20/12/2024 19:26

Fantastic update, well done @Elise89.
Such a pity he couldn't just accept the real reason, and made life hard for you.
Snuggling under a blanket reading a book sounds like heaven to me!
Enjoy, and have a very Happy Christmas 🎄 😊