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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 20/12/2024 20:04

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas

Wooky073 · 20/12/2024 20:04

Amazing well done …. add in a baileys hot chocolate with the book and blanket! Enjoy the peace and rest. Never look back. Your future is bright. :) x

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 20/12/2024 20:06

Oh OP I'm delighted you've got your own sofa space in time for Christmas. Enjoy!

Elise89 · 20/12/2024 20:07

Wooky073 · 20/12/2024 20:04

Amazing well done …. add in a baileys hot chocolate with the book and blanket! Enjoy the peace and rest. Never look back. Your future is bright. :) x

Don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, Baileys is pretty much my favourite drink ever

OP posts:
Nikki75 · 20/12/2024 20:07

This is great news .. there is nothing like your own peace and space .
Doing your own thing .
Enjoy doing you you deserve this 🎄🎄🎄🤗💗💕💗

Hwi · 20/12/2024 22:25

Shocking, tbh. Never heard of any such piss-take. I don't know how you put up with it.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 20/12/2024 22:44

I am so very, VERY happy for you! Just remeber, it doesn't matter what your ex says or tries to accuse you of doing. You know the reason you moved and heck, so do we! It was a smart choice because being used as chief cook and bottle washer wears you down so much. Glad you left it all behind! I hope you are snuggling on your couch as I write this!

Jimjamssy · 20/12/2024 22:49

Delighted for you.
Let those two tossers clean up after themselves.

Pls do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help with boundaries.

Read up on the "shark cage analogy" and about the "boiled frog analogy".

"Women who love too much" and "Why does he do that" are both books every woman should read.

AutumnFroglets · 21/12/2024 00:41

But I have moved!

😃!!!!

Merry Christmas and I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful and joyous 2025 🍾

Seacatt · 21/12/2024 00:45

Merry Christmas, Elise!

Wishing you lots of happiness in your new home.🌲😍

TurqoiseJasper · 21/12/2024 01:47

Let me guess, bet he's Italian. Don't ask me how I know😐

SALaw · 21/12/2024 02:02

There was almost 3 months between Christmas and the start of lockdown so what was he doing in that time?!

innersanctum1 · 21/12/2024 17:52

Whatever you do, dont tell him where you are going, stay away from social media, change your phone and and ask other contacts and friends not to let him know, Ive a feeling he will be on your doorstep wailing with a bunch of flowers bought from the late night garage when he realises that hes been a complete **tard, FREEDOM is within your grasp, Enjoy! x

Frailt · 21/12/2024 17:53

Surprised you put up for it this long. Stand up for yourself much earlier when your gut feeling kicks in. Your boyfriend sounds like an utter prick let alone his brother .

CRCGran · 21/12/2024 18:18

That's amazing.... well done you !!!!!.... the Miley Cyrus song "Flowers" comes to mind....
You enjoy your liberation !!! So pleased for you.

YourDearCat · 21/12/2024 18:24

Bless you, you have been more than reasonable and incredibly patient. I'm sorry you don't have enough for new glasses. That is rotten. Well done for drawing a line under it. It sounds like your good nature has been taken advantage of and after 5 years you deserve a new start. Don't be hard on yourself. Enjoy your new start. A very happy Xmas to you. You have a wonderful new year ahead. X

StillAliveAndKicking · 21/12/2024 18:27

Move on. I will say that'll you'll obviously wonder whether anything would have changed. I'd expect not but if there is a miracle then you can discuss that can't you.
Enjoy your new flat, your new life and the excitement it'll bring you.
💐

Ohwhydidntijustkeepmymouthshut · 21/12/2024 18:28

GrumpyInsomniac · 14/12/2024 16:57

Of course your ‘D’P thinks you’re being unreasonable: he’ll have to shoulder the burden of supporting his freeloading brother alone now. You are absolutely doing the right thing by looking after your own interests. If he’s not managed to get his brother to take responsibility for his own life and leave in 5 years, he’s unlikely ever to do so.

Spot on

Cherrysoup · 21/12/2024 18:29

Elise89 · 20/12/2024 18:36

Thank you everyone for all your encouraging messages, I kept reading them throughout the week as it was pretty horrible. My ex decided to start accusing me of cheating and all sorts of other reasons as to why I was breaking up with him, and unsurprisingly wouldn’t accept the real reason. But I have moved!! I’m going to get a little Christmas tree in a pot tomorrow and can’t wait to make the flat homely and enjoy the peace, quiet and tidiness! I’m especially loving reading a book on my sofa under a blanket all on my own, so happy I finally did it!

Edited

Congratulations! I hope you get some frivolous and fabulous treats in for yourself. Happy Christmas!

Bloke58 · 21/12/2024 18:30

Please tell me that you haven't left any contact details/address and have told your friends and relatives not to share either

BebeG922 · 21/12/2024 18:46

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

The smartest move you can make - when nice talk won’t do, show it through actions. The same for men - talk is cheap, they are showing you through their actions. Your BIL has shown you, through his unwillingness to pitch in and your other half through his lack of willingness to stand up for you. Don’t back down now, and don’t let your other half talk you out of backing out of moving out. Let them have each other.

Myfluffyblanket · 21/12/2024 18:57

Elise89 · 20/12/2024 18:36

Thank you everyone for all your encouraging messages, I kept reading them throughout the week as it was pretty horrible. My ex decided to start accusing me of cheating and all sorts of other reasons as to why I was breaking up with him, and unsurprisingly wouldn’t accept the real reason. But I have moved!! I’m going to get a little Christmas tree in a pot tomorrow and can’t wait to make the flat homely and enjoy the peace, quiet and tidiness! I’m especially loving reading a book on my sofa under a blanket all on my own, so happy I finally did it!

Edited

There is nothing so soothing as being under a blanket with a good book in a peaceful home of one's own .
Have a lovely Christmas , OP , and a happy healthy new year .

Elise89 · 21/12/2024 19:01

Thank you everyone, it feels so nice to know that when you are feeling alone so many strangers have your back and I am very grateful. Plus I bought a bottle of baileys and some cheeses so I’m feeling extra festive tonight x

OP posts:
JingleB · 21/12/2024 19:11

Congratulations on your fresh start! Enjoy the Baileys

SeasideJane · 21/12/2024 19:15

Who is the person whovoted YABU???? the BIL? 😀