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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
Jumell · 21/12/2024 19:18

I’ve read a bit of this thread and so glad to read this excellent outcome ❤️🙌

Redshoeblueshoe · 21/12/2024 19:22

Well done - have a lovely Christmas

snotathing · 21/12/2024 19:22

Delighted for you. Enjoy the Christmas break in your new flat.

StaunchMomma · 21/12/2024 19:24

Elise89 · 21/12/2024 19:01

Thank you everyone, it feels so nice to know that when you are feeling alone so many strangers have your back and I am very grateful. Plus I bought a bottle of baileys and some cheeses so I’m feeling extra festive tonight x

Loving this for you, OP!

Well done on prioritising your own happiness.

What a surprise Ex won't accept that he could possibly the problem then, in doing so (just in case you were having any doubts) proving once again that he totally is!!

Enjoy the blessed solitude.x.

GoldenLegend · 21/12/2024 19:27

Congratulations and have a fab Christmas!

UtopiaPlanitia · 21/12/2024 19:32

Elise89 · 21/12/2024 19:01

Thank you everyone, it feels so nice to know that when you are feeling alone so many strangers have your back and I am very grateful. Plus I bought a bottle of baileys and some cheeses so I’m feeling extra festive tonight x

Well done on standing up for yourself and getting out of a rotten situation.

🎄Happy Christmas and very many best wishes for coming new year 🎄

DustyLee123 · 21/12/2024 19:43

Good for you for getting out 🎄

wasieverreallyhere · 21/12/2024 19:45

You moved in too quick and did not know him why did you stay so long sounds like you were not into him so much

EmpressaurusKitty · 21/12/2024 19:47

Fantastic, good for you!

ZestyJoey · 21/12/2024 19:51

Looks like I'm playing devils advocate but I kind of feel sorry for the dude. He's only managed to get one job in five years? I mean, sure I'm ignorant to the facts and maybe he's not even trying to get his life back or get his own place (or worse, maybe he's a complete asshole?) but there's a good chance he is trying and he's just in a bad circumstance like a lot of people in this country rn.

The issue goes deeper than that because it implicates OP in a major way, and for five years, she should leave and start a fresh, as they say count your losses and move on, five years is a long time but on the bright side there's no collateral damage in the form of children and mortgage... no point trying to get between family members. In all honesty I'd like to hear BIL's side of the story but that would completely transcend the purpose of this forum lol.

Best wishes for everyone involved. Hopefully the next five years brings hope and prosperity to OP and her soon to be ex-partner.

NewNameNoelle · 21/12/2024 19:54

So happy for you, hope you have a lovely relaxed Christmas 🎄

Allthehorsesintheworld · 21/12/2024 20:01

Congratulations. Enjoy your new home and have a brilliant Christmas 🎄

Oganesson118 · 21/12/2024 20:14

Good for you. I promised my husband I would divorce him if his brother ever moved in with us.

HoundsOfHelfire · 21/12/2024 20:17

Well done op!!!

GlessJinn · 21/12/2024 20:21

There is nothing more festive than little baby cheeses.

StrawberryWater · 21/12/2024 20:27

Congrats OP, enjoy your new place.

BaileyOC1982 · 21/12/2024 20:28

Who's the 1% that thinks this unreasonable 🤯

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 20:36

I am so proud of you. I was ashamed reading about two EU cock lodgers who could be from my country; our men are bad but good also; some are very very fatherly and would have done everything for such a young bride, unfortunately you met the worst.

Please, never again do that to yourself

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 20:37

Oganesson118 · 21/12/2024 20:14

Good for you. I promised my husband I would divorce him if his brother ever moved in with us.

lol, my bil is allowed only a Christmas meal, when the mil goes but he is single and has a nice little home which could finish ours ...lol you never know

Myfluffyblanket · 21/12/2024 20:38

BaileyOC1982 · 21/12/2024 20:28

Who's the 1% that thinks this unreasonable 🤯

The ex , the bil , wasieverreallyhere and Zesty are amongst the 1% I guess .

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 20:40

A man is a man and is there to work and pay for it all. This is how I have done it and always will do. The one here likes it very much. Makes him feel like a man.

MeridianB · 21/12/2024 20:41

Big festive hugs from me, @Elise89 You’ve done brilliantly and deserve happy times. Don’t look back!

AngelontopoftheTree · 21/12/2024 20:43

johnyhadasister · 21/12/2024 20:40

A man is a man and is there to work and pay for it all. This is how I have done it and always will do. The one here likes it very much. Makes him feel like a man.

What on earth is this about?

MikeRafone · 21/12/2024 20:48

make sure you tell council tax that you have moved out and give them your new address - you don't want to be on the previous address for council tax -if your ex doesn't pay you become liable if you don't get your name of the tax demand

usually you do it online

AndMaEth · 21/12/2024 20:48

Well done! Too easy to say ‘i love you’ and ‘things will change’. The brother sounds like a loser, I’d be embarrassed to speand two nights on someone’s sofa without offering something in return but…..,5 years as a free loader!!!!! You’re DP sounds like he is too scared to stand up to his brother.