Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

He doesn't like you. He certainly doesn't love you. You could even say this is a form of physical abuse.

What else does he do to manipulate and belittle you with?

Wow. That's a real dick move from your husband.

I have an unhealthy addiction to all things peanut but if it was even suspected that my DH had a peanut allergy you can be damn sure not a peanut would cross this threshold.

I'm not making myself out to be Mother Theresa but there are some things that need to be sacrificed for the health of your loved ones.

Your husband needs to go for the sake of your health, both physical and mental!

You really can. My house is nut-free because nuts could kill a family member. So no one brings nuts into the house. Everyone who lives here is on board with that because they aren't complete dickheads but yes, you can absolutely tell the man you married that he isn't allowed to risk your life for a snack.

If my partner asked me not to bring a food item in the house because of smell alone, I wouldn't. Let alone in case of allergy.
He can eat the other nut butters or eat peanut butter when he is out and about.
It's not even a hard food stuff to avoid!
My guess is that it isn't about the peanut butter, it's about getting a reaction from you or control or some other mind game.

You have an allergy and there shouldn't be any peanut butter in the house, or any other peanut products.
If he doesn't like that and won't stop bringing in peanut butter then he needs to leave, or you do.
No decent person would treat their partner like that.
Does he want you to be hospitalized or die? What a wanker he is.

What else does he do to manipulate and belittle you with?

This 👆

Please go back to your GP or see another. You need this allergy checked out. As far as your H is concerned chuck the peanut butter every time he buys it and leave the washing up to him. He is being VV unreasonable.

i know loads of couples where someone is allergic to something. they just keep it away from the other. the suggestions to leave her husband over this is ludicrous. 'he doesnt love you' - seriously?!

Sorry OP but your husband sounds like a dick.

The issue at hand is not whether you are allergic to peanuts. The issue is that your husband is actively antagonising you over a health concern.

To top it off, when your daughter gets old enough to understand, she will clearly understand the message that "we don't listen to silly mummy with her silly stories. We don't worry about mummy's comfort or safety, look at mummy being crazy."

I would put money on him belittling you in all sorts of ways, and this may be the issue that makes the scales fall from your eyes.

YANBU. He is being childish leaving his plate/cutlery and eating the peanut butter close to you. It also sounds like he is being controlling and abusive.

But a man can tell a woman that the peanut allergy she has isn't real, in her own home?

Got you.

Not all allergies are deadly, that doesn't mean theyre not serious and can be ignored. Repeated exposure is likely to make the allergy worse. There is a chance over time that you'll develop a deadly allergy, he should be taking this seriously and he should respect you enough to listen to you on this.

Is there any food in particular he doesn't like which you do? (for example lets say mushrooms).
I would insist that I had rediscovered my taste for mushrooms and serve them for every meal.

Do you know loads of couples who have anaphylactic allergies and keep each other's allergens in the house? Because that's insane. An intolerance, sure, but a serious allergy that leads to swelling of the airways? Peanut allergies are truly not something to fuck around with - the finding out is pretty horrific.

Mind you, my husband gave up coffee just because the smell made me a bit queasy in the mornings when I was pregnant so maybe what I see as the bare minimum of caring behaviour strikes others as a really high bar? But I can't see how anyone who loves their spouse would risk killing them via peanut butter on toast.

You absolutely can!!! It’s OP’s home too and she’s allergic!

You’re either joking or disturbed.

The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy.

So does he not believe that this happened?

How do people end up with these arseholes? I have genuinely never had an interaction with someone like some of those described on here.

Because they generally save this special treatment for their wives behind closed doors.

This is incredibly risky.

One touch of the wrong spoon could lead to cross-contamination with potentially life-threatening consequences.

Someone who loves you doesn’t knowingly and willingly put you at risk. If you can’t understand that you must be seriously unwell.

Hives are visible so how can he say it’s all in your head?

He sounds vile. If he is so indifferent to something that is so potentially dangerous to you, I can’t imagine that he is a perfect husband in every other way.

But he's not keeping it away from her as a loving partner would do. He's leaving the plates for her to wash up and opening the jar next to her then called her childish, rude and a liar.

@AmethystRuby. He's not keeping it away from her though is he. He opens it in front of her and leaves stuff for her to clean up.. Exposure could actually kill her and each time she is exposed the effects are likely to be worse. Leaving her husband to save her life doesn't sound that unreasonable to me. He is hardly cherishing her, is he? My husband has an allergy to something that I really like. I never bring it into the house because that's the adult responsible thing to do for somebody I care about.

OP doesnt need to roll around in the peanut butter. he's obviously reacted childishly to suggest the allergy isnt real, but its his home too and as long as he keeps it away from OP maybe in a bag on a top shelf etc and washes up than he should be allowed to eat it in his home.

This will not be the first time he has behaved like a dick. And it won't be the last.

You've got a young daughter. She could also have a sensitivity to peanuts. Have a think if you'd be ok with him telling her it was all in her head and mocking her, and eating peanut butter next to her at the breakfast table.

Does that sound right to you?