Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

You need to stop blaming yourself and stop thinking he is a decent man who has occasionally behaved badly. He is an abuser (emotionally, physically and financially) and the longer you are with him the worse he will get. He is extra nice to you after the worst incidents to reel you back in again. Don't put yourself or your DD through this any longer.

Your husband will take it seriously when he has to take time off work to look after your kids because his lack of care has caused you to have an anaphylactic shock! It is no fun being in the back of an ambulance wondering if your time has come! Thank goodness my husband is more understanding!

We have sent off the at home allergen tests

https://www.sensitivitycheck.com/order-now/

my sister in law (who is a nurse) found the results accurate. Has cut out the foods the results suggested and is not having reactions any more.

they are cheap :-)

Please don’t waste your money on the tests above OP. Hair testing doesn’t work even for intolerances and is dangerous to use in allergy testing because the results are not accurate.

Sorry, @Isittimeforbedyetsos, but they are not reliable tests (to put it mildly).

What you need is blood or skin prick tests for IgE, OP. I know that is just one of the problems you face. I’m so sorry, wishing you all the best💐

You think his behaviour is normal - it isn't
You think its your fault - it isn't
You think that your own mother would say it was your fault - It sounds like she was abusive and unsupportive too.

Even if it was your fault. No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you OP.
Please find someone in RL to talk to about these issues and think about the fact that just as he treats you like this, he will begin to treat your children the same way.
Will that be their own fault?
Is that the future you want for them?

So many people on here telling you that your DH is being totally unreasonable.

Please go and see another GP and ask to referred for skin tests. The referral can take a long time
as allergy clinics have long wait lists. The fact that you’re reacting from only contact and not ingesting is very concerning. You need to get this sorted as soon as you can for your child’s sake also.

@Isittimeforbedyetsos Those tests are complete bullshit. Do you work for the company or something?

@Rosegarden47 did you make him grab you from behind and put his hand over your mouth? Because that sounds an extremely awkward and difficult thing to do, unless you have magical powers? It sounds to me like a grown man chose to do these things to you because he wanted to.

This is not your fault and you don't deserve this. You're being abused by him and you've been manipulated so much that he's convinced you you're to blame. Even if you can't bring yourself to leave right now, please keep trying with women's aid and get a copy of Why Does He Do That.

ive had really bad allergic reactions including weezing and severe stomach cramps and the gp said the same thing to me, you need to have anaphylactic reaction before allergy clinic accepts referral, they referred me anyway and it was declined

That’s surprising. Did you react (fairly) quickly to the allergen, because that’s another thing they look for? Wheezing should generally be taken seriously. Anaphylactic reactions are broader in definition than is generally realised, though definitions do vary a bit. They are under-recognised and under-treated even by medical professionals.

Might be postcode dependent. My DD was referred to allergy clinic if after a non Anaphylactic reaction to cashew nuts.

OP please listen to us when we tell you that your H is an abuser and it will only get worse. You need to get your DD and yourself out of this marriage asap. I know it might seem daunting because you have no job, no money. What would you tell your DD if she was in your situation? Your mum has clearly set the tone for how you allow yourself to be treated, its not normal, its not ok. You need counselling, please speak to a GP for a referral if you cannot afford one privately.

This is nothing to do with the allergy to peanuts. It's just a symptom of a wider issue in the relationship which sees you feeling like his abusive behaviour is your fault.

When he starts on your DD, which he likely will and even if he doesn't, she will witness they dynamic, will that be her fault too?

If your lips are tingling this time, the next exposure could land you in hospital. He thinks he’s found an ideal way to kill you

It’s not true that the allergy gets worse with exposure. It depends on many factors, including how well the immune system is working at the time of exposure. I’d be more worried about him trying to make her eat it, or hiding it in other food, because a the moment the reaction is from being exposed to it, not actually ingesting it.

This isn't an issue about peanut butteris it? But an issue about your husbands attitude. This needs sorting.

There is much more to this situation than peanut alergy. 🚩
This is an abusive man, with dark traits like sadism and possible personality disorde.

You found in him the familiarity learned along your parents.

There is no happines, contentment, or at least peace along such a human...
Couple therapy won't work with deeply disturbed personalities, but a therapist specialised in trauma can help you to clear the confusion and find yourself.

Gather evidence, keep essentials, cash and papers at a secure place outside the home and talk to a divorce lawyer, preferably one that is familiar with abusive relationshiops.
Open up about this to your trusted friends if you have them.

Watch videos by dr. Sam Vaknin and dr. Ramani.

Good luck!

You are in is a very dangeros situation: isolated and financially dependent on an abuser. Your husband is keeping you in a trauma bonding relationship.

Look for women shelter in the area and get informed of your options and rights. Maybe even at churches.

Try to get your footing or he will walk all over you again and again, escalating.

Do you want your baby to experience a similar upbringing as you did?

This is literally gaslighting.
He is trying to mentally destabilise you with such fabricated stories.

This is financial control, a form of family abuse.
I can't emphasize enough that you need to look for a way out.
Start by praying for it if you can't see a walking path.

This is textbook abuse, including the victim blaming herself and finding excuses for the agressor.

And no, this doesn't happen in most relationships. Your perception was distorted by growing up in an abusive environment

Find love and respect for yourself. Without it you will continue tge toxicity in your life

Of course it’s systemic. Abusers are deliberately nice for periods so you think it’s over and all will be well. Then they can abuse you again. And again. And again. A cycle of abuse to keep you traumatised and dependent. Think Stockholm Syndrome.
. This isn’t about peanut butter. It’s him having power over you. He will be as much a cause of PTSD as anything, and you won’t do your child any good by having her brought up in this environment. You said your parents had an abusive marriage so your mother will be trauma bonded, brainwashed and you are heading the same way.
Please try to get outside help. Put money aside quietly as an escape fund.