Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

I hope to god you're not kissing him - there are tons of people with peanut allergies who've died from kissing someone who's just eaten peanuts.

But don't you think his obvious disdain for her IS grounds for leaving?

A few things...

• If you've got a nut allergy, presumably this makes it more likely DD may develop one? I'm not sure how hereditary they are

• Regardless, research suggests that it's best giving children from 6 months small, regular (several times a week if not daily IIRC) amounts of various nuts to try and prevent future allergies.

It would therefore seem sensible to give her a small amount of peanut butter along with other nut butters (you can get a mixed nut butter which I think has 4 types in).

• However I'd expect DH to be an actual grown up about it, and he handle it entirely and put the spoons etc in the dishwasher each time.

• Some won't like me mentioning it of course but just a thought, using words like "yuck" at the dinner table will come back to haunt you, I'd try and keep any judgements about foods strictly to yourself!!

God this thread is really upsetting for any parents of kids with severe allergies - to think that one day they could grow up and live with a fucking idiot whose 'right' to eat a peanut butter sandwich might mean we end up losing them forever. Can you imagine attending the funeral of someone you loved knowing that the person supposed to cherish them was too much of a selfish baby to bear being told 'what they can and can't eat in their own home'? It's unbearable to think about.

Your title is misleading, the falling out isnt remotely over peanut butter, its over your Husbands complete lack of respect for you. He is putting his want for a snack (one he loves so much, he was happy to go without for years until you "reminded him" of it) over your health.

Most people realise allergies get worse with exposure, even if he wasnt sure your allergy was as serious as you say, he must have seen the hives etc so knows there is an allergy, so why would he want to push it?

To me it seems quite vindictive, to see you have an allergy and suddenly have a want to not only eat that food but when you dont react enough, start pushing further by leaving the dirty plates lying about. I would worry his next step would be sneaking it into your food to 'prove' its not a real allergy. I would be genuinely concerned about him doing this.

Is he nasty in other ways?

As for the poster saying he shouldnt have to give it up, surely he should want to? He can survive just fine without peanut butter but it could risk your health. If I had something I had even a mild allergy to, I know for a fact it wouldnt come in our home, not because he would be told, but because my Husband wouldnt want to cause me discomfort. This is how a caring partner acts. I have a friend who just cannot stand the smell of a food, so her Husband never buys it in the home.

So your aversion to peanut butter could very well be your body trying to protect you. It’s actually a phenomenon that our body can make foods we’re intolerant / allergic to, unappealing.

Its also very possible that you may have a peanut allergy. Reactions get stronger with each exposure. I would call the gp and ask for a referral to the allergy clinic.

My son is allergic to nuts and at the start, I found a snickers wrapper in my husbands pocket. I went ape shit and he’s never done it again.

We are all mindful of my sons allergy and we don’t have nuts at all in the house. Not only because we don’t wish to put him at risk, but we also want him to feel safe in his home.

Your husband is being insensitive.

Again, this needs to happen outside the house. The child should be exposed to peanuts, but not in the OP's home or presence.

As for the allergy testing, I would see another GP. I was going to be tested for a skin allergy that caused mild blistering, so it certainly doesnt have to be life threatening to get testing.

What a dick response.

You shouldn't HAVE to! it should be absolute no-brainer. Of course the H needs to not have PB in the house. that is the bare minimum he can do. it's not like it's essential to life to eat PB, but its harmful to his supposed wife.

You cant tell an allergy sufferer to just suck it up. She has a right to a safe environment in her own home. Her allergy trumps his periodic cravings. Other nut butters are available.

Other men are available too.

You need to be careful.

The poor girl that died drinking a hot chocolate before the dentist hadn't had a full blown allergic reaction before.

She was aware of an allergy but the symptoms had been more like you describe. She then ended up in full anaphylaxis and couldn't be saved.

To give him the benefit of the doubt (against my will) he perhaps doesn't understand allergies and thinks exposure is useful. Show him that story.

I am a peanut allergy sufferer and bad attitudes about it are rife lm afraid. A colleague and l at a previous work place were allergic to peanuts, almonds and hazelnuts between us. Head office found out, freaked out (this was just after the Pret sandwich incident) and banned nuts from the office. Colleagues came up to us moaning and saying we are “selfish”. We didn’t ask for them to be banned or be allergic!!!

I suspect your husband thinks you’re just being sensitive rather than appreciating you appear to have an allergy. He’s being really disrespectful and it would be worthwhile to have a proper conversation about it rather than comments here and there.

Separately, you need to ensure your daughter is having peanuts. Children need to be exposed to the common allergens early on and given it regularly to avoid an allergy developing. Nut butters are not the same as peanuts and even then, you can be allergic to one type of nut and fine with another.

The fact that he's purposefully leaving the peanut butter plates and knives etc for you to clean up says everything any one needs to know about this situation. He is trying to prove you're faking it and that is extremely dangerous.

My friend had reactions like yours for years then one day someone ate a Snickers bar next to her and she went into anaphylactic shock. He is at best an abusive twat and you should be very careful about how you proceed with this. Good luck OP.

Would you say this if it was their child with the allergy?

What's the difference?

You're beyond unreasonable

@Rosegarden47 please go to your GP and ask for a referral to the allergy clinic. They can give you advice on how to proceed with your child around introducing things like peanut butter. It's good to know she is safe and you'll have the peace of mind and so she isn't unnecessarily avoiding certain food outside the home.

My partner recently developed a severe allergy to hemp seeds. His first two anaphylaxis episodes came on over a couple of hours and I had time to get him to hospital. In January, he accidently ate a mouthful of granola containing 1% hemp seeds. Luckily I was a home and after two previous episodes well drilled in what to do. Fast response paramedics arrived in 4 mins of my 999 call and I had already given him two lots of epipen and antihistamine. They worked to stabilise my partner on the living room floor. He was seriously ill in crash for the day and nearly died. About 20 staff worked on him and they all said he was lucky to be alive. When the specialist arrived, he said I was textbook in my response and I saved his life. I obviously remind him regularly, ha ha!

My BIG worry is the dismissive (at best) nature of your husband. If this situation happens to you, you could end up with life changing health outcomes, potentially death. I know it sounds dramatic, but I spread the word about anaphylaxis at every given opportunity.

This. My husband did the peanut exposure with our twins and l didn’t get involved at all. With allergy in the family then exposure is more imperative

To add, nothing passes the threshold of our house that in any way contai s hemp. We gave away everything we had, dog calming sprays, moisturiser. Hemp seeds is never on allergy lists either, so it can be really tricky.

He can't have peanut butter, it is simple. It's not like you are asking him to cut out a major food group. His behaviour is really worrying. Reminds me of my awful ex.

He's putting your health at risk and making your life difficult for his own amusement.

Divorce the cunt. He's of no use to you.

You are both being unreasonable. You for restricting other people and making comments when he’s eating it, and him for not clearing up after himself when he’s eaten it.

So you can tell a woman what she can and can't eat then?! She is allergic, it isn't a dislike e.g. not liking the smell of fish

Do you have ANY idea of the seriousness of a peanut allergy?

She shouldn't HAVE to 'restrict', it shouldn't even be a question

You said it yourself though - they keep it away from each other
Have you read the OP's posts? He's deliberately doing the complete opposite. Decided he'd "rediscovered his love for peanut butter" on finding out that she's reacting to it and started eating it.
Not just eating it, laughing at her/not taking it seriously, leaving her to wash it all up (which can be dangerous in itself, it doesn't have to be eaten to cause a reaction.)
Also she said that he thinks it's all in her head.
He sounds a danger, you don't piss about with allergies.

I had the same with my dc. GP said that rash with peanuts is a very different type of allergy to than peanut allergy that causes anaphylaxis - something to being allegic to a different protein in the peanut. however that the anaphylaxis reaction to peanuts is so widely known now, which is great, that it is assumed it is the same thing. Personally I am planning on having dc privately tested. I also do keep peanut butter in the house (out of his reach of course annd eat it away from him) and just ensure careful washing of any knife/ plate I have used.

I went to the GP and asked for allergy testing. She said they only do allergy testing now if you’ve had a reaction serious enough to put you in hospital

Or your dead ...ffs! 🤬
You shouldn't need to have that severe a reaction to get tested. Can you get it done privately?

no you cant tell a woman either!!!

@Nanny0gg yes a good point about kids. i think it depends on the severity of allergy. i havent tested peanuts on my kids yet they are too young atm. for a severe allergy it wouldnt be brought into the house.but for example, my lips get tingly when exposed to peanuts too so i dont eat it or handle it, but DH buys it and eats it at home. i'm allergic to certain oils which i dont use but if my DH did it would be kept away in a bag somewhere away from me.