Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

....but he's not keeping it in a bag on the top shelf is he?

I think that's the point.

yes and he's unreasonable in that respect. i didnt say otherwise and he has to change that. but OP telling him that he cant buy PB altogether?

It sounds like he doesn't like you very much - I think you really need to consider your future with him.

yes agreed. he needs to change that. certainly no grounds for leaving him 😐

Absolutely not; the OP's home should be safe for her to live in. That supersedes his 'right' to eat peanut butter there. A decent person wouldn't want to anyway! But your comment about rolling around in peanut butter does make it very clear that you don't understand allergies or how dangerous the behaviour you're advocating can be.

OP, just to follow up on what your GP said - if you look on the Anaphylaxis UK website, you will see that they misinformed you.

Who would do that to someone they love?! I'm gobsmacked by him not taking this seriously . Definitely push with the gp for testing and you need an epi pen

This isn't normal behaviour OP. I've an allergy to pine nuts (easily avoided so not really an issue) & get the low blood pressure type of anaphylaxis rather than swelling. So we never have them in the house, no authentic pesto here thank you very much. But more telling is that if we eat out DH will ring ahead to let them know I'm allergic - not cos I've asked him to.

Maybe he doesn't want the embarrassment of me passing out at the table after projecting vomiting over the restaurant & getting all delirious? Or maybe he just gives a shit & knows every new exposure increases the risk to me.

Fwiw - I can smell pine nuts a mile off, I've realised they are in something before I've even looked. So take your aversion to the smell of peanuts seriously & DEFINITELY get tested somehow! Peanuts aren't easy to avoid & waiting for a reaction bad enough to need the hospital could just result in death. Bit late for an epipen then.

Your DH is a prick.

I have similar symptoms with walnuts, it's certainly not life threatening. Nor has it got worse over the years. Obviously the NHS doesn't think it's major enough even for an assessment (of course you could always do it privately for £30).

I would say no to the washing up but to ban peanuts altogether just means the daughter is more at risk of developing an intolerance to them when she would otherwise likely be fine.

What an abusive prick your husband is.

Im actually worried for you op....

Yes you can. As his wife she can. She’s not some randomer dropping in for tea and this is serious. He can eat them if he’s that desperate, just not around OP.

Go back to GP and push for testing OP. You may need to carry an epipen. Antihistamines are not a treatment for anaphylaxis.

Do not kiss ‘D’H if he’s been eating peanuts.

However, it’s important that your DD keeps eating peanut butter to help prevent her developing an allergy to them too. Especially important if she also has eczema. So it is a bit of a balancing act I’m afraid.

But why would anyone want to remain in a relationship with a man who prioritised his "right" to enjoyment of peanuts in his own home above your physical wellbeing and, well, you know, anaphylaxis?

It doesn't make any sense to stay with someone who believes this is a reasonable status quo and values you so little?

I couldn't imagine my DH treating my health concerns like this. Your DH seems to think all allergies = deathly allergies. If you sent him the information to read would he read it and acknowledge how they actually work, or would he just ignore it? If the former I'd give that a go.
Otherwise I have to say I'd be worried about the fact he's so dismissive of you. Is this behaviour new?

At worst, you're in an abusive relationship, op.
At best, you're with an emotionally stunted child.

Ok
You need to take timeout and express your feelings
He either thinks its a joke and ignorant with how allergies work or just pure evil.
Also
Please speak to your GP and let them know what happened when you were exposed.
And avoid anything with peanuts.
A plane passenger died because another person was having peanuts on the plane.
It's not a joke.
You may need to carry an EpiPen with you.

He might just think it's a joke and being silly.
But sit down and talk it out.
If he still continues then you will need to think about your relationship

The daughter needs to eat peanuts outside the home. Not inside.

This is not how a loving husband behaves.

Tell him to piss off.

What about kissing you when he's eaten peanut butter? How could he take that risk?!

Look for an independent sensitivity test, or push it back through your GP, really they should be sending you for this testing through the NHS

Bet he would shit himself if you went into full anaphylaxis, sounds a bit of a dick

He sounds quite dangerous, actually. I think you should have this investigated further, as it may progress to the point of needing an auto-injector for allergies.

I imagine the last thing OP wants is to kiss this bum head.

To reframe it, if your friend or your sister or mother knew you'd been having escalating allergic reactions to peanuts and you went round for lunch and they made themselves a peanut butter sandwich and sat down at the table next to you and ate it, what would you think?

This is no different, just because he is your husband and actually especially because he is your husband, he doesn't have some god given right to do this. He's a wrong'un and this wont be the only thing when you get thinking about it where he's overstepped the mark. It shows contempt and disregard of you. Whether that's what you want from a partner is up to you. It's clearly fine for some.

I KNEW from the moment l read the title it would be something like this! I also have peanut allergy and ex’s have often got dismissive about it -it’s usually a sign we need to split.
It’s obnoxious what your husband is saying about the ex. It’s not a competition! Plus allergies can change over time -getting better and worse. Bad news is each reaction can get worse with each exposure of peanuts

How about going privately to get it investigated? Paying for it out of the joint account obviously as he doesn’t take it seriously right now

Perfect example of internalised misogyny.

Of course you can tell a man "in his own home" not to eat a potentially life threatening allergen.

You need to speak to another doctor and get tested soon, OP. In the meantime, every single time he buys peanut butter, put it in the bin and wash your hands well afterwards. A peanut allergy can kill and each exposure to it is worse than the previous one.

As for him, well, he couldn't care if you live or die, so that decision is an easy one.

You do not have anyone advocating for you, or standing up for you, so YOU have to.

Firstly, go back to GP practice and go see someone else, keep going back until you are sent for testing. the symptoms you describe (not an expert in any way) sound serious AND escalating.

My own mother developed allergies, the main one was asprin (and anything like it - ibuprofen for example) i still remember being bundled in the back of the car as a small kid with my dad driving behind the ambulance.

You need to take this seriously and you need others to do so also.

Your H - or perhaps STBXH - needs to man the fuck up. Tell him that Peanut butter is banned from the house and you will bin any you see, ditto plates he leaves for you. Tell him you'll use paper plates if need be when you run out, but you are not exposing yourself to allergens and neither will he.

WTAF. Serioulsy, WTAF - your health and wellbeing IS the hill to die on.

Poor choice of words, but this is fucking serious and he is being at best weird, at worst abusive.