Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

I’d definitely go to GP for a diagnosis. They’ll likely refer to allergy clinic for testing. I’m not sure if the GP would straight away give an epi pen but the allergy clinic would treat severity and make recommendations.

My DD had a reaction to cashew nuts. Similar tingling type issues in throat and lips. GP gave antihistamines and we got referred for tests. Tests showed allergy to pistachio as well as they are related nuts but to nothing else. She wasn’t given an epi pen just prescribed antihistamines to always carry as the skin test didn’t suggest severe enough for anything stronger.

At least with it written on paper from the GP your husband would have to take you seriously.

Im not sure it should be banned from the house however it needs to be contained properly so you don’t come into contact. And yes I agree with suggestion of someone else to try giving it to the kids if you have any for tolerance.

Results of skin tests aren’t a reliable indicator of how severe a reaction can be.

My family member regularly gets a prescription for an EpiPen (they need replacing frequently because they have a use by date). . One GP wasn’t initially in agreement and suggested she went to A&E but she pointed out that if she had an attack while travelling on an aircraft she or was on holiday getting to A&E wouldn’t be very practicable.
It’s years since I consumed peanut butter and recently I started using almond butter and I couldn’t tell the difference in taste or consistency.
Allergies have a terrible reputation for suddenly escalating with increased exposure. If I were you OP I’d be very afraid DH might try to “test” his no allergy theory and spike your food with peanut butter. Even an open mouth kiss after eating peanuts has been known to kill the recipient. (Comparatively recently US case).
Take care of yourself OP. There a legion of people who share your allergy and or accept your right to be cautious

Lips swelling and hives very serious, please get an allergy test asap as you need to be correctly diagnosed as may need to walk with an epi pen. No words re husband!!!

Sigh......did you miss the part where she is reacting without the PB ever being consumed? No decent partner would ever dream of causing the person they love physical harm, particularly over a foodstuff he wasn't particularly bothered about eating until the point he was asked not to. Then suddenly its his favourite and she is infringing upon his human rights by objecting 🙄even if hives were all she were to ever suffer they are horrible and uncomfortable, no one should be causing that situation for their partner

Bonkers.

Have you actually read OP’s posts @CrackmasterJ? All of them?

Because your reply to her doesn’t seem at all appropriate. Her husband is abusing her.

They don't care that it's inappropriate. Their username says it all.

Thank you so much for everyone who voiced concern for me. I didn’t expect to get much support on here. I’m struggling to marry up my husband as an abuser, I know he’s done some abusive things but I don’t believe that it’s systemic or that he’s a bad person at all. I agree he needs to address his loss of control though. I don’t believe the things that happen in our relationship don’t happen in the majority of people’s relationships, and that I have a huge part to play in causing those issues

Your update makes me very sad, OP. No, these things do not happen in healthy relationships, they just don't.

Sometimes it can be overwhelming to take on so many opinions at once and an issue you thought was minor reveals itself as a symptom of a bigger problem. Take some time to think and please take care OP, if in time you need further support please reach out again.

".......that I have a huge part to play in causing those issues."

Oh @Rosegarden47, that sounds straight from a gaslighter's playbook
You are blamed.

It's not you.
It's him ☹️

Honestly, I have been there in an abusive relationship. And now one that is loving and healthy. So I do understand and I am 100% on your side. 💐

I say this gently, the things you have described absolutely do not happen in healthy relationships. I am worried for your safety. You deserve better, and are absolutely NOT to blame for his behaviour.

Please please seek some independent professional support. 🙏🏼

Oh OP, please try to take a step back - if your best friend/sister/mother/daughter told you what you have voiced over the last few days what would you say to them? I may be wrong but I very much suspect that you would tell them to leave as soon as they could.

I’m sure my own mother would probably agree it’s my fault. I developed ptsd after our first daughter was stillborn and so I was the one who changed first

You think it’s your fault that you got PTSD? Really, OP? Please listen to us. He is a monster. You are a victim.

Wow. Someone (several someones?) has really done a number on you. Is this what you would tell your child, should they go through what you have/are?

Wait what?! It is not, never has been and never will be your fault that you got PTSD after what you went through. Of course you changed, you went through a massive trauma.

I cannot imagine what you have been through but never ever blame yourself for that or how you needed to deal with it and protect yourself after.

You're not describing a healthy, loving relationship OP. If your mother would blame you for having ptsd after such a trauma, it sounds like you were not raised by a healthy, loving mum.

Please take care of yourself. Clarity will come with time. But make sure you are safe.

Disgraceful behaviour on his part. I'm a coeliac and so are the DCs. DH isn't. He is more adamant than I am about never having gluten in the house. Won't even let guests bring beer in, because he's seen what even a splash on my fingers does to me. Has probably made himself intolerant by not eating it himself in years.

Reading your updates, this sorry excuse for a man is utterly foul. You do not deserve any of this at all; you have so much life ahead of you, and it can be beautiful and joyful. You need a fresh start. See the peanut butter as the straw that broke the camel's back.

What do you mean you don’t think you have a severe allergy or anything? It’s not a sliding scale with a peanut allergy I don’t think. You either have an allergy or you don’t. You need to see your GP and ask to be properly assessed. Don’t let them fob you off. It could be life threatening.
Your OH is a horrid emotionally abusive bully.

Out of curiosity, do you have a life insurance policy. If you do, check who gets a pay out!

in all seriousness, this isn’t just a silly matter but something serious. I wouldn’t feel safe with this person .

So many people replying about allergies here - that really is not the issue.
Read OP's updates - she is being abused.

Op - perhaps start a new thread in the relationships board, describing some of the incidents. You will get more useful advice then.