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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fell out over peanut butter

497 replies

Rosegarden47 · 12/12/2024 10:18

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

OP posts:
TheBluestDays · 12/12/2024 11:57

Memyselfmilly · 12/12/2024 11:49

I had the same with my dc. GP said that rash with peanuts is a very different type of allergy to than peanut allergy that causes anaphylaxis - something to being allegic to a different protein in the peanut. however that the anaphylaxis reaction to peanuts is so widely known now, which is great, that it is assumed it is the same thing. Personally I am planning on having dc privately tested. I also do keep peanut butter in the house (out of his reach of course annd eat it away from him) and just ensure careful washing of any knife/ plate I have used.

Show quote history

GPs aren't allergy specialists. My child gets the rash and the anaphylaxis. Read Dogstar's post above to see what can happen even with someone trained on hand with epipens and antihistamines - and keep peanuts out of your house until your son has been properly tested.

Allergies change and escalate. This is not a risk you want to take.

whatnow5 · 12/12/2024 11:58

TheBluestDays · 12/12/2024 11:34

God this thread is really upsetting for any parents of kids with severe allergies - to think that one day they could grow up and live with a fucking idiot whose 'right' to eat a peanut butter sandwich might mean we end up losing them forever. Can you imagine attending the funeral of someone you loved knowing that the person supposed to cherish them was too much of a selfish baby to bear being told 'what they can and can't eat in their own home'? It's unbearable to think about.

I have a severe peanut allergy and relying on people not to be stupid, selfish and dangerous is terrifying. This thread is just another example of how ignorant (often wilfully so) people can be!

TroysMammy · 12/12/2024 11:59

What a twat. If you are hospitalised or God forbid something worse does he realise he will have to deal with childcare and everything else just for the sake of a jar of peanut butter?

Memyselfmilly · 12/12/2024 12:00

TheBluestDays · 12/12/2024 11:57

GPs aren't allergy specialists. My child gets the rash and the anaphylaxis. Read Dogstar's post above to see what can happen even with someone trained on hand with epipens and antihistamines - and keep peanuts out of your house until your son has been properly tested.

Allergies change and escalate. This is not a risk you want to take.

Show quote history

Thank you - to be honest didn’t feel right, like I was being brushed off!

Ophy83 · 12/12/2024 12:01

I think you should ask the GP to confirm which policy says they won't refer you for allergy testing because that doesn't sound right. Coming out in hives can be the precursor to a life threatening reaction in future so it's very important that you find out whether you are allergic

whatnow5 · 12/12/2024 12:01

Breatheincalmbreatheouttension · 12/12/2024 11:47

You are both being unreasonable. You for restricting other people and making comments when he’s eating it, and him for not clearing up after himself when he’s eaten it.

People with allergies “restricting” other people from eating what they’re allergic to around them is “unreasonable”? You are beyond help.

ShouldIEvenBother · 12/12/2024 12:01

His behaviour is not of a loving husband. I would be asking him very directly, why he hates you.

He's also incredibly stupid.

Since the NHS is not being helpful OP, then I would do as a PP has suggested and go private. I'd also explain to the medical professionals how your husband is behaving around this issue - it's imperative they realise that you're in a hazardous living environment because of him 💐

Jostuki · 12/12/2024 12:02

Why would someone who loves and cherishes you bring something into the house that causes a fairly severe allergic reaction to their beloved?

Answer- because he does not love or cherish you.

I think if I were you I'd start suffering with a different allergy- you're suddenly allergic to nasty idiots and oh dear he will have to be dumped.

whatnow5 · 12/12/2024 12:02

allthatfalafel · 12/12/2024 11:15

I have similar symptoms with walnuts, it's certainly not life threatening. Nor has it got worse over the years. Obviously the NHS doesn't think it's major enough even for an assessment (of course you could always do it privately for £30).

I would say no to the washing up but to ban peanuts altogether just means the daughter is more at risk of developing an intolerance to them when she would otherwise likely be fine.

Show quote history

Good for you. Hardly seems a risk worth taking does it?

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 12/12/2024 12:04

I'd actually leave him over this. He is prepared to kill you to score petty, childish points.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 12/12/2024 12:05

You for restricting other people

This is utterly idiotic. She clearly has an already quite severe allergy, and they worsen with exposure. Peanut allergies are lethal. She's asking him to eat something that might actually kill her.

Jagoda · 12/12/2024 12:06

FFS! Tell him it’s the PB or you.

So many lovely posters living with absolute wankers.

whatnow5 · 12/12/2024 12:06

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 12/12/2024 12:05

You for restricting other people

This is utterly idiotic. She clearly has an already quite severe allergy, and they worsen with exposure. Peanut allergies are lethal. She's asking him to eat something that might actually kill her.

Your username made me laugh!! Much needed after the ignorance on this thread!

TofuTart · 12/12/2024 12:06

To me it seems quite vindictive, to see you have an allergy and suddenly have a want to not only eat that food but when you dont react enough, start pushing further by leaving the dirty plates lying about. I would worry his next step would be sneaking it into your food to 'prove' its not a real allergy. I would be genuinely concerned about him doing this

This
I wouldn't be able to trust him, especially as he's said he thinks it's all in your head.
How far is he willing to push?

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 12:06

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”

He's being a complete asshole. It's not like he was eating it all the time before and now he has to give it up (in the house). He wasn't eating it. The OP had an allergic reaction. He thought it was hilarious and now he's eating it all the time and opening it near OP or leaving dirty plates around for her to wash up.

It shouldn't be in the house any more. It's extremely dangerous.
I can't believe how many people seem to think the OP is just wilfully restricting him from having the food he loves.
Any reasonable person would recognize how serious it was and never bring it into the house again for the sake of the person they love.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 12/12/2024 12:07

allthatfalafel · 12/12/2024 11:15

I have similar symptoms with walnuts, it's certainly not life threatening. Nor has it got worse over the years. Obviously the NHS doesn't think it's major enough even for an assessment (of course you could always do it privately for £30).

I would say no to the washing up but to ban peanuts altogether just means the daughter is more at risk of developing an intolerance to them when she would otherwise likely be fine.

Show quote history

Walnuts aren't peanuts though, peanut allergy is typically more an issue than walnut allergy. You also aren't the OP. It is a new allergy for her and may well get worse over time

NovemberMorn · 12/12/2024 12:11

nonbinaryfinery · 12/12/2024 10:20

Throw out the peanut butter and tell him it's banned in the house. If he wants to eat it, tell him to get a shed so he can go and sit in there and eat it.

This, job done.

WooleyMunky · 12/12/2024 12:11

I would be sorely tempted to mix laxatives into his precious peanut butter...

Iloveanicegarden · 12/12/2024 12:12

Rosegarden47 · 12/12/2024 10:28

I went to the GP and asked for allergy testing. She said they only do allergy testing now if you’ve had a reaction serious enough to put you in hospital and said if I was worried take an antihistamine daily. Good old NHS. That definitely didn’t help my husband to take me seriously

Show quote history

I was (am) under the care of a dermatologist and for a different condition I was patch tested - no hassle, no delay. See a different GP and at least get an epipen if you can

Iloveanicegarden · 12/12/2024 12:12

posted too soon.....much less serious condition

NovemberMorn · 12/12/2024 12:15

To add...I cannot believe that 13% of people who voted on this thread think the OP is being unreasonable.😖

ManchesterLu · 12/12/2024 12:19

hazelnutvanillalatte · 12/12/2024 10:26

This kind of allergic reaction is serious - exposure can worsen the reaction until suddenly your airway can close. I would get an epi pen from the GP and definitely not have peanut butter in the house/touch anything with it.

This sounds narcissistic. I read a post once about a grandmother who refused to take her granddaughter's coconut allergy seriously and sneaking it in to 'test' her and she killed her granddaughter.

This. You need to be carrying an epi pen if you're having a reaction like this. You can ban it in your home, but you can't control where things might be contaminated elsewhere, or if someone's touched nuts and then touched something that you later need to handle.

DH sounds like an arse, but that aside, you really do need to protect yourself medically.

wrongthinker · 12/12/2024 12:19

I would leave him over this. He is showing he has no love or respect for you. I am 100% sure that this is not the only example of horrible behaviour he demonstrates towards you, OP. Please tell someone you trust what is going on, keep yourself safe, and make a plan to leave.

fgsistwbotp · 12/12/2024 12:20

NovemberMorn · 12/12/2024 12:15

To add...I cannot believe that 13% of people who voted on this thread think the OP is being unreasonable.😖

These will be the people on this thread who are displaying complete ignorance about how serious a peanut allergy is.
Seems to be no understanding that it's life-threatening and no understanding that each reaction increases in severity, as already seen by the two reactions the OP has had. The second one was worse than the first. The third one is most likely to be even worse.

Nc92982822 · 12/12/2024 12:21

Can you afford to get privately tested OP? I know it’s not ideal, given we are meant to have a free health service… but given the possibility of it becoming a serious allergy it’d be money well spent imo. If you’ve got a joint account… make sure it’s charged to that 😊

As for the husband, simply just do not clean any of the stuff he leaves point blank. His options will then be to either eat it and clean up after himself or just not eat it.