Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

Unfortunately he’s already made it clear on several occasions he thinks my potential allergy is all in my head. He had an ex who had a severe peanut allergy and he said I’d have died a 100x over by now if I was actually allergic

Me too.

He knows you have a reaction to it and chooses to now buy it frequently whereas before he didn't and he chooses to sit next to you when opening it? That's very sinister behaviour.

Echoing what others are saying.
Get an epi pen - the lip swelling is concerning.
Talk to your husband again but don't go the route of "I don't like the smell, etc." Explain that this is a severe allergy that could literally kill you.
It's a good idea to keep DC exposed to it though, if they're not showing any problems with peanuts.

If your DH won't stop playing fast and loose with your allergy then you may want to reconsider the relationship. Nobody who loves someone puts them at risk deliberately.

Ok then your husband is a twat.

He sounds awful.

But I would still get him to expose your daughter to it. Peanuts are a different allergen to tree nuts such as almonds, so she should be exposed to peanuts in addition to the tree nuts you are offering.

This is why you MUST get tested if you intend to keep living with this arsehole.

Allergies can develop at any time so even if you ate peanut butter before it doesn't mean you can now. He sounds ignorant as well as mean.

Someone should keep exposing your DD to all the common allergens though provided it's safe, she's much more likely to develop an allergy if a parent has one.

He's thick.
Doesn't he understand allergies can vary in severity?
I'm actually quite worried for you, get yourself out of there for your own safety.

He's completely wrong, and his ignorance could kill you.

Ultimatum time, the peanut butter goes or you do.

Or, ideally, both, because he sounds horrible.

I’m allergic to peanuts and my home is a peanut-free zone. My partner eats almond butter at home, and if he wants a Snickers he eats it when he’s away from home (we joke that instead of having an affair he eats secret Snickers bars when away).

It can be difficult for me when travelling with the amount of arseholes who complain about not being able to eat peanuts on a half hour flight (god love them!!) - but I can’t imagine living with someone who can’t give up a food he enjoys for your health and safety.

A lot of the problems with compliance around allergies or intolerances come from sheer ignorance. Can you educate him on this so he understands why he can’t eat it at home?

Or, not to go all mumsnet, but for me this would be a case of LTB. This is quite literally a hill to die on.

I'm so sorry op. Allergies develop differently for everyone and can escalate suddenly.

Do you know for certain his ex has a peanut allergy or is this new unverified information ie an excuse?

He sounds very selfish, is he like this about everything?

If your DH won't stop playing fast and loose with your allergy then you may want to reconsider the relationship. Nobody who loves someone puts them at risk deliberately

This - I can't imagine DH doing this to me with mine, he's the complete opposite and would do everything possible to make sure my food allergens were nowhere near me - not eat them on purpose, laugh at me and leave them for me to clear up!
Unbelievable.

That would be time to find a solicitor, and a new GP.

100% agree with this - I would never be able to kiss him again for fear that he’d have eaten peanut butter to “test” my allergy. The man is a menace, and could potentially kill you with his lack of respect and empathy. I wouldn’t be able to stay with a man who was so cocky and sure of himself that he didn’t do even some rudimentary research about allergies before dismissing you.

FWIW I was with a man for several years who behaved in a similar way and it took me waaaaayyyy too long to see him for the abusive arsehole that he was.

- but I can’t imagine living with someone who can’t give up a food he enjoys for your health and safety

Sounds like he didn't particularly eat peanut butter before introducing as an allergen food and finding out she was reacting to it - only started to after, hence the "helped me refind my love for it!"

Bloody hell, what HAS this man done to you that you are even wondering if you're unreasonable? He must have really messed with your mind over the years if you can't see his behaviour for what it is - absolutely disgusting.

And the fact he's deliberately goading the OP and escalating her exposure to it is a real warning sign. Some people take it upon themselves to 'prove' that allergies aren't real or that someone is being dramatic. He sounds like someone who might well ramp this up and purposely get the OP to ingest peanuts thinking that he'll be able to have a big 'aha!' moment. The consequences don't bear thinking about.

When you ask someone not to do something, there's a surprisingly (to me) high number of people who will do it all the more. Some will do it with glee. Your bloke is digging his heels in and proclaiming his god-given right to do as he pleases. I am sorry he is such a git, I really am.

Oodydoody · Today 10:28

I actually think that is quite sinister.

I agree entirely, especially since we now know that he had an ex with a severe peanut allergy. It sounds to me as though he's trying deliberately to harm her.

You need to not be touching anything that's been touched by someone who's eaten peanut butter. I expect your lips tingled because you had peanut butter on your fingers and touched your lip (assuming you didn't actually eat it).

It's perfectly possible for him to eat peanut butter in the same house if he's very careful about doing it as there's no evidence that it becomes airborne and then causes reactions. The thing is he will need to be very careful about washing his dishes and also washing his hands - as everything he touches that you then touch could cause a reaction.

Unfortunately he sounds like a dick who isn't going to take that care so I'm not sure where you go from here. I'd certainly start though by not touching any of his dishes where he's eaten peanut butter.

I'd cover him in peanut butter and roll him out of the car in the bear enclosure at Longleat.

Back in real life, this is not good. Having spend the past few years not having a particular foodstuff, he's decided recently, as your allergy to it has escalated, that he would like to buy it and have it in the house and eat it all the time.

He is fucking with you.

This is not how you treat someone you love, care about or even respect.

This would be the end for me. Life is hard enough without someone who is supposed to be your partner pulling this kind of stunt, he sounds like a cunt and I do not say that lightly.

He's being very unfair - presumably he doesn't have allergies? Even when they're not dangerous they're really unpleasant.

Please see a GP and discuss, my father had an allergy but he's dumb and exposed himself 3x because it tasted good but every single time it got worse. First was felt off, second time was nausea and generally unwell he didn't look right and third time he spent all night cuddling a toilet bowl and he looked SO bad. Went to GP and GP said its an allergy and to avoid said food, that it will probably just get worse and worse. It's an easy food to avoid luckily. Please be careful!

And husband is an absolute dick BTW but i think you know this.

you cant tell a man what he can and cant eat in his home. but he needs to keep it away from you and clean his own plates and the area and at least rinse his mouth before kissing you.