Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

Strongly urging you to see a different GP to discuss allergy testing/referral to allergy clinic. Ensure they know you had some lip swelling.

Im Sorry you’re in this situation x

You need to keep giving it to your child though - they can develop allergies through lack of exposure later on. You have to keep exposing them to allergens. Maybe get someone else to do it for you, or buy cereal bars that smell less of the nuts but have them in

Yes, same for me. My GP sent me for allergy testing. I was told to have some liquid piriton in the house just in case. Might be worth you getting some, I was told this works the fastest & what I would be given by a Dr if I was reacting to something.
As for your husband, hes a selfish arse. Every time he buys Peanut Butter, bin it.

You are in an abusive relationship. So are your children.

I despise the phrase "It's all in your head". It's disrespectful and 99% of the time it's totally inappropriate and said in a contemptuous manner. Not how you have an important discussion with the supposed love of your life.
Try and go "Grey Rock" on him.
Don't let him mess with your head or gaslight you. Dr Ramani on youtube has amazing advice on dealing with Narcs.
Definitely try and get another job if you can. Something "easy". I had a really simple job when I was in an abusive relationship, everyone kept telling me to go for something "better" but you don't need any more mental pressure. Just something to give you some independence x

I think the one of the worst aspects of this whole situation is the fact that your husband is now deliberately buying and eating peanut butter, when it was something he only ate rarely before. It's a blatant display of power. Telling you that it's your imagination is bad enough, but his actions in suddenly scarfing down the peanut butter, seem designed to mock and belittle you. He is not a good person, even if he manages to play nice when it suits him.

If you can't get through to WA, if you're in England or Wales you could try Victim Support. They have a 24/7 live chat service. I had to use it for something very distressing when I didn't know where else to turn. They can go through your rights and options with you. They were absolutely brilliant and arranged support for me. https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-and-support/get-help/support-near-you/live-chat/

Your husband is despicable.

Your husband sounds like a nasty scumbag. Money earned in a family needs to be shared to some extent, it isnt just "his". And wtf with the pb. Sorry OP, I can't see anything good coming from this man/relationship.

Can you pay for a private test? I would do, it’s too risky not to know for sure. It may be the palm oil (or other oil) in the peanut butter not the nuts for example.

Just wow! He sounds very immature and to actually put you at risk and serious harm of anaphylaxis is very disturbing, this is not a response from a caring and loving partner. I'd sit him down and have a discussion with him about how serious he should be taking this. In the meantime please see your G.P and request an epi- pen. It could get to the stage where even the smell of peanut butter could lead to a reaction. Lip swelling could lead to your airway closing. If he continues to ignore your concerns and mocks you then my advice would be to get out of the relationship. No loving partner would disregard the potential severity of this situation. Take care.

I think its time to go back to work

Just summarising your post and updates:

1. he has been physically abusive with you, including when you were pregnant
2. he controls your finances entirely and you (mistakenly) think because you are a SAHM you have no right to his money/home; It's marital income/property
3. he is deliberately bringing something into the house that has made you unwell in the past
4. he leaves you to clean up after him
5. he belittles how you feel

If this was a friend telling you this, what would you tell them?

OP, having read all of your updates so far it's clear that your DH is abusive.

The gaslighting, his behaviour, his comments and the actual physical abuse(putting his hand over your mouth is abusive)is very concerning.

You have a little girl, what would you say to her if she tells you these things about a partner when she's older? I'm pretty sure you'd be upset and not want her to be with a person who treats her like that. DH sounds like a narcissist, yes, that word is overused but the fact he's trying to gaslight you about a potentially dangerous health issue is a huge red flag imo.

He's horrible controlling man you have to sell stuff to get new things it's not just his money he works you look after d c I would be looking for a job when he's at home on weekends fuck that! 2 days pay to yourself then he gets to be a dad honestly don't let him do this you need more counselling or an escape plan imagine your dc older living with an abusive man or women you will be the first saying don't put up with it. Get a little job have time away from him.

LTB

I had a completely out of the blue reaction after eating a thai restaurant, hands itching, lips and tongue swelling, I went to A&E where it was confirmed it was anaphylaxis. It settled with anti histamines and steroids, but I made a follow up appointment with Gp, I was given epi pens and referred to immunology where blood tests revealed shellfish allergy. You really need to be tested and diagnosed so that you can get a management plan and emergency meds.

He's a bad man OP. Despite the good time there's a nasty person in there who hates you and wants to control you and finds your suffering funny/a game.
Absolutely time to talk to supportive people and get an escape plan.
Take back control of your life.

Just because you haven’t had a severe reaction YET doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Direct him to anaphylaxis uk or the The Natasha Foundation to educate him.

No one! Is he the beneficiary of your life insurance policy? Just saying!

That's financial abuse. Does he have his 'own' spending money? So should you have. You are married, his income is yours.

Yes, it means if ingested it could swell the throat. Also there are some people that with each tiny exposure can get worse allergies as an immune reaction.

This is pretty serious reading, I've read all your posts but not the whole thread.

Initially I was going to say that the peanut butter issue can be worked out on a 'meeting half way basis' where he can still eat it but he needs to respect your allergy - that's the grown-up way to approach it. My OH has allergies to mushrooms & pineapples and the thought of him consuming either and it making him ill has always had me checking neither are in anything he eats, it's just common sense and respectful. I do the buying food & cooking so I take it as my responsibility but it's never been a problem to me. We do have a good relationship though and I think that's the biggest plus - everything else just works.

I've also been in 2 long term bad relationships so I understand your predicament. The first was just as a couple in our 20s, the second was in my 30s - we got married and we had a child in our very late 30s. I should have run as far away as I could in the opposite direction but I wanted the stupid dream that I thought was before me and put up with a lot of emotional abuse which he never acknowledged - we argued a lot, my life was a disaster but gradually we'd sort things out. Yes we had periods of normality too, so much so that we had a child, she was planned - I idolise her and always have - having her in my life has made my life worthwhile - he on the other hand got worse. He threatened me with violence once and that was enough - it brought me to my senses. You need to get out of there because if he doesn't look out for you now, he won't look out for your child either. Your child sees and hears everything and they remember this stuff all their lives. Trust me I'm still going through it and so is DD even though we've been separated for years.

I'd say he's already had too many chances. Do you have family that you can go to xx

Swollen lips are the start to the allergic response. More exposure can worsen the response so speak to your GP and get some allergy tests done. You may need an EpiPen.

DH wouldn't tolerate you having peanut butter in the house if he had the allergy right?

No kisses either, not that I imagine you would want to kiss him now. He’s being uncaring.

Your daughter is going to grow up thinking that this is a normal way to be treated in a relationship.
Do you really want that for her?
He is abusive and awful. Please get yourself and your daughter away from him.