Fell out over peanut butter

[Rosegarden47]

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not buy peanut butter?

A few months ago when exposing my DD to peanut butter for the first time my hands broke out in a really itchy rash. The second time, the rash turned into hives and my lips swelled slightly and got itchy. I took an antihistamine and it calmed down. I’ve always despised/been kinda phobic of anything peanuts so I’ve not handled it for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying I have a severe allergy or anything, but I’d just rather not take the risk so I asked my husband if we could not buying it in future. I started buying my daughter cashew or almond butter instead which she really loves and I don’t have an issue with.

Well, since then my husband has started buying it all the time and jokes that I “helped him rediscover his love for peanut butter”. I bit my tongue at first because he used to always wash any plates or cutlery he used, but now he’s just started leaving all his peanut buttery things for me to deal with. Aside from my allergy concerns, the smell literally makes me want to vomit.

Today he sat down next to me at the breakfast table and opened the jar and I said “yuck, I wish you wouldn’t buy that stuff.” He completely flipped and said I was childish and rude for insulting his food. He said the hives and itchy lips were all in my head and called me a liar and said I’d never asked for him to not buy it in the past.

I didn’t want this to be a big deal and I’m hurt my husband won’t respect my request about one food item he rarely bought in the past. I have no idea if I’m being unreasonable or not asking him not to buy peanut butter.

Yes, it does. I should know. I've lived with food allergies all my life, seen many allergists, been hospitalized many times and come very close to dying more than once. I've read hundreds of studies and articles on food allergies, peanut allergies in particular.

I’m very sorry to hear how serious your allergies are. It is hard going.

My DC has peanut allergy as well as other food allergies and has had a couple of anaphylactic reactions over the years. Not for a long time now thankfully.
I myself have had an anaphylactic reaction to medication.

Like you I have been motivated to read everything I can on the subject - I worked in a related field so that made it a bit easier.

A quick question - how do you think immunotherapy ever has a chance of working if reactions are destined to get worse on every exposure to peanut?

It’s a myth than allergic reactions get progressively worse over time.
They might, they might not. Any reaction can be severe. If you’ve had a severe reaction before you’re at higher risk of having one again.

I hope you stay well. Allergies are tough going and not everyone realises that which doesn’t help.

I worked in a high end jewellers. So yeah, basically a glorified shop assistant

I understand that. But allergy - and it may have been intolerance - could indeed have lead to death. He was born in the mid-forties when breast-feeding was definitely not a thing, and had to be raised on oatmeal mixed with water until he could be weaned at 3 months. I don't think OP is allergic to peanuts, she has similar symptoms to hayfever + plus hives if she eats or touches the stuff. It doesn't kill her either. So you can have peanut butter in the cupboard, she just doesn't touch it.

I don't think OP is allergic to peanuts, she has similar symptoms to hayfever + plus hives if she eats or touches the stuff. It doesn't kill her either.

I’ve read everything I can on allergies as DC has multiple allergies including peanut..

I’m not a medical doctor but worked in medical research (in an unrelated field) so reading the medical literature is fairly straightforward for me.

What OP has described are classic allergy symptoms.

Also, she hasn’t mentioned eating peanuts, just touching them and smelling them.

For those saying to contact women’s aid, I tried calling a women’s helpline multiple times after the last (and one of the worst) physical incidents but I was on hold for over an hour each time and was still far down the queue, and ran out of time on every occasion. They’re literally impossible to get hold of. After that things improved massively until yesterday

@Rosegarden47 Are you in a safe place?

She didn’t ingest it though - so clearly just opening the jar and being anywhere near it is a problem. And it’s not an intolerance, it’s an allergy. Her lips swelled - that’s an anaphylactic reaction.

Peanuts aren’t actually a nut, they’re a legume, so it’s possible OP’s allergy pertains to that rather than actual nuts. OP is already having an anaphylactic reaction - lots of people missing the fact that lip swelling is exactly that. It’s a myth that the allergy worsens with each exposure, but it can become life threatening depending on other things - environmental factors as well as how well your immune system is working at the time of exposure.

https://www.moneyadviceplus.org.uk/fsl/

Try this helpline, OP, they focus on supporting victims of DA on their financial rights, on getting stable enough to leave and on prioritising what you need now as opposed to what you can sort out later.

Your husband is knowingly and deliberately causing you distress and upset with the peanut butter antics.
He is knowingly and deliberately putting you at potential physical risk.
He is undermining you by saying you are lying/exagerrating/etc.
He is financially abusive: you are a financial unit, legally joined by marriage, "his" money is family money.
He has been physically aggressive and you have felt unsafe enough to try to contact Womens Aid.

If you ever doubt your own experience, please remember that your daughter is seeing this, and it is telling her "this is how daddy treats mummy, this is what family looks like, this is how I'll be a grown up/mummy/wife one day".

You need to get out to make yourself safe, and to make her future safe.

I thought her reactions were purely from it being in the room, on plates in the washing, she's not been eating it?

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time :( have you got friend's and family in real life who you can confide in about his behaviour?

I mean, you do realise that this advice could actually kill the OP don't you? It's beyond irresponsible to announce to someone over the internet that their allergy symptoms are just an intolerance and it's fine for her to have peanuts in the house. You don't understand allergies, you obviously have zero experience of peanut allergies and are basing your totally uninformed opinion on someone else's dairy intolerance. A completely different thing to what the OP is experiencing. She is in real danger and the abuse to which she had been subjected adds a whole complicating layer to that. Telling her she'll be fine to have peanut butter in a cupboard when just a slight contact with it - not ingestion, just smelling and being near it - has given her lip swelling and hives already. The lip swelling is potentially extremely serious and there is no basis for dismissing that as 'just an intolerance'. That attitude could kill someone. * *

To clarify, I had the reaction after opening the jar and spreading it on some toast for my daughter. The first time I got a little on my fingers but washed my hands immediately because it grosses me out and that’s when I got the hives. Second time I didn’t get any on my hands, but I guess there was probably traces on the jar/lid and that’s when I got the lip swelling/itching

Husband changed a lot (not for the better) after our daughter was born 18 months ago.

Abusers do. Marriage counselling won’t help, he’ll just learn to hide the abuse better.

Every post of yours just gets more and more frightening. I'm sorry you haven't managed to get the help you so desperately need. Please don't stop trying 🙏
Do you have anyone in real life that you can tali to? Family or friends?

Something I didn’t mention before as I’d completely forgot, but I may as well now as I’m blowing off steam. The only reason I ever handled the peanut butter the second time was because after I told my husband about my first reaction (he didn’t see that one), he laughed and said it was all in my head because my favourite cheese had peanuts in it. I felt really embarrassed and that’s why I gave my daughter the peanut butter again. After I had another reaction, I googled it and the cheese didn’t contain peanuts. First of all he said he had been joking to wind me up, then when that upset me, he backtracked and said when he’d googled it it said it did contain peanuts. Then when I said that was impossible he said he hadn’t actually googled it, but just assumed. That incident really hurt me

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

He’s clearly lying. Three different stories. Anyway, why would anyone assume cheese has peanuts in it?

Nuts aren’t generally something you associate with cheese - unless perhaps a speciality vegan ‘cheese’ which isn’t really cheese at all. Was it that sort of thing?

OP, you are really not safe with this man. I hope you are soon able to plan your escape from him.

Rosegarden, with every update, your husband sounds worse. It can be hard to see these types of behaviours as they creep in slowly, like water coming to the boil, but he's is controlling you in every way possible: physically, mentally, financially, emotionally. He seems to take pleasure in dictating to you that he has all the power in your relationship and you have none. You're told that family money is 'his', you were crying and he tried to silence you physically, he was going to take your daughter away from you, he told you to leave 'his' house, he tells you what you are and aren't allergic to...

This is not a partnership or a loving relationship, this is a bully who wants his own way in every single way. One or two of the examples above are serious red flags, but put together, it's no wonder there are 17 pages of women telling you to get away from him.

I know it's not easy to leave a marriage, or your child's father, but he sounds dangerous. Do you have anywhere you could go, with your daughter? Do you have family who could help?

He's messing with your head to make you think you're losing it. To question yourself
Over allergies.
Why would he do that?!
Not to mention the physical abuse you've mentioned.
He's a danger.

@Rosegarden47 Apologies if this has been posted previously. I've skimmed a bit.. but there is a free helpline at Allergy UK.
They might have some practical RL advice to help you get access to an NHS test, or tell you exactly what private tests cost in the area.
https://www.allergyuk.org/our-services/helpline/

If you have access to money to buy groceries, I think people have suggested before overpaying and getting out cashback over several shops, which might help. I hope you can get a test somehow to relieve your worries.

Please talk to a friend, or family member in RL if you - so that you have some level of support.
It sounds like he is deliberately trying to provoke and wind you up to get a reaction and then start a fight. So don't engage when he does this.
Its not being passive, its being protective of yourself whilst you work out how to deal with all of this. A simple shrug and an "if you say so", in a very neutral tone will soon make him see he can't get a rise out of you and hopefully this will prevent things escalating.

Your gp should be referring for allergy testing, they are the only ones who can prescribe an Epi pen. You’d husband really needs to take this more seriously as this is his my sons started, he now has an Epi pen

If it was simply because you didn't like it and he did....you'd be unreasonable to stop him buying it. As there's a medical reason and even having it in the house brings on an allergic reaction, of course you're not unreasonable.