To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

I'm on both sides of the fence about this. Were they being cheeky? Yes, without a doubt. Had you stood your ground though, and you would've had every right to, you may have found yourself without an invite to any further social meet-ups. I would've kept quiet and accepted it personally, especially to make friends, but you would've been right in either scenario imo, it just depends on which outcome was more important for you: you paying your actual fair amount (the discounted one) or making new friends.

I agree with @purplespink .

Good advice so far. I would suggest a different chain/ venue next time where you din5 get discount to make sure you don’t get taken for granted….

I would have done the same as I'm a wuss.
But I would be very cautious going forward that they are offering a genuine friendship and not just using your 33% discount.....
Sorry but it seems very suss that they coincidentally decided to go to somewhere you csn get a discount. Was this discussed before? Did they know/ask that you could get them a massive discount?

There was another thread in which the OP was devastated that a friend didn't offer to share a discount with her. There's no right or wrong here.
I think you did the best thing, going with their expectations. It would have been embarrassing to say no and probably make them feel that you were calling them cheeky.
In future I'd avoid going to places where you have a voucher unless you feel OK about sharing it. On the positive side, sharing vouchers is clearly a way to these women's hearts!

God I really don't know

You'd already kindly used your staff discount to get ~£170 off the total bill.

I agree with@purplespink , but maybe if you end up with a similar situation in future, either hold your voucher back to use with other people at a different time, or possibly just let everyone else pay first and then use your voucher and £10 for your share.
They were being cheeky, but it's likely to happen again unless handled carefully.

And if you do choose to use a voucher in future, then be ready with a reply - "oh, no, I've already shared the staff discount so we got 30%/ £170 (or whatever) off the bill. This voucher isn't part of the staff discount, it was a gift specifically to me."
But be aware people are often strange about things like this so the fall out might not be worth it.

I think mentioning and then using your £50 voucher was a big mistake but you live and learn.

I hate to say it but did the others know you’d get a big discount at the restaurant?

No advice at all but a huge thanks!!! The first week of octopus has given me one of the biggest giggles I’ve had in weeks and it was much needed!!!! I’m now trying to name all the other months in animals that sound like the actual name!! 😂

The others got an amazing deal of a £80 plus meal for £52.

Joining a pre-existing frienship group is always going to be a bit weird, you'll always be on the back foot a bit. Agree with a pp that you should watch out they weren't just in it for the 33% discount. You'll know soon enough when/if they invite you to other stuff and how it all plays out. Just, be alert.

Personally I think for a first outing splitting the voucher is fair enough. It's what I'd do with my friends. Presumptuous of them to say they're helping themselves to it, though. Again, be alert to this.

Bigger picture, try to make friends organically at school, and preferably out of school entirely. There could be ramifications for your child and you're only just starting out. Try to befriends new mums, like you. Start with a clean slate.

Have you met any oh your DC’s friend’s parents, this can be a good way of making potential mum friends?

I know this isn’t what your thread is about.

That’s a bit cheeky but was spur of the moment so perhaps they didn’t think it through.
Lesson learned never use a voucher for a group meal just in case!

You’ve gone to so much effort with this group I wouldn’t rock the boat this time. Suck it up and be more savvy if they are CF - btbf they’re probably not.

I think given you'd already got them a 33% discount, they were cheeky as hell to then use your voucher also. Hopefully it was unconscious/done without thinking thing but I find it hard to believe not one of 5 ppl didn't say it wasn't right.

That being said, if your aim is to make friendships, I think you were right not to say something and just see it as an investment in hopefully a new group of friends. I agree with others to keep an eye out on whether all invites are to places you can use your discount though

You played it right but just keep your eyes open to make sure they are your friends for the right reason and not just interested in your discounts!

Nah they were cheeky fucks.. they didn't go there because you had a voucher they already got 30% reduction and they are grabbing over a further 3GBP?

I would have done the same in the same situation but nah no more discounts for them.

i think I’m with them actually. If you’ve got a buy one get one free two people go halves I think. So same sort of scenario here. That’s a really good deal you got for them all so maybe it’s different. Just be careful they’re aren’t friends with you for your discount.

Also, reception year - lots of mums will still be finding their feet re getting to know the other mums.

I would have been pissed off as you’d already got them discount which they should have been happy with! However I’d let it slide this time in order to make friends!

I'm not sure about this. When I have a discount voucher I always share it with my friends when we go out and they do the same. However, I wouldn't actually ask someone else to do this, as was the case here. I think that's kind of presumptuous. However, if I had been in your position, I would have offered anyway.

They were cheeky to use your voucher but it's a bit awkward to pay with a voucher when others aren't imo.

Hindsight is great but I would have kept the voucher for another time, save any awkwardness.

I'm a bit sceptical that they weren't using you a bit though...the invite, discount and then grabbing the voucher. Be wary.

I think you're going about making friends in quite an intense way that leaves you open to being used. It's great that you are being proactive about getting out there and meeting people but try not to prioritise making friends so much so that you don't care what they are like. You deserve friends that you click with, share interests with and who appreciate you. I would tread carefully with this group.

It is really unusual for a well established friendship group with older DC to invite a new person for a night out.

Please be careful.

Whoever suggested it is a CF. Doesn't sound like someone you want as a friend.

Did they know that you get a 33% discount at the restaurant they'd booked? If so, I'd assume that's why you were invited.