To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

The voucher is OPs personal voucher and she shouldn’t have needed to share but it’s understandable why she did in this case. It was probably better to use the voucher on another occasion as people have very different views on these type of things (as evidenced by this thread!) The fact that OP provided a voucher from her employer to the PTA for fundraising also muddied the waters somewhat as in the other mums heads it was “free” for OP to do that (which it was as employer paid) so her own personal £50 voucher was also free to be shared (when really it was for OPs own use as her work bonus).

OP I’d urge a bit of caution here. I’m not sure why you made a beeline for the established biggest PTA contributor mums with older DC in first place? They aren’t really going to be the most likely source of new friendships as established group (potentially clique in my experience even!) whose DC aren’t even in your DC year at school. I think it’s no coincidence that they invited you after one PTA meeting to their annual meal out - perhaps if a very very large group of parents this could be more likely but 5 of them suddenly deciding you were to join them after one single meeting seems … odd. Maybe a coffee or drink every but their annual big meal out? I have a suspicion it had a little to do with your big discount as upsetting as that might be. Cool it with this group and see if you are included again. In mean time try to make some more organic natural friendships by being friendly at school gates, play dates for your DC and people at hobbies etc. don’t put so much pressure on yourself to make lifelong friends at the school gates either. Things have changed a fair bit since your mums school gate days also. It’s less likely you’ll fiend friendships beyond polite chitchat about school and kids and maybe the odd play date together. Look elsewhere (hobbies both your own and DCs, etc).

Tbh I'd have used the discount and kept quiet about the voucher and used it on another occasion.

I do think it was cheeky but £100 worth of food and cocktails in, at half price already I can see how they thought you were helping the group have a cheap night

I agree but perhaps the parents whose actions are being called into question might be too easily be able to join the dots. Just wanted to alert the poster in case it was a concern for them.

The thing that gets me is it wasn’t a random money off coupon that anyone can get, it was a’reward’ for hard work! So I think they were CF to take advantage of your voucher! Be careful they’re not just using you!

Oh dear @Mirabai. You were wrong. Just admit it. Every time you keep digging it just makes you look worse.

It would have been wiser to finish the thread before commenting.

I'd give benefit of the doubt as they may have thought it was another staff benefit that you had and was no skin off your nose etc. and didn't realise it was your performance reward that you'd earned. Easy to misunderstand and if alcohol involved etc.

I wonder if the issue is calling it a voucher rather than gift or bonus

I still think it’s cheeky. It was her bonus to do with as she saw fit.

Also Op, sure there's plenty of time for me asking friends too. It's only December and you'll find you really get to know parents through all the class parties....you'll find there are loads in the spring. That's how I made friends with my daughter's class parents. After 3 or 4 parties you'll find your people!

Yeah I’m thinking did they see it as a coupon or another perk from work?

I think it was pretty cheeky for someone to say how you should use your voucher. But to be honest as you had donated a voucher for the raffle, got a massive discount from the bill it may have just been assumed that you got these vouchers pretty easily and had a drawer of them at home.

Poster only missed your very obvious lie, so no great shakes really.

This gets weirder and weirder. Feel free to check my back posts.

The issue is that you gave the voucher to them for them to use without you, then they invited you along. So technically the voucher no longer belonged to you.

You did a lovely thing and really got the bill knocked down but did you tell them about this beforehand and it lead to you all agreeing to order more cocktails or was it a nice surprise at the end?

You sound like a lovely person, and I probably would have pointed out that you should pay less because you had saved the group money. But technically the voucher was no longer yours and if you announced your discount at the beginning it potentially encouraged the bill to be much higher in the first place than it would have been otherwise (probably equaling out with the discount leading to them paying roughly the same as they originally had budgeted for).

Had the group been more mature or fair minded they would not have agreed to you using your voucher after such a handsome discount.

The issue is that you gave the voucher to them for them to use without you, then they invited you along. So technically the voucher no longer belonged to you.

There are two different vouchers.

you've misunderstood the post.

You did them a huge favour with the discount and said the extra voucher was for you, they should have respected that, not jumped in to get more money from you. Lesson learnt, stand your ground next time, totally understand it was overwhelming at the time.

Also, please don't just rely solely on other Mums for friendships, children move, the dynamic changes at secondary school etc. I was in a group and kept it casual, though fortunate to have my own friends as not newly moved as you are. Hopefully though some you will click with and have everlasting friendships with, others you may not. Xx

Oof that's a bit mean!

Exactly my reaction, just because you have DC the same age doesn't mean you have anything in common apart from that. X

Mean, but it's exactly what I thought too.

You are very correct. I didn’t read the words raffle prize or about the second voucher. Serves me right for replying when sleep deprived yet unable to sleep!

I think the person who asked you to use your voucher after already saving the group quite a bit off the bill is a CF. However, I think you played it well with it being your first time out with them. If you go out again with them keep an eye on them, see how they split bills, take turns for drinks rounds etc & have an excuse ready so you can pay your own bill/drinks without being in the 'kitty'

Just a bit of an update.

The group I went out with on the night out went a bit quiet on me even though I tried to chat with them in the playground so I think those PPs who'd advised caution were probably correct .

But having said that, one of the other moms who I'd kinda chatted to briefly a few times invited DD and I over at the weekend just gone for a play, we had a lovely time and bonded over our love of a hobby. We're going to a local forest for a walk in the day after boxing day.

And I've joined a different hobbyist group, will be starting that in the New Year.

I'll try to be less puppyish.

Thank you all for sage words.

💐

@Nicenicenight

I fully advise watching Motherland. It’s on iplayer at the moment. Series 1.