To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

You sound very very keen to make friends with these school mums. If it’s that important to you I wouldn’t mention the bill again.

It was cheeky of them yeah but you’re very invested.

Did they know about your staff discount before they invited you? Seems quite a coincidence that they book the same restaurant that you are part of.

The voucher should have covered most of your share- it wasn’t something general like the discount. However I don’t think they were necessarily being cheeky- after a few cocktails and in the heat of the moment I can imagine that they probably didn’t appreciate the distinction.

I wouldn’t raise it afterwards- too much faff to correct and too embarrassing. You could have said something at the time but even that would have been a bit awkward. Next time just keep it simple and save your voucher for another occasion.

Well it sounds like their last minute decision to invite you was I order to benefit from your staff discount op.

Have you spoken to any reception parents? Invited anyone round for a playmate yet?

Wrong thread

I think they were taking the piss - you got them a whopping 33% off their meal which maybe they were expecting, maybe that is why they invited you... but the £50 vouchers was yours - as you said, like cash... I would have been pissed off.

Absolutely understand the relief at being included by an existing group when you are new to an area, especially if you turned up later in the year.

The note of caution sounded by others it's important here though. If you are content to join their annual outing and provide your staff discount then it's all good.

Your real friends are going to come from people whose own friendship groups are less well established. Don't stop looking out for others to get to know

When you are all alone, look out for others who are in a similar position and say something to them. Trust the process, over time, you will gravitate to those who will be come your friends.

I too would have kept my mouth shut on this occasion however I would be VERY wary of going out with these guys again. Someone in the group should really have stepped in and said, “actually, @Nicenicenight has saved us enough money eh, this is her voucher!” But then I’m not one to assume that other people’s vouchers are there to necessarily share with others. Clearly opinions are divided on this. Personally I don’t think that an individual’s means of paying a shared bill are anyone else’s business. Otherwise we could start saying, “well she earns more so she should pay more” or “she was given her money by her parents as a gift so she should split her gift with all of us” etc.

Anyway. As I was saying, I’d be wary of this group. They sound like they might be the Queen bees who are used to being the it gang in the strange land of the parent’s waiting area of the school playground. I wouldn’t be too keen to be friends with them, op. I’m sure there are nicer parents so try not to be too desperate.

On a slightly different point, I wouldn't focus on trying to make this group your main friendship group. Instead, take a look around at other reception parents who are standing by themselves and go and chat to them. Work the room at birthday parties and see which parents you actually like. There's no point in being accepted into a group if you don't actually like them!

I was going to say this too. I would go along with it for the sake of the first time but keep an watchful eye on the places you are/aren’t invited out to…

FWIW, do continue to make an effort with these mums but I’ve always found that the better/closer mum friendships are with those whose elder child is the same age as your elder child, ie they’re starting school at the same time. First time school mums (including me!) are always way keener. It’s only the first term - very early days

I'm a bit cynical, but did they know you got a 33% discount before inviting you along, or after? I fear you may be at risk of just being invited along to take advantage. Be wary

Eurgh tough one - I think people that would expect you to do that are not nice people so I wouldn't want to be friends with them.

Did they know you got a staff discount before they invited you? If so I'm afraid they (at least the one who asked you to share your voucher with everyone) are users and CFs. If not then maybe just a blip. Good to know the difference so you can ensure you make friends that will add value to your life rather than just take from you.

This all sounds a bit Morherland. Don’t care so much or you will get hurt. These people are not your friends and when you find out, don’t let it be too high stakes to you

Another one sounding a note of caution and saying if you want mum friends you’ll be better sticking with those in your child’s class.
Hopefully there will be plenty of whole class birthday parties that you can meet people.

I was lucky enough to make really good friends at toddler groups 16 years ago and so already had an established group by the time the kids started school but also have good friends through sports clubs (my own and my children’s) and work so don’t panic if you don’t find what you’re looking for at school.

If you mean the one about the cinema tickets, that was a completely different scenario.

OP, these women were cheeky to assume they could use your voucher, they had already benefited massively from your staff discount. But it might have been a simple miscommunication. With hindsight, it would probably have been better not to use your voucher and saved it for another night if you didn’t want to share it.

You were definitely right not to say anything though. You’ve got 7+ years of these mums to go it’s not worth making problems at this stage.

Wow, so they happily use your discount, but then they steal your voucher? What a cheek. They should have been grateful for the discount and happily let you use your own voucher. I didn't vote because I think something should have been said, but I personally would have kept my mouth shut and just paid like you did even though I think they were wrong.

Why though? It’s cash equivalent.

if you were clothes shopping and your friend had a voucher / gift card you’d expect to share it?

I wouldn’t mention it but I read your post and thought they invited you for the discount. The playground can be hard work. Organise 1-1 play dates for your dd or after school soft play/park and see if a few parents want to come along. Speak to your dd and see who she is friendly with. Also work on having your own interests/hobbies you can meet people that way or through work is that an option.

It’s really suspicious that straight after finding out you get good discounts at a restaurant suddenly they have booked a table and invited you along! The timing is really off and
I’m sorry but I think they’ve really used you! But I guess time will tell if they then invite you to other things that aren’t to do with a restaurant discount…
It’s very hard to integrate yourself suddenly into a well established group. I often find it works better if you make friends with one person and get to know them well and then they often integrate you into their friendship group gradually.

OP says she’s moved to a new area so presumably it’s local friends she’s after. Quite understandably.

No it’s not. Typo in OP’s opening line. I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

I would have kept the voucher back for me and DH. Just used staff discount