To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

I personally would have found it really weird if you'd paid with a voucher. I'd have thought if you had brought it along that it would have been to share and get money off the bill. I don't think anyone has done anything malicious here - I don't think they're using you for your discount. I think they've just maybe missed the point that you'd wanted to use it
For yourself. I think you did the right thing to sacrifice it.

'I'll use my staff discount to reduce our bill....!'

'I'll use my gift card to cover my share...!'

Understand why you haven't buy you should of spoke up - they may of thought it was all staff perks and I think could of easily been challenged

I wouldn't let it put you off building a friendship x

I think it was cheeky of the new "friend" to suggest this as it was your voucher and surprised no one said "It's Nicenight's voucher. she already got us a discount" but also mainly wondering why they invited you and whether it was for your discount? Were they even going there anyway or did they go as they knew you'd get it cheaper for them? A bit suss.

I would have said something along the lines of "sorry ladies, this one's for me". They're not the kind of people I'd want to be close friends with if they take umbrage with you using a voucher for your own meal.

My friend gets Tesco vouchers as she does a lot of shopping there, we often meet at pizza express for dinner and she uses the vouchers to take £ off the total so we all pay less. If I ever have vouchers I would do the same so it's a cheaper night for all. So I think you did the right thing by not saying anything. Tbh I would feel a bit selfish just using it for my share but not sure why I would feel that way now I'm thinking about it.
However, was it not the voucher you were using for a raffle prize or is there a different voucher?
Also did they know you could get a discount at that specific place before inviting you, if so that's a bit CF behaviour.

The main thing is, if you get on with them and can see yourself building genuine friendships, then just let it lie and think no more on it. Use future vouchers if you want as it's a nice friendly gesture, but if you don't want to then I wouldn't just use it for yourself with this group until your familiar enough to voice that.

Oh gosh clearly they were a bit cheeky, taking your voucher as a(nothrr) group discount, rather than your payment., but I also think I might not have flashed any of the discounts on my first meal out with a new group, because I’d always be worried that I was only then invited out for future trips because of the discount. (That’s my insecurity coming through clearly)

I love the idea that tiny kids starting school are 'on-boarded'. I'm imagining an induction with PowerPoints and ice breakers.

I'm with those who say proceed with caution. They are either genuine and a bit thoughtless or they thought you'd be handy to have around for the discount (which says more about them than you by the way).

I'd dial back the excitement about this being the start of something great and take your time to get to know them before getting too invested.

Every single one of them got a good deal. OP got a slightly less good deal than she would have done had she gone alone, but then she would have been alone.

if you go with the plan to split the bill I think you split equally, using whatever discount or vouchers you have.

I’d raise an eyebrow if I was out in a group and someone waited until the end and whipped out a voucher to cover just their part of the bill. Looks a bit overly concerned with money- whereas share it with everyone and it clearly gives a much better impression. I think if I’d not wanted to share it I’d have left it at home to use another time.

Yes it’s the perks of OP’s job so it was generous of her to share but conversely it would have looked ungenerous to not share.

plus on the totally pragmatic side she is trying to fit in, so she did the right thing. Who knows what perks the other women will be willing to share with her in due course..

I actually wonder if the lady who plucked it out of her hand was saving her from an embarrassing social faux pas. Maybe she realised how it would look and just sorted it quickly. Might have been a heavy handed kindness..

She already shared the 33% discount with them. A gift voucher is different as it just replaces the cash she would have spent.

Every single one of them got a good deal. OP got a slightly less good deal than she would have done had she gone alone, but then she would have been alone.

I don’t think the OP got a good deal, she spent around £50 and used her £50 voucher.

Yeah so she got a lovely night out with friends and she paid less than diners who didn’t have a voucher or a %33 disount.

I acknowledged she would have got a better deal had she gone alone, but I’m guessing she wouldn’t have enjoyed it quite so much.

not everything is about money.

She probably would have gone along to another restaurant and happily paid full price as she was really there for the company. So the discounted meal was really just a bonus. She could compare to the other women and think that they got a better deal (even though they actually all paid the same) but surely it’s nicer to just consider that everyone had a lovely meal with the added bonus of a bit off the bill.

it’s all a matter of perspective and deciding what is most important. I mean, she could have stayed at home and had the best deal, financially speaking.

Choose your battles, OP.
She was cheeky, no doubt. But the consequence of your raising this would have been wait more dramatic than the 20 pounds or whatever you end up overpaying.

I think using a voucher when everyone is paying out their pocket is slightly socially awkward. It just immediately puts a divide up where everyone else feels like they’ve paid more. I think you were right to not say anything and you would have been better off using your voucher for a meal just with yourself and one other you are prepared to treat.

If you were expecting to use the voucher to cover your share of the bill I would have spoken up and said so. Something along the lines of - sorry folks, the discount should help you all, but this voucher is basically part of my wages and I need it to cover my share of what we owe.

There's no point in caving to people trying to walk all over you when you're trying to make friends. That's a fast track to having shitty friends.

Edit to add: Agree with PP, though, that using a voucher on an occasion like this is not the best choice.

You should have saved the voucher for a night with your dh. It would have a been a bit weird.

I don't think paying with a voucher is awkward, but I'd have been clear and not taken it out until there was a gap in conversation and said 'I'm going to use this voucher towards my portion'. I think it was weird for them to assume you were giving towards the whole meal. Why would you do that?

I voted YABU
I would have said no that the voucher was mine and they’d already benefitted from 33% off courtesy of my staff discount.
It feels like they seriously took advantage of you and your friendliness.
I would not have gone along with them appropriating your £50 personal voucher to be nice.
Sometimes it is good to have a backbone and stand your ground with new friendship groups so while they know you are generous (33% off due to you), you’re also not going to take shit from them either.

I agree with @Christmaseason be careful OP. I'm not sure these women want to be your friend

I wouldn’t have got the voucher out for a group payment and you could have made it clear it was your contribution to the meal rather than free money They’re new friends so I can understand you not wanting to make a scene.

Gosh yes I see now that using the gift card/voucher was probably a bit unthoughtfout. I'll definitely not do that again, save it for when it's just me and husband it my mom maybe. I think I just viewed it as cash.

And to those asking yes their meal was already booked, a table for 5, they said they go to Brown's every year just before Christmas.

They just kindly added me to their group this year after we'd chatted at the meeting the night before. Thought it was very sweet of them.

I'll look forward to joining them again 🤞🏻

Very difficult @Nicenicenight at such an early stage to come out and say ‘no, this is my performance bonus’. Easier if you knew them better to say something. I think let this one go and see how things develop.

I think they were being incredibly cheeky!
If you'd already saved us £170 in total, I would have been suggesting we covered yours for you, as it would still have worked out cheaper. Then if you'd have used the voucher instead I wouldn't have dreamed of taking that off you as well and making you pay even more.

I think of vouchers as just a different payment option - like card/cash/voucher, not like a 'money off' coupon. If one person had a voucher and was going to pay with that I'd never even consider it to be used communally.

I'd give them another chance if you otherwise had fun but as pps said, make sure they invite you other places and not only when they can get a discount.
I'd also suggest looking to make friends somewhere else - work/gym/volunteering/hobby group/mum or friend meet up app/try again with the mums of your child's friends - honestly it seems like you've got a bit of an idea stuck in your head about meeting your BFFs at the school gate just because your mum did, but you aren't her. You can meet/make new friends anywhere.

I'm going to go against the grain here - but I would think it really odd if you used the voucher just for you and didn't share it. Even with you sharing the discount. I could just never imagine having a voucher and not just taking it off the total bill and everyone paying a bit less. I've always done that when I've had vouchers when out with friends.

I'd never say out loud that someone else should do that, but I would find it odd.

You were right to say nothing. I hope it turns into a lovely friendship group but do protect yourself! You sound extremely eager to find a crew, it might come off a bit intense x