To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

You wanted to use the voucher for yourself and only pay £10 cash? I find that a bit off and makes you look cheap.

Agreed. OP in the future it is quite rude to pull out an extra discount voucher just to use for yourself when out with friends.

However in this case as they’d used you anyway for the general discount they’d been the rude ones first!

Well using a voucher which knocks something off the total bill is a good first time gesture but avoid vouchers in future with that particular crowd!

Yep, this. OP I think you should stop being so free with the discounts - you’re looking for real friends not freeloaders who will use you whenever it’s convenient. If you’re invited again and it turns out to be somewhere you get a discount, wait until the bill arrives and don’t offer it. See what the reaction is - it will tell you all you need to know.

Why? It was her work bonus. A gift.

what’s the line? You get a voucher for a hairdresser and share it?

They were out of order, that should have been kept for yourself to pay, they’d already had a big discount already.

I don’t see the voucher as particularly a big deal either way, but I agree with pps that you’re coming across as over-keen on making friends for life— these things take time. You having missed the start of the year may not have made the slightest difference. I was there from the first day of Reception at DS’s first school and never made a single friend, despite being a socially confident person who’d never struggled to make friends in other settings. DS joined his second school in January, having moved internationally, in Year 3, just brfore Covid, but I made friends completely unproblematically there.

Just calm down a bit about it all. You don’t need to think it’s this group or no one, and you shouldn’t rush into things. The dashing off to call your mother and buy a new outfit so as ‘not to let the side down’ would make me slightly concerned for you. If you’re this eager to make friends, I think you risk turning into the group lackey. Just take your time. Think about whether you even like this group. Think ‘Is this working for me?’ You haven’t actually said whether you like them anywhere!

What ?? After her staff discount had already knocked £170 off the bill ? The voucher was personal use and cash equivalent, so it made no difference to the others, who leapt on it and got themselves another discount at OP’s expense. That’s just greedy and would add to the feeling of being used.

I would have either stuck the voucher in the pot and reduced everything a bit more or not used it.

See it as an investment in a potential friendship.

It’s not odd. It’s worth OP missing out once to find out what’s really going on, and l’d bet the farm she wouldn’t get away with it. Someone would pipe up and ask - that or she wouldn’t be asked again once they realised the freebies had stopped. Either way she would know their true motive.

I can see both sides. It does seem a bit cheap if you were only paying ten pounds, but I also can see you wanted to use that in lieu of cash.

Regardless of the payment situation, did you have a good evening, and I hope the token situation didn’t spoil this.

Not your AIBU but your expectations of reception and school gate friendships are really high. It all sounds really intense and not healthy. I hope you’re not projecting your attitude of “if you don’t make friends this term you’ll NEVER have friends” to your daughter.

I think this is on you for getting the voucher out. I wouldn't be getting a voucher out to pay for a meal with a group of new friends.

If I was out for a meal with my group of friends and one of us had a voucher, we normally share it - in fact the voucher would likely have been the reason we'd pick the restaurant in the first place.

But I agree with PP, be careful and make sure they're not just inviting you when you're able to get them discount.

I’d be extremely wary OP. I’m in a lovely tight group of mums from school. If anyone new joined us for a meal we’d be the opposite in this situation - insisting they used it for themselves (even if we expected them to counter-insist on dividing it between the group).

Also, and take this the right way, I mean very kindly, but you sound so desperate to make friends that you may come across as a bit intense and it might also blind you to the fact that you want the right friends, not just any friends. I don’t know anyone who would buy new clothes and ring their mum before a Xmas meal out with school mums. I agree with PPs - absolutely be open to this new friendship, but pursue other avenues too - speak to a range of parents in playgrounds, classes etc.

Difficult one - but won’t the fact you didn’t say no to them sour the relationship slightly going forward ?

They probably already had the night out arranged and couldn’t believe their luck when they found out about your discount. I’d be careful - why do you want to be friends with the Queen bee types? It will be just like it was in school with bitching and stuff. I’d find some other nice friends and not stress it too much. Plus these ones can probably smell your desperation.

They are cheeky gits. Op won her voucher for her good service at work. After getting them a 33% discount they basically also took something that had been given to her as a personal gift. I'm sure in my friendship group someone would have said something like 'Don't be daft, that's your voucher, you earned it, you use it for yourself'.

'But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.'

I always think that discounts and vouchers should be for the benefit of the whole group. It’s free money at the end of the day and assuming you like the people you are out with, wouldn’t you want them to save a bit of money before Xmas?

You did the right thing not to make a fuss of it - that would have just resulted in them discussing that you are a bit miserly and maybe they won’t invite you again in their group chat.

Re-read the second line of the OP.

Cheeky of them to ask but I’d not use a voucher in a group setting.

So the moral of the story is to never try and use a voucher at a group meal and be a bit wary with the PTA women in case they invited you for your discount. I wonder if they would have had the cocktails if they were paying full price.

I’m so confused by some of the attitudes on here.

if I bought my daughter a gift voucher for somewhere I would not expect her to share it with her friends. It was a treat for her.

freebie vouchers are different. Gift vouchers are cash equivalent

Never use a voucher to pay for a group meal is excellent advice - it's not the first thread on here where either someone has been stiffed like the OP; or someone has taken offence because the voucher wasn't shared.