To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

I think fair to let it slide this time. For future, you could just say in a friendly tone "Oh, no, this plus the £10 is to cover my share!" And that's also fine.
Fwiw, September to now is not much time. Do you have other social options for meeting people, maybe a running/knitting/other hobby group? I'm sure school mum friends are lovely when it works but I can see how it gets cliquey.

They took advantage of you, and you let them because you want to be friends and get invited again. So you were as bad as eachother.

OP this thread is very outing - I'd asked for it to be deleted if I was you (assuming you want to stay friends with these women). Would be very easily identifiable .

I hate people being grabby so I probably would choose to stand on my own at school rather than be friends with people who were taking advantage of me.

Yeah they might be CFs they might be lovely hopefully you'll get another opportunity to find out.
I wouldnt have tried to use a voucher at a group meal but think you've got that now.

I'd maybe lower my expectations too of "school mum" friends.

You sound vulnerable op. Just becuase your mum made lifelong friends doesn't mean that you should/ will.

I think they should have asked you if you wanted it to be split or not

You sound vulnerable op. Just becuase your mum made lifelong friends doesn't mean that you should/ will.

Or you may but it could take time, my two best friends of 17/18 years became my friends when my DC were near the end of primary school even though I met them at the toddler group.

It's tricky as in my opinion that was a voucher you earned so it was your money. But maybe they thought it was just another discount from working there.
Like others have said I would let it slide and see how it goes just because you're so eager to have mum friends. I've learnt we aren't all perfect so we should accept some shortcomings if they aren't massive

I think they were a little cheeky but you did the right thing by going along with it. You might need to branch out and explore other friendship possibilities though. Isn’t there a yoga group, art class or something to join so you don’t have to rely completely on school mum friends?

Not friends.

I’d raise an eyebrow if I was out in a group and someone waited until the end and whipped out a voucher to cover just their part of the bill. Looks a bit overly concerned with money- whereas share it with everyone and it clearly gives a much better impression. I think if I’d not wanted to share it I’d have left it at home to use another time

I agree with this. I think if someone is going to produce a voucher then they should be willing to share it. Otherwise just pay and use the voucher another time.

so we did go a bit wild with cocktails

Also this, to order numerous cocktails knowing you had a voucher in your pocket to cover yours seems a bit off. It sets you apart from the group that you want to be a part of. And lets face it, the 33% discount benefitted you as much as it did them. It wasn't altruistic on your part.

^^ I agree. It's a bit odd to pay with a Boucher for a group meal.

I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with someone who insisted I use my voucher this way.

Mind you, I wouldn't have piped up about it in the first place.

Op, I don't think you oh should put so much stock into friendships with these women. I think you should try and broaden your horizons beyond mothers at school.

I agree with this. Why not share the discount?

OP, I was with ex work colleague and one of them used this voucher and gave me 2 more of them (he’s a shareholder), we didn’t go to Browns though.

The one thing I’d say is it’s nice you went out and potentially made new friends but don’t be desperate about it.

Jaguarary

Glad you had a good evening and enjoyed their company.

Just to say you mentioned where you went for the evening - so this is not an outing post, perhaps ask Mumsnet if the location could be removed to maintain your privacy.

Aperil

I’d find it really cheeky and grabby of them. Personally I wouldn’t want to go out with them again and if you do, don’t offer any staff discounts!

I would try and organise playdates for your child with friends in her class and meet other mothers and invite them to do stuff that way

It does sound like potentially they used you for your discount. Though it could just be thoughtlessness. I would be cautious about the friendships going forwards - watch and see how they treat you before giving too much of yourself.

Why do people think vouchers are different from cash? What makes them up for grabs to everyone else?

How greedy to lay claim to your voucher after they'd already had a discount!

Not the point of your post but if you only moved to a new area in September it's way soon to expect to have made good new friends

You may need to try lots of different things - don't just rely on the playground but join in things if you can - a running club or whatever interests you - and certainly you will "go through" quite a few people before you find your friends

Friends tend to bind / bond with time and shared experiences

I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on these being your new best friends…? You rang your mum because they invited you? It’s not the playground… and often the worst thing about mum cliques is the desperate need to belong. Just take your child to school and natural friendships will develop over time. Tbh most of my closest friends were well established before my kids went to school.