To not rock the incorrect maths of new friends regarding the bill Spilt?

[Nicenicenight]

I moved to a new area in September and my little DD started reception the first week of octopus thus missing out on all the on-boarding.

She's settled well but I've struggled to make friends sadly. My hopes were high, my mom's closest friends were made in the playground 25 years ago and they all have a great relationship one on one and in groups, holidays nights out, supportive through hard times etc etc. I think my expectations were high, but I've stood mostly alone twice a day in the playground since October despite being really friendly. I've been quite sad, perhaps it all would have been easier if we'd managed to move before the school year had started 🥲.

I decided last week to try and help out on the PTA both for the benefit of the school and maybe it would help me socially.

There's one group of moms (they have older DC at the school so have bonded well over the years) that always stand together in the playground and they're all massive big contributors in the PTA, so I bravely went and sat near them at the meeting last Thursday and tried small talking to them and I felt Okayish, making some progress.

During the meeting I offered a voucher for a free meal at a Nice Restaurant in the centre of the city to be used as a raffle prize. I had the voucher as I work for a different restaurant within the same company, and my manager kindly gave it to me for the school. We got chatting at the meeting about my work etc and I left the meeting feeling good.

The next morning got even better, one of the 5 moms came up to me and asked if I'd like to join them at the said restaurant on the Saturday night (the following day) as they'd got a table booked for 5 for a festive meal, and thought I'd like to join them. I felt so welcomed and joyous by this and immediately said yes and went straight into the city to buy a nice outfit ad these women are always so well groomed, I didn't want to let the side down on this important first night with the girls. I was thrilled. And my mom was really pleased too when I phoned her to tell her about it all.

The night was lovely, obviously they all know each other and I'm the newbie, so the dynamic was slightly strange because they're so close but I felt welcomed and it's early stages, I feel this could be the start of something great. 💞

We left the restaurant with them all promising to make a date for another get together soon.

Gosh that's long, but here's my AIBU I guess.

I get a 33% staff discount (I know,I know it's fabulous) so we did go a bit wild with cocktails 😂🍸, but my discount got the bill for 6 down from £500ish to £330ish so £55ish each I thought.

But I said I'd got a £50 M&B voucher (most 5 star reviews in a month 😇) from work, so just got £10 cash out my wallet to cover the remaining.

But one of my new friends saw the voucher and said we should take that off the £360 and then split the £310 6 ways so pay £52 each and I kinda didn't want to rock the boat when they'd been do welcoming and kind to me, so I went along with it and I put another £45 in to cover the rest.

We ll them decided on £5each as a top for the staff, all good.

I'm sure as is an infancy friendship, it was the correct tactic to go along with being amenable with the group thought but I do feel I pay a bit extra that I should have.

YANBU, best to roll with the majority to avoid awkwardness

YABU should have said something really. 😬

I agree with the PP that it's unusual for an established group to welcome newbies in this way. You sound like an excited puppy who's delighted with any crumbs they drop your way. I think you should slow things down and not look to school mums in this way you may make friends there, but it'll be slower than this.

You definitely did the right thing. It's great that you got them a discount and by rights the voucher should have been to cover your share and unrelated to any discount, but as you're looking to foster friendships and not win a game of right and wrong, you played it well. And I agree that using a voucher for just you could feel socially awkward. Not for any reason I can put my finger on, but it does.

I hope you'll become good friends with them. Don't be too disappointed if you don't though, you are not your mum and you might find your own tribe somewhere other than the school gates.

I agree with this. So many ways to make friends OP and it sounds like you want it so much you're at risk of being used/taken advantage of. You're putting yourself under a lot of pressure. This might be how your Mam made friends but maybe yours are somewhere else..

It was very kind of you to share your staff discount.

Tbh I think it was a mistake to try to use that voucher at all. Better to hang on to it and use it for a family meal separately, so that everyone in the mums group was on equal terms.

However given that you produced it and at least some of the mums assumed that it was a freebie that everyone should share, you were right to keep your mouth shut and not fight it.

There's another recent thread where someone was going to the cinema and their friend had a voucher for a free ticket. They thought that it would be natural to share the voucher and both pay half, but the friend expected to use the voucher for themselves and for thr other person (the OP of that thread) to pay in full. There were advocates for both sides on the thread, it's not clear cut and made me conclude it's best not to reveal the existence of vouchers that aren't fot sharing.

I think they took the piss a bit but it's not the end of the world.

However (and I mean this kindly OP) please watch you don't come across as too overkeen to be friends as it can be a bit off putting and if they turn out to be not as nice as you thought, they may end up taking a lot of liberties with your kindness.

Can you also join a few hobby groups, so your friendship opportunities are not just tied to the school and your child?

Sorry but I think if you are going out in a group and one of you has a voucher then the discount should come from the whole bill.

Agree though that you may need to be a bit wary of this group and any future CF-ery.

You did the right thing.

It takes a long time to build school friendships. If you’re expecting an instant social life from school parents then don’t. They are friendships that happen naturally over a few years, not instantly.

Well I am totally lost as to how anyone can think that a £50 voucher which is yours should then be split between you all. What if that voucher was a present on a gift card??? They were all CFs, not least when you've allowed such a big discount.

Added to which, you earned that voucher - it's your bonus for hard work. It's not like you'd cut it out the newspaper (although even if you had it would still be yours).

No place I've ever worked allowed discounts to be used for friends & family.

Personally I think it sounds like they invited you to their already-booked meal to use your discount.

I would stick to getting to know the parents of your child’s friends. Set up some playdates, or you’ll meet the class parents soon enough when the birthday party invites start rolling in.

You will end up knowing the parents of your child’s friends/classmates for the next 13 years or so. Whereas these women sound a bit random.

I'd be careful of them. The discount you get is fine, they should be pleased with that but then grabbing at your personal work achievement reward (especially for a few quid) is pathetic. That's like going out with friends for drinks and your friends expecting you to pay more just because you've had a small Christmas bonus and they haven't.

Gawd I hope you’ve changed the restaurant and the discount cos there’s another five of them who might be reading this🫣

So - as a result of your attendance they got to pay nearly thirty quid per head less than they would have done had you not been there. They did well there. They’d invited you after they heard where you work. Hmmmm. Then they demanded you pay their bill down further with a gift. Okaaaay

See if you’d whipped out £50 you’d got for your birthday from your Nan, would they have said ‘take £50 off the top! Nicey got free cash!’? I doubt it, and don’t see why a voucher received as a gift is different. I would offer to split a voucher for a place I would only go if I had a friend there (spa or whatever) or would always split a Clubcard voucher with close friends to offset their cost a bit if I proposed the venue - but I wouldn’t expect someone to split a gift they could readily use on another occasion, and when the outing hadn’t been planned with their input.

Especially not someone I didn’t really know who had already swung me the equivalent of three free cocktails or a reasonably decent bottle of wine out of the goodness of their heart.

I was pondering whether you’d actually been used until I read the update but tbh that’s a pisstake. I get why you did it and I might have stayed quiet and done the same myself but I wouldn’t do it to someone and I wouldn’t let those women use the discount again.

See if you’re still welcome when they’ve got nothing to gain. Which is not to say you’re not lovely and worth befriending but it just doesn’t reflect well on them as a group.

I think using the staff discount is fine but I wouldn't use a voucher in a group setting.

I see a voucher / gift card as cash equivalents. The voucher was a work bonus. The person that suggested sharing it was cheeky.

Teaco clubcard vouchers or discounts are different and I’d share those.

@Nicenicenight

Hmm, I think that’s really cheeky of them.

I’m afraid I avoid school mum’s now - it never goes well. I don’t make the effort.

I can do the surface smile, occasional PTA help, I tend to do a class party so we get invites back.

But if anyone wants to be pals, they can come to me.

And I drop off/pick up at latest time to avoid the playground.

They're very likely (I hope I'm wrong) using you for your discount. Keep you wits about you.

Your**

I agree with @Christmaseason: OP didn't get a good deal at all. She shared a meal that would have cost under £85 a head (£500 split six ways), and spent £100 (£50 voucher, £45 cash plus £5 tip). That's a crap deal.

Personally I think freebie discount vouchers and offer codes given out by restaurants as incentives to encourage bookings are fair game for splitting - they're really just a marketing thing, and everyone should benefit especially if you've been persuaded to go to a particular restaurant on the basis of the offer. But with a voucher like the OP's which has a cash value is effectively equivalent to a monetary bonus from her work and I wouldn't expect her to split it.

I'd be wary of these women. Friendly, and open to a continuing friendship, but a little bit watchful. Maybe suggest meeting up again in a few weeks - somewhere unrelated to your work. It doesn't have to be as fancy as a meal out - that seems a bit intense for a new friendship, to be honest. Just grabbing a coffee one day in January or going for a quick drink after a PTA meeting, maybe. Their response may reveal where this friendship is going.

This seems to be going too far the wrong way. It's sad that you've dismissed "school mums" as a category and actively avoid seeing them. How would they come to you if you're not even in the playground to be engaged in conversation?

Presumably you've had a bad experience or two in the past, but you can't reasonably think the parents of 30-odd other children who happen to be in the same class as yours are all somehow one amorphous clique you can't get along with?

Next time just say I'm paying for some of mine with a voucher and have the rest of the cash ready.

Next time just say I'm paying for some of mine with a voucher and have the rest of the cash ready.

Assuming everyone was a bit drunk! I wouldn’t overthink it.

£500*2/3 = £335 or £56 each. If you take off £50 and ÷6 that should have been £47.50, not £52. Presumbly you missed the tip somewhere, so that's confused your calculations.

I think it's a funny way to use a voucher that's open to interpretation, so it's hard to challenge at the time. It should have been yours to use as cash and it was a bit cheeky of them assuming they could use it so watch out for that.

Agree with the PP about making friends in your DD's class. If she hasn't made friends yet, suggest on the class whatsapp a meet-up for end of term e.g. local soft play or even just the playground. You'll find other mums also keen to bond.

@CasperGutman

My son is really quiet, reserved and has an EHCP.

The subtle ‘othering’ that goes on is terrible. Or sometimes it’s overt : is he deaf? I’ve overheard.

I feel I just want to protect him from the huge cloud of shit that often gets wafted my way.
And hearing OP’s difficulties - I can identify exactly which Mum’s in my playground would behave that way - and it’s the popular gaggle.

Yes I have made a few good friends, but they are on the periphery. And we were drawn to each other for being on the periphery,

Friendship groups are highly overrated...