Upset husband

[Questionmarkone]

Hi all, I want some unbiased advice as I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I have name changed for this post. My husband works a manual job and gets up at 5am. Got in at 7pm today and has a long commute to/from work. I am SAHM to three children. I do all the housework/child responsibilities etc and he helps with cooking/cleaning when home at weekends. Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping. I had my child’s Christmas Nativity at 2pm -3pm and my older daughter’s school parents evening which first appointment at 3.40pm. I got home from Nativity at 3.30pm, put some chicken in the oven and rushed out to parents evening. I got home at 5.10pm and spoke on phone with husband. He was upset I had not made dinner, said I should be thinking about him as he does not get to eat well in day duty to work. I was planning to have a chicken supper with children, chicken, salad, pitta bread but husband does not think this is dinner. He was very upset about dinner and made a big deal out of it and sent a long text berating me. I offered to put some potatoes on for him but he said no and has come in with fish and chips and said it’s my fault he is eating badly. Am I in the wrong? He also questioned what I have been doing all day and said making dinner should be my priority

I appreciate he has what sounds like a very physical job, but he is being an arse. What you’d made for dinner sounded fine, him getting chips was fine. I’m single now, but after a day like that my ex would have said ‘we’ve all had a long day, let’s all have chips/pizza for dinner’. If he was single, what would he have done? Who would he blame for having a chippy tea?

It sounds like your DH is having a tantrum because he doesn't like his din dins. Is he normally such a ridiculous man baby? He is completely out of line, and the dinner you made is better than the alternative he brought home. You deserve better than this treatment, it sounds like he doesn't respect or appreciate you.

I appreciate your perspectives - I feel that I did make dinner, just not what he wanted.

I think this just sounds like one of those things that it isn’t really you or the dinner, he’s just had a 14 hour day and tbf is probably exhausted. That’s not to say you aren’t exhausted too and have had a busy day yourself. I think we can all think our day is the worst etc and the other person has had it easier.

I would try not to argue over this, obviously let him know he’s hurt your feelings though.

nothing wrong with fish and chips. If he doesn’t like what you cook he can do his own, which is what he did. None of his choices are your fault

It’s just a misunderstanding, don’t think anyone was being unreasonable. You had a manic day and a quickie supper was a perfectly logical choice. Husband has no concept of how jam packed your day was and possibly grumpily pictures you kicking back with a cuppa and Netflix while he works his guts out. He probably had low blood sugar and is fine after his carb fest! I’d be boring my DH rigid with an exact account of my day personally and maybe you could both communicate a bit more. You’re both doing valuable and important jobs, maybe he needs to hear how important what he is doing for his family is once in a while. Toss the man a bone! You’ve both chosen this way to bring up your kids together, maybe if you show a bit of gratitude and appreciation for his input you’ll get it back again -as you absolutely should.

He is being a dick. Ready
meals from now on. And no laundry.

You made a dinner that he didn’t want - he can’t be cross about that, he can make another. But he did sort out an alternative for himself, you can’t be cross about that. My loveliest friends in the whole entire world have a situation where the dad runs his own landscaping company so he is outside almost all of the time… they have two girls… he sorts out his own meals because his hours are a bit mad. He batch cooks on a Sunday and any meals with them are a bonus! It sounds like he needs loads of carbs and that’s fine too, but you need to chat on a Sunday night about how meal planning works for the week.

Depends how old your kids are really? If you are STAHM with all kids in school/nursery then yes I'd be a bit annoyed if I worked 5am until 7pm as the main earner and didn't have some kind of proper dinner at the end of the day. Manual jobs are hard especially in winter and he's working long hours. I wouldn't want a picky dinner either

The second the words what have you been doing all day left his mouth would mean I wouldn't do it until an apology came.

This sounds like a classic walk a mile in each others shoes thing. Ask him to do a list of the day he's had, you do the same and then swap. Then have a chat.

If this is a rare thing that is. If he's an arse in general then a come to Jesus conversation is in order.

He's welcome to get a chippy if he doesn't want what's on offer. He may not berate you or blame you for his poor diet. You are not his mummy and he isn't five. He can fuck off.

To be fair, it reads like the husband was cross about having an alternative not the op. Which is quite cheeky considering he only got for himself then also blamed the op for the carby dinner he was having. Never mind the cheek of asking what she did all day and not even bringing anyone else anything back. It just sounds like the husband expects a full on dinner every night regardless of either of their situations during the day.

The other thing is that we didn’t speak until 5.10pm so that was the first time I even knew what time he would be home. It’s difficult to determine as it depends on how the jobs go. Sometimes he is home at 6pm and other times 7pm. I mentioned that it’s difficult to plan a dinner without knowing what time he will be home but that went down like a lead balloon. I do appreciate how hard he works and we have a great lifestyle. Just feel like my work is not acknowledged

If you have a child at home then YANBU. If you have a chunk of time with all kids in school/childcare then yeah I'd say you should be doing dinner. But the fact is you did do dinner he just didn't want that dinner, he'd had a long day and was hungry so some understanding of that is needed but sounds like he's lacking understanding of how his day affected his behaviour too.

He's being childish and grumpy, but he does work long hard days and if the agreement between you is that you cook dinner on weekdays, he could ask you politely (and in advance) to cook the kinds of thing he likes and finds substantial enough. Chicken salad with pitta sounds great to me but maybe not filling enough for him? If you'd known he wanted it, you could have put a potato to bake in the oven for him and got him some cake or rice pudding for desert, for example. Or made a casserole yesterday, it you didn't have much time to cook today.
Maybe the two of you could have a truce and start over.

I would have had a dinner ready if my husband was out for 5 am until 7 pm - a proper spud dinner but I can see with parents eve etc that would have been a busy evening

but I am kind of on his side here

That went down like a lead balloon? Are you supposed to sense him coming...or does this supposed adult actually believe you should be waiting, poised, just to serve him a meal?
He's not very realistic is he?

I do agree and I normally have dinner every night, however he does not like jacket potatoes and I could not cook the other spud’s when out. I also offered to put on some spuds that he could have had the chicken, spuds, and veg if he wanted ready for 7pm. The chicken would have been ready at 5.30pmnso kept warm but not fresh out of oven.

All my children are at school in the day.

Well he’s a special kind of twat isn’t he?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable - it sounds like both kids are at school so between the hours of 9ish and 2pm given the nativity (so 5 hours) you could have dropped one of the activities you had decided to do (pick up Xmas tree tomorrow, do online shopping in the evening etc) or cooked something more substantial yesterday to be heated up today. Those are gruelling hours in a manual job and I’d be pretty annoyed with a salady tea and then having to go out again (probably knackered) to get something more substantial. I do understand it will be by mutual agreement that you are home all week but I think you have to hold up your side of the bargain and provide a proper dinner, however you organise yourself to do that.

And if he was a single man, what would he do? Be out 5am - 7pm and cook himself a full spud-like dinner? It sounds like the op provides most of the time, but she is not his personal chef nor his timekeeper. He should appreciate that once in a while he either has to make do with what’s offered or find his own (without the foot stomping). And this isn’t a LTB post, but once in a while men like him who have become far too accustomed to a traditional set up should wonder how they’d manage if it all stopped one day. It sounds like the op appreciates from her side, considering the difficulties that comes with a husband who’s out most of the day.

I don’t want to argue with him either and I do know he works extremely hard and in a manual capacity. I could have anticipated my busy day earlier in the week and sorted a different dinner like chilli or spaghetti bolognaise

"Chicken salad with pitta sounds great to me but maybe not filling enough for him?"

Men don't require special man food you know. They can eat the same as the ladies...yes it's really true.
If he's hungry he can have two...or even three. Or more! There are no rules.

I have three children. I appreciate your perspective and as stated above I could have been more organised. The tree had to be collected today and as the children are off school soon the Christmas shopping (gifts) need to be purchased asap, hence me having these jobs at the top of my list today.