Upset husband

[Questionmarkone]

Hi all, I want some unbiased advice as I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I have name changed for this post. My husband works a manual job and gets up at 5am. Got in at 7pm today and has a long commute to/from work. I am SAHM to three children. I do all the housework/child responsibilities etc and he helps with cooking/cleaning when home at weekends. Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping. I had my child’s Christmas Nativity at 2pm -3pm and my older daughter’s school parents evening which first appointment at 3.40pm. I got home from Nativity at 3.30pm, put some chicken in the oven and rushed out to parents evening. I got home at 5.10pm and spoke on phone with husband. He was upset I had not made dinner, said I should be thinking about him as he does not get to eat well in day duty to work. I was planning to have a chicken supper with children, chicken, salad, pitta bread but husband does not think this is dinner. He was very upset about dinner and made a big deal out of it and sent a long text berating me. I offered to put some potatoes on for him but he said no and has come in with fish and chips and said it’s my fault he is eating badly. Am I in the wrong? He also questioned what I have been doing all day and said making dinner should be my priority

He got chips then stropped about having made ‘bad choices’, when he could have realised that he wasn’t the only one who’d had a long day and thought about how everyone would have liked some chips and just forget about cooking for one night. She did make tea is the point. Nothing a grown man couldn’t have eaten and made himself toast or a bowl of cereal later if still hungry.

What’s the point in even responding if you think the OP has lied about what happened?

Sorry she didn’t have a fucking long day at all 😂 it’s a less than average busy day unless she’s pissing about and taking ten hours doing it. I think it’s fine for someone doing a manual labour job for 14 hours to not be impressed with what is essentially a sandwich for tea when the OP is lucky enough to consider her day busy.

I’m just going to be putting the children to bed - will check in later. I originally felt that the chicken and pitta was adequate like lots of you, however can now see the other side of the coin and take onboard the slow cooker/freezer being stacked up.

He's a twat! Doesn't matter who works when and where, you don't owe him dinner, he doesn't owe you dinner. You both agree, on an equal level, who will do dinner when, and you can discuss preferences of dishes but also accept that preference might not make the dinner. Then be fucking grateful when someone made you food with love, always. End of. It's not the 1950s ffs.

I’m not saying she lied, I’m saying there is 3 sides to every story so I wouldn’t just blindly believe an MN post as the whole truth.

And whilst I don’t agree personally with this sort of setup (because it inevitably leads to horribly conservative expectations), generally it seems the op does fulfill her side of the ‘bargain’. What is worrying is that on one day where the dinner isn’t up to full expectation (because goodness forbid the op just isn’t up to it one day) she gets this sort of response.

@Questionmarkone the more important thing is how is he generally? What happens in times you might be unwell, or the kids poorly and you have (to some on MN) a more solid reason not to make the dinners he’s expecting?

I have pitta for dinner all the time. Pitta, salad and chicken is a good varied meal. Protein, carbs and veg. I'm sure he could grate some cheese or something and add some dairy. The amount of women on this thread that believe it is their duty to provide dinner for their ADULT partners is truly shocking to me.

Dangerous to do the “its not the 1950s” and “you don’t owe each other anything” when OP is a SAHM & her husband is working and paying for everything. So to be clear, you mean it’s not the 1950’s in only the way that suits your argument?

If he’s allowed to berate her for what he deems an inadequate meal, is she allowed to berate him if she deems his salary inadequate?

My days are a lot easier now the children are all in school all day. I do all the office work and am currently studying to go back to work. I’m not exactly completely idle. However running the house and rearing the children takes most of my time. As for the 1950’s comments - if roles were reversed and I was working the long hours my husband would be doing the household stuff. I’m not stuck at home - it just makes sense with our lives and income generating abilities

You definitely made dinner, and a decent sounding one at that! My DH has a physical job, I do all cooking and cleaning too, and he gets what he's given and never complained. Even if I CBA and it's just eggs on toast, if he's hungry after he'll do himself something else. Honestly I would get the ick bad if he berated me for not doing a proper dinner and would read the riot act.

And you’re a grown man working a physical job for 14 hours a day, yes?

In general I don’t think it’s my duty to provide dinner for my husband, we both work full time, we both have equal time after work, we take turns sorting dinner. But if my husband was working 14 hour days paying for absolutely every single thing our family needs, while I was at home all day despite all of my children being at school, AND he didn’t get home until 7pm, yeah honestly I’d think the least I could do is make him some bloody dinner.

I wouldn't call chicken, salad, and pitta bread a proper dinner for someone who has been out for 14 hours doing a manual job. I suspect his day may well have been a bit more tiring than yours, and if you are normally the one who cooks the evening meal, I can understand why he's pissed off.

If he’s not impressed he can sort his own dinner, which he did. It’s less about the dinner and more how he spoke to the op. If he continues behaving like this over a once in a while ‘lesser’ dinner, it will build resentment. And that will eventually lead to him working long hours and sorting his own dinner permanently. He can expect a ‘full man dinner’ every single night without fail, but shit happens. As I said, her husband isn’t her job, she’s not working to appraisal and expected standards.

Ridiculous. I get up at 5.30am, often not home until 7-8pm and if it's my turn to cook dinner I do that as well. Maybe I should get a wife so I can sit on my arse and whinge about what she has kindly cooked!

I had that horrible flu recently and he was fantastic. Cooked, cleaned, dealt with children. He is not helpless, quite self sufficient and currently bathing our youngest who I will put to bed. He is old fashioned when it comes to dinner - that I will admit. He also cooks very elaborate meals when home but if I’m honest I prefer chicken, salad and pitta 😂

Large open wholemeal pitta piled up with chopped tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce and red onion topped with strips of roast chicken and drizzle
of garlic & chilli sauce. This is good of the gods in our house & feeds 3 very hungry boys + DH who is a manual labourer doing long hours. If any of them told me to make a proper dinner they'd probably be wearing it!

The problem is his stinky attitude - he sees you as lording it up at home and therefore expects you to be at his beck & call. Wont let you cook Uncle Ben's FFS. Assuming he's not co deemed about the nutritional value this is him just saying - you don't do anything so at least don't take short cuts making my meal.

I'd be getting myself back to work sharpish OP and then let's see how he manages when he's got to share the load. And he could share the load, he's just choosing not to.

Arsehole.

I agree - op didn't have to go to the garden centre, get tree lights out of the attic or do some online shopping today, those jobs could have been done tomorrow when there weren't any school events on. Her husband had to go to work to earn the money.

99% he gets a home cooked meal and think the once he doesn't he can berate you.

Nobody would be berating me and getting fed.
Good to read you are returning to work.

Ok, so he’s not such an arse then. It sounds like you’ve found a solution that works for your set up in terms of batch/slow cooking. I would make it clear to him that you won’t be spoken to like that again though. Even if he was just tired and hungry, it was disrespectful - especially asking what you did all day. Everyone is entitled to a rare ‘less bothered’ day, around cooking/cleaning/laundry or whatever, without someone berating them for it.

She doesn't work and the kids are all in school so she's not even a sahm. Why shouldn't she be providing dinner?

i dont think there's anything wrong with chicken salad pittas for dinner! he works long hours in a manual job so he must have had a massive lunch anyway

Eww I wouldn't be having set with a sulky man child like that, sending whinging messages, not "allowing" you to ever use microwave rice etc absolutely not.

Get back to work, tout suite

Full time etc

Get a cleaner

Then he can learn some bloody manners