Page 6 | Upset husband

Questionmarkone · 2024-12-11T19:27:13+00:00

Hi all, I want some unbiased advice as I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I have name changed for this post. My husband works a manual job and gets up at 5am. Got in at 7pm today and has a long commute to/from work. I am SAHM to three children. I do all the housework/child responsibilities etc and he helps with cooking/cleaning when home at weekends. Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping. I had my child’s Christmas Nativity at 2pm -3pm and my older daughter’s school parents evening which first appointment at 3.40pm. I got home from Nativity at 3.30pm, put some chicken in the oven and rushed out to parents evening. I got home at 5.10pm and spoke on phone with husband. He was upset I had not made dinner, said I should be thinking about him as he does not get to eat well in day duty to work. I was planning to have a chicken supper with children, chicken, salad, pitta bread but husband does not think this is dinner. He was very upset about dinner and made a big deal out of it and sent a long text berating me. I offered to put some potatoes on for him but he said no and has come in with fish and chips and said it’s my fault he is eating badly. Am I in the wrong? He also questioned what I have been doing all day and said making dinner should be my priority

SkyBlue90 · 11/12/2024 21:51

I think it’s a busy day OP and the dinner sounds nice. Like a previous poster said, he could have added cheese to the meal. Eggs would also have padded up the meal if he was ravenous.

Imbusytodaysorry · 11/12/2024 21:53

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 19:53

The other thing is that we didn’t speak until 5.10pm so that was the first time I even knew what time he would be home. It’s difficult to determine as it depends on how the jobs go. Sometimes he is home at 6pm and other times 7pm. I mentioned that it’s difficult to plan a dinner without knowing what time he will be home but that went down like a lead balloon. I do appreciate how hard he works and we have a great lifestyle. Just feel like my work is not acknowledged

He is taking the piss. He’s being a dick and did respecting you .
His important job is just so much more than yours.

Make changes OP ignore his nonsense and let him crack on with his own dinners

Katemax82 · 11/12/2024 21:54

Sounds like the shit my husband says

Thepossibility · 11/12/2024 22:01

DogJog · 11/12/2024 21:43

I agree, husband was probably a bit of an arse but I don't agree with the posters asking what would he do for dinner if he was single? Well what would OP do about the Xmas tree if she worked full time? It's an agreement they have that works for them so you can't blame the man for being disappointed by his dinner planned if for him that's the main objective of wife not working when kids are at school. I mean online shopping can be done whilst a casserole is cooking etc! You've taken it on the chin OP, with great grace. Hope you have a lovely Christmas

My DH worked a manual trade job for years and would've been appreciative of the meal. He would've just enjoyed a larger dessert after a lighter meal. Pouting or like in this case actually being cross with not getting a particular meal served to him with is not on.

Lufannian · 11/12/2024 22:09

God it must be nice to be a SAHM of school aged children. I think I achieved what the OP did in a day between the hours of 6pm and 8pm tonight (and I made a lasagne).

Also, OP, your husbands reaction to the dinner wasn’t great but there is no nuance on here. He’ll be torn to shreds for this minor infraction and it’ll be all blown out of all proportion you’ll feel crap and disloyal and wish you hadn’t posted at all.

Alainlechat · 11/12/2024 22:09

I was out for a similar time for work today but not a manual job. I would not expect a home cooked meal every night from my husband who wasn't working so would get my own or have a snack if nothing was made.

In fact someone expecting a home cooked meal every night would give me the rage and I'd be likely to get a full time job to get out of it.

It's not as if you were sat on your arse all day.

another1bitestheduck · 11/12/2024 22:10

Collette78 · 11/12/2024 19:45

I think this just sounds like one of those things that it isn’t really you or the dinner, he’s just had a 14 hour day and tbf is probably exhausted. That’s not to say you aren’t exhausted too and have had a busy day yourself. I think we can all think our day is the worst etc and the other person has had it easier.

I would try not to argue over this, obviously let him know he’s hurt your feelings though.

Hate it when people make excuses like this.
Who would make his food if he wasn't with OP?
Who makes his single colleagues' food for them when they get home?
Who would make OP's food for her if they split up, or if she worked out of the home as well?
Same with him 'helping' with chores on the weekend. He still lives there, he's not "helping" like the DC do, it's his house, and at least partly his mess.

if one person works out of the house and one is a SAHP, their primary job is parent, not parent and housekeeper. Working outside the house doesn't magically mean you don't have to do anything else at all, or bare minimum.

OP, you DID make food, the reason you didn't cook anything more substantial was because you were at parents evening for your child, the meal you made was perfectly fine and even if he didn't want it, that doesn't mean you MADE him eat unhealthily - if he could go to buy fish and chips he could go and buy a salad or jacket potato or soup or whatever from the shop.

Original poster

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 22:10

Thank you all for your opinions. I think he was being a twat. I think he could have sucked a crappy dinner up for one night and the text was ridiculous. As there is always two sides to every argument, I could have if I had been inclined, made a more substantial dinner in the day or yesterday. Maybe just comes down to both of us needing to try to be more flexible.

OP posts:

Hyperquiet · 11/12/2024 22:12

YANBU agree a menu with him on advance and take into account how busy your days are so he can't complain

Original poster

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 22:13

another1bitestheduck · 11/12/2024 22:10

Hate it when people make excuses like this.
Who would make his food if he wasn't with OP?
Who makes his single colleagues' food for them when they get home?
Who would make OP's food for her if they split up, or if she worked out of the home as well?
Same with him 'helping' with chores on the weekend. He still lives there, he's not "helping" like the DC do, it's his house, and at least partly his mess.

if one person works out of the house and one is a SAHP, their primary job is parent, not parent and housekeeper. Working outside the house doesn't magically mean you don't have to do anything else at all, or bare minimum.

OP, you DID make food, the reason you didn't cook anything more substantial was because you were at parents evening for your child, the meal you made was perfectly fine and even if he didn't want it, that doesn't mean you MADE him eat unhealthily - if he could go to buy fish and chips he could go and buy a salad or jacket potato or soup or whatever from the shop.

Show quote history

You are right about him “helping” with house work. He is not helping out at weekends, but pulling his weight. He also does football training and all the other parenting tasks equally. Mainly just a bit of an arse about dinner.

OP posts:

DearHorse · 11/12/2024 22:16

He sounds like a man child. An appropriate response from him would have been: thank you for the food.

Collette78 · 11/12/2024 22:19

another1bitestheduck · 11/12/2024 22:10

Hate it when people make excuses like this.
Who would make his food if he wasn't with OP?
Who makes his single colleagues' food for them when they get home?
Who would make OP's food for her if they split up, or if she worked out of the home as well?
Same with him 'helping' with chores on the weekend. He still lives there, he's not "helping" like the DC do, it's his house, and at least partly his mess.

if one person works out of the house and one is a SAHP, their primary job is parent, not parent and housekeeper. Working outside the house doesn't magically mean you don't have to do anything else at all, or bare minimum.

OP, you DID make food, the reason you didn't cook anything more substantial was because you were at parents evening for your child, the meal you made was perfectly fine and even if he didn't want it, that doesn't mean you MADE him eat unhealthily - if he could go to buy fish and chips he could go and buy a salad or jacket potato or soup or whatever from the shop.

Show quote history

It’s not an excuse it’s a statement that they don’t understand or appreciate each others load. Was he ok to moan about dinner … not really. But after working a 14 day what I was saying is he’s probably tired and grumpy and not fully appreciating OP has had a full on day too. We can all be like that sometimes.

OP has said he pulls his weight with chores etc and DCs at weekends, so he is indeed parenting and doing a portion of chores too.

I singularly parent, housework and work full time… part of being a parent and an adult is you do have to do those things irrelevant of whether you are in a couple or on your own.

Christmaseason · 11/12/2024 22:20

He is being hangry, tell him to stock up on some micro chips and small rice pouches that he can heat up with any protein in the future.

Duckingella · 11/12/2024 22:27

The M in SAHM doesn't stand for Maid.

He's not your boss/keeper/father and you're not a bloody paid housekeeper who cooks food to order for a grown ass man who's a fussy eater.

Sending you messages to berate you for not doing as you're told is abuse.

RawBloomers · 11/12/2024 22:29

Presumably after all these years you know what he needs food wise and are confident a chicken salad and pita would normally fit that bill. So I agree with PP who said it sounds like he was just hangry after a long day and it's not really about you or the food.

The way he spoke to you seems unacceptable to me, but I also think a regular 14 hour day (you say often longer?) is unacceptable and the two of you perhaps need to work out a better life style that doesn't put that kind of burden on him and that doesn't include him taking out his frustrations on you.

PiastriThePastry · 11/12/2024 22:29

My husband does similar hours, also a manual job. If he had the fucking audacity to send a long message basically scolding me for not cooking a good enough tea, he would have it thrown at his head.
Well, of course, he wouldn’t in reality, but I’d be livid.
If he pointed out that it wasn’t really substantial enough and asked that, in future, we try and avoid that, whether by cooking something different or keeping a couple of frozen meals or something, whatever. I’d take that on board, but only if he spoke to me with respect and understanding that we can’t always be bloody perfect! As a one off, I’d expect him to just get on with it tbh.

MsCactus · 11/12/2024 22:30

My DH makes all my meals and works full time (as do I).

Honestly, if he gave up work so we were just reliant on me, kids were at school all day, and he didn't make me a substantial evening meal I'd probably be annoyed too.

So I don't think he's been wildly out of order - it's presumably what you've agreed that you do the lions share of housework as you're not working outside the home.

Thatcastlethere · 11/12/2024 22:31

He was being an absolute bellend to berate you. That is totally unacceptable. Yes you could have been more organised but you are a human being not a robot.. you've got 3 kids who are your priority not a grown man who can feed for himself. It's great if you do find the time to cook him a nice dinner but if you don't he should just sort it himself like a fucking adult.
What would he do if you weren't there? Just come home from work and sit and cry coz there was no nice lady to make his din dins?? It's crazy. I really hope you don't lose your anger about this because it's not acceptable. You cooking him dinner is a lively thing to do but it should be something he has such a level of expectation over that he feels justified in berating you if it doesn't happen. It's not 1940.
Honestly I was a SAHM for 8 years and I have just had my 3rd child and am on maternity leave. I only cook from scratch once or twice a week.. he mostly cooks when he comes home and he's a nurse!! So his job is full on. If he dared berate me about cooking I'd honestly just walk out..
And I would never in a million years berate him about cooking..
Who bloody treats their spouse like that? You are a partnership..
I think chicken in pitta sounds lovely. If my DH presented me with that or vice versa we'd both just be happy someone made the effort to prepare a meal. And if we were still hungry ciz it wasn't quite filling enough we'd just go and get ourselves more food without making a song and dance about it.
This whole thread has made me livid. I don't know why some people treat each other like this or think it's justified for anyone to be treated like this.

Buttercup198 · 11/12/2024 22:32

It's 50/50 here your home and don't work although yes you have children in school he works and probably wanted a better meal after work but either way your a partnership and a team that should be working together shit happens and everyone has bad days and things don't always go to plan

My dh works longer hours then I do so make sure he has everything he needs in the evening when he finally gets home at 6.40pm

StrikeForever · 11/12/2024 22:34

Collette78 · 11/12/2024 19:45

I think this just sounds like one of those things that it isn’t really you or the dinner, he’s just had a 14 hour day and tbf is probably exhausted. That’s not to say you aren’t exhausted too and have had a busy day yourself. I think we can all think our day is the worst etc and the other person has had it easier.

I would try not to argue over this, obviously let him know he’s hurt your feelings though.

I agree with this 👆 His working day sounds hideous. Maybe talk about it when you are both calm and rested.

youngoldthing · 11/12/2024 22:36

Inkyblue123 · 11/12/2024 19:48

He is being a dick. Ready
meals from now on. And no laundry.

Why?
that is so petty.

livelovelough24 · 11/12/2024 22:39

Guys, please stop saying that this man works 14 hours a day because he does not. OP said he woke up at 5am and got home at 7pm, so there were fourteen hours between him getting up and coming home, not working. He must have taken some time to get ready in the morning and transit to and from work.

abracadabra1980 · 11/12/2024 22:44

Time for you to have a weekend away and leave him with a list of things you usually do.
Entitled twat.
(Actually in the main, I blame helicopter mothers with sons for this)

fashionqueen0123 · 11/12/2024 22:47

magicalmrmistoffelees · 11/12/2024 20:05

What on earth is a ‘spud dinner’?
I am a stay at home parent (all school aged but one disabled on a reduced timetable), my husband works long hours. He happily eats whatever he’s given when he gets home… what’s wrong with chicken, salad and pitta as a meal?! If I gave my husband meat and veg every night I think he’d be quietly wondering when he was going to get some variety!

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Same. If mine dared to criticise my cooking well he knows where the kitchen is!

tolerable · 11/12/2024 22:47

fuck him.hes sorted his t all by himself.like a man.