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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset husband

218 replies

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 19:27

Hi all, I want some unbiased advice as I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I have name changed for this post. My husband works a manual job and gets up at 5am. Got in at 7pm today and has a long commute to/from work. I am SAHM to three children. I do all the housework/child responsibilities etc and he helps with cooking/cleaning when home at weekends. Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping. I had my child’s Christmas Nativity at 2pm -3pm and my older daughter’s school parents evening which first appointment at 3.40pm. I got home from Nativity at 3.30pm, put some chicken in the oven and rushed out to parents evening. I got home at 5.10pm and spoke on phone with husband. He was upset I had not made dinner, said I should be thinking about him as he does not get to eat well in day duty to work. I was planning to have a chicken supper with children, chicken, salad, pitta bread but husband does not think this is dinner. He was very upset about dinner and made a big deal out of it and sent a long text berating me. I offered to put some potatoes on for him but he said no and has come in with fish and chips and said it’s my fault he is eating badly. Am I in the wrong? He also questioned what I have been doing all day and said making dinner should be my priority

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 11/12/2024 21:04

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 20:07

This is good advice

Show quote history

No it isn’t, it’s horrendous, stepford wives, trad wife bullshit. He is clueless as to what you have done all day. You did make him a meal. He had a tantrum because he wanted something different. Berating you about it by text was verging on abusive- he literally told you off like an adult telling off a child. The power imbalance in the relationship is terrible and he has no respect for you or what you do.
But… it sounds like you’re ok with this? Are you very downtrodden by his constant criticism and expectations for you to be his housemaid? Or do you actually like to be subservient to ‘the man of the house’?

Elderflower14 · 11/12/2024 21:14

Tell him to f off to the far side of beyond and when he gets there to f off a bit further!!

livelovelough24 · 11/12/2024 21:14

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 20:19

its really interesting seeing all the responses and how polarising they are. I think that I will take from this that he was being a twat but that I need to make sure I have the freezer stocked for days like today. Keep us both happy

It does look polarizing OP, but I think that most people are in agreement, a hard working man coming home from work deserves a hearty meal for sure, however, this does not excuse his behaviour. If he was disappointing with dinner, he could have said it in a more respectable way. Also, no need to go buy take out. It would have taken an extra fifteen minutes to cook some potatoes, rice or pasta to add to the chicken.

Definitely sit down and talk to him. He has to understand how he hurt you and that he should never do it again.

PuddlesPityParty · 11/12/2024 21:15

LostTheMarble · 11/12/2024 20:43

If he’s not impressed he can sort his own dinner, which he did. It’s less about the dinner and more how he spoke to the op. If he continues behaving like this over a once in a while ‘lesser’ dinner, it will build resentment. And that will eventually lead to him working long hours and sorting his own dinner permanently. He can expect a ‘full man dinner’ every single night without fail, but shit happens. As I said, her husband isn’t her job, she’s not working to appraisal and expected standards.

Show quote history

Like I said, I’m taking OPs descriptions with a pinch of salt.

Crikeyalmighty · 11/12/2024 21:20

@lechatnoir totally agree- it's not even the food, it's the attitude, - my H might say if he thought dinner was a bit underwhelming - just going to do myself some cheese and crackers after etc - my first H would have been exactly like the OPs H -

livelovelough24 · 11/12/2024 21:21

FOJN · 11/12/2024 20:32

Posters opinions on whether chicken, salad and pita bread constitutes dinner are irrelevant, it's OP husbands attitude that's the problem.

If he's usually respectful then I imagine he will apologise but if this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour then it's unacceptable.

Yes, this!

Barney16 · 11/12/2024 21:23

The first time a bloke told me he expected his dinner on the table would be the last. It's not 1957. And you don't run a cafe. If he doesn't like what's available then he needs to sort himself out,which he did infact do, so all good. No need for a berating text. That's just narky and unpleasant.

Skippydoodle · 11/12/2024 21:24

LostTheMarble · 11/12/2024 20:00

And if he was a single man, what would he do? Be out 5am - 7pm and cook himself a full spud-like dinner? It sounds like the op provides most of the time, but she is not his personal chef nor his timekeeper. He should appreciate that once in a while he either has to make do with what’s offered or find his own (without the foot stomping). And this isn’t a LTB post, but once in a while men like him who have become far too accustomed to a traditional set up should wonder how they’d manage if it all stopped one day. It sounds like the op appreciates from her side, considering the difficulties that comes with a husband who’s out most of the day.

Show quote history

To be fair, he is bringing home the bacon. 14 hours is a bloody long day! As a SAHM, yes he should have a hearty meal waiting for him. Get a slow cooker, 15 mins prep time (max) 10 mins for veggies before he gets back, easy days.

Original poster
Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 21:25

Hi all, thanks for all the input - appreciate all the different responses.

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 11/12/2024 21:29

What a feckin man-baby! The chicken was there and cooked, all he had to do was put on whatever he fancied with it. Unless there was no food in the house, it’s just weaponised incompetence. Presumably he could have bunged a potato in the microwave, stuck some oven chips in the oven, done some rice (do you have a microwave rice cooker?), egg noodles take about 5 minutes in a pot and add a Blue Dragon sauce sachet, M&S do freezer bags of single serving rice & veg, Tesco frozen mash is good for emergencies. You have 3 kids and it’s a busy time of year and you never know what time he’s arriving home? You’re not his bloody servant! I’m a SAHM mum too btw but my DH would just crack on with whatever food is there. Even my DS17 (since he was 13/14) can pull together a meal with cooked chicken and whatever is in the fridge/freezer/cupboard. Even if there was no chicken cooked in fact.

Grrr on your behalf!

Createausername1970 · 11/12/2024 21:30

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 19:53

The other thing is that we didn’t speak until 5.10pm so that was the first time I even knew what time he would be home. It’s difficult to determine as it depends on how the jobs go. Sometimes he is home at 6pm and other times 7pm. I mentioned that it’s difficult to plan a dinner without knowing what time he will be home but that went down like a lead balloon. I do appreciate how hard he works and we have a great lifestyle. Just feel like my work is not acknowledged

I had the same problem of not knowing what time DH was going to be home. So in the end I decided what time I generally wanted to time dinner for, and I started saying "dinner will be on the table at 6.00" so I was telling him, not asking him. I took control and did it my way.

The onus was then on DH to tell me if he wasn't going to be back in time.

Drclll · 11/12/2024 21:30

Mrsttcno1 · 11/12/2024 20:38

Dangerous to do the “its not the 1950s” and “you don’t owe each other anything” when OP is a SAHM & her husband is working and paying for everything. So to be clear, you mean it’s not the 1950’s in only the way that suits your argument?

Show quote history

Their set up is their choice. Are you saying because she's a SAHM and he works and provides that it means their whole couple dynamic is stuck in the 50s? It shouldn't. She doesn't owe his grown ass dinner. She cooks dinner when she can, and if he fancies something else, he can sort it out. And seems like he did, with the fish and chips. Although he had to play the "poor me, I'm eating rubbish because of you" card 🙄 He could have, like other pp said, kindly say "Oh, I'm super hungry tonight, I fancy sth a bit more x,y,z. Do you mind making it or should I stop by a take away?". Like. A. Fucking. Grown. Up.

TakeMyBreadAway · 11/12/2024 21:31

I’d tell him to make his own effing tea from now on.

LostTheMarble · 11/12/2024 21:33

Skippydoodle · 11/12/2024 21:24

To be fair, he is bringing home the bacon. 14 hours is a bloody long day! As a SAHM, yes he should have a hearty meal waiting for him. Get a slow cooker, 15 mins prep time (max) 10 mins for veggies before he gets back, easy days.

Show quote history

You seem to be confusing what a SAHM means as a role. The op has agreed to do meals during the week but this is exactly how women and marriages that have a stay at home parent in the early years can run into resentment. Being a stay at home parent doesn’t mean being a tradwife that always has a huge hot meal waiting for the man of the house 5 or more days a week. If once in a blue moon it’s something more simple then that’s what it is. When the op returns to work, will chicken salad and pita be more acceptable for the same situation?

downhillpenguin · 11/12/2024 21:34

Yanbu in regards of food, but your day was not a very busy day. It sounds like an easy peasy day, describing some things that are done by working people every day. Yabu.

downhillpenguin · 11/12/2024 21:38

*Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping.^

Dear God, what are your ”not so busy” days like? 😂 You are actually describing a dog walk, going into the attic and online shopping as chores? 😫

Spirallingdownwards · 11/12/2024 21:42

I find all these "must have HIS tea on't table" posts mystifying/excruciating. She has had a busy early evening herself and provided a totally adequate meal for a grown ass adult who can get his own dinner if her offering isn't good enough!

neilyoungismyhero · 11/12/2024 21:43

Thepossibility · 11/12/2024 19:38

It sounds like your DH is having a tantrum because he doesn't like his din dins. Is he normally such a ridiculous man baby? He is completely out of line, and the dinner you made is better than the alternative he brought home. You deserve better than this treatment, it sounds like he doesn't respect or appreciate you.

Sorry I disagree about the dinner bit...chicken, salad and pitta bread really doesn't cut it for a grown man who gets up for work at 5am and gets home at 7pm. Perhaps a better joint communication would have been better...you explaining your busy busy day ahead and suggesting that he gets a take out for once for everyone 's benefit.

DogJog · 11/12/2024 21:43

I agree, husband was probably a bit of an arse but I don't agree with the posters asking what would he do for dinner if he was single? Well what would OP do about the Xmas tree if she worked full time? It's an agreement they have that works for them so you can't blame the man for being disappointed by his dinner planned if for him that's the main objective of wife not working when kids are at school. I mean online shopping can be done whilst a casserole is cooking etc! You've taken it on the chin OP, with great grace. Hope you have a lovely Christmas

Spirallingdownwards · 11/12/2024 21:44

downhillpenguin · 11/12/2024 21:38

*Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping.^

Dear God, what are your ”not so busy” days like? 😂 You are actually describing a dog walk, going into the attic and online shopping as chores? 😫

Plus she was busy early evening with the play and parents evening. Behave. He is presumably an adult capable kf fixing his own dinner if he didn't like what she had made.

sandyhappypeople · 11/12/2024 21:44

pictoosh · 11/12/2024 20:02

"Chicken salad with pitta sounds great to me but maybe not filling enough for him?"

Men don't require special man food you know. They can eat the same as the ladies...yes it's really true.
If he's hungry he can have two...or even three. Or more! There are no rules.

Show quote history

Men don't require special man food you know. They can eat the same as the ladies...yes it's really true.

haha! obviously you haven't got one of this particular type!

My DH needs "man food" everyday, as in a proper hot meal of some kind.. what OP made was basically a chicken salad sandwich.. that would have been big-sad-face time in our household too!

I think it's weird myself, food is food, it wouldn't matter to me if it was a cheese toastie or a roast dinner, and this is the only thing my DH is weird about in fairness, so I accept it even though I roll my eyes occasionally, he also does a tiring manual job, so maybe there's something in that. Fortunately he does most of this type of cooking as he is the one there at these meal times, so he never bothers me with his weird rules! If I cook though I will always cook something I know he will want to eat.

I think on a day like this OP where you have been busy and out of the house, he is being unreasonable, he's taking it for granted that you are in the house all day getting his tea ready, so he has no reason to berate you over it!!

BellissimoGecko · 11/12/2024 21:45

Why can't he eat healthily in the day? Can't he take a packed lunch?

Pipconkermash · 11/12/2024 21:45

He’s a misogynistic bully.

He doesn’t see you as his equal, he does not appreciate what you do for the family, he thinks you’re there to serve him.

Let that sink in. It’s vile.

dothehokeycokey · 11/12/2024 21:46

It's one night he has to sort himself food

Sorry but I think he's being a dick op

You have three kids and a house to sort. On any normal day the after school time will be manic but on a day where you've got two kids doing two different things outside of school will throw everything in the air

Tell him the priority is being there for the kids and parenting the children,not feeding an adult especially when it's only one night

If my dh had thrown his toys out of the pram when I was running round after the kids id have thrown his dinner at him.

Tell
Him to get a fucking grip

ABH100 · 11/12/2024 21:48

The other day I had a rubbish day, all been sick with a really bad dose, it was husband's first day back at work. It wasn't a busy day with stuff just young kids who were needy and unwell and a stressed mother.

I had started to make a beef pie - made the filling. But all got overwhelmed with kids and hadn't got out any further. Husband came home after 3 hour round trip, manual work in cold, followed by a meeting. By time he was back after 7 I was putting baby to sleep. He put older child to sleep, made some pasta for us both, took baby who wouldn't go off so I could eat mine after he finished his - working a manual job doesn't mean there has to be expectation that you have to do dinner 100% of the time (even if you did do a dinner of sorts). There has to be an allowance for when things don't always go right and you're a team that support each other during these times. Yes a freezer stash is ideal but I forget that I have stuff in there most of the time 🤣. I don't think YABU.