Upset husband

[Questionmarkone]

Hi all, I want some unbiased advice as I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I have name changed for this post. My husband works a manual job and gets up at 5am. Got in at 7pm today and has a long commute to/from work. I am SAHM to three children. I do all the housework/child responsibilities etc and he helps with cooking/cleaning when home at weekends. Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping. I had my child’s Christmas Nativity at 2pm -3pm and my older daughter’s school parents evening which first appointment at 3.40pm. I got home from Nativity at 3.30pm, put some chicken in the oven and rushed out to parents evening. I got home at 5.10pm and spoke on phone with husband. He was upset I had not made dinner, said I should be thinking about him as he does not get to eat well in day duty to work. I was planning to have a chicken supper with children, chicken, salad, pitta bread but husband does not think this is dinner. He was very upset about dinner and made a big deal out of it and sent a long text berating me. I offered to put some potatoes on for him but he said no and has come in with fish and chips and said it’s my fault he is eating badly. Am I in the wrong? He also questioned what I have been doing all day and said making dinner should be my priority

I would push back on this. If he wants something specific he can make it himself. If not then he accepts what's made for him.

I do all cooking in our house in the week. Occasionally dh will not fancy what I've made (eg if he had similar at dinner) He will make himself something different and pop his tea in freezer for another day.

I think you are doing a brilliant job. Does your husband manage to eat during the day? It is important for him to keep topping up his energy levels with decent food rather than get home angry and ravenous. The long berating text makes me glad I don't do mobile. Best wishes for Christmas.

Berating you and asking what you had been doing all day as if you were being idle wouldn’t be acceptable to me either, especially if that’s a normal reaction from him.

Chicken, salad and bread is a nutritious meal as is Chicken, salad and potatoes.

You both work hard in a long day. and it sounds as if you value each others contribution on a day to day basis.
I think the problem arose because he looks forward to (and has become used to) a lovely hot meal when he gets home from his long, hard-labour day especially if it’s winter time. He couldn’t contain his disappointment and took it out on you. Maybe he’d picked up a chicken salad sandwich during the day so was doubly disappointed.
YANBU to feel a bit put out by his reaction.
I hope you can talk about it and I hope he apologises.

This is why I could never be a SAHM, if my husband started talking to me like he was my boss, it would kill my love for him in a heartbeat. The way he spoke to you was completely unreasonable and I'd expect an apology and then an adult conversation as equals.

Have you got a slow cooker these are great for busy days meat veg potatoes lovely stew for when you get home x

Yes, exactly.

Maybe he could take the kids over the weekend and give you time to batch cook some meals for the freezer?

Why can't he batch cook for the freezer?

He could. But then when would he see the kids?

Plenty of people are capable of cooking and being with school aged children. Presumably his DW has managed it just fine all these years.

@TSMWEL totally agree- my ex H was a miner and might have said , could you do me some chips on top but he certainly wouldn't have sent me snotty messages, - he might have said 'you know what, I fancy the chippy'- certainly wouldn't have made a big deal of it- can only think some of these women are utter doormats /trainee stepford wives.

And all the women being told to slow cooker stews every day - I myself wouldn't want that most days so would end up cooking2 meals.

You should ALL have had fish and chips. He was thinking about a hot dinner whilst not appreciating you'd had a crazy day. I find talking to DH on Sunday about things in the coming week means we can discuss when a takeout is needed!

Mine said he'd be happy to cook last night but I was sceptical as we both had a crazy amount on yesterday. We both got home half an hour later than planned and agreed takeout within minutes 😂. So it doesn't always go to plan...

Chicken and salad probably aren't great in December when it's wet and cold out. He shouldn't take that out on you though.

He could have had it with some chips or hot buttered toast and a mug of tea? He's complaining about his health, he's the one who turned his nose up at lean protein and greens in favour of a chippy

He was unreasonable, probably because he was hungry .
you had a busy day and there is nothing wrong with a chicken , salad and pitta bread dinner .
Maybe you could keep some pudding in the fridge / freezer for him ?
I see he dislikes jacket potatoes?
of keep potato croquettes in the freezer to bulk out a dinner that he considers to be not very substantial

I get both sides. You've had a busy day running about, he's had more of a busy one. Doing manual work for that amount of time you want a 'proper dinner' when you come home, not what you made I guess? You probably already know this so maybe have some extras frozen to heat up and add? On the other hand, manual labour doesn't mean full on the whole time, there can be waiting about about periods, breaks of course and usually places to get food from nearby?

Also depends on age of DC, when young they're full on when you have to take them everywhere with you, but if at school, nursery, then more free time. X

are you a parent? Because thinking cooking dinner means you aren’t seeing your children makes it sound like you’re not.

Yeah I do have kids, but if they're primary age it takes twice as long to do anything. Did OP say she had 3?

I think your husband is out of order. You had chicken ready for tea. You offered to put potatoes in for him, which is quite a good tea to come home to. If he doesn't like what you're making then ask him what he would like & if you've not got time to make it for him ask him to stop off on his way home to pick something up or order a take away.