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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Upset husband

218 replies

Questionmarkone · 11/12/2024 19:27

Hi all, I want some unbiased advice as I don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I have name changed for this post. My husband works a manual job and gets up at 5am. Got in at 7pm today and has a long commute to/from work. I am SAHM to three children. I do all the housework/child responsibilities etc and he helps with cooking/cleaning when home at weekends. Today i was very busy, school drop off, dog walk, collecting Christmas tree from garden centre, taking outside lights down from attic and online Christmas shopping. I had my child’s Christmas Nativity at 2pm -3pm and my older daughter’s school parents evening which first appointment at 3.40pm. I got home from Nativity at 3.30pm, put some chicken in the oven and rushed out to parents evening. I got home at 5.10pm and spoke on phone with husband. He was upset I had not made dinner, said I should be thinking about him as he does not get to eat well in day duty to work. I was planning to have a chicken supper with children, chicken, salad, pitta bread but husband does not think this is dinner. He was very upset about dinner and made a big deal out of it and sent a long text berating me. I offered to put some potatoes on for him but he said no and has come in with fish and chips and said it’s my fault he is eating badly. Am I in the wrong? He also questioned what I have been doing all day and said making dinner should be my priority

OP posts:
keffie12 · 12/12/2024 18:57

There's a lot of what they call traditional wives on here! I was a SAHM when mine were small, so... I had 4 children by the ex.

Neither the ex nor my 2nd late husband would have dreamed of berating me over a missed meal. They both had hard manual long day jobs, too.

They would have just gone to the takeaway, eaten what I had done, or made their own.

A woman is never off duty 24/7 with a family.

Clearly, you're happy with him, OP. He would be out with me if he didn't change his tune

There is nothing wrong with just you made

Fluufer · 12/12/2024 19:16

I'm amused that so many people think that's not a proper dinner. What's wrong with it? Protein, carbs, veg. A complete meal. Why didn't he just micro a jacket, stick some frozen chips in the airfryer, bag of rice or something if he wanted to pad it out more. Absolutely no excuse for him to berate you about it.

ItsBlowinAHoolieOut · 12/12/2024 19:22

I'm home all day, I do work but from home, minimal hours. I do majority of everything because dh is out 8am till usually 7-9pm.
There's been times I've been non stop. 4 kids, 4 different education settings to juggle. Plus 4 days after school activities

He's been served beans and cheese on toast at times for tea, although not often. He would never complain , ever. To be fair he knows if he did then he'd be told to cook himself.

Horses7 · 12/12/2024 19:29

I’m going to put my tin hat on but if H was up at 5am and home at 7pm I would make a tea I thought he’d enjoy. Your kids are at school which makes a difference to your day too. He’d had a 14 hour day already, physical job/long commute - I think he’d rather be walking the dog and Christmas shopping online, going to parents evening etc - I know I would. Give him a break chicken, salad and pitta bread is possibly the straw that broke the camels back. Sorry 😔

Sassybooklover · 12/12/2024 19:32

Do you menu plan? My husband and I menu plan for the week. It stops the question 'what shall we have for tea', wandering around the supermarket aimlessly and we only buy what we need, so saves overspending on the food shop. If you planed a menu together on a Sunday for example, you could then say, 'it will need to be a quick tea on XX because I have XX on and won't have so much time'. Use a slow cooker, prepare in the morning, switch it on and leave it.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/12/2024 19:45

I am totally failing to understand why the guy didn't just cook himself some chips with it if he wanted a bit more filling - the rest of it is perfectly well balanced-

I'm wondering how many women out at work would come back to this meal from a bloke either WFH or SAH dad and be moaning about it - ??

magicalmrmistoffelees · 12/12/2024 20:02

Fluufer · 12/12/2024 19:16

I'm amused that so many people think that's not a proper dinner. What's wrong with it? Protein, carbs, veg. A complete meal. Why didn't he just micro a jacket, stick some frozen chips in the airfryer, bag of rice or something if he wanted to pad it out more. Absolutely no excuse for him to berate you about it.

Apparently it’s not a ‘spud tea’ and therefore not a proper meal!

GravyBoatWars · 12/12/2024 20:36

His frustration about the dinner was reasonable, his way of communicating that was completely unacceptable.

That dinner doesn’t sound nutritionally adequate for someone working long hours at a highly physical job. He’d need to eat a positively silly amount of pita bread to get sufficient carbohydrates and he likely also needs more fat unless the chicken was in a fattier sauce. Part of making dinner for the family is taking into account different nutritional needs - this will likely come up again when your DC get older, especially if they’re sporty - and it isn’t the same as catering to everyone’s whims and preferences.

But he needs to talk with you about that like a respectful adult. Shouting, blaming you for his choice to eat fish n chips, claiming you sit around all day… totally not ok and I’d tell him that. Then when you’re not in an argument, sit down and have a conversation about dinners. Tell him you need to set a default dinner time that you’re aiming for each night unless the two of you communicate by that morning that it will change. Ask him if he’d prefer that be earlier, which case he’ll need to be content with reheated food if he gets home later, or later, in which case he needs to figure out some no-prep foods you can keep on hand for him to tide himself over with if he gets home early. He also needs to help figure out some go-to, quick prep carb options that you or he can add to meals if they need filling out for him.

Blogswife · 12/12/2024 21:13

Wow, he’s stuck in the 1950s. Tell him to get his own bloody dinner !!

croydon15 · 12/12/2024 21:24

I think what you were planning to cook is fine but not substantial enough for a man doing manual work.

DisabledDemon · 12/12/2024 21:25

And does he expect you to be waiting at the door in full slap, a nice little cocktail dress and with his martini in hand?

Honestly! He's being a dick.

FlipFlopVibe · 12/12/2024 21:29

I can see his point of view, he’s had a really long day and he thinks you’ve been home all day lounging around. You’ve actually been doing jobs here, there and everywhere. It’s hard to get each other’s perspective sometimes.
This is where pressure cookers come into their own, throw diced beef, chicken or pork in, chop a load of veg, stock, thickener and in less than 30 minutes you have a proper stew/casserole that will look like you have slaved over it for hours. If you have more time on a morning then put it in a slow cooker instead. Sometimes I buy those frozen giant yorkshires and fill them with the stew, proper comfort food at this time of year

GravyBoatWars · 12/12/2024 21:35

As an add on to my earlier response… Here are some ideas for carb options that we like in our home. We have a pack of kids of all ages plus plenty of bonus ones that get fed regularly and rather crazy schedules, so we do a lot of quick-assembly and make ahead things, need meals to be pretty customizable for individuals, and need to have backup options on hand.

-We use a rice cooker to make rice or similar grains (ours is a stainless steel model from Aroma (we avoid nonstick coatings) and since it’s electric we can let it cook unsupervised. Rice can sit for about 2 hours on the warm setting and then we dish out any leftovers into individual serving sized rectangles on plastic wrap, wrap up tightly, label & pop them in the freezer. They’ll last a month frozen and reheat quickly in the microwave with a little water added. If it’s stored in the fridge it’ll last 1-2 days. In addition to white rice try brown rice, farro, barley, lentils and couscous.
-Pasta. We always have pasta on hand with at least some butter and Parmesan, and that means we have extra carbs available within 10 minutes. Heat the water in your electric kettle then transfer to a sauce pan with pasta to speed it up.
-When we use the oven we almost always add in an extra pan of diced potatoes (white, sweet or a combination) and a few links of sausage to roast. This goes in the fridge as a base for breakfasts (toss in skillet to reheat, add eggs) or as quick adds to meals. Either do a small dice or poach larger cubes first so they cook quickly & evenly in the oven.
-Bags of frozen rolls that can be individually baked in the number you need.
-Frozen chips.
-Make a double serving of mash for dinner early in the week so you have leftovers to reheat (add some extra liquid). We do the same with potato salad and pasta salad (no reheating necessary for those). We also keep pouches of instant mashed potatoes in the cupboard for starving teen “emergencies.”
-Try out different freezer meal options to find ones he likes that you can keep on hand. Look for heavier things like Mac n’cheese, burritos, lasagne, personal sized pizzas, etc. It doesn’t have to be enough for a whole meal in itself since there’s additional dinner available, but sometimes he may just need the equivalent of two dinners.
-If he’s willing to be a little adventurous by UK standards, see if you can find a brand of frozen tamales he likes. These are a go-to in my house since I grew up with them. We stick a bag in the fridge to defrost and then they can be steamed on the stove or microwave 2-3 at a time. They’re little packages of dense carbs, fat & protein
-Batch cook hearty things like savory beans and stews, then freeze 2-3 portions in smallish glass containers that can be transferred into a saucepan for quick heating. Can be eaten with rice to add even more carbs.

Quick pre-dinner or post-dinner grabs for starving family members that aren’t crisps (which are also fine):
-Cheese and sausage cubes, or just cheese sticks. We go through a silly amount of cheese.
-Boiled eggs
-Full fat yogurts
-Jerky & meat sticks
-Crackers and hummus or a creamy dip

Also, we started making a pot of porridge at breakfast a while back and it’s actually helped immensely with everyone feeling better and less hangry in the afternoon/evening. We use our rice cooker for this so no one has to stand over a stove. Since he gets up early you could dish a good serving into a bowl, put some butter slices and brown sugar on top, and cover tightly. He can just add some milk & microwave in the morning. Egg muffins full of meat & cheese are another breakfast go-to for us; they often get microwaved and wrapped in a paper towel on the way out the door.

ThistleTits · 12/12/2024 22:08

@Questionmarkone he didn't want any dinner except fish and chips. Made a fuss to blame you for his unhealthy choices. You offered to add potatoes to the meal, he refused that. He's been thinking of the chippy all day.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 12/12/2024 22:34

I’d expect you to make his dinner and to have something he’d filling that he’d eat given that you are a ‘house person’ and he’s providing for you. Though I personally don’t see what’s wrong with what you made so unless he’s told you before that he doesn’t eat that or that he needs a particular thing (like carbs or hot food etc) yanbu. You are quite unreasonable to describe getting something out of the loft, going on a dog walk, shopping on your phone, watching a nativity and having a 10 min chat with a teacher as a busy day to someone who is out of the house 14 hours doing manual work though, maybe that’s why he’s annoyed?

Dibbils · 12/12/2024 22:47

Oooh I’d be in orbit if I got that from my husband and wouldn’t come down until he had made a major apology! Who the hell does he think he is? Sorry but being a stay at home mum involves a lot at times and he needs to realise that. I would be livid! Tell him to feck right off and go on strike for a while 😉👊

Teenagehorrorbag · 12/12/2024 23:04

Crazy! You cooked a chicken - so presumably he could easily have some of that reheated with some potatoes (which you offered) and veg and bit of Bisto? Easy manual blokes roast dinner!

DH is very similar and doesn't think pasta, stir fries, pitta etc are proper meals. So he does often get boring reheated meat and 2 veg to shut him up while we have lots of tasty and varied options.

But he's out of line being so rude and ungrateful. Fine if he can afford fish and chips - costs an arm and a leg these days.....

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2024 23:23

How lovely for posters to give you all these super recipe ideas

How about some ideas for how she deals with a partner who treats her like his housekeeper/personal chef?

CrispyCrumpets · 12/12/2024 23:29

You did nothing wrong. I assume you made enough so that he could eat his fill? Sounds like he hadn't even seen it before he kicked off. I mean, he had carbs, protein and veggies, surely if one pitta isn't enough he has a second. Or accepts the spuds you offered. Or just get the chips to go with what is essentially just a chicken kebab anyway. Surely that would have satisfied his stodge craving.

It just sounds like he was hangry and had a tantrum because he didn't fancy what you had made. Why isn't he eating any lunch? Surely he can manage something during the day to prevent another meltdown? Maybe send him with a chicken pitta bread wrapped in foil tomorrow for lunch on the go!

Doubledenim305 · 12/12/2024 23:30

He's tired. Ur tired.
Tomorrow is a new day.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/12/2024 23:32

@Nanny0gg indeed- quite clearly this thread is sponsored by Good Housekeeping !! If the bloke had time to go to the chippy - then it wouldn't have hurt to have hung on For OP to make some chips or rice or something similar if needs be-he was doing it to make a point and be an arse.

HBiz · 12/12/2024 23:37

How would your husband cope if you were away, or if he were single? He’d just have to get his own dinner wouldn’t he? Presumably every other night dinner meets his requirements so I think he can let this one occasion go and be grateful that even after you’ve both had a busy day you’ve still managed to sort out some dinner for him. I don’t know what planet he thinks he’s living on to be honest to give you grief about it

Dramatic · 12/12/2024 23:50

I think the real issue here is the way he berated you, that's completely unacceptable. Maybe he didn't fancy the dinner you cooked - fine. But he doesn't get to belittle you and make you feel this way. The dinner isn't important, it could have been anything he wasn't happy about but he needs to apologise for the way he disrespected you.

Teasloth · 12/12/2024 23:53

Your husband is an utter BELLEND

Having a fucking hissy fit cos he didn't like his dinner. Regardless of what hours he works how dare he be so rude and entitled.
Twat

TSMWEL · 13/12/2024 00:44

I'll weigh in. I work ft as does DH so not the same but DH does manual work and I don't. If I'd made the same tea I'd have offered potatoes or rice (micro rice) to bulk out DH meal, which he'd have accepted as perfectly fine.

OP has clearly stated that her "d"h refused potatoes and won't let her make microwave rice as it's not considered "home cooked" THEN went and got a take away and blamed her for his shit diet.

It's really not about her not using the slow cooker or thinking that getting a tree down and going on a dog walk is a busy day.

He's an arse.