To get resentful at Christmas- how much do other husbands do?

[ChristmasGrump5]

My husband does nothing towards Christmas. He doesn’t buy a single present,card, food or drink, wraps nothing,doesn’t do any meal planning or make anything either. He likes buying a Christmas tree. Puts the lights on and that’s it. He doesn’t like the stress Christmas causes and says he can do without it. Does nothing towards birthdays either for the same reason. Doesn’t get that actually his kids like Christmas and birthdays and somebody needs to sort both. We both work full time and have older teen kids. Every Christmas he gets angry at me for getting stressed because I do everything. If I ask him to take things to the post office that I have bought and wrapped he moans. I try not to show my stress and manage most of the time however if I show an iota of stress in any way he gets shouty saying we shouldn’t have Christmas , I choose to do it,he doesn’t like it and can do without it.

I have pared it down to the bare minimum . We don’t go anywhere, or do loads of things and I try to keep the budget down so we don’t spend a lot. I just send presents, small but thoughtful ( pared right down), make a Christmas cake, stockings for the now adult kids and us,get in nice food.However sorting it when working full time is a lot when you do it single handed.

I’m starting to feel resentful and pretty much hate it myself now. I don’t do anything nice and Christmassy because it adds to the stress of fitting everything in. So can I ask what do other husbands do towards Christmas? What is the norm? Do they support you if you do it all, are you able to voice stress about it?

My DH has written some cards . Not many, just the ones with early posting dates. (4 I think!)

I have told him that this year he is fully responsible for buying, wrapping and distributing gifts for his side of the family. It’s not a lot - we’ll be hosting his parents on Christmas Day and his only sister, BIL and nephew live 20 minutes away. I have a feeling that it won’t be what I would have chosen but now I’ve thrown down the gauntlet I’m turning a blind eye!

Next year I’ll get him to do something else too. I don’t know how we got to the point where all of the kids presents are a surprise to him, as is all of the food and drink in the fridge etc but I’m going to start to turn it around.

My husband is pretty usless, definitely doesnt help towards choosing or getting stuff for the kids. I just dont buy him a gift and buy myself things I like using his credit card, such as posh chocolates, fancy gins and nice pjs and tell the kids that theyre from santa!
I plan all our days out and doing things with family. i do find it exhausting but if left to him we'd not do anything. He occasionally admits hes enjoyed something but thats about it!

My DP is much the same. But, before we met, he wouldn't bother with Christmas in terms of decorations, gifts, etc. Christmas for him was just food eith family. So I've accepted that all of the things I do for Christmas are because I want them so I have no expectation of him now. It's disappointing but I guess I can't force him to celebrate something he doesn't want to in the way that I do.

Mine does the Christmas food shop, cooks the Christmas dinner (unless we go out somewhere as we are this year), and buys and wraps half the gifts for our shared DD (obviously I buy and wrap the other half). He also buys and wraps all the gifts for his adult children (I have no part in that). We don't send cards so don't need to worry about that. Oh he also decorated the tree this year as I hate doing it! So I think he does a lot on reflection 😂

But what about your kids ? It isn’t just because we want them.

Mine is in charge of food (buying and cooking)
I do the presents.
I do the decorations because I love my novelty tree decorations. He stares at the tree in bafflement and asks "why do we have a unicorn in a tutu on the tree".

My DH has no idea what the kids get for Xmas - the only thing he has to do is buy MIL a card and get her present. He sometimes pops along to the supermarket with me to choose what he wants to eat (he’s particular about his cheese!) and the father wants Jacob’s crackers rather than the cheap ones I buy…
much easier if he doesn’t get involved, he’d be happy sitting on the sofa doing ‘proper’ FA for the whole week and I just organise a walk to various places with the dog that he sometimes reluctantly comes on…
we have a relationship that if he wants to join us, he can, if he doesn’t I don’t nag - I just accept it’s not me - it’s just we are quite different…

Mine does all the food shopping and cooking, although I help with prep, for Christmas dinner and evening buffet. He puts up outside lights and probably half of the inside decorations. He buys presents for me and picks up bits if he sees anything he thinks the kids would like, but the rest of the gifts are down to me and I do all of the wrapping (except for the stuff he buys for me). He also does a big house clean before Christmas, takes the dog to be groomed, takes stuff to be posted, delivers local cards and picks up parcels if needed.

Take a step back. What would your perfect Christmas look like?

If your kids are adults, I'd be tempted to tell your DH that you won't be around next Christmas as you're going away to a nice hotel with a friend for the holiday.

Obviously I'm not glad someone else is in the same boat but it's a bit of solidarity too. My DH hates Christmas and "wouldn't bother " but we have elderly parents who wouldn't go anywhere if they didn't come to us and wouldn't have a gift at all if I didn't buy them. He'll get the odd bit of stuff for the kids but only stuff he thinks is cool or after I have done the thinking and said what I think we should buy and done the research and found links and sent to ask what he thinks. I sort decorating tree, buying and cooking food and the day itself including little things to keep it special He just kind of goes along with it but subconsciously or maybe consciously chooses to do very little
It hurts and I'm exhausted. I also work full time

Just quiet quit

Mine did the tree whilst I did the windows. He's cooking, and did the practice cook last weekend. We don't do gifts. He will shop and he gets the movies playlist ready.

Mine puts up some outside decorations and lights. I wouldn't do this as I don't feel confident going up stepladders and hammeriing nails for non essential things. He organises boned and rolled turkey and will help to cook it.

I do all the cleaning, interior decorating, present buying etc. It is lot when working full time. Particularly as there are visitors and I have to do lots of cleaniing/tidying at once.

I only go to events that my dcs ask for, they are teens. One plays competitive sport so I am out taking her to things 3 to 4 niighrs a week. I can't face Christmas Markets, lights etc as well. It is pared back as much as I can.

Mine does:
Last minute cleaning (we have a cleaner as we both hate doing it and work full time)
Makes up beds for guests, buys his family presents
Sorts his friend’s cards (writing), we take it in turns to make the cards with our child depending on who is free and same with posting
Buys presents for me and our child (we make a list together)
We sit down together and decide what we need for food and drink and order online
He books a meal for us and his family (same restaurant, has become a tradition)
Books a few activities like theatre etc
Plays Christmas tunes on the piano whilst we decorate the house
Makes Christmas cocktails whilst I wrap the presents
Drinks the Santa whiskey and pours one for me
Does all the washing up and cleaning down of the kitchen (I cook)

My dh wants xmas to be magical for the kids (6 and 2). He got all the xmas shit from the loft and decorated and out up the tree with me and the kids. He will cook xmas dinner- I didn't ask him, he wants to do it. He will do a huge Sainsbury's food and drink shop when he gets paid. He was proactive in finding a light trail activity to do. He gets some of the kids' gifts. He is very proactive on the school admin side of things e.g they have a school xmas dinner and he filled In the form and paid the money etc.

I admittedly do more than that but he works full time in a stressful nhs job with shifts and I'm a sahm so it seems fair that I do more.

I do the following:

Plan, order and cook all food.
Put up outside lights.
Write most cards.
Organise half-ish of the DC presents.
Buy and wrap presents for the 20 other people outside of DW/DC that I’m responsible for.
Organise at least one pre-Xmas activity/Santa visit.
Make Xmas cake and pudding 3 months in advance.

We decorate the house/trees as a family.

Not to make you feel bad but my husband does a lot. He’s already finished all his presents for me and the family. He will probably do all the cooking or at least we will do it together as it’s just the two of us. We did the decorating together and he battled the weather to get the wreath on the door.
He’s liaised with his mum to work out where we are going and when.

However we have no kids so maybe it’ll be different then. Fingers crossed not!

Mine is the same and I marjorly resentful and make that known. It changes nothing. If I didn't buy stuff for the kids or others, they would have nothing. I am literally raging atm as I work more than him now and also navigating all the SEND EHCP stuff (of which he does nothing at all). I mke how unfair I feel this is known to all.

I think that when they first get together with their DP/ DH lots of women love being in control of Christmas. And most household stuff generally. It's almost a rite of passage.

They get to show how competent and indispensable they are - the house wouldn't run without them. Christmas wouldn't happen without them.

And then they get bored of it and fed up of their husband's learned uselessness.

It doesn't need to be this way - just start as you mean to go on!

My DH buys gifts for DC and myself (I buy dc a gift too but he likes buying extra), and if asked will cook a dish. He doesn't wrap his presents and gives them in the shopping bag. He might do a massive ill-timed spontaneous shop of stuff we already have or don't need.

I enjoy preparing Christmas though so it's fine.

We do about an equal amount. He sorts his family’s presents/cards out and I sort mine as an example.

He likes to cook the Christmas dinner and make bacon sandwiches for breakfast so I let him crack on.

He does elf on the shelf, North Pole breakfast and will do the Christmas Eve box for DS because I think it’s a bit silly for a just turned 2 year old so again, I let him crack on.

We only buy gifts for our children and parents, but nothing gets sent in the post. Presents go in gift bags that are reused each year, so no wrapping. Food is delivered, so no schlepping round the shops. We don't make a Christmas cake. So there are definitely things you could cut back.

But to answer your question, my DH does more than yours. He gets the tree in the stand and does the lights. He is normally the one who can reach the top of it. He cooks Christmas dinner, except for any bits that he thinks are unnecessary extras (nicer stuffing, swede and red cabbage). The only bit he isn't much involved in is presents.

Mine does very little but obviously feels bad about it so tends to take over all housework, cooking and childcare.

He does have the ideas for presents for his side of the family but if he was left to buy them he'd do it last minute (or even later) and not look for the best price so it'd be stressful and cost us more.

This year he bought dc a few things they had asked for by sending links but otherwise I've bought everything.

Decoration wise I like it paired down and he'll do what I tell him to as in putting the outside lights up and holding things.

We only do Xmas eve buffet with family and go out for Xmas Dinner so that's no big deal either.

I short, he does very little but it doesn't bother me much.

My husband does pretty much nothing beyond presents for his mother.

I don't actually mind. He does lots of other things and I love everything about Christmas and the preparation for it.

My husband does nothing. This year he is doing nothing and also having a massive bad mood over something trivial. Wish he would go back to Just doing nothing. Cunt.