To get resentful at Christmas- how much do other husbands do?

[ChristmasGrump5]

My husband does nothing towards Christmas. He doesn’t buy a single present,card, food or drink, wraps nothing,doesn’t do any meal planning or make anything either. He likes buying a Christmas tree. Puts the lights on and that’s it. He doesn’t like the stress Christmas causes and says he can do without it. Does nothing towards birthdays either for the same reason. Doesn’t get that actually his kids like Christmas and birthdays and somebody needs to sort both. We both work full time and have older teen kids. Every Christmas he gets angry at me for getting stressed because I do everything. If I ask him to take things to the post office that I have bought and wrapped he moans. I try not to show my stress and manage most of the time however if I show an iota of stress in any way he gets shouty saying we shouldn’t have Christmas , I choose to do it,he doesn’t like it and can do without it.

I have pared it down to the bare minimum . We don’t go anywhere, or do loads of things and I try to keep the budget down so we don’t spend a lot. I just send presents, small but thoughtful ( pared right down), make a Christmas cake, stockings for the now adult kids and us,get in nice food.However sorting it when working full time is a lot when you do it single handed.

I’m starting to feel resentful and pretty much hate it myself now. I don’t do anything nice and Christmassy because it adds to the stress of fitting everything in. So can I ask what do other husbands do towards Christmas? What is the norm? Do they support you if you do it all, are you able to voice stress about it?

My DH tidies the house, gets the decorations from the loft, puts up the lights and puts the tree in the stand. He buys the food and booze, sorts his parent’s presents out, cards for his side. He’ll help with food prep and always washes up. He’ll cheerfully attend anything I’ve organised.

I buy the kids presents, do the baking and most of the cooking, take the DC out to choose a tree and I decorate with their help, organise outings and family and friends socials.

I do more than him but not by much. Christmas is ad difficult or as easy as you want it to be. I do what I do because I enjoy it. If I didn’t I wouldn’t bother (aoarg from presents for the DC which are the only essential).

Mine buys presents for his side of the family, me, and some of the kids ones. He buys most of the food. I do the mental load, plan the food, do the budget,.decorations, most of the gift choosing and buying. I do more of the housework. He cooks the dinner. I organise any trips. We share wrapping duties. Both work full-time. I still end up more stressed than him but it's pretty evenly balanced in terms of load.

My husband does nothing but I don’t work and he does at least half of the household tasks/life admin and kids stuff outside of his working hours so I let him off his lack of seasonal support

It doesn’t really matter what other people do because there are plenty of useless men out there. You need to ask yourself if he’s bringing anything good to your relationship and family, then go from there. I’d book lunch or go out with dc and leave him to it this Christmas, ideally go to a hotel or stay with family. I wouldn’t be buying him presents or food either. He’s said he doesn’t like it so it shouldn’t matter to him.

My partner and I do our own shopping and wrapping for presents for each other and our own family/friends. We decorate the tree together, and do the food shopping and cooking together. All very easy and relaxed.

OP you should do all the Christmas stuff you want but with your kids. I wouldn’t bother getting your partner any gifts from you or the kids (after all, he doesn’t care) and do your own thing. If he feels excluded, then he can make an effort to contribute.

DH is attending DS1’s Class Christmas Party and we will attend DS2’s Christmas Festival. He is doing the driving when we go see his family after Christmas (we wouldn’t have gone if I hadn’t said anything), but that is about it.

He is meant to do Christmas Cards for his family which I ordered last month and told him to send them a few weeks ago but they’re still sitting on the table and I am not reminding him again to do them. They are a feet away from where he is watching sports but he has not done them yet so not my problem. He’s lucky I bought gifts beforehand for his side otherwise no one would be getting anything likely until he decided to do it the week of Christmas. I did it this year to keep cost down but this is the last year and I will be leaving it to him to do his parents and siblings and just do the nieces and nephews.

Foodwise, ordering a curry. I am not big on roast, never have been. DH loves a roast and will be making one himself if he wants it, hasn’t said anything about it so guess he is having curry too. The Christmas break is the hardest part of the year for me and I’m just trying to get through it.

I do 80% of it all (planning, execution, gifts, etc) even though I’m not a fan of Christmas. I just leave it for DS2 to decide what he likes/wants within reason and go
from there.

You win.

My husband does about half or a bit more because he stresses I'd say. We decorate inside the house as a family. He does all the outside decorating. He buys for his family, I buy for mine. We both buy for the kids. He plans an Xmas day out and so do I. We do the cooking together. He does all the putting away of decorations afterwards. He stresses out about it more than me. I don't know why.

My ex does nothing except make a couple of ludicrously overpriced and inappropriate suggestions about what to give the kids.

I’ve always loved Christmas and make a big effort (decorations, lights, tree, homemade advent, activities, traditions, the whole nine yards) but he could never be bothered to help out, because he’s from the school of “I don’t care about it so why should I contribute just for your and the kids’ sake” and that did rankle.

Now I do just as much as I ever did but I don’t have a freeloader along for the ride. My kids absolutely adore the Christmas season and say so all month long, while also rolling their eyes about the completely obvious fact that Daddy is a fun-sponge who can’t be bothered with anything.

My first husband - Christmas Day with two small children, having done absolutely everything, I got up to do the washing up. He said 'Oh don't do that now! You can do it later'. For a nano second I thought that he was going to say that he'd do it, fool that I was.

I’m the one who does nothing in our house as I don’t care for Christmas so I don’t do it. My partner isn’t that bothered by it either but if we decide to have a Christmassy dinner he gets food in and cooks it. He buys his family gifts, it wouldn’t ever occur to me to do that. We don’t do cards or decorations or host anyone. When I was single I didn’t acknowledge Christmas in any way so that hasn’t changed. I don’t think I could be in a relationship with a Christmas lover who expected me to do stuff I didn’t care about tbh, I’d probably have to fuck off travelling and leave them to it (like I have this year!)

Mine would do FA if I let him but will "help" with small things when I've done all the thinking. Both work full time though I have more flexibility (self employed) but zero paid leave. Kids are 20 and 16 and not with us for Christmas Day this year. He is also working (NHS, very lowly paid role) Christmas Day so I'll be cooking and hosting his parents on my own and expecting him to take over when he does come home!

He generally does:
Writes cards for his family and the approx 3 friends he wants to send them to.

Sorts presents (invariably unimaginative and from Amazon) for his family.

Helps with Xmas dinner/prep as a rule, though is working this year.

Buys me a couple of presents, nothing big or expensive and if it's actually something I want, will have been informed of its exact nature and location.

He won't book or instigate anything Christmassy but will either come along (without being a Grinch about it) if it matters to me or the kids.

Could be worse. Could be a lot better but as he's generally a sweetheart, very laid back and not at all grumpy/arsey about stuff, I can live with it. Probably 25 years of exh doing absolutely FA (and zero presents in general) - AND being a miserable twat about everything AND being critical as fuck about everything - has lowered my expectations. Sad.

Very very little. But he works a LOT and I have more time so it's ok.. He helps with some cleaning in the run up, when I undoubtedly run out of time, puts up the outdoor lights, helps get and put up the real tree, I decorate it. Oh he also helps with some high up decorations we put up. Buys me a gift. I do everything else and have to plan and "manage" it. He wouldn't do anything if I didn't ask him to.

It’s always been a bit of an unequal load here. He generally sorts cards and presents for his side of the family. I’ve usually always done our DC although he did enjoy shopping for them when they were younger. We save towards Christmas equally so it’s financially a joint effort. I generally do all the wrapping and when DC were younger I sorted the advent calendar and any events.
he will come and do the Christmas food shop with me (and no doubt sling loads of stuff in the trolley that I wouldn’t have!)
we are hosting my parents for Christmas dinner this year so most of it will be done by me but I will get him to help with prep. Tree decorating etc usually done by myself and our teens.
He does however buy me lovely gifts which are always well thought out and wrapped - takes him ages to do the wrapping and he hates doing it!!

Mine is very similar - save the dog, which would be a surprise... As we have no dog!

But he now realises it's better for everyone if he does his fare share and much more fun /pleasant... Rather Christmas arrive in a complete frazzled mess!

Very little but honestly I don't mind as he still does his fair share around the house for the rest of the time.

I haven't read any of your thread, only the OP.
But, I'm getting Christmas out the way, then I'm leaving him.
I'm sick of it.
I could add detail, but I can't be arsed.
I've been with him for 22 years, and I've done absolutely everything.

Honestly, I'm spent.

My husband does virtually nothing and has for the 40 odd years we have been married. He will do things if I ask him to, like put up outside lights, write cards and wrap presents but I have to give him instructions which defeats the object. The only thing he does off his own back is buy my presents and his mums when she was alive.

Over the years I have pretty much got Christmas down to minimal effort and he does other stuff so I don't really mind.

My husband also can't be arsed with it, so we aren't doing it.

So far DH has written most cards, as he sends most. He's decorated the living room and put lights upon the hall and dining room.

My DS erected the Christmas tree and DH put the lights on the tree too. So far I've thrown some tinsel on the tree.

This year I've ordered most of the presents because I have amazon prime.

I'll do most of baking. DH will probably cook Christmas dinner (paella) and I'll suggest we each make a tapas plate for starters.

Helps plan the gifts. I tend to pick up things year round, so we're mostly making lists and seeing where the gaps are. He takes care of all the online ordering while I do the in-person shopping because he is always working while the shops are open.

In return, he wraps everything and labels it and keeps lists so we know what is in every parcel.

We jointly plan the food. He shops for it and keeps a running list of anything we might be getting short of. He then goes to the shops as needed to top up. I will cook things that need doing in advance. On the day, he will do most of the cooking and all of the cleaning up.

We both work fairly long hours, so the way we do Christmas seems a fair and equitable distribution of effort by both of us.

Married 35+ years. Xmas is probably 80/20. He does the outside lights (admittedly that's a big task), puts up the tree, and hauls the decs boxes down from upstairs and takes them back up again. But gifts, shopping, food, cooking, cards, decorating are all mine. He does manage to hang some decs on the tree and helps me clean up after Xmas dinner. I don't really mind, I enjoy the hustle bustle of shopping and cooking and seeing my decs go up just how I want them.

What he does do is get the hell out of my way so I can do what I want lol. He doesn't criticize, always compliments, and is great at 'de-stressing' me. Whatever I want to spend or buy is 'fine with me, sweetheart', whatever I do around the house is 'beautiful, darling', and dinner is always 'the best Xmas Dinner ever, honey!'. And at the end of Xmas Day when the guests are gone and the mess is tidied, he brings me a nice glass of wine, a slice of pie, then toddles off to bed and leaves me to watch the Call the Midwife Xmas episode by myself in the peaceful quiet. I think I'll keep him.

Not much. He puts the tree up but we all decorate it. He puts the outdoor lights up (I help but he does most of it) and he builds any gifts that need building.

I love doing the shopping and wrapping so I do all of that, he tells me what to buy for his side of the family. I plan all the Christmas days out, do elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes, put the presents out on Christmas Eve etc. I love planning things so don’t mind doing this, wouldn’t mind some help with the elf though.

We go out for Christmas dinner so luckily don’t have to worry about that.

If it’s making you stressed and ruining your Christmas he needs to start helping, or stop doing as much unless he helps (don’t make Christmas cake). I start shopping/ booking days out from September so it spreads it out.

Every year my husband seems astonished by how Christmas is brought into being. He was brought up in a household where his parents didn't bother. His mum might stick a tiny artificial tree up for Christmas Day but then put it away again on Boxing Day. They are very much an 'unsigned Christmas card' sort of family. I decorate the house and always find it oddly touching how he responds - we've been together nearly 30 years but he is still always appreciative how how the house looks. He does all the food stuff and loves feeding my family who turn up at some point. He has learnt to do presents - my family always bother, and my mum in particular has always made sure he gets a good gift (I think she feels sorry that his childhood Christmases weren't like ours) and does sort gifts for his miserable family. He's pretty good in general - cooking and cleaning - so I have no complaints!

Mine plans, orders, and cooks all the food and makes the arrangements for his parents to visit us. He sorts gifts for his side and for me. We decide together what to get DC and I do the buying and wrapping. We do the tree together. I send about five Christmas cards to older family members. That's about it really, we always have a low stress Christmas as none of us are fond of being stressed!