To get resentful at Christmas- how much do other husbands do?

[ChristmasGrump5]

My husband does nothing towards Christmas. He doesn’t buy a single present,card, food or drink, wraps nothing,doesn’t do any meal planning or make anything either. He likes buying a Christmas tree. Puts the lights on and that’s it. He doesn’t like the stress Christmas causes and says he can do without it. Does nothing towards birthdays either for the same reason. Doesn’t get that actually his kids like Christmas and birthdays and somebody needs to sort both. We both work full time and have older teen kids. Every Christmas he gets angry at me for getting stressed because I do everything. If I ask him to take things to the post office that I have bought and wrapped he moans. I try not to show my stress and manage most of the time however if I show an iota of stress in any way he gets shouty saying we shouldn’t have Christmas , I choose to do it,he doesn’t like it and can do without it.

I have pared it down to the bare minimum . We don’t go anywhere, or do loads of things and I try to keep the budget down so we don’t spend a lot. I just send presents, small but thoughtful ( pared right down), make a Christmas cake, stockings for the now adult kids and us,get in nice food.However sorting it when working full time is a lot when you do it single handed.

I’m starting to feel resentful and pretty much hate it myself now. I don’t do anything nice and Christmassy because it adds to the stress of fitting everything in. So can I ask what do other husbands do towards Christmas? What is the norm? Do they support you if you do it all, are you able to voice stress about it?

Dh is in charge of exterior lights, getting things out of the loft and anything requiring height, otherwise not a lot, he buys gifts for his family and his dc with guidance from me. No food to buy as going away

My ex did nothing. Literally nothing. So one year on the present labels, of the presents I shopped for, paid for and wrapped I wrote love from mummy. He improved slightly the year after.

My husband is pretty helpful, I have no complaints. I have learned he will buy weird gifts when stressed though. So we discuss plans if I suspect he doesn't know what to get for someone, and I tend to take his mother as he has no clue.

Anyway, OP, have you guys actually sat down and talked about this? Maybe the thing to do is to say, look, we want to have some Christmas, and not have it stressful. So can we decide what is important and share the load?

And that will make it less stressful for you, and therefore for him.

It may be that there are certain things he is adverse to that you can work around, or certain things he thinks are more important and wants to include.

But it's not usually a fruitful conversation when people are being reactive.

I buy all the presents for the DC and my family (and for the DC from my family!), and wrap them, my DH gets presents for the couple of kids in his family.

He gets the tree down from the attic, and I put it up and decorate it and the house.

I sort out all the Christmas crafts, advents and activities.

My DH buys all the food and cooks the Christmas lunch and dinner, and makes the mince pies etc. He usually washes up too.

I'm working on leaving but I'm disabled with a disabled child. Not easy as no support but hope it will be possible eventually

DH and I have a shared list - I do gifts, cards and school event planning (putting things in the shared calendar) and DH does the cleaning, putting up and taking down of trees, we do the shop together, I cook dishes and he does washing up/putting away.

I fully admit I do a lot more of the mental load, but every year DH tells me he's grateful for my efforts and how lovely the Xmas season is because of the work we put in

DH buys gifts for his family, writes all the Xmas cards, buys the tickets for Xmas shows and takes the kids to concerts they are performing in and all their activity Christmas parties, organises the car MOT which annoyingly falls in December, buys the Christmas tree with the kids. He picks up some of my routine tasks as I do more of the Christmas prep.

I do all the baking, order the food and the wine, buy all the kids presents from us and my Mum and buy presents for my family, wrap the presents, design the photo calendar we sent out to the relatives who live far away (and take all the photos that go in it), invite the guests, organise my DDs birthday party (this was shared more when she was little, now it's less work because she's a teenager and does the tidying etc herself), wash the sheets between the Christmas guests and Hogmanay guests. Oh, and I organised the advent activity calendar.

We share the tidying and putting up the decorations. TBH feels like we are equally exhausted and pissed off in December. We both work FT and earn roughly equal amounts.

Dh coordinated dc x3 lists with family and has ordered a few gifts (sorts his own family). He has also taken a day annual leave (he has loads left) and used it to download games so the ps5 is Christmas Day ready and he’s wrapped about 80% of the gifts. He’s written his own family cards.

DH sorts the Christmas dinner food and cooks on the day.
We make a list of gift ideas for DS and I usually buy them as I work part time self employed whereas he’s full time so it makes sense.
we share the wrapping unless I decide I’m going to do it by myself with a Christmas film as I really enjoy it whereas he doesn’t.

he comes up with present ideas for his family but I often do too and sort them out if I’ve had a good idea.

i would say it’s pretty shared in our house - I do the decorations though he puts up the tree and does the lights and then DS and I decorate while DH is the Christmas DJ

He also took a morning off to go to the school nativity, and has saved up holiday to take a block off over Christmas so we can spend it with family

I'm pretty sure my DH still believes in Father Christmas that all the presents arrive by magic, already wrapped.

One year I took the MN advice of "just don't do it" meaning the non participating partner would have to ....except a week before Christmas DH had got absolutely nothing from DS list (I said we should each sort out one child's presents) and I wasn't prepared to risk DS having nothing to open on Xmas day (he was about 8)

He does cook Christmas dinner though.

I probably buy more the presents for the kids in terms of the actual process of it. He does a lot though - gets all the decorations down, does the tree and outside lights, wraps all the presents apart from his own, does (by which I mean plans, sorts a list, buys, prepares and cooks) the food, bakes various things. Can’t complain really!

M husband cheerfully announced to me a few weeks ago that he had finished his Christmas shopping.
He buys for his mam and me 🙈
And he asks me what I want!

I get the kids presents, stockings etc, the wider family, kids school friends as apparently at their school this is a thing, teachers, swimming teacher, postman etc (he is a lovely postman!).

We put the tree up as a family, he puts up outside lights as I can't reach.

I set all presents out on Christmas Eve and blow up some balloons . He won't help with that.

I write and buy all cards except my own and his mams.

I clean/tidy house, do food /drink shopping , set table, prepare all food /dishes, utensils on Xmas Eve.

He cooks on Christmas Day and gets all the credit from the guests.

I organise things like Santa visits, pantomimes and everything for my son's birthday as it's really close to Christmas.

Mine helps to make the Christmas cake. Then he feeds it at regular intervals. I marzipan it, he ices it, DS decorates it.

He gets involved with the prep and cooking of the turkey, we usually do it Xmas Eve. He gets involved with the veg and "trimmings" on Christmas day.

The tree is usually a joint effort. He puts the lights on, DS and I do the baubles, then DH does the tinsel.

He has always got involved in presents for DS and even now, DS is 22, they go out shopping for my presents and have pizza at the same restaurant each year.

I write all the cards but he hand delivers the local ones.

He is involved in what we eat and shopping for it.

I do the main bulk of the organising and making it happen, but he is definitely involved - under my direction. I dont like him going off-piste.

I hope you do free yourself. Let 2025 be the start of a new life. There are various charities and organisations that can help you.

He makes an equal number of plans as me over Christmas.

He gets the tree and decorations out and I decorate the tree with my daughter while he makes mulled wine and bakes a camembert.

He buys presents for his family I buy for mine. We each wrap the presens we buy.

He does the food shopping and cooks Christmas dinner. We prepare buffet teas for guests together.

It was the same with my exhusband.

We are quite equal in our own way and to our own strengths!
He sorts his parents. I sort my family and nieces/nephews.
We shop for DS together. Wrap everything up together.
We don’t do presents for each other. We do a night away together.
We decide on a family day out together but I book it and organise the day.
He keeps up to date with like the clothes washing, general tidying in the house and I do all day to day cooking Christmas shopping and prep for hosting (we host for about 12). On the day, my Dad and I will cook and then DH and other family will tidy up on the day!

"Christmas for him was just food with family..."

So, who prepared the food, decorated the table, chose the Christmas playlist and provided him with a wrapped present?

Would your DP notice if you stopped doing these things for him? He's not bothered so can just get on with making himself a sandwich whilst you provide a lovely lunch / decorations / presents for you and your children. I bet he would notice then that someone [Mum / partner] is not doing all the work around facilitating his Christmas experience

My dad used to do all of his shopping on Christmas Eve at the mall. I thought it was nuts and wondered why he didn't just start sooner, but I went with him once and realized that was actually what he liked - he liked the crazy business and people watching. And as hard as he was concerned he got everyone great gifts.

I do the prepping the cooking and Christmas dinner and boxing day dinner etc
He does the Christmas food shop with my list as he drives and I don't doesn't bother me I'm happy to do everything

I do most of it because he runs his own business and tends to be doing work on that in the evenings whereas I’m a TA so can leave my work at work.

But the moment I’m stressed, or ask him to take on anything, he’s all hands on deck. This evening I had a huge moan (work has been exhausting, festive stuff has been exhausting, and I was a really crap Mum tonight and feeling awful about it) while he just quietly cleaned the kitchen, sorted laundry and asked what he could take off my list. Then he brought me my cat to cuddle 😂

I do the decorations, buying gifts ( including for ‘his’ side), the wrapping. When dc’s were young I also organised the days out/ activities. We both do the food shop, dp does all the cooking. I’m happy with our set up.

He does his family cards and presents, chooses some of our children’s gifts and takes them to buy me something, does most of the outdoor lighting and some years he does the tree. I don’t work as a SAHM so he also pays for everything!

I do the cleaning, the menu planning (with his input), most of the food shopping, most of the cooking, all the gift wrapping and I buy and send the cards and gifts for my side of the family. I do lots of our kid’s gifts and almost the smaller ones like stocking fillers. Some years I do the tree. If we’re hosting I do the extra cleaning and guest room prep and laundry. I do the vast majority of kids carol concerts, Christmas parties, sorting Christmas jumpers for school, buying advent calendars, donations to the Christmas fete, arranging family visits, thinking of trips like light trails and all that kind of stuff, but that goes with the SAHM territory.

On the day he plays with the kids and sorts out technology issues like new consoles. And he does the “normal” meals like sorting kids breakfasts. I do the Christmas dinner and play with the kids. We both deal with the dishes and clearing up.

He’d do more if I asked him to, but we’re pretty happy with the split. We both make sure to notice, appreciate and thank each other for our respective contributions which helps.

Dh does quite a lot to be fair.
Not much in the way of Christmas shopping but will choose mine and his mum’s and offer suggestions for others. He will also pick things for the dcs stockings. I do all the wrapping.
He does the exterior lights and deals with the tree stuff, (kids decorate but we all go to choose it, he chops it down and puts it in the stand).
He does all the food shopping, prep and cooking for Christmas dinner for 20ish people without a single complaint. And does a heck of a lot of cleaning up!

Dh buys presents for his side of the family and does virtually all of the cooking on years when we host. He loves cooking and is an excellent, tidy and totally unflappable cook. Last year he did a 10 course tasting menu for 10 people on Christmas Eve and then turkey and all the trimmings on Christmas Day. I'm 53 and have never cooked Christmas dinner! I'm in charge of buying and decorating the tree. Neither of us really sends Christmas cards any more, except to a couple of older generation family members.