To get resentful at Christmas- how much do other husbands do?

[ChristmasGrump5]

My husband does nothing towards Christmas. He doesn’t buy a single present,card, food or drink, wraps nothing,doesn’t do any meal planning or make anything either. He likes buying a Christmas tree. Puts the lights on and that’s it. He doesn’t like the stress Christmas causes and says he can do without it. Does nothing towards birthdays either for the same reason. Doesn’t get that actually his kids like Christmas and birthdays and somebody needs to sort both. We both work full time and have older teen kids. Every Christmas he gets angry at me for getting stressed because I do everything. If I ask him to take things to the post office that I have bought and wrapped he moans. I try not to show my stress and manage most of the time however if I show an iota of stress in any way he gets shouty saying we shouldn’t have Christmas , I choose to do it,he doesn’t like it and can do without it.

I have pared it down to the bare minimum . We don’t go anywhere, or do loads of things and I try to keep the budget down so we don’t spend a lot. I just send presents, small but thoughtful ( pared right down), make a Christmas cake, stockings for the now adult kids and us,get in nice food.However sorting it when working full time is a lot when you do it single handed.

I’m starting to feel resentful and pretty much hate it myself now. I don’t do anything nice and Christmassy because it adds to the stress of fitting everything in. So can I ask what do other husbands do towards Christmas? What is the norm? Do they support you if you do it all, are you able to voice stress about it?

We decorate the tree together. He buys and wraps gifts for his family and I do mine. We decide what to eat and drink together and I'll typically go and buy the food and drink because I finish for xmas a week before him. We don't have kids.

Just to add that I don't find any of it that arduous. I can buy presents online whilst in the bath, food isn't really any different to any other day and the decorations take a few hours.

My husband does sweet FA

I think I’d want to know what your DH is like the rest of the year - what’s his involvement been in other bits of making the kids happy over the years? Or does he usually just please himself and leave stuff to you more generally?

My DH is not the most proactive at the day to day organising or domestic drudgery, tbh, but he is invested in making occasions special, Christmas and birthdays etc. At Christmas he does the outside lights, organises when we’ll get the tree, he looks decorate it, spends too much every year on things I’d not bother like pine-scented candles and Christmas blankets, always buys presents for the kids and me without prompting, is militant on the traditional Christmas movie schedule and will wrap without complaint.

Nobody’s perfect - but some people are more perfect than others. Only you know where on the spectrum of life overall your Christmas Grinch lies.

I get all of the gifts except DSC. I don’t mind; it’s easy to order from Amazon etc. He does the tree and the decorations. In order Christmas food; he cooks it.

Works for us.

Pays for the presents too, helps wrap, helps clean the house. Cooks all the meals on the day, including homemade dessert. Cleans kitchen after. Holds the black bag for wrapping paper 😂 he says he likes the surprise seeing their presents on the day but hel get the stuff my son needs for his sport as gifts. I'm better at finding good deals for things they want so happy to do the present buying and most of the wrapping. He doesn't get involved with decoration excluding outside lights which he does and I hold the ladder.

Mine moans about the cost .he was sent to get one or two presents. Lots of fuss!
He preps and washes up.puts up tree and lights. I do all cards.presents for family and food shop.which entails 6 am rise.in Sainsbury's 7.00 am 23rd Dec.

Mine does nothing. Literally nothing for Christmas or for our now adult children's birthdays. I am massively resentful. I work full time, he doesn't work (long story but ultimately lazy). Working out how to leave him as I deserve better. 2025 will be my year !

I do all the shopping, decorating, wrapping, cooking etc. Christmas morning is always just as much a surprise for DH as it is for the kids when they open presents. He has no idea what they're getting.

He does, however, express a lot of gratitude and sees how much I put into it. He will help out and do whatever I ask him to but will also do: huge clean 'for Santa coming' drives me round in the terrible xmas traffic and gridlock just so I can scoot into shops to grab 'one more thing'. Distributes the gifts for me, makes breakfast on xmas morning, cleans up after all the presents have been opened. Cleans the kitchen in between each course ready for the next one, sends me for a nap if the kids have been up too early and will wear the stupid pjs he hates just because he knows the kids love it. He also pays for the majority of Christmas.

So while yes, I do more in the run up to xmas, he's not opting out at all, we just have our own spin on things and I genuinely couldn't let him do the things I do as they're all my way of getting ready for Christmas (and I love shopping!).

Tbh I do everything at Christmas and the reason is because I absolutely love it and want everything done in a very specific way. He gets stressed out that I'm looking over his shoulder with anything he's doing to check it's being done "right", which is completely valid and probably not fair on my part but I just have such a specific vision and idea of how I want things done and I enjoy doing it! So he'll help out as "my assistant" as he calls it and leaves me to "project manage"! He'd never grumble about anything I asked him to do though, he happily takes part in all the list making, decorations up, planning for the day etc and this arrangement completely works for us

Mine does everything food related… planning, shopping, prepping, cooking. He does the outdoor lights and gets all the decorations out of the loft (the kids and I decorate the house/tree). He is also responsible for stocking fillers for the kids. I do the rest of the present buying/wrapping etc.

He might do a massive ill-timed spontaneous shop of stuff we already have or don't need.
@Commonsense22 this made me laugh - I recognise it!

Why do you stay with him? He sounds a right misery.

Mine does:
-95% of present buying and wrapping
-Nearly all the food
-All the decorating including buying a tree and getting it up and decorated
-General big tidying

I do
-All the cleaning before, during and after
-Organising school Christmas stuff; nativity costumes and tickets, what day to send in Xmas jumpers etc
-Making Christmas pudding

If he suddenly wasn't around I would do my best to step up but my children's Christmasses would definitely be the lesser. I have no eye for picking presents or the extra bits like having extra snacks and stuff in ans have zero idea where to even start with the cooking side of it

@ChristmasGrump5 I totally agree with you, but still he isn't too fussed about it, even if for the kids. I think there's a cultural difference for us. He grew up in another country where food on the table truly is what they were grateful for on Christmas Day, so he doesn't really see the hype around "buying for the sake of buying" as he puts it. Whereas for me, I remember Christmas being magical waking up to thoughtful presents and a day filled with family.

He actually has bought one present for DS this year, but not with the intention of it being for Christmas. DS has taken an interest in football lately, so he bought a football net they saw when out shopping and intended to give it to him straight away (last week). I said you're not giving him such a big gift three weeks before Christmas. He said DS had seen it now, what's the point. I said you "send it to Santa" and he'll decide if it gets delivered.

Alas, it is disappointing that he doesn't really care about keeping the magic of Christmas alive, but I'm happy to do it for the DCs.

Mine does lots:
Sorts buying the tree, and sets it up, ready to decorate
Buys and writes all own cards
Does the elf on the shelf
Buys and wraps all presents for his family (his gift wrapping is better than mine, as he adds bows and ribbons and stuff)
Buys his own gift to give to DD (she’s his step DD), which is always well chosen and thoughtful
Does the big food shop
Does the Christmas dinner if we’re hosting (last year he cooked for 17)

Note that he’s my second husband!!
OP, if yours doesn’t put in much effort at other times of the year either, I’d be considering my options if I were you! Seriously, who wants to be with a fun sponge?!

Mine doesn't do much at all, presents etc have always been my department which doesn't really bother me as he's a bit of a tight misery guts and I'm not so I'd rather be able to spoil to my hearts content

My DP did the lights. Kids mostly sorted the tree and other bits. I took it all out the loft…

He buys for his family and I buy for mine. We chose some bits together for our shared DC. He’s organised the visits to his family. I do main food shop / food plan over the festive period. he will sort drinks and any extra trips to the shop. This last bit is largely just how our family is ran

My OH will research some pressies for the kids and his parents. Wrap the presents with me. He will write his family cards. He gets the tree set up for us to decorate and will put up the outside lights. When we've hosted, he will help prep and cook the meal with me.

Do other husbands get cross if you get stressed?

I buy gifts as I am wonderful at that and love it! We share the wrapping. He does the tree and decorations. We share the cards.
He makes all the food on Xmas day and I do the pudding. He enjoys sorting Christmas music too.

The kids are a priority and we like making them happy. Even now they are young adults. They always say they love ‘home at Christmas’ and the gifts don’t matter.

How sad for you OP. You and the kids deserve better. At least they have you.

My DH purchases and wraps DS' presents (I do DD's). He does his other two children too, we do the food shop together and he does all of the cooking on Christmas (and every other day to be fair). We do equal for each other, although I provide a list for him, which he can choose to buy from or not; he never gives me ideas!

No.

I love Christmas so I'm happy to do the bulk of the work. We have DD and he has 2 teen kids. I do all the Christmas presents but he does the birthday presents so it works out equal over the year. I do most of the prep but he's willing to help whenever I need him. If we host Xmas day, he does half the work too. He also gets me lovely presents as I do for him too.

And once again, so so pleased I'm single.

How does it make alright if everyone else's husband is similarly shit?

I have a feeling many many women when finally divorced/free will regret not doing it sooner.