To get resentful at Christmas- how much do other husbands do?

[ChristmasGrump5]

My husband does nothing towards Christmas. He doesn’t buy a single present,card, food or drink, wraps nothing,doesn’t do any meal planning or make anything either. He likes buying a Christmas tree. Puts the lights on and that’s it. He doesn’t like the stress Christmas causes and says he can do without it. Does nothing towards birthdays either for the same reason. Doesn’t get that actually his kids like Christmas and birthdays and somebody needs to sort both. We both work full time and have older teen kids. Every Christmas he gets angry at me for getting stressed because I do everything. If I ask him to take things to the post office that I have bought and wrapped he moans. I try not to show my stress and manage most of the time however if I show an iota of stress in any way he gets shouty saying we shouldn’t have Christmas , I choose to do it,he doesn’t like it and can do without it.

I have pared it down to the bare minimum . We don’t go anywhere, or do loads of things and I try to keep the budget down so we don’t spend a lot. I just send presents, small but thoughtful ( pared right down), make a Christmas cake, stockings for the now adult kids and us,get in nice food.However sorting it when working full time is a lot when you do it single handed.

I’m starting to feel resentful and pretty much hate it myself now. I don’t do anything nice and Christmassy because it adds to the stress of fitting everything in. So can I ask what do other husbands do towards Christmas? What is the norm? Do they support you if you do it all, are you able to voice stress about it?

I might be the slacker in my family. My DH is far more organized than I am so he does a lot of the admin & task assigning.
-We each manage gifts (from us & from the DC) for our respective parents plus often a couple of Secret Santa or White Elephant gifts depending on who we’re celebrating with that year. We do family gifts for our siblings’ families that we come up with together, but I usually do the actual buying/reserving. I’m in charge of finding & stocking “cupboard gifts” for us both to pull from for host gifts or such and I handle gifts for teachers, our nanny, etc.
-DC gifts (for 7) are split about evenly. I probably do more idea-generating while he wrangles lists, places orders and tracks what’s left to buy. We both buy something for each other & collaborate with the DC on something to each (usually a collective gift). He makes sure his oldest 2 have gifts for their mum. I do stockings and Christmas Eve books with assistance from our older DC.
-I do all wrapping unless it’s from me. Gifts from Santa are stashed at his parents’ house & he handles the to and fro.
-I lead recipe selection & cooking for holiday meals but he precision plans the execution like a military operation and does all the shopping (and shopping list creation), then cleans up after me as I work. He bakes (thank god, I don’t have the patience). Our DC all help with prep & cleaning as well. I handle snacks/goodies/nibbles, he stocks beverages. He makes sure we don’t run out of toilet paper or whatnot with everyone home and guests in and out.
-He does breakfasts during school holidays and handles lunches for the stretch our nanny is on holiday. I do more dinners and bedtime tasks to offset some, but he still picks up most of the extra load when DC are off school.
-He manages outdoor decorating, I do indoor (lots of DC help there so my job’s gotten easier over the years)
-I handle travel arrangements to see my family (int’l) on years we do that, and make any specific plans with my family for while we’re there. He’s the keeper of the master schedule for the household (including what guests are coming when, childcare needs, coordinating with our oldest two’s mum since we share custody, and making sure I don’t double book us in two separate countries like that one year… oops). I pack for myself and the littles while he packs for himself, supervises the middles doing theirs, and gives instructions to the teens.

Mine cooks Christmas dinner and usually rejects any help. He likes the peace of the kitchen while I watch Home Alone with the kids who are very excited and field their bickering, find batteries for their new stuff etc.

He also goes to get the tree and puts it up (i help with that bit as it's always massive) and remembers to top up the stand with water, which i would forget.

When we do a day trip to my parents he does all or most of the driving. I can drive but don't particularly like it.

He gets my presents including stocking gifts (we all have a stocking!) and wraps them. I do give him a list but I'm happy with that as I get the stuff I want - he will pick a couple of small surprises like a bracelet he thinks i would like etc. He will get a few bits for the kids if he spots things he thinks they would like or if it's a year where one of them is getting some tech like a new phone or laptop he will research and buy that.

He doesn't have any family left apart from his brother who is on benefits and prefers a cash gift but he did sort their presents when they were still around.

I do pretty much everything else. I've done Christmas dinner twice since we married, I think I just wanted to prove I could, but now I feel he should cook because I make everything else happen. Sometimes he teases me and asks if I'm cooking dinner this year and I say "ok if you swap for everything on my list of jobs" and he looks faintly terrified and realises what a good deal he has.

Sometimes I idly wonder what sort of Christmas they'd have if I kicked the bucket. I think he'd still get a tree and let the kids decorate it and they'd have a turkey dinner. But he'd probably take them shopping to choose their own presents or give them money instead.

Mine does almost 50-50 and takes the lead on food planning buying and cooking. I have in the past taken the lead on present buying for the kids and a little bit for his family if I see something they'd like. This year I have expressed that I'm stressed about presents and he has helped me plan them together. Sad to see there are so many useless men abusing their partner's labour on this thread.

I usually do the bulk of the present buying but I ask him to get involved if I need help picking things or ideas, but I do most of the buying. I would say we split wrapping but he usually does more. Any in person shopping we do together. Food shopping again, I usually arrange if its online but anything needed in person is either shared or he does. He decorates mostly as im completely unfussed about decorating but might get involved. Usually he does christmas dinner, I might help out but he does a lot of the cooking. Any going out to post things, he does on the way to work.

I was thinking of posting this exact rant myself OP!!!

My DH gets more and more hands off each year!

He moans about the cost of everything I buy, I try and keep costs down and I'm about one more comment from losing my 🤬with him and telling him Xmas is cancelled this year!!!!! 🙈

My DH helps with everything, except actually ordering the gifts for the kids, I do that but we consult eachother first.
He cleans, he does the big Christmas grocery shop, he orders the turkey, he cooks Christmas dinner, in fact he does most of the food over Christmas.
I realise reading posts like this how lucky I am. But to me we are in a partnership, so everything we do is done as a team,to make our family's Christmas a really happy one that I hope my kids will remember through the years. Not going to winter wonderlands or big gestures, but seeing their mum and dad putting in equal effort.
I'm sorry your husband has made you feel this way, but I wouldn't have accepted it all those years.

My kids are younger than yours but we are largely 50/50. I am obsessed with Christmas so I buy presents BUT I tell him what I am getting, we decide on Santa gift together etc. We wrap together. We decorate as a family and he does all the outside stuff.

We plan the food together, he mainly buys/cooks apart from Christmas dinner that I do with some help from him.

He doesnt care for cards but I make him write his mother and sisters, I do the rest. He will get cards and gifts for me from the kids.

In general though, he enjoys Christmas so isn't much of a chore for him.

Was DH like this when your kids were small?

DH doesn't do a huge amount of prep - this year he's ordered the wine, and will buy presents for me, and for teen DSD (who no doubt will just want cash so that's easy!). He will help with decorating if I ask but I prefer to do it on my own, I just ask him to do anything where I can't reach! He will also do his fair share of cleaning, cooking etc over the days themselves, but I have more time off than he does and I WFH so I will naturally do a bit more in the runup. He will do any last minute trips to the shop if I've forgotten anything, he doesn't mind battling the hordes whereas I hate it!

But - we both have very small families, we spend Christmas alone so it's quite low key and he is very happy for his side to get something that can be chosen online and sent by post (usually some kind of hamper / food and drink gift), which takes me about 10 mins to do, so I don't mind.

My DH would love to be in charge of the food shopping. The reality of that would be Christmas Dinner being more akin to a full English breakfast or a buffet made up of pickled eggs, pickled onions cheese and crisps. There would be plenty of food don't get me wrong , he is perfectly capable of spending £200 on a weekly shop we wouldn't starve, but neither would we eat anything remotely resembling a conventional meal.

I am full of admiration for these couples and families who make sure that the effort put into a successful and memorable Christmas is as even and equitable as possible. I envy you. I parked Christmas thirty years ago after a disastrous Christmas Eve and I'm single. If I hadn't and if I wasn't, I would want to play my part and would make sure I did. I could not bear to be the spectator my Dad was while Mum did so much. No way.

So you feel able to ask him "could you do x this year?" Or would that just cause more trouble (or weaponised incompetence you have to fix...)?

DH doesn't do much but I'm very type A and like it that way. This year he's actually proudly announced that he has bought me a gift (usually I pick it and buy it, he just pays). He has to do presents for his family and he often forgets, but they know that's all him soo no blow back on me.

Mine will do what I tell him to do, which is annoying because he should have an idea what needs doing himself. Doesn’t do presents as we’d end up with utter shit. He wouldn’t put much thought in.

He’s helped do the decorations so far, he’ll help clean, and we’re going out Xmas day so not much to do there.

OP what strikes me is that you don't seem to like Christmas much either? Although I do nearly all of it is enjoy it.

Thete are some stress cutters - for instance for friends and family far away who need gifts sent just use online orders that can be sent directly to them. This avoids the post office! We have a lot of family abroad and it cuts costs too.

I love cooking Christmas treats but if you don't, just buy them? With cards you can even just get them printed with a ready message if you find writing them too much.

If your children are adults now, I'm just wondering what is really contributing to the stress? There isn't that much to do.

I left exH 2 years ago. I did absolutely everything for Christmas - presents for everyone, all wrapping, Santa visits (alone with 2 DC), food planning/purchasing/preparation, buying the tree, house decorating. I can’t think of one thing he did… Actually I recall he once bought DS a bike at my specific direction (e.g. I told him exactly where to go and what to get). I went to school concerts and crèche Christmas picnics alone.

When eldest DC was born in late November, ex H refused to get a tree so I had to go out and find one a few days before Christmas, 3 weeks after a C section. I also work full time in a very senior professional job.

exH also got (very) angry when I was stressed about the unfairness of this situation and his response was always “I hate Christmas, just don’t do it”. We were an affluent middle class family and his solution to the Christmas workload was just to not do it, which is obviously horrible (and untenable) when you have pre school aged children.

We split 2 years ago and I still do everything alone but (a) I am not seething with resentment about being married to a selfish, mean spirited cunt and (b) my vile MIL no longer crashes my family Christmases (because she had nowhere else to go). I highly recommend @ChristmasGrump5

I also never got a gift and would have to buy them for myself

DH does getting the decorations out of the loft, he's ordered the food and will pick it up, gifts his side of the family and me, he's planned our holiday for new years, put up the outdoor lights. I don't need him to do anything else though, I work part time and I love shopping for DD, and we're not hosting. All food it pre prepared cook in the oven type stuff.

Buy Christmas presents in September/October. Have them all done by 1st Nov. Including having them wrapped.

I'm serious. It takes so much of the stress out of Christmas.

The problem is doing it ALL in December.

Start your food shopping early. You can get a bunch of it in before the last shop. I try and keep the final shop to veg / cheese. Usually we order the meat so that's dead easy (and also one you can just tell your DH to go get). If you do a clear down of the freezer in October/November, you make sure you have space in the freezer.

December itself should largely be about enjoying the activities and not doing all the other shit. The stress coming from the extra activities combined with the extra shops.

So plan accordingly.

Also. You have a feckless husband, who can be told here is some wrapping paper and some sellotape, even if he does fuck all. Don't ask him. TELL him, that's what he's doing for the next hour because you have x, y and z to do and that's his contribution.

Don't be a martyr to Christmas. Plan and delegate.

Mine does nothing except put the outside lights on. I wouldn't trust him to buy any presents but fortunately I love Christmas shopping!

I feel your pain. In the lead up to Christmas I always feel dead inside 😂 because I’m the only one even mentioning its existence. My husband does do stuff but begins being bothered at around 3pm on Christmas Eve when he knows ‘the shops are only open for another couple of hours’ then makes the whole day really stressful because he apparently hasn’t had the time. By that point I can’t be arsed and just enjoy DC opening presents and wait until it’s over.

Mine does absolutely nothing.
This year I refuse to do anything, I’m having steak and chips for Christmas dinner, he can sort out his own or go to his sister’s 🤷🏼‍♀️
I hate Christmas.