AIBU to still be annoyed about my oxbridge rejection years later?

[OneTealEagle]

I got abused at home, played up at school, failed my GCSEs and got expelled at 16. There were no signs of academic potential until about half way through A-levels when I started disregarding everything at home and working hard then ended up finishing A-levels with 4A*.

I never had the confidence to apply to oxbridge, imperial, LSE etc so I'm not sure if I "technically" got rejected or not but I've only got more and more bitter about it with age.

I didn't realise that most of the "state" applicants are actually from grammar schools/top performing comps which have far more in common with private schools than a mediocre/poor comp which I'm sure oxbridge realise and account for. I didn't realise I'd have been flagged up as highly disadvantaged due to FSM, postcode etc and that this would be taken into account.

I didn't realise how many of the applicants are "optimistic" with only 1 in 5 of the applicants actually achieving 3A* in the end.

I was by far the brightest person at A-level and had no-one compare myself to until uni when my lab partner was someone who received and met her offer but turned it down. She was very good but definitely weaker than me and it showed on exams.

Finally, (and this is what has made the regret resurface) I've recently made my first million at 25. I don't think poor = dumb since there are so many societal reasons someone might be poor, however I do think doing this well this young says something.

I thought it was some impossible goal that I would never pull off though if look back now I suspect I would have had a good chance if I had some self confidence (which you can't realistically expect from someone being abused at home, expelled 1 year prior to applications, told to get a job at 16 by parents and originally predicted CCDE at A-level).

I regret it so much and it seems so unfair how something so influenced by parents/school is brought up decades later into your life. AIBU?

There are v v few walks of life these days that would be barred to you by not having an Oxbridge Degree. The effect of the "old boy network" is hugely reduced now and also overstated on here. You should be massively proud of what you've achieved and go on doing what your doing. I see no value in feeling angry or upset about this aspect. It has not held you back clearly.

You certainly are BU to be annoyed by a rejection that never actually happened, yes. That's like me being sad that I turned down Ewan McGregor's marriage proposal... 🤪

I'm sorry but I don't fully understand? You say that you didn't have the confidence to apply to Oxbridge but say you can't get over your rejection? But if you didn't apply then you weren't rejected? Or did I miss something?

I admire the true rejects. They had the courage and guts to give it a go which I lacked.

You could apply now.

I never had the confidence to apply to oxbridge, imperial, LSE etc so I'm not sure if I "technically" got rejected or not

if you’re not sure if you were rejected from a group of universities you never applied for then I’m not sure they were the universities for you in the first place.

I’m really pissed off that Taylor Swift wouldn’t let me headline on the era’s tour with her. Oh no, wait…

So you didn't get rejected because you never applied? Or am I being thick?

But you weren’t rejected!

You would be unreasonable to be bitter about it. If you want to go to Oxbridge apply to do a Masters there.

If it helps OP, I didn't apply either, because I wasn't confident enough. I'll never know whether or not I would have got in. You have to learn to live with it. I haven't been held back, and I think I was happier being a bigger fish in a slightly smaller pond.

There are masters courses you could apply for now - and you would find plenty of people your own age.

Yes I do think the old boys thing is a load of nonsense and vastly overstated. I am far more financially "successful" than any of the oxbridge graduates I know so it hasn't held me back.

Thankyou so much for your kind words.

With respect, if you didn’t apply you weren’t rejected and it’s not very fair to the system or to yourself to frame it as if you had been. Your issue is regretting not applying, not being turned down. Clearly you are very clever and very successful, with or without having been to Oxbridge. Even if you had applied with contextual evidence, you might not have got in, because there are more excellent applications than places.

It’s not clear from your post whether you went to uni elsewhere or not, but either way there are routes to study at oxbridge later in life if you really want to - postgraduate study can actually be easier to access than undergraduate, sometimes. But I think you should think about whether you actually want to study there, and if so why/what (it’s not for everyone) or if this is more the way you have channelled your anger at the raw deal you received in the first place.

I went to Cambridge many years ago and have always had very mixed feelings about it. I think that’s quite common, FWIW.

Sorry maybe it was unclear. I'm not technically a reject since I never applied but I don't see the difference between this and being rejected unless you didn't want to go (I did).

I only phrase it that way to make it more relatable/easy to understand though it looks like that wasn't successful!

I’m really pissed off that George Clooney fell in love with Amal instead of me. Sure, I never met him, just stood beside a few red carpets and looked wistful.

OP honestly your post is totally unhinged!
Opportunities slip by, that’s how life is.

Many people with amazing A levels don’t go to the best universities. They aren’t “right” for everyone. Good Grades are NOT the only ring considered by admissions tutors, although they certainly help. Back when you could have applied, it was probably still entrance exams for Oxford and some students pass that and then don’t put the effort into A levels.

let it go, the bitterness is futile

What do you mean decades later? If you did your A levels at 16 or older and you're 25 now it hasn't been even one decade since you would have applied, let alone decades.

There is a really obvious answer here rather than sit in bitterness and regret.

Apply to Oxbridge now.

Why haven't you?

Could you apply now? If you’ve made a million you could easily afford the fees.

Apply now!

It's not that you were not 'technically' rejected, it's that you chose never to apply. They didn't do you a disservice, you made your own choices and are now bitter about them. Move on! Or apply now. Either way stop being bitter about something you never even tried to make happen.

Yes this. Oxford has come interesting online masters and Cambridge life long learning options. Never too late

But you've done brilliantly without it. Probably better than most that went (I went and I'm a SAHM!). Either go as a mature student or do a masters or just enjoy the success. Does anyone ask where you went to uni? I think your story is achievement enough and make that the headline.

It's not too late.

You don’t see a difference between wanting something but not trying and trying but being rejected? Really? As it’s a really massive difference.

Apply now, if you want to go. Or to Imperial/LSE/UCL. Do the thing.

So your thread should have been 'I didn't have the confidence to apply to Oxford, but still made bank, why do I feel dissatisfied?'

You aren't "not technically a reject" OP. You aren't a reject at all. Come on.

but of course there's a huge difference between applying and being rejected, and never applying in the first place, because you'll never know if you would have got in or not.

You could have applied and been rejected at the first stage. Lots of people with predicted straight A's don't even make it to interview, just because their applications don't stand out.
You could have applied, been interviewed, but been rejected at that point. Again, this is sometimes where state school applicants fail because they simply don't have the polish or experience of grammar/private applicants who know exactly how to play the system. I was amazed when I found out people on my course had had multiple 'mock' interviews with teachers.
You could have applied, been offered a place but decided not to take it up.
You could have been offered a place, started but dropped out.

Who knows? You can't go back in time, only forward. You've clearly done well out of life already. PPs have suggested a masters at Oxbridge if you think it's something you want, and will resent missing out on, why not apply?