AIBU to still be annoyed about my oxbridge rejection years later?

[OneTealEagle]

I got abused at home, played up at school, failed my GCSEs and got expelled at 16. There were no signs of academic potential until about half way through A-levels when I started disregarding everything at home and working hard then ended up finishing A-levels with 4A*.

I never had the confidence to apply to oxbridge, imperial, LSE etc so I'm not sure if I "technically" got rejected or not but I've only got more and more bitter about it with age.

I didn't realise that most of the "state" applicants are actually from grammar schools/top performing comps which have far more in common with private schools than a mediocre/poor comp which I'm sure oxbridge realise and account for. I didn't realise I'd have been flagged up as highly disadvantaged due to FSM, postcode etc and that this would be taken into account.

I didn't realise how many of the applicants are "optimistic" with only 1 in 5 of the applicants actually achieving 3A* in the end.

I was by far the brightest person at A-level and had no-one compare myself to until uni when my lab partner was someone who received and met her offer but turned it down. She was very good but definitely weaker than me and it showed on exams.

Finally, (and this is what has made the regret resurface) I've recently made my first million at 25. I don't think poor = dumb since there are so many societal reasons someone might be poor, however I do think doing this well this young says something.

I thought it was some impossible goal that I would never pull off though if look back now I suspect I would have had a good chance if I had some self confidence (which you can't realistically expect from someone being abused at home, expelled 1 year prior to applications, told to get a job at 16 by parents and originally predicted CCDE at A-level).

I regret it so much and it seems so unfair how something so influenced by parents/school is brought up decades later into your life. AIBU?

I feel like it's something people bring up even when you're 40, 50 etc.

I already have an undergrad degree and don't want to spend any more time in education. I suppose now is the time to admit this is my own fault because I won't do anything about it.

Congratulations in your success to date. All achieved without an Oxbridge degree. If you had applied and got in who knows if you would achieved it.

It's time to let this one go.

You didn't lack guts. It just didn't occur to you as a possibility because it wasn't on your radar or on the radar of those around you. I think you need to give your younger self a pass on that one, and I also think (as someone from a very deprived background who did go to Oxford) that it makes very little difference to the rest of your life for most people. It's perfectly possibly you'd be exactly where you are now regardless of where you studied.

I know someone who ACTUALLY got rejected from Oxbridge, went to another uni and then did her masters at Oxford. It can be done.

Well yes, it is your fault! Also your choice to frame it as a rejection of you, when you were the one who rejected Oxbridge!
I wonder if there is more behind this, perhaps a dissatisfaction with your life as it is now which is hard to pin down?

Who brings it up??? I'm 52 and I honestly can't remember the last time where I went to university came up, other than on my CV.

I voted YABU when I saw you made your first million. Why worry?? I doubt Oxbridge would have improved your life.

I'm older than you and don't have anywhere near 1 million. I DID apply to Oxford from state school with 4 A grades at A-level in the required subjects (when A was the highest grade) - and one additional AS at grade B - and didn't even get an interview.

How can we make Oxbridge do better for the younger generation of state school kids?

Yes it's sad you didn't get pushed at the time, it's sad you didn't feel you could apply...

But this is utter nonsense op. You didn't apply, you don't want to go back, you have a successful career. What are you looking for here?

I stayed on to do a postgraduate degree and there were a few fellow-postgrads living out their belated Brideshead fantasies like mad.

Sorry but I don’t believe that if you made a million by 25 and are highly successful that your feelings of inadequacy are related to some random elite unis. More likely it’s related to your difficult upbringing and very complex trauma around that and you should seek therapy to fulfil your happiness potential. Nobody gives a damn about some Oxbridge accolades. In fact, anyone caught up on that years later has clearly not achieved more later on.

Well you weren't rejected if you didn't apply, you made that decision yourself.

I had several school friends who were predicted to get, and did get all As and 2 x S1s at A level (before A* was a grade), who didn't get offers or in some cases, even an interview. I got an offer and went. I wasn't cleverer than the others, probably less so.

It was hard. 3 x 8 week terms leaves very little time for anything other than study. Everyone else is cleverer than you (or that's what it feels like). On the plus side it looked good on my CV and no doubt helped me get jobs. On the downside I had no time to "network" with my peers, who included the likes of Demis Hassabis.

Friends who went to Exeter/Bristol/Durham or similar had a more fun uni experience and also got good jobs and have good careers.

Sorry it's clear I phrased it poorly now. I wanted to go at 18, would have been a realistic applicant, didn't have the courage to apply but went and did an undergrad degree at another good but not great university.

I am self employed and can't think of any course there which would benefit my career or that I'd particularly enjoy. I think a lot of these feelings are due to associating it with my childhood which was obviously a very unpleasant time.

You could do a masters, which is much shorter.

If the regret is going to sit with you for a long time, this could help bring lifelong satisfaction. You'll never have to feel bad again about not having applied. You'll be an Oxbridge grad.

I spent much of my childhood in the care system. When I was with my family, my life was very difficult because of my father's heavy-drinking and violence and my mother's mental illness.
I applied for Oxbridge and got in.
If you have any sadness, perhaps it could be that you didn't come across the right teacher at the right time or some other encouragement to apply. If it wasn't for a sixth-form teacher who told me to apply, I might not have considered it.
You've been successful and other posters are correct that an Oxbridge degree doesn't guarantee the same advantages it once did. But, there is something remarkable about Oxbridge - from the tutorial system which meant that I spent each week discussing my work, one-on-one, with the absolute experts in the field, to the incredible beauty and history of the buildings - that is different from other university experiences. It is sad that you didn't experience that, if it was something you wanted.

It’s not the fault of Oxford, Cambridge, LSE etc as you didn’t apply so in no sense did any of them reject you. Def let go of that feeling.
But it isn’t wholly on you either. You had a really crappy time as child and the accumulation of this and coming late to academic success, along with believing the unfair word-on-the-street that “oxbridge isn’t for the likes of me” combined to put you off applying. Blame your preconceptions, which are to some extent the fault of culture and probably people around you not being as supportive as they should have been and encouraging you.

But the great news is that you have done fantastically. Likely you’d have done so wherever you went, as you must have had a real inner motivation and inherent skill. You don’t need any chips on your shoulder or worries that you’ll be thought of as less than. Nobody cares, it’s all about looking forward. FWIW I did go to Cambridge, don’t earn like you are doing, and tbh try to conceal it because I don’t want people to think I’m up myself. You are doing great - be proud of yourself!

You didn’t apply but I get you - you’re angry that nobody spotted your potential. Your failed GCSEs and poor predicted grades would have meant no school would have encouraged you to apply though and you would not have got an interview. You could have taken a year out after A levels and applied when you might have been successful.
But you did go to university (not sure where) so you obviously did apply somewhere. And now you’re a millionaire at 25 so life must be pretty sweet. How have you made a million by the way?

Nobody brings up uni when you’re 50. And they certainly don’t bring up the uni that you didn’t go to (because you didn’t even apply). That would be an odd conversation.

If you don’t want to do anything about it, then that’s on you. It’s not ‘your fault’ because there’s nothing to be anyone’s fault. Nothing actually happened.

You weren't rejected - you didn't apply!

Do you feel pissed off every Saturday morning when you haven't won the Euromillions despite not having bought a ticket?!

Joking aside, you need to be pragmatic about this. You didn't apply to Oxbridge so you weren't rejected. But you have a degree so well done because there are lots of people who don't (me included!). Focus on what you have achieved rather than what you have not.

Same. It’s worse for me, I was also technically rejected from all the Ivy League ones.

You weren't rejected - you didn't apply.

It sounds like you've done well academically and professionally, so why waste precious time and energy ruminating on something from the past that didn't happen? Channel your inner Elsa about this one.

You'll never be happy if you aren't content with what you have.

I was in the same situation - but I did actually apply and didn't get offered a place - but it didn't bother me as much as you seem to be bothered by it.

However, there's an easy way around it which is to just sign up for one of their short courses. There are plenty on business and business-related things. The only barrier is money. You can stick it on LinkedIn as uni of Cambridge/Oxford.

Oxbridge isn't widely regarded as it once was, there was even an official committee inquiry about it because politicians are worried. Most people are choosing to go to Harvard etc instead.

Hi OP
I just wanted to say, sorry you had such a rough start, and well done for recovering and for your success.

Sometimes we miss an opportunity because of the things we were dealing with at the time, but please don't regret how things have panned out. Sounds like you have a very bright future ahead of you.

Do a masters.

Being bitter won't help you it just eats you up eventually. I'm incredibly impressed by you.

OP respectfully are you sure it’s the not applying for Oxbridge that bothers you? It sounds like you had an utterly crap time of it and really needed some one in your corner to push you, believe in you and shoot high (or in this case aim for Oxbridge)

You shouldn’t have had to go through all you did and I am sorry you did. It sounds like you have done incredibly well now.