AIBU to still be annoyed about my oxbridge rejection years later?

[OneTealEagle]

I got abused at home, played up at school, failed my GCSEs and got expelled at 16. There were no signs of academic potential until about half way through A-levels when I started disregarding everything at home and working hard then ended up finishing A-levels with 4A*.

I never had the confidence to apply to oxbridge, imperial, LSE etc so I'm not sure if I "technically" got rejected or not but I've only got more and more bitter about it with age.

I didn't realise that most of the "state" applicants are actually from grammar schools/top performing comps which have far more in common with private schools than a mediocre/poor comp which I'm sure oxbridge realise and account for. I didn't realise I'd have been flagged up as highly disadvantaged due to FSM, postcode etc and that this would be taken into account.

I didn't realise how many of the applicants are "optimistic" with only 1 in 5 of the applicants actually achieving 3A* in the end.

I was by far the brightest person at A-level and had no-one compare myself to until uni when my lab partner was someone who received and met her offer but turned it down. She was very good but definitely weaker than me and it showed on exams.

Finally, (and this is what has made the regret resurface) I've recently made my first million at 25. I don't think poor = dumb since there are so many societal reasons someone might be poor, however I do think doing this well this young says something.

I thought it was some impossible goal that I would never pull off though if look back now I suspect I would have had a good chance if I had some self confidence (which you can't realistically expect from someone being abused at home, expelled 1 year prior to applications, told to get a job at 16 by parents and originally predicted CCDE at A-level).

I regret it so much and it seems so unfair how something so influenced by parents/school is brought up decades later into your life. AIBU?

A PhD can be used in a business though. My business uses the skills from my doctorate. Do you still feel they might reject you if you applied for a masters or PhD?

Hi OP. I work in a specialist field that means I regularly assess applicants for top-tier roles at some of the most competitive companies you can think of. I have interviewed many, many Oxbridge graduates over the years and can tell you for sure that it doesn't matter anything like as much as you seem to think (others have already articulated well the changing shifts in the working world that account for this). What does matter, time and again, is the kind of raw capability and grit that you seem to have. Over time, that will take you far further than any degree from any institution.

You also haven't said anything that suggests you are lamenting missing out for positive reasons (academic challenge, etc.), you seem only concerned by the negative past experiences and other people's possible perceptions. It is within your power to just throw those ideas out and focus on the life you want to lead. I would really encourage you to celebrate what you've achieved and not to let bitterness creep in. You've done brilliantly at only 25; who knows what else you could still do?

I actually agree with you. What happens in the years from age 0-18 really really makes a mark on your life forever. I am similar to you OP, except I never made a million. I was the brightest in my year by many miles but home life was a shit show.

However, I try to frame it like this: I was dealt a very difficult hand, but I have handled it with uncommon grace.

As have you.

This.

How is your first million relevant ? Anyway, now that you mentioned it, you might as well mention how you made it ?

I definitely don't think it's the fault of the universities or even my school since they encouraged me to apply and brought it up with me

So it's not even the fault of your school or due to lack of knowledge about the opportuity. They actually encouraged you to apply but you didn't because you had poor mental health.

This thread makes no sense.

I can understand you feeling bitter about your circumstances growing up and that it was a constant battle, and that you only found your academic calling at A Level. Life is unfair and we are dealt a hand at birth. What you were dealt with was tough and it’s a shame nobody spotted your potential sooner and guided you in the direction of an Oxbridge application.

But, you weren’t rejected so you need to reframe that in your head. I had the grades to go to Oxford and didn’t apply. It has never occurred to me to blame Oxbridge for this though.

I don't really understand why you are stuck with feelings of regret. Your life has moved on and you didn't need an Oxbridge degree to succeed. Are you regretting not having a go? Thousands of students have the grades to go, but only a small percentage make it. Their system of teaching doesn't suit everyone.

Personally I think it's a poison chalice and the workload is anxiety inducing. But my son is having a go and has passed the entrance exam and had an interview. When I asked "why?" he said he wanted to know if he could compete with the best. No regrets even if rejected. We are state school, not grammar. School in bottom 40%.

It sounds like whichever path you did take has turned out to be very successful for you. There's a chance that oxbridge might have destroyed your confidence (I know soooo many very intelligent people who dropped out with nervous breakdowns) and you might not be where you are now.

Also, Oxbridge best suits pure academics. From your lack of interest in pursuing any further education, I'm not convinced that oxbridge would have been the best fit for you.

I understand your frustration that your potential was not recognised until fairly late. But your work achievements have eclipsed your university at this stage. I would try and let this go now.

You can be rightly proud of everything you have achieved though the odds were stacked against you.

You can rightly feel aggrieved at the family members and school staff that held you back or wrote off your potential.

YABVU if you resent the universities that you didn't even apply to. If you're only mid-20s now you would certainly have been eligible for all sorts of widening-participation routes that exist to make it easier for those from challenging backgrounds to overcome the barriers that aren't there for students who are from supportive and comfortable homes. It's sad that you didn't know this but part of the issues with family and school, not the universities' fault.

You might well benefit from doing an MBA at a prestigious university. They are expensive but they are aimed at giving capable and intelligent people like you who are already successful, the rocket fuel needed to go even further. Given that you have already made your first million you must have immense potential that an MBA would help you harness.

Oh who cares about Oxbridge! You’ve clearly demonstrated your ability to succeed, regardless of which university you went to or not. At such a young age, you’ve already achieved more than some people do in a life time. University is not a guarantee of success in life. You made your own success. Keep trusting your self and your own abilities.

Are you sure it's bitterness you feel @OneTealEagle? Could it rather be anger at the shitty hand you were dealt at the start of your life? No matter how much you earn now you have every reason to be angry that the people who should've loved, nurtured and protected you didn't.

Didn't Huw Edwards use this as an excuse ?

You have a sense of having missed out on something but you don't know what to do with it. . .may I make a suggestion? Read. Find a subject that inspires you - psychology in the workplace, maths, Aztec history, whatever you like and read, just for fun and interest. You'd do it in your spare time, so it wouldn't divert energy from your job (and might even galvanise you by giving you new ideas) but it might just give you a sense if where you might like to go in the future. You can't learn everything you need in life from a book, but there are times when there's nothing like a good book.

LOL is it Ruby Granger?

If you had applied you would have been rejected because of your failed GCSEs

If it is really bothering you that you didn’t
have the confidence to apply, but you don’t want to go to Oxbridge yourself anymore, maybe you could do mentoring or do other volunteer work supporting young people in difficult life circumstances build confidence and go for Oxbridge / similar opportunities and give them the knowledge and confidence you didn’t have

I sort of share your feeling OP. From an average northern comprehensive I didn't apply, but my friend did, and came top of their year in a STEM subject. A few years later we ended up doing similar PhDs at the same University, Imagine how inferior I felt. However, my friend struggled, but I, in a massive bit of overcompensation published in 'the top' journal and was awarded the prize for the top of the whole university. Now I really really had regrets for not applying.

Next I moved to Cambridge, where I worked with many of their graduates, and never felt equal to them. I also worked with university academics to commission and deliver research. They would proudly describe how their undergraduate course was heavily theoretical and not designed to be practically useful, I smiled and bit my lip. I was beginning to feel I had dodged a bullet. By now I was recruiting and interviewing graduates, and I had to sift through many to find those with useful skills. Outside work my chosen sports club was also the university club, so I met, mentored and trained many students. Yes they were bright, and a few brilliant, but many lacked any other skills, and didn't shine at what was quite an academic and theory based sport.

Years on, now living in Wales, DD1 wants to do a similar subject. We went to a good selection of courses, including "back in Cambridge". In all honesty, the courses at other universities sounded more interesting, but with predicted A*s confirmed in AS levels, DD had to try. I though we'd lived there long enough to know what they were after.... but DD didn't even get interviewed. And in the end, I think DD will have more fun elsewhere. And what of my school friend who was top of the year? They work for a similar company to me, in a no better role.

Life is what you make it, have no regrets OP

Oxbridge should be a place for those who are pursuing a love of an academic subject. I realise historically that hasn't been always true but they are trying very hard now to identify those students who excel academically at a subject. You are an incredible resilient human who has done incredibly well in A levels and is clearly a successful business person to boot. Oxbridge may not have been rhe right place for you? It may not have nurtured your entrepreneurial mindset for example.
So don't waste time regretting paths you haven't taken, especially when the path you have taken has worked out so well for you

Im confused - you didnt apply, but you feel rejected, but now your 25 you've made a million pounds, but still now feel rejected even though you didnt apply?

I think the issue is also not that you didn't have the confidence to apply but that because of your background you weren't encouraged or supported to apply. Also because of your poor gcse results and poor predicted grades your school didn't see any reason to encourage you to apply based on the educational data in front of them. I had excellent O level grades but neither of my parents went to uni and I wasn't even encouraged to do A levels let alone uni. I went back as a mature student later.

Don't write off a Masters yet. A friend has just done hers at Cambridge in her 50s.

On the contrary, I'm certain I could get in for masters (go through the list and apply to something barely anyone applies to) or PhD (self fund something boring no-one wants to do for a professor who wants grunt work). ;)

if you want a serious answer though, I have no idea if I could get in for a relevant masters/PhD but I am certain that the time spent studying could be used far more effectively if my aim is making money.

This was my belief at the time and the main reason I didn't apply. I later learnt that they don't use them at all for shortlisting and even offers is based on entrance exam + interviews. That seems to have changed now.

Hi OP

I went to Oxbridge. I have been disabled all my life and went to a state school that was theoretically low performing. It had a policy of almost never excluding anyone, and regularly took pupils who had been excluded from elsewhere, as well as a large cohort of kids who didn't speak English when they joined. So results were low compared to other schools locally. But they were very supportive of harnessing whatever potential pupils did have, so the low results were higher than they might have been. And occasionally someone went to Oxbridge, and bright kids were encouraged to apply. I did, and got in.

The difference, I guess, is my parents were very supportive and so was my school. My college was pretty supportive when I got there too.

I'm glad I went but it wasn't the easiest life experience.

I am in my 40s now and have a good life: decent job, great friends etc. I am solvent and financially secure - which a lot of lifelong disabled people aren't - and count myself very lucky. Honestly, I wouldn't say my Oxbridge degree has played a huge part in that, tho I don't know what would have happened if I'd gone to a different uni.

I do get the frustration at not applying and not having been encouraged to apply. It's a particular sort of university experienced, with very short terms and high workload. My best friend from university married someone from our year. Their 18 year old son has just gone to uni - NOT Oxbridge - and they are shocked by how few essays he has written so far! Some people love that environment, and some hate it. Another good friend of mine left after 18 months because she hated it, took a year out, completed her degree elsewhere and did incredibly well there.

Having an Oxbridge degree hasn't protected me from things like experiencing discrimination in the workplace, it's not a shield, I've had hard times in my career and sometimes wonder why I work at all, tho I know it's because I have a better lifestyle than I would if I relied on benefits, although it's tough.

I have no way of knowing what would have happened if I'd gone somewhere else, and I get that your frustration is not knowing what would have happened if you had, because you were never encouraged to apply. But you're in your 20s, you've made a million. Are you happy? Because it's worth celebrating the life you've got now.

I think that looking back, with hindsight, and regretting that you didn't realise your full potential when young can be natural.

However, the gradual realisation that you might be great and the drive to reach each step, one at a time, has got you to a pretty good place.

This careful, reflective approach which was cautious with your fragile self esteem is the other side of the coin from where these regrets live - you have clearly learnt from each experience as you went along. I think this has been better for you than overflowing with confidence at your first success, don't sell yourself short.

Had you actually applied and been rejected, it might have set you back. Had you got in and gone and felt like you didn't fit, it might have set you back. Had you gone and ended up immersed in an obscure area of study, you'd be poorer than you are now.

You've made good decisions, that have worked well, don't beat yourself up for a decision at 17.