AIBU to still be annoyed about my oxbridge rejection years later?

[OneTealEagle]

I got abused at home, played up at school, failed my GCSEs and got expelled at 16. There were no signs of academic potential until about half way through A-levels when I started disregarding everything at home and working hard then ended up finishing A-levels with 4A*.

I never had the confidence to apply to oxbridge, imperial, LSE etc so I'm not sure if I "technically" got rejected or not but I've only got more and more bitter about it with age.

I didn't realise that most of the "state" applicants are actually from grammar schools/top performing comps which have far more in common with private schools than a mediocre/poor comp which I'm sure oxbridge realise and account for. I didn't realise I'd have been flagged up as highly disadvantaged due to FSM, postcode etc and that this would be taken into account.

I didn't realise how many of the applicants are "optimistic" with only 1 in 5 of the applicants actually achieving 3A* in the end.

I was by far the brightest person at A-level and had no-one compare myself to until uni when my lab partner was someone who received and met her offer but turned it down. She was very good but definitely weaker than me and it showed on exams.

Finally, (and this is what has made the regret resurface) I've recently made my first million at 25. I don't think poor = dumb since there are so many societal reasons someone might be poor, however I do think doing this well this young says something.

I thought it was some impossible goal that I would never pull off though if look back now I suspect I would have had a good chance if I had some self confidence (which you can't realistically expect from someone being abused at home, expelled 1 year prior to applications, told to get a job at 16 by parents and originally predicted CCDE at A-level).

I regret it so much and it seems so unfair how something so influenced by parents/school is brought up decades later into your life. AIBU?

Why don't you apply there to complete your PhD? You are still very young.

I regretted my poor performance at interview for Cambridge when I was young. Years later I took a job working there. In all honesty I was a bit disappointed with the university! and with hindsight I'm very glad I didn't do my undergrad degree there! I loved my undergrad degree at a middle of the road uni!

Cambridge was not full of unusually clever and gifted people as I'd assumed - though of course there are some! (but really not many!) The majority were simply normal people from privilege whose grades represented a lot of hard work (rather than natural intelligence), sometimes tutors, and often family support and expectation.

The teaching at Cambridge wasn't much better (in fact I'd say in some cases worse) than my middle of the road undergrad university.

It's a beautiful place, lovely buildings, incredible library, a lot of history (and I'm sure Oxford is the same) that is very inspiring as you walk around. But I don't think I'd have enjoyed studying an undergrad there. Lots of pressure, no time (and not allowed by the uni) for part time work (I worked full time throughout my full time undergrad degree!) and the people (while some were fantastic) were quite different from me, different backgrounds and some quite stuffy.

Don't regret your life choice. You made the choices you made due to who you were and the experiences you had at that time. Who knows, if you went to Oxford you might not have made your million!

Oxbridge is ok, but not everything! and not right for everyone either!

Gutted that Aidan Turner didn’t accept my marriage proposal 😜

I think you're amazing OP! Incredible achievements that you should be so proud of 👏 Your hard work paid off and that is the main thing imo.
I don't understand what you mean by 'being brought up later in life'. I don't think it will be surely, bar a passing 'Where did you go?' This was the path for you, you carved it out yourself and you have succeeded.

I can see where you’re coming from to an extent, but your path could have been completely different had you gone. You may not have found the success that you have now, and while you could call yourself Oxbridge alumni, you very well may not be able to call yourself a millionaire in your 20s!

Just a different perspective to think about.

As a side note, really keen to know what you do for a living!

It sounds like you had a terrible start to life, and you then made something of yourself without anyone "spotting" your potential and helping you out. It sounds like you had it really, really hard, I'm sorry.

I think you're rightfully angry. I think some of your anger about the Oxbridge thing might be misplaced, but don't we all get angry about things that may actually only be a side issue? Totally understandable.

Congratulations on your success.

With respect OP, but it sounds like you've done ok for yourself but are desperate to prove your worth. Going to Oxford wouldn't have proved to yourself that you are worthy and that you are smart. That sort of self acceptance has to come from within. Just as likely that had you gone, you'd now be bemoaning the fact that you never felt that you had the confidence to join this or that society, or this or that study group, or that because of your background you lacked the connection that the others had, or that you had to work over the summer while everyone else did free internships.

I understand, by the way. I wasn't abused but I went to a bad university, got bored and dropped out. Later on went back and eventually did a PhD. Or course I regret the years that I wasted fucking around in shitty jobs rather than at a good university. But it's done, and it wasn't anyone else's fault.

You've made a million at 25? I'm also intelligent yet haven't got anywhere in life and am a single mum on the breadline. I'm not sure what exactly you're angry at - there are other universities just as respected these days. You're doing pretty well to be worrying about the name of university you went to

Me too, come to think of it! 😀

There’s a huge difference. One is because of your choice so you can only be mad at yourself, the other is out of your control / unfair and so you can be mad at the system.

It’s like me saying I can’t get over the fact a rich man didn’t accept my marriage proposal. I never proposed to him, so what is there to be mad at?!

I was upset for many years about not going to Oxbridge. I honestly and truly now don’t care at all and actually don’t think I would have enjoyed it at all. And that’s not saying it to make myself feel better - it’s genuine

i imagine it’s a lot about you feeling like you’ve missed out on being who you think you couod
have been. But at some point you’ll work out you’re actually pretty happy with who you are and then you realise that Oxbridge is of no relevance to your life at all

and if you want to succeed - whatever that means - Oxbridge churns out many people who are dysfunctional and is based on social
steuctures and power systems that are increasingly out of date

You’ve made a million by 25 but are full of regret? You feel rejected by a university you didn’t apply to?

Therapy might be helpful, OP. You sound bitter, confused and confusing.

I think society is a little unreasonable to set too much store by the Oxbridge seal of approval. There are so many factors that can play into academic success, or lack of it, in school and university.

Most thoughtful people will not think less of you for not going to Oxbridge as they understand the complexities of life. They may in fact be rather more impressed by someone who has been able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

OP you don't seem to understand what is meant be a uni application/rejection.
You don't seem to understand what a decade is.

I'm really confused that you claim you've already earned £1m by age 25 but you regret not going to Oxbridge, but you don't really want to go as a mature student.

What is the point of this post?

Life is made up of the choices we make, and generally we make the ones we think are right for us at the time when we are faced with them. No point regretting not making different choices in the past, for one you can't change the past, and secondly, you don't know if that would have been the right choice for you anyway. I went to Oxbridge, from a non-rich, ordinary state school background. It was fine. It was a lot of work and I may have had more fun elsewhere, but I will never know because I made a choice not to go those places. It has not defined my life post-university in any way. I think you are over-idealising the effect it might have had on your life. You are still young and as you get older, you will make many more choices to follow a certain path or not. Don't waste your life dwelling on the other choices, but focus on the ones you make.

I definitely don't think it's the fault of the universities or even my school since they encouraged me to apply and brought it up with me. I also can't say it's cause I thought it was too posh or similar, this didn't put me off. I just had no confidence in myself, awful mental health and didn't believe I could do it.

The saddest part is I honestly believe that I would be in the same situation (self employed) if I never even did A-levels. I know it wouldn't have affected my career but it still bothers me.

So many great and kind replies here I know it is something I need to get over. Thankyou.

Perhaps you could spend some of your cool mill on therapy for that victim complex.

I think it’s safe to say many people from a working class background sees things very differently to you.

This is why private school and elitist routes into Oxbridge are so weighted, unfair and who knows how many bright but similarly disadvantaged children miss out on their potential… so depressing for those of us on the wrong side of the tracks. 😔

Well done on your good fortune though!

I think it just shows how overrated and romanticised Oxbridge is.

Having a million quid and being pissed re Oxbridge is like getting the new car of your dreams but being pissed that you found a stray post-it note on the floor of it.

This. Better to do it with a million under your belt! Mature students get more out of it as they really appreciate the opportunity. It'd be amazing- do it OP!

At that time, because of confidence and your mental health, you were unable to put forward your application, through no fault of your own. Thankfully it hasn't changed the success that you achieved and now you have a bright future ahead.
Does it help to just reframe the it slightly in that way OP? I am full of regrets and it's self torture really so I do feel for you but, kindly, it's done, you can't go back, you can only move forward. You don't want to do further study so it would be best for you to find a way to make peace with this and move on.

I feel like you think that going would have solved all your issues, when in reality it very likely wouldn't at all. Maybe it would have papered over the cracks, but I don't think it would have been a resolution to your childhood trauma. You need to go to counselling. There is absolutely nothing stopping you from going to university now. You have the money, if you want to do it, you can.

With respect to the OP, I am not sure if he or she understands the process of applying to a university.

OP, the premise of your OP is false because you weren’t rejected. You didn’t apply to go there.

OK?

It would not be amazing. It would be quite a few steps backwards.

People bring it up that you didn't go to Oxbridge? Really? Never heard of this. You have a completely pointless chip on your shoulder.