AIBU to still be annoyed about my oxbridge rejection years later?

[OneTealEagle]

I got abused at home, played up at school, failed my GCSEs and got expelled at 16. There were no signs of academic potential until about half way through A-levels when I started disregarding everything at home and working hard then ended up finishing A-levels with 4A*.

I never had the confidence to apply to oxbridge, imperial, LSE etc so I'm not sure if I "technically" got rejected or not but I've only got more and more bitter about it with age.

I didn't realise that most of the "state" applicants are actually from grammar schools/top performing comps which have far more in common with private schools than a mediocre/poor comp which I'm sure oxbridge realise and account for. I didn't realise I'd have been flagged up as highly disadvantaged due to FSM, postcode etc and that this would be taken into account.

I didn't realise how many of the applicants are "optimistic" with only 1 in 5 of the applicants actually achieving 3A* in the end.

I was by far the brightest person at A-level and had no-one compare myself to until uni when my lab partner was someone who received and met her offer but turned it down. She was very good but definitely weaker than me and it showed on exams.

Finally, (and this is what has made the regret resurface) I've recently made my first million at 25. I don't think poor = dumb since there are so many societal reasons someone might be poor, however I do think doing this well this young says something.

I thought it was some impossible goal that I would never pull off though if look back now I suspect I would have had a good chance if I had some self confidence (which you can't realistically expect from someone being abused at home, expelled 1 year prior to applications, told to get a job at 16 by parents and originally predicted CCDE at A-level).

I regret it so much and it seems so unfair how something so influenced by parents/school is brought up decades later into your life. AIBU?

There’s also the fact that the high pressure Oxbridge environment is not the best place for someone who’s got poor mental health already, unfortunately. If you had applied and gone there at a stage in your life where you were vulnerable and unsure of yourself, it might have been a very bad experience. Clever people can find it hard to be surrounded by other people who are all just as clever and seem more confident, and sadly some of them really struggle as a result, particularly if they don’t happen to find a supportive college or friendship group.

A PhD doesn't fit with my ambitions/hopes for life, I'm interested in business instead of academia. I can imagine it is an amazing place to work though and I'm so happy you are doing so well.

people who frame things positively and look forward tend to be happier and more successful.

As others have said, you could've applied with grades in hand, you could've applied for a master's or PHD. You clearly have a talent, as you have done well. But perhaps you have realised it really wasn't necessary to achieve your goals.

Would love to know where you ended up, what you studied, and what you do now.

"I'm also intelligent yet haven't got anywhere in life and am a single mum on the breadline"

How intelligent?

I don’t see the point in being bitter about the past. Focus on the present and the future.

I'm interested in business instead of academia

Why would you actually want to go to Oxbridge? These unis are not well suited to people who are more interested in business than studying. It sounds like you just want an Oxbridge degree so you can tell people you have an Oxbridge degree.

I get it, it’s the lack of opportunity and knowledge when you was at an age when you should have had support and direction to guide you to the opportunity, it’s the rejection of chances.

Similar background and I still feel angry now sometimes, and I’m twice your age.

Despite that you’ve done amazingly well by the sounds of it, it’ll always bug you but you could always apply now?

Ha. We clearly view learning in very different ways. Extrinsic vs intrinsic motivation.

So much confusion

You say 'decades later' but you are only 25

You feel hard done by but you've made a million by 25. Had you gone to Oxford you may have taken a different path and not be where you are now

My mum was academically smarter than me but on benefits because she was mentally ill. There are so many reasons someone can be smart but broke.

Also to be clear I am not saying the person you replied to is mentally ill.

I’d agree. Oxbridge is not full of fascinating geniuses. It’s full of studious but not otherwise remarkable people, the majority of whom will get a 2.1, and probably would have got a 2.1 at a redbrick.

The towns are very beautiful, although Cambridge is cold and windy. There’s a lot of work. Some inspiring tutors, some very average ones. All in all it’s very much oversold and somewhat underwhelming.

OP - what you have achieved is much more remarkable and interesting - and you may have judged it quite correctly that it wasn’t the right place for you at that time in your life.

If you’re interested in business and you want to lay the ghosts to rest why not apply for an MBA at Oxford Saïd Business School?

I think you've garnered from posts that this is something you need to accept and move on from. Could you reach out to your local high school or college and get involved with being a guest speaker or involved in careers fairs, work experience? That way you could help encourage other kids, some of whom may have had similar experiences to yourself. I had the grades to apply, I had parental support in that mine believed in me, I just didn't have enough faith in myself and didn't apply. I don't regret it as I held a part time job and caring responsibilities for grandparents whilst doing a full time degree from a great uni and actually looking back I don't think it would have been the best fit for me on a social or emotional level.

Eh, it's not any form of rejection (technical or otherwise) if you didn't go there because you didn't apply.

You are angry with the wrong people.

Plenty of people, get 3 or 4 A*s and are rejected pre or post interview because there are less places than applicants.

I'd forget it and move on.

I've already got an undergrad degree and at the moment I have no interest in studying for anything else.

Yes I feel like it just isn't fair, although I certainly have a lot to feel grateful for.

Maybe when I retire I could do another undergrad or a phd.

You made your first million by 25. You haven't exactly been held back by not going to Oxbridge.

I did go to Oxbridge. I was from a state school background, the kind of school where people were shot in the thigh with dart guns in PE changing rooms, where the GCSE year had one fewer forms, because so many kids had been expelled.

I went to Cambridge. I hated it. I didn't fit in with the posh kids. The undergraduate teaching is actually rubbish. I think you were better off at the university you went to.

You've done well. Bollocks to Oxbridge.

You're not a reject as you never applied.

You don't sound too bright...

You’re smart enough to know you can’t be rejected if you didn’t apply. Perhaps what you’re annoyed about is starting life on the back foot and feeling like you were denied opportunities as a result?

Stop that! You’re a fucking MILLIONAIRE at twenty-five! You did that by charting your own path. Focus on what you want to achieve next - because I feel like you could do anything.

Edit to add: public speaking and motivational coaching for young people from similar backgrounds would be an awesome charitable endeavour!

Pretty offensive tbh to those of us who did put ourselves through the rigmarole of oxbridge interview and painful rejection for you to be cross about your perception that you were rejected when you didn’t even bother. If you’ve not prepped for the interview, waited for the letter, and read through stinging tears in black and white that you’re not good enough, you’ve not felt it.

that said, I do have some sympathy for you if you feel that the system was stacked against you and that you didn’t have the support to access the interview process etc. as that is a very real thing.

I’ve made my peace some 20+ years later and from time to time get mistaken for an oxbridge grad. Most recently by someone in my wider social circle who was sure I was there 🤣

I didn't expect this response and I'm so grateful for all these wonderful replies/ideas. I need to go for a while now but thank you everyone and I am sorry if I have not replied to you.

I see a few people have asked about my job/education. I am self employed and university was a good one but not great and certainly far below 3/4A* standard.

A lot of people have suggested masters/phd etc but I'm just not interested in studying at the moment.

How did you do A levels if you failed your GCSE’s? Even if you had applied to Oxford there’s no guarantee you would have got a place. All of their applicants are A* students.

So apply now. Prob be better with life experience behind you. They aren't going to invite you to apply so you have the power to do it

This is utterly bizarre reasoning. You didn't apply, and you don't see the difference between that and being rejected?

The way you phrased it was to refer to something that never happened.

Truth matters. You're talking about something that didn't happen.

It's all a bit baffling. You never applied to Oxford, have done phenomenally well in whatever business you do and now you don't want to go there anyway because it's not a fit with your interests but you are still stewing over not having applied there. Am I missing something?

@OneTealEagle FWIW, I think what you have achieved is absolutely extraordinary and hugely impressive. I can see why you feel pissed off that some people have had a huge leg up.

Enjoy your success. Feeling bitter, no matter how justified, will only hurt you. Though I guess you could channel it into mentoring young people who were in your situation?

I really, really admire you.