AIBU to still be annoyed about my oxbridge rejection years later?

[OneTealEagle]

I got abused at home, played up at school, failed my GCSEs and got expelled at 16. There were no signs of academic potential until about half way through A-levels when I started disregarding everything at home and working hard then ended up finishing A-levels with 4A*.

I never had the confidence to apply to oxbridge, imperial, LSE etc so I'm not sure if I "technically" got rejected or not but I've only got more and more bitter about it with age.

I didn't realise that most of the "state" applicants are actually from grammar schools/top performing comps which have far more in common with private schools than a mediocre/poor comp which I'm sure oxbridge realise and account for. I didn't realise I'd have been flagged up as highly disadvantaged due to FSM, postcode etc and that this would be taken into account.

I didn't realise how many of the applicants are "optimistic" with only 1 in 5 of the applicants actually achieving 3A* in the end.

I was by far the brightest person at A-level and had no-one compare myself to until uni when my lab partner was someone who received and met her offer but turned it down. She was very good but definitely weaker than me and it showed on exams.

Finally, (and this is what has made the regret resurface) I've recently made my first million at 25. I don't think poor = dumb since there are so many societal reasons someone might be poor, however I do think doing this well this young says something.

I thought it was some impossible goal that I would never pull off though if look back now I suspect I would have had a good chance if I had some self confidence (which you can't realistically expect from someone being abused at home, expelled 1 year prior to applications, told to get a job at 16 by parents and originally predicted CCDE at A-level).

I regret it so much and it seems so unfair how something so influenced by parents/school is brought up decades later into your life. AIBU?

You could do an MBA at Cambridge or Oxford. You have the money. You have the entrepreneurship and an MBA would make you look very good as a business person.

It sounds as if this is a little bit like the "one that got away". We all have regrets like this because we regret the things we didn't do, not the things we did.

I could have been a contender in many fields. Fortunately I have had a varied and interesting career that has taken me by surprise. I love my life. That's what I'm focusing on.

I sympathise OP.
The rejection letter I got from the University of Reading still annoys me 50 years later. It was also the rudest letter I have ever received!

I'm sorry you had a shitty childhood. That's got nothing to do with some random universities, regardless of how you built them up in your head at the time you felt able to start fixing your life for youself. I'm sorry nobody else made the effort for you. You've made some money, you can make more, so unless you develop a genuine desire to do in-depth studies on 4th century pilgrimages of Norman converts or something similarly obscure, you won't get anything more from Oxbridge universities than you already got from the other university you already went to.

You're clearly smart, so think it through... How are you going to stop fixating on a blip that doesn't matter - and start blaming those who should have protected you as a child so that you weren't so damaged by the time you reached GCSEs? How will you start to process the harms that were caused when you were so tiny? It's OK to look back and love that little girl, to feel anger that she was harmed, and to see what was good or bad in the behaviour of the adults around you at the time. You already built a highly successful life, well done, the armour can drop enough to start to heal those wounds. Good luck and big hugs, I'm so sorry you were hurt and I wish you all the best for healing.

You should be celebrating your successes not dwelling on the what ifs. Would a degree from oxbridge have changed where you are now career wise? I doubt it.

I dunno - OP hasn't expressed the desire to delve deeply into a particular degree subject, unless I've missed it somewhere in the thread. She wants to have been (or to go) to Oxbridge because she's intelligent. So, whilst that motivation might be intrinsic, it's also invalid IMO.

Actually that's not quite correct. They do look at gcses buy in the context of where you sat them. You admit you didn't do well and presumably underperformed what you should have achieved at that school so this would have factored in to any decision they made.

Conversely my son had 8 A* and 2 A at gcse and A level but he still scored negatively for his school as it was a selective school where extra curricular clubs for CompSci, some languages and astronomy etc led to some kids having 12 or 13 gcses.

The reality is your A levels do prove your academic worth/success and your success in business is what you will be using for the rest of your life so that's the real win!

Hello, I come from a FSM background, single parent, dysfunctional household and nearly was expelled from school (only didn’t because I was on track to get GCSEs). I did do A-levels, didn’t achieve the best but went on to do great stuff at uni!

However, please don’t focus on something that hasn’t happened - you’ve done amazing to achieve your first million by 25! That’s absolutely something that most people don’t achieve in their lifetime, especially if you’ve come from a disadvantaged background like mine. You should be so so proud! The odds are often stacked against us, but with determination, hard work and tenacity, it makes us go far!

You weren't rejected though?

If you really want to go you could apply now. DH went to a not that great university after not studying for A levels. He applied for a masters at Durham, Cambridge and LSE and was offered a place at all 3.

It really isn’t. The old boy network is alive and well. This is unbelievably naive.

Just go now instead if you really want to.

I went from a poor, abusive family and I had a terrible time there because it was a misogynist, classist place full of right wing wankers who weren't that bright, just had cosy lives and prep/boarding/grammar school help.

That was a while back, though, so it might have changed. :)

When I went, they asked for your parents' professions, so I lied because I suspected the confidential "just for data" forms were actually there to filter out the poorer applicants.

I was right: I was asked in both interviews about the pretend parental professions I'd made up (computer programmer and artist; real professions: unemployed and activist).

your original post confused me hugely.

I was encouraged to apply as well. I chose not to because I didn't think I'd cope if I got in. The school were so adamant they called my folks in for a meeting to try to persuade me.

I haven't done anything like what you've done and I'm in my 40s.

you could still apply. I don't find it gets brought up unless anyone knows my A level results.

neither of us were rejected. We chose not to apply. But if you want to, you have the time and the money and the ability to make a success of it.

Where is the Oxbridge reject 🤪 and however did she make a million by age 25? She seems to have disappeared……,

You were very unlucky with your Cambridge experience. Sounds like your college wasn't a good fit for you. It was a really long time ago, so I don't remember the details, but I can't remember my parents' jobs ever being mentioned. Nor was my college full of right wing wankers. They were probably there somewhere, but there were plenty of other, nice, normal students to spend time with. Maybe I got lucky with my college. On further consideration, I think a lot of my uni friends' parents were teachers or worked in jobs connected to education.

You must be my age or younger as you reference A*s at A Level - I'm surprised anyone around you is bringing it up, if youre early 20s I imagine that will change very soon as people have more interesting life experiences to brag about
I went to Oxford from a state comprehensive, I enjoyed my degree and time there but a) there were also lots of negatives, including classism, B) the old boys network in my experience is more for the people who already had it via private schools - it's not helped me as far as I can tell, but maybe that's more because I gravitated towards other creative people and others from similar backgrounds, c) no one brings up which uni they went to in my work or personal life

Oh me too, but I couldn’t have married him because I was too busy turning down Tom Hardy’s marriage proposal that he didn’t make either. I’ve been busy.

Well it doesn't sound like not having an Oxbridge degree has held you back? Maybe if you had attended Oxbridge, things would have turned out differently, and you wouldn't be in the position you're in now. Regret/Anger is pointless - move on, you should rather be celebrating the sucess you've achieved despite your difficult early circumstances.

Not at all. The OP had extenuating circumstances. Universities are always wanting people who prove they have the resilience to cope with the workload. GCSEs are relevant when there is nothing else to pain a picture. They offer contextual offers that are lower to those with extenuating circumstances. Someone who actually got outstanding A levels with those circumstances would be a very attractive candidate

@WithManyTot

A few years later we ended up doing similar PhDs at the same University, Imagine how inferior I felt. However, my friend struggled, but I, in a massive bit of overcompensation published in 'the top' journal and was awarded the prize for the top of the whole university. Now I really really had regrets for not applying.
Your regret was totally misplaced. Had you gone to Cambridge for your undergraduate you wouldn't have 'overcompensated' and you wouldn't have been the person who ended up producing the best work in the university at PhD level which is far far more impressive and industry relevant

This is ridiculous.
You weren't rejected. You didn't apply.
You then went on to get excellent A-levels.
You could have taken a gap year and applied at that point.
Instead you went to another university and presumably did very well there. Did you get a first?
You could have applied to Oxbridge at that point for further study. You didn't.
You have since apparently made a million and you are now 25.
You could apply to go now with all that money behind you but don't want to.

You've done very well to make a million and get such good grades when you don't even seem to understand what "rejected" means.

Well done on your achievements but how can you be rejected from a uni you never applied for? I can understand you might be disappointed your school didn't advocate for you to try the big unis, but otherwise it doesn't make logical sense.

I rejected Jeff Bezos's no strings hundred million dollars that he didn't offer me.

How did you make your first million by age 25 when you can't grasp simple logic? Not saying it to be rude, just genuinely interested. Nevertheless you have achieved more than most people. (Assuming this is a genuine thread).

I went to Oxbridge and got a first. I'm now a successful professional.

I've often regretted not doing something else which I think would have suited me more and set me up for a career that I would have enjoyed much more.

I think you are right to be annoyed but not with the universities you didn’t apply for! There’s obviously a lot in your life which didn’t set you up to have the confidence needed to try for that, but really it’s your teachers who I would have hoped to encourage you more. They must have known your abilities and seen your potential and I would have hoped that one of them might have been able to push you to give it a try.