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Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 21:42

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:13

And in true MN style, if you haven’t heard of it, then it doesn’t happen. OK then.

🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Fraaances · 14/12/2024 06:36

Also - Posts for advice about being bullied and gets bullied.

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 07:22

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:18

It’s not prejudice - she explained it in subsequent posts. It was either an area the woman was from or a family - nothing to do with race or ethnicity, as an awful lot of posters assumed. The woman herself introduced it into the situation not OP. How does that make her prejudiced ?

Edited

Prejudice means preconceived ideas 👍 nothing to do with race or ethnicity - which I never mentioned. :-)

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 07:23

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:13

And in true MN style, if you haven’t heard of it, then it doesn’t happen. OK then.

I actually meant it in the sense that it wouldn’t intimated me. Because who gives a fuck where you’re from. I’d just think ooo you’re well hard - coz if that’s what you’re resorting to then you’re clearly not!

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 07:24

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:14

I think she did - didn’t OP say this in her opening post ?

She said she goes around saying it - not that she’s gone up to OP and said it. It sounds like the woman is just an annoyance in general not just specifically to the OP.

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 07:28

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:43

I did read things properly. And if you read my previous posts I’ve used the term ‘unconscious bias’, which is pretty much the same thing as prejudice, or pre conceived ideas - in this case based on what posters thought OP was saying, when in fact she wasn’t. And instead of owning that unconscious bias they’ve continued shamelessly virtue signalling, implying that OP is racist. And all the while failing, as you have, to understand that this isn’t an assumption that OP has made. It was something the woman herself told OP about her heritage, and it was said in a way that anyone with half a brain would recognise as meant to intimidate. So a word of advice. Before you accuse posters of not reading things properly, perhaps make sure your own understanding of the situation is up to scratch.

No, again, you’re not getting it. The OP does come at it with prejudice - she mentioned in the last line of her OP that she has “heritage” (in this case a place). So she must have the notion that that place is rough and all the people from there are bad / nasty / criminal. Otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it. You don’t need to die on a hill for the OP - the fact is she has got some preconceived notions about the people from the woman’s town / city and that is where her prejudice lies.

So word of advice back. Perhaps instead of trying to sound smart, use a bit of critical thinking.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 07:57

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 07:28

No, again, you’re not getting it. The OP does come at it with prejudice - she mentioned in the last line of her OP that she has “heritage” (in this case a place). So she must have the notion that that place is rough and all the people from there are bad / nasty / criminal. Otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it. You don’t need to die on a hill for the OP - the fact is she has got some preconceived notions about the people from the woman’s town / city and that is where her prejudice lies.

So word of advice back. Perhaps instead of trying to sound smart, use a bit of critical thinking.

The woman at the gym says she is from that place, she literally says she's from there so that makes her a fighter, and her uncles (also from there) will come and sort everyone out.
It's not about my impression of the place. She literally says it

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 08:03

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 07:57

The woman at the gym says she is from that place, she literally says she's from there so that makes her a fighter, and her uncles (also from there) will come and sort everyone out.
It's not about my impression of the place. She literally says it

She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me

Then why word it like you did? 🤔 I don’t buy your faux doe-eyed ignorance OP. Anyway, I don’t really care. You continue to paint yourself as an innocent victim who can do no wrong and enjoy your weekend. Even though you haven’t yet, perhaps consider reflecting on some of the replies that don’t fall over themselves to defend you.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 08:05

Hahahhaaha noted thanks

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 08:06

I've never been called doe eyed before flutters eyelashes

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2024 08:47
Exercise Aerobics GIF by Galantis

I'll be honest @Soniastrumpet1984 I genuinely thought that this woman, with the context of this happening in the gym, was doing comedy lunges and taking the piss out of you. Still not nice but a very different vibe from 'pretending to attack you'
Only in the last page have you clarified that.

This behaviour is definitely not acceptable or bants.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/12/2024 08:51

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 08:03

She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me

Then why word it like you did? 🤔 I don’t buy your faux doe-eyed ignorance OP. Anyway, I don’t really care. You continue to paint yourself as an innocent victim who can do no wrong and enjoy your weekend. Even though you haven’t yet, perhaps consider reflecting on some of the replies that don’t fall over themselves to defend you.

But you and other posters are pissed off because OP hasn't fallen over herself to take your 'advice' on board.

There are always posters who think that the OP is fair game and that they can be as rude and insulting as they like, but they get annoyed when the OP bites back.

The 'specific heritage' may have been poorly expressed but OP has since explained many times that this woman is boasting about coming from a place with a particularly rough/violent reputation which makes her a fighter and even mentions her uncles coming to the gym to sort people out.

Some of the replies to OP that 'don't fall over themselves' to defend her have been (a) spectacularly rude, or (b) victim blaming or (c) deliberately obtuse by pretending not to understand why on earth OP is upset by this behaviour.

There is absolutely no obligation for posters to support the OP but equally, there is no obligation for the OP to take any advice on board.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 08:57

Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2024 08:47

I'll be honest @Soniastrumpet1984 I genuinely thought that this woman, with the context of this happening in the gym, was doing comedy lunges and taking the piss out of you. Still not nice but a very different vibe from 'pretending to attack you'
Only in the last page have you clarified that.

This behaviour is definitely not acceptable or bants.

Yeah I think some other posters posted gifs to illustrate etc. I just thought the context was clear from the bully bit, I hadn't thought of a lunge being a gym move too 🙈

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 08:59

If this is all over the word heritage, I wasn't really sure how to explain coming from a town, so I thought heritage covered it

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 09:06

Also I'm definitely taking advice. I said upthread I'm going to do the kindness friendly first thing. If that doesn't work, write to manager

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2024 09:30

Most gyms have cameras so if she keeps up with this weird 'mock attack' it will be very easy for the gym staff to check their recordings.

Re. The 'heritage' description - you have used this incorrectly and cack handedly.
All you need to say is that she's from a really rough estate /part of town where people have to front up or act big just to get by

Rosscameasdoody · 14/12/2024 09:33

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 08:03

She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me

Then why word it like you did? 🤔 I don’t buy your faux doe-eyed ignorance OP. Anyway, I don’t really care. You continue to paint yourself as an innocent victim who can do no wrong and enjoy your weekend. Even though you haven’t yet, perhaps consider reflecting on some of the replies that don’t fall over themselves to defend you.

She worded it that way because that was how it was said to her. This has been pointed out to you many times and you’re still allowing your unconscious bias to get in the way of understanding it. However you, or anyone else personally filled in the blanks is not on the OP, who has explained several times what she meant - you don’t have to ‘buy’ anything.

The responses to OP have broadly fallen into two categories. Those posters who have experienced similar or have understood the situation, and so are supportive to OP and actually offer genuine advice. Then there are those posters who appear to be looking for opportunities to be offended, to virtue signal, victim blame or just be out and out rude as well as utterly obtuse about a clear issue.

You seem to fall into the latter group, while showing utter disdain for the former, describing those posters as falling over themselves to defend OP. So maybe a bit of reflection is needed on your part to find out why you are so angry with anyone who disagrees with you. Maybe public forums aren’t for you if you can’t engage in reasoned debate without resorting to the kind of rudeness you’ve directed at this OP.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/12/2024 09:37

Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2024 09:30

Most gyms have cameras so if she keeps up with this weird 'mock attack' it will be very easy for the gym staff to check their recordings.

Re. The 'heritage' description - you have used this incorrectly and cack handedly.
All you need to say is that she's from a really rough estate /part of town where people have to front up or act big just to get by

I think that’s what OP was trying to say, but was trying not to cause offence even though she was quoting what the woman said herself. MN can be very prickly to navigate, and this thread is a prime example, so l understand her reluctance to just come out and say it. Odds are, if she had, she would still have bee give a hard time.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 09:37

Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2024 09:30

Most gyms have cameras so if she keeps up with this weird 'mock attack' it will be very easy for the gym staff to check their recordings.

Re. The 'heritage' description - you have used this incorrectly and cack handedly.
All you need to say is that she's from a really rough estate /part of town where people have to front up or act big just to get by

OK thank you

OP posts:
JLou08 · 14/12/2024 09:46

I've met a lot of people like this, I do think it's a culture thing and they just don't really know how to socialise in any other way. It's best dealt with with confidence and straight talking, eye contact, smile, laugh along with the banter but when they overstep tell them in a simple way they understand "fucks sake Jane. You need to stop lunging at me, it does my head in" with a smile or laugh.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/12/2024 10:01

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 07:28

No, again, you’re not getting it. The OP does come at it with prejudice - she mentioned in the last line of her OP that she has “heritage” (in this case a place). So she must have the notion that that place is rough and all the people from there are bad / nasty / criminal. Otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it. You don’t need to die on a hill for the OP - the fact is she has got some preconceived notions about the people from the woman’s town / city and that is where her prejudice lies.

So word of advice back. Perhaps instead of trying to sound smart, use a bit of critical thinking.

I get it perfectly thanks. The OP was quite literally quoting what was said to her by this woman - along the lines of ‘don’t mess with me, l’m from (insert place name)’ or ‘l’m a (insert family name) and you don’t mess with us’. OP didn’t introduce her own prejudices, this woman introduced her heritage, or whatever you want to call it, into the situation and OP repeated what had been said in her post, not from her own prejudices, but because what this woman said is integral to the situation. It was meant to intimidate, and OP was relaying that in her post - a bit clumsily at first I grant you, but she was trying not to offend, which as this thread perfectly demonstrates, is difficult on MN. But she did go on to clarify what she meant, and it’s that clarification that you seem to have an issue with.

Look at the words you’ve actually used yourself to describe what you think OP meant so she must have the notion that that place is rough and all the people from there are bad / nasty / criminal. OP didn’t say any of that and nor did she imply it. Your words, conveying your own unconscious bias, nothing to do with OP. And I’m not trying to sound ‘smart’ - it’s called critical thinking. You should try it some time.

Allfur · 14/12/2024 10:58

Pipsquiggle · 14/12/2024 09:30

Most gyms have cameras so if she keeps up with this weird 'mock attack' it will be very easy for the gym staff to check their recordings.

Re. The 'heritage' description - you have used this incorrectly and cack handedly.
All you need to say is that she's from a really rough estate /part of town where people have to front up or act big just to get by

She most likely would have been jumped on for that as well

Soniastrumpet1984 · 14/12/2024 11:02

Allfur · 14/12/2024 10:58

She most likely would have been jumped on for that as well

Exactly why I didn't post it. You can't win on here sometimes

OP posts:
ThatRareUmberJoker · 15/12/2024 04:04

PuddlesPityParty · 14/12/2024 07:28

No, again, you’re not getting it. The OP does come at it with prejudice - she mentioned in the last line of her OP that she has “heritage” (in this case a place). So she must have the notion that that place is rough and all the people from there are bad / nasty / criminal. Otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it. You don’t need to die on a hill for the OP - the fact is she has got some preconceived notions about the people from the woman’s town / city and that is where her prejudice lies.

So word of advice back. Perhaps instead of trying to sound smart, use a bit of critical thinking.

Give up and leave the op alone you sound terrible. Who says well hard.

pinkdelight · 15/12/2024 12:13

So she must have the notion that that place is rough and all the people from there are bad / nasty / criminal. Otherwise she wouldn’t have mentioned it. You don’t need to die on a hill for the OP - the fact is she has got some preconceived notions about the people from the woman’s town / city and that is where her prejudice lies.

You're wilfully missing the point - the woman herself cites coming from this place as a sign of how tough/not to be messed with she is. And that is a thing, it's datft to pretend that some places don't have reputations that some people are proud of and other people are therefore rightfully scared of. It's not a notion OP has dreamt up.

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