Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
lovelysunshine22 · 12/12/2024 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MammaTo · 12/12/2024 11:51

To be honest I’ve found people who act like this, there’s no reasoning with them. They’re unhinged and live in their own little world that revolves around them. There’s no standing up to them, unless you put yourself in quite a vulnerable position to potentially have a physical altercation.
Its crap for you, but you’d be best to find another gym.

Rainbow1901 · 12/12/2024 11:53

The next time she lunges - you could just smack her one and say you have developed a nervous tic when she is around because she is so aggressive. It would be a perfectly natural reaction to have because you didn't know she was messing!! 🙄

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fuck me . How much clearer can I be - she is NOT a traveller

OP posts:
Threetrees745 · 12/12/2024 11:59

@Soniastrumpet1984 so is she glaswegian then?

Also I don't understand the lunging thing is she lunging at you like she's about to attack you with raised fists or is she just doing lunges with weights but you feel she's too close to you?

TheCatterall · 12/12/2024 11:59

@Soniastrumpet1984 id hate this so massive sympathies.

is this gym a chain or standalone one? Personally I’d complain officially to the staff in writing if you’ve already complained in person. They should be dealing with the issue rather than ignoring her. If it’s a chain and the staff brush it off. I would be hounding head office. Have they a statement about how their gyms are a safe welcoming space? Point out how a dominating in your face personality alluding to ‘uncles’ etc coming to sort people out, lunging at you etc and watching you in the changing rooms does not make a safe welcoming space.

Id have headphones on and after a ‘nod’ hello I’d be too busy using the gym to take notice of her.

the fake lunges etc - complain to the staff that it’s intimidating and makes for an unwelcome and unsettled environment. Not sure how you can change your reaction to them if they catch you unawares.

her uncles probably find her just as fucking annoying and have better things to do.

she’s not going to do anything to you most likely. She’s thriving off the character she’s developed and giving herself main character energy. If she complains you aren’t being friendly - Sheila we aren’t friends we are just both here to use the gym.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:01

Threetrees745 · 12/12/2024 11:59

@Soniastrumpet1984 so is she glaswegian then?

Also I don't understand the lunging thing is she lunging at you like she's about to attack you with raised fists or is she just doing lunges with weights but you feel she's too close to you?

lots of explanations about the lunge earlier up the thread

OP posts:
ShilohTikva · 12/12/2024 12:01

Op is there CCTv around area she lunged?

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 12/12/2024 12:03

Really sorry you've had all these people jumping down your throat OP. The irony on a thread about bullying eh.

Anyway, we've all come across the type of person you mean. Loud, lary, enjoying your discomfiture, determined to put you on the spot. There's a few people like that where I live. I see them in cafes (not a gymgoer). One woman takes over the best table by the window, sits back and watches everybody in and out, chats loudly to staff as if they're old friends (they don't seem to be, but daren't ignore her). Another lady pretend-moans about her huge family and all the cooking she's doing for them for Christmas. The first has MH issues, the second is just a showoff. Or maybe has MH issues as well, as you do wonder if the huge family actually exists.

If they turn their attention to me - you can see everybody hoping they won't pick them - my response is to use my "middle class woman of a certain age" superpower😁Which means, return their gaze with a mild but emotionless expression. If they want to make conversation, make trite, minimal, weather- or season-based comments. Friendly but not engaging. You'll be fine OP!

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 12:04

Travelodge · 12/12/2024 11:11

Why? What difference does it make?

Well, if it's not traveller it might give some of us an opportunity to adjust our stereotypes. I think more than a few of us think that's what the OP was meaning the blank to be read as

WearyAuldWumman · 12/12/2024 12:05

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:41

By being at the gym 24/7? By bragging about being strong? By showing off her lunges?

OP, what do you want to get from this thread? How can anyone possibly help you, apart from agreeing with you - as many are - that this woman is a bully? I think people need to refresh their memories about what bullying actually is. She may be a bit strange, incredibly annoying and you might feel afraid of her physical presence, but she is not bullying you.

In fact, op, if you were to make an official complaint I am pretty sure you would receive some kind of caution from the gym for your behaviour (the part where you notice she is at the gym when you drive by on your way to work is particularly creepy.)

Edited

The last time that I endured the kind of behaviour that the OP is discussing was when I was a pupil at a Scottish high school.

I can assure you that I was always on the lookout for the ringleader or the bullying gang. There was nothing creepy about it: it was pure self preservation.

Threetrees745 · 12/12/2024 12:06

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:01

lots of explanations about the lunge earlier up the thread

I've been through your posts and don't see any explanation. People aren't having a go, just trying to work out if she is bullying you and you have a valid complaint or not.

Is she doing it like she's going to hit you as some weird joke?

WearyAuldWumman · 12/12/2024 12:07

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:49

But you haven't actually said how she bullies you. You have described feeling intimidated by her, which is a different thing.

Equally respectfully, from your post it sounds as though you are always alone with her. Is the gym not well attended or do you go at times when it is just the two of you present. If so, have you thought about going when there are more people around?

I should have thought that the "fake lunging" was a clear enough example of the bullying.

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 12:07

Is being a ned an ethnicity now?

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:07

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 09:12

No, it's perfectly acceptable to post in AIBU

Also people do not need absolute specifics to offer general help in this area

Okay, so what are you asking if you are being unreasonable about? Because I've read your original post and you don't actually ask that question at all.

WearyAuldWumman · 12/12/2024 12:08

HagathaChristi · 12/12/2024 07:41

By being at the gym 24/7? By bragging about being strong? By showing off her lunges?

OP, what do you want to get from this thread? How can anyone possibly help you, apart from agreeing with you - as many are - that this woman is a bully? I think people need to refresh their memories about what bullying actually is. She may be a bit strange, incredibly annoying and you might feel afraid of her physical presence, but she is not bullying you.

In fact, op, if you were to make an official complaint I am pretty sure you would receive some kind of caution from the gym for your behaviour (the part where you notice she is at the gym when you drive by on your way to work is particularly creepy.)

Edited

She's not showing off her lunges - she's lunging at the OP.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:08

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:07

Okay, so what are you asking if you are being unreasonable about? Because I've read your original post and you don't actually ask that question at all.

just stop the pile on now- you don't need to do it

OP posts:
FoolishHips · 12/12/2024 12:12

Wheelyfast · 11/12/2024 17:10

@TwigletsAndRadishes ppl find themselves utterly amusing on mumsnet and try to be outrageous with their "hilarious " replies. Where in reality they would do nothing and say nothing .

Well it made me smile :). I must have a terrible sense of humour!

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:12

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:08

just stop the pile on now- you don't need to do it

It is a genuine question- you've said this belongs in AIBU (which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', as I'm sure you know), so what is your AIBU question?

I'm afraid you are coming across as very oversensitive and easily offended. People are asking questions to try to ascertain what you want from this thread and from the situation you are describing, and you are accusing them of bullying you, intimidating you and piling on.

yeshimabet · 12/12/2024 12:12

Brisk, confident walk in, bright and breezy 'morning <nobhead>!',
Earphones in, straight to the machine, off you go.

Smiles and aloofness. Every time she speaks, make a laboured effort to take an earphone out 'sorry, I'm really in the zone, you OK? Good, back to it I go!' Earphone in. Disengage.

Kill these dreadful people with confidence and arms length minimal engagement.

Good luck, you're not wrong to be feeling like this.

chaosmaker · 12/12/2024 12:16

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:12

It is a genuine question- you've said this belongs in AIBU (which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', as I'm sure you know), so what is your AIBU question?

I'm afraid you are coming across as very oversensitive and easily offended. People are asking questions to try to ascertain what you want from this thread and from the situation you are describing, and you are accusing them of bullying you, intimidating you and piling on.

Many people on this thread are stating others are piling on and bullying. It would be easier if posters pushed the 'read all' button on OP's posts so they could gain the clarity they pretend they are seeking but in the guise of having a go at the OP

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:16

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:12

It is a genuine question- you've said this belongs in AIBU (which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', as I'm sure you know), so what is your AIBU question?

I'm afraid you are coming across as very oversensitive and easily offended. People are asking questions to try to ascertain what you want from this thread and from the situation you are describing, and you are accusing them of bullying you, intimidating you and piling on.

nope . if you read my posts this is not the case

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 12/12/2024 12:18

Changingname1988 · 12/12/2024 08:53

“I’m a Taylor/Garfield/Smith/any other surname” Surely most people have come across members of notorious local (non-traveller!) families before? If not, this makes me feel more working class on mumsnet than any discussion of six-figure DHs or private school!

One of my friends is from such a family, she has a normal life, job and friendly nature but if she comes up against any bloke being a dickhead or trying to intimidate her she just has to mention her surname and they scuttle off apologising.

Op, this woman is an arse but I’d say to kill with confident kindness.

Yup.

When I read posts where people are utterly incapable of understanding this, I wonder whether I'm too working class for Mumsnet.

I have a newish friend who is a lovely woman - hardworking, kind... but during a conversation about a time that she'd had difficulty being pursued by a gentleman who didn't want to take "I'm not interested!" for an answer, she told me that she'd solved the problem by telling the chap who her grandfather was.

A particular family from round my way hit the news headlines several years ago. The core family group was moved up north by the authorities. Nevertheless, you'll still here folk round here (the Central Belt) saying "Oh...he's a [insert name of family]."

ilovesooty · 12/12/2024 12:20

Alondra · 12/12/2024 10:22

Bullying is also illegal but it's happening to the OP without the company doing anything about it.

Edited

Yes I accept of course that bullying is illegal and I hope that the manager will act if the OP makes a formal complaint. That doesn't change the fact that at my gym if you recorded another customer on your phone you'd receive a warning and if you did it again you'd be banned. I don't think suggesting it is good advice.

Ja428 · 12/12/2024 12:21

She sounds utterly unhinged. As do a lot of people on this thread who decided that the problem woman was a traveller. Accusing the op of traveller bashing, whilst simultaneously deciding that the woman in question was a traveller based on the fact that she talked about bare knuckle fighting and her tough uncles. It’s clear that the posters on this thread are the ones stereotyping travellers, not the OP - as the bloody woman isn’t a traveller anyway!!!!

anyway op, I think unfortunately you need to not use the showers, changing room or lockers. Just keep your key and phone in the pocket of leggings/waist.

complaining to management isn’t goign to help imo. It’ll just inflame her already unhinged behaviour. And as all bullies really enjoy, she’ll know she’s got to you.

I’d just go in, look her straight in the eye and say Hi and get straight to your first activity briskly so as to not engage any further. If she comes to piss around, tell her you are in a massive hurry.