Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 12/12/2024 12:27

Threetrees745 · 12/12/2024 12:06

I've been through your posts and don't see any explanation. People aren't having a go, just trying to work out if she is bullying you and you have a valid complaint or not.

Is she doing it like she's going to hit you as some weird joke?

The OP didn't explain because she thought that it was clear. However, many other people have posted explanations (including a visual illustration).

Allfur · 12/12/2024 12:28

Maybe one day she'll get a job and stop dominating the place

pinkdelight · 12/12/2024 12:32

Threetrees745 · 12/12/2024 11:59

@Soniastrumpet1984 so is she glaswegian then?

Also I don't understand the lunging thing is she lunging at you like she's about to attack you with raised fists or is she just doing lunges with weights but you feel she's too close to you?

What's not to understand? She's described the person really well and it's easy to picture someone doing boxing training making fake lunges at other gym users - feigning sparring with them, making them flinch, getting in their space. Really, it's baffling how much trouble people are having on here seeing the OP's point. People get offended on here over the tiniest micro-aggressions, yet when this woman is being actively and repeatedly aggravating and quite threatening, people think the OP is imagining it because of some unfounded prejudice! Bananas.

Breadcat24 · 12/12/2024 12:33

I am sorry you are having this. There a couple of women at my gym who are a pain in the arse- yelling at the instructor during a spin class etc.
I try to ignore as much as possible.
I think she wants the reaction in your case.
Try to ignore and point at headphones if she speaks to you. Regarding the aggressive lunging you must not flinch or move back. If she makes contact with you say something like "Oh wow you attacked me for no reason!"
Hopefully your gym has cctv- most do now.
If she spends so much time in the gym then it would really upset her to get suspended (which the screaming women at my gym were and are much less disruptive now)
Your gym manager sounds a bit feeble

Fairyliz · 12/12/2024 12:37

Blimey you are getting a hard time on here op, sounds like people are being deliberately obtuse.
I know exactly the sort of woman you mean who tries to intimidate you for ‘fun’. The sort of ‘I’m well hard look at me’. I’m sure you are happy to have a bit of chitchat with an ordinary gym goer, but why should you kowtow to this vile woman.
Sorry you are in this situation and I haven’t got any advice.

housethatbuiltme · 12/12/2024 12:37

Wheelyfast · 11/12/2024 15:40

If you're going to have a traveller bashing thread at least have that conviction to use the word, & not skirt around it hoping others will.

Why you assume traveler?

I live rural and lots of families like this around 'Don't mess with me I'm a 'insert surname of local trouble maker'.

Local inbred hard ass wanna be gangster families, usually run the local drug selling market. Kids think they are tiny mafia, its nothing to do with travelers.

The very nature of a traveler would mean shes not their all the time, also traveler women do not typically behave like that at all (pretty much the opposite).

Sounds like you made a lot of wildly incorrect assumptions based on wrong ignorance.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:41

chaosmaker · 12/12/2024 12:16

Many people on this thread are stating others are piling on and bullying. It would be easier if posters pushed the 'read all' button on OP's posts so they could gain the clarity they pretend they are seeking but in the guise of having a go at the OP

I have read all of the OP's posts.

This thread shouldn't be on AIBU, and if it weren't, the OP wouldn't be getting some of the responses she is getting.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:46

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:16

nope . if you read my posts this is not the case

You have literally just accused me of piling on, and your posts at 6:16pm last night and 7:54am this morning strongly imply that you feel posters are bullying/intimidating you.

I am genuinely sorry you feel this way- that is why I told you that AIBU isn't the right place for this thread. You don't want to be told you are unreasonable; you want advice for how to deal with this woman.

AIBU is a brutal place, so people really shouldn't post here unless they are prepared to be told they are being unreasonable.

comfortandjoyy · 12/12/2024 12:52

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:16

nope . if you read my posts this is not the case

Honestly@Soniastrumpet1984 - just scroll past the baiters.

We can see what they are doing - dont dignify their goading with a response - they get kicks from seeing you rattled. Dont give them your energy or headspace.

Select to engage with the authentic PPs that resonate with you and your needs around this issue.

Screen anything unhelpful out.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:52

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:46

You have literally just accused me of piling on, and your posts at 6:16pm last night and 7:54am this morning strongly imply that you feel posters are bullying/intimidating you.

I am genuinely sorry you feel this way- that is why I told you that AIBU isn't the right place for this thread. You don't want to be told you are unreasonable; you want advice for how to deal with this woman.

AIBU is a brutal place, so people really shouldn't post here unless they are prepared to be told they are being unreasonable.

AIBU is a brutal place
Does it have to be ? on a forum to help people connect?
People are piling on, and deliberately picking over semantics or perceived slights. I've been so clear and very moderate and so have many others on here.
There are people on this thread who just want an argument. I have clearly asked for how to deal with this woman - and many posters have given good advice that I have thanked them for and I will definitely try. All of my replies have been polite, and moderate.

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:53

comfortandjoyy · 12/12/2024 12:52

Honestly@Soniastrumpet1984 - just scroll past the baiters.

We can see what they are doing - dont dignify their goading with a response - they get kicks from seeing you rattled. Dont give them your energy or headspace.

Select to engage with the authentic PPs that resonate with you and your needs around this issue.

Screen anything unhelpful out.

Good advice Thank you

OP posts:
CarolineMumsnet · 12/12/2024 12:57

Appealing for a bit of peace and love on this one. AIBU or not, talk guidelines still apply and we'll remove anything that crosses a line. If anything on here is concerning you, report it to us and we can take things from there. Thanks

Jumell · 12/12/2024 13:01

I’ve not RTFT OP but I’ve got the outline

I do sympathise I’d hate this but I’d be breezy and confident in her presence

Slap a benign superficial smile on!

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 13:11

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 12:52

AIBU is a brutal place
Does it have to be ? on a forum to help people connect?
People are piling on, and deliberately picking over semantics or perceived slights. I've been so clear and very moderate and so have many others on here.
There are people on this thread who just want an argument. I have clearly asked for how to deal with this woman - and many posters have given good advice that I have thanked them for and I will definitely try. All of my replies have been polite, and moderate.

Does it have to be ?
That's not really relevant- the fact is that it IS a brutal place, and that fact is upsetting you, so to me, it seems obvious to suggest that you post somewhere where you will receive more useful, more gentle responses. (Personally, I actually think it's very useful to have an area of MN where people can check whether or not they are being unreasonable, provided they are willing to actually listen to the answer!)

There are people on this thread who just want an argument.
Yes... Because this is AIBU. Which is why I suggested you post in another area of MN. I am not one of the people on this thread who is wanting to start an argument. I wanted to give you advice that you might find useful. Clearly you didn't find it useful, which is fine, but I maintain that this thread doesn't belong in AIBU, because you are not asking whether or not you are being unreasonable, and don't want to be told that you are being unreasonable.

All of my replies have been polite, and moderate.
I mean, you started one response with, "Fuck me," so I'm not sure you can claim this.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 13:18

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 13:11

Does it have to be ?
That's not really relevant- the fact is that it IS a brutal place, and that fact is upsetting you, so to me, it seems obvious to suggest that you post somewhere where you will receive more useful, more gentle responses. (Personally, I actually think it's very useful to have an area of MN where people can check whether or not they are being unreasonable, provided they are willing to actually listen to the answer!)

There are people on this thread who just want an argument.
Yes... Because this is AIBU. Which is why I suggested you post in another area of MN. I am not one of the people on this thread who is wanting to start an argument. I wanted to give you advice that you might find useful. Clearly you didn't find it useful, which is fine, but I maintain that this thread doesn't belong in AIBU, because you are not asking whether or not you are being unreasonable, and don't want to be told that you are being unreasonable.

All of my replies have been polite, and moderate.
I mean, you started one response with, "Fuck me," so I'm not sure you can claim this.

Ok You are right about everything, Thank you

OP posts:
MsMartini · 12/12/2024 13:29

Another one who doesn't understand why this thread has generated such replies. I thought your OP was perfectly clear and I hope some of the replies have helped.

I suspect if you'd posted in Exercise you might have got some different responses, tbh. Gym etiquette is different from elsewhere and the implied threat in some contexts in a fake lunge from someone who does martial arts would be very clear to people. I've trained in boxing gyms and with groups whose focus is anti-gang youth work and this behaviour would, as I said below, be way out of line there, because of the respect and discipline needed in those environments and the physicality and aggression required in the actual training.

comfortandjoyy · 12/12/2024 13:50

I suspect her neighbours and family are delighted shes at the gym 24/7.....

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2024 14:02

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 13:11

Does it have to be ?
That's not really relevant- the fact is that it IS a brutal place, and that fact is upsetting you, so to me, it seems obvious to suggest that you post somewhere where you will receive more useful, more gentle responses. (Personally, I actually think it's very useful to have an area of MN where people can check whether or not they are being unreasonable, provided they are willing to actually listen to the answer!)

There are people on this thread who just want an argument.
Yes... Because this is AIBU. Which is why I suggested you post in another area of MN. I am not one of the people on this thread who is wanting to start an argument. I wanted to give you advice that you might find useful. Clearly you didn't find it useful, which is fine, but I maintain that this thread doesn't belong in AIBU, because you are not asking whether or not you are being unreasonable, and don't want to be told that you are being unreasonable.

All of my replies have been polite, and moderate.
I mean, you started one response with, "Fuck me," so I'm not sure you can claim this.

As Mumsnet HQ has just posted the following:

'Appealing for a bit of peace and love on this one. AIBU or not, talk guidelines still apply and we'll remove anything that crosses a line. If anything on here is concerning you, report it to us and we can take things from there. Thanks'

it is clear that AIBU does not have to be a brutal place and people have been deliberately obtuse while pretending not to understand why OP feels intimidated. There are often posts on AIBU that would probably sit better in Chat or Relationships but that still doesn't excuse a pile on of the OP.

There have been a lot of double standards on this thread as well, with one deliberately goady poster accusing another poster of bullying when she was just told that her contributions to the thread were not being helpful to the OP.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 16:54

thepariscrimefiles · 12/12/2024 14:02

As Mumsnet HQ has just posted the following:

'Appealing for a bit of peace and love on this one. AIBU or not, talk guidelines still apply and we'll remove anything that crosses a line. If anything on here is concerning you, report it to us and we can take things from there. Thanks'

it is clear that AIBU does not have to be a brutal place and people have been deliberately obtuse while pretending not to understand why OP feels intimidated. There are often posts on AIBU that would probably sit better in Chat or Relationships but that still doesn't excuse a pile on of the OP.

There have been a lot of double standards on this thread as well, with one deliberately goady poster accusing another poster of bullying when she was just told that her contributions to the thread were not being helpful to the OP.

It's irrelevant whether or not it has to be a brutal place; the fact is, it often is, and that fact was upsetting the OP.

I agree it doesn't excuse a pile on of the OP. But that pile on was happening specifically because she posted in AIBU. Which is why I suggested she ask for MNHQ to move the thread.

PuddlesPityParty · 12/12/2024 17:16

ThatRareUmberJoker · 12/12/2024 09:15

She did if you read her posts she does give an example.

I did and whilst it’s unusual yes I wouldn’t say it was bullying behaviour.

PuddlesPityParty · 12/12/2024 17:17

DreamW3aver · 12/12/2024 06:55

Buy you don't need to know the specific words used to understand what the woman is doing. It's like sledging or barracking the word is enough to explain the problem

I don’t think you read what I put properly.

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/12/2024 19:43

pinkdelight · 12/12/2024 12:32

What's not to understand? She's described the person really well and it's easy to picture someone doing boxing training making fake lunges at other gym users - feigning sparring with them, making them flinch, getting in their space. Really, it's baffling how much trouble people are having on here seeing the OP's point. People get offended on here over the tiniest micro-aggressions, yet when this woman is being actively and repeatedly aggravating and quite threatening, people think the OP is imagining it because of some unfounded prejudice! Bananas.

In fairness to @Threetrees745 I was actually struggling to understand what the OP meant too!

Low-level aggression can be really hard to deal with so in no way was I trying to disparage what the OP was saying. I just couldn't really understand what she meant by "lunging" at her because there wasn't any other description by OP and it could mean lots of different things - some more shocking than others.

So as a PP said, I wasn't clear if aggro woman was doing perfectly acceptable lunges as anyone might at the gym - but within the OP's personal space and feeling as if they're "at" her, thereby making it feel a bit aggressive.

Or was she just doing her boxing training and then swinging round to make faux lunges at the OP?

Or was she literally just lunging at her out of the blue as if she was going to punch her, and then laughing at OP and trying to pretend it was a joke?

The reason I was wondering is that you might deal with those things in different ways. They're all unpleasant, obviously.

The third option I described above I would absolutely be reporting immediately to management and expecting them to review CCTV footage and take action. The first two scenarios I'd initially try to manage myself. I'd then escalate to management if it continued.

As a disclaimer, I mentioned upthread that I'm autistic/ADHD - sometimes I struggle to understand what people mean or I take things too literally. So I thought it was just me who couldn't quite work out what was happening with the unwanted "lunges"!!

MellowJello77 · 12/12/2024 20:43

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/12/2024 19:43

In fairness to @Threetrees745 I was actually struggling to understand what the OP meant too!

Low-level aggression can be really hard to deal with so in no way was I trying to disparage what the OP was saying. I just couldn't really understand what she meant by "lunging" at her because there wasn't any other description by OP and it could mean lots of different things - some more shocking than others.

So as a PP said, I wasn't clear if aggro woman was doing perfectly acceptable lunges as anyone might at the gym - but within the OP's personal space and feeling as if they're "at" her, thereby making it feel a bit aggressive.

Or was she just doing her boxing training and then swinging round to make faux lunges at the OP?

Or was she literally just lunging at her out of the blue as if she was going to punch her, and then laughing at OP and trying to pretend it was a joke?

The reason I was wondering is that you might deal with those things in different ways. They're all unpleasant, obviously.

The third option I described above I would absolutely be reporting immediately to management and expecting them to review CCTV footage and take action. The first two scenarios I'd initially try to manage myself. I'd then escalate to management if it continued.

As a disclaimer, I mentioned upthread that I'm autistic/ADHD - sometimes I struggle to understand what people mean or I take things too literally. So I thought it was just me who couldn't quite work out what was happening with the unwanted "lunges"!!

Agree re the lunging - I initially had an image of Mandy from This Country lunging like Joey from Friends when he’s wearing all of Chandler’s clothes 🤣 that would definitely be weird but if you mean lunging as pretending to go for you and pulling back - very different and definitely designed to intimidate and I would report.

She sounds like a pain in the arse attention seeker and the kill her with kindness and be assertive back could be the best approach of you’re stuck with her.

One of the women at my gym likes to wander around the changing room naked, and aggressively moisturises her whole body (butt crack included) with one leg up on the bench whilst starting long conversations with total strangers. She then sits her bare arse on the stool and dries her hair for ages before finally getting dressed. If all else fails could always try that approach with Big Mandy? 🤣

MumoftwoGranofone · 12/12/2024 21:53

Nothing you do will change them and you are feeling intimidated, do you really want to continue going to this gym?

Breadcat24 · 12/12/2024 22:25

@MellowJello77 wouldn't it be a shame if a bit of Deep Heat got into that routine