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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 14:10

comfortandjoyy · 13/12/2024 12:37

If the behaviour turned into anything more, where it was actually aggression and targeted harassment -

How is lunging at someone not aggressive - how else would you describe it? Neutral? Normal? Passive? If so where is acceptable and normalised?

And how is lunging at someone repeatedly not targetted?

Honestly i would see it as someone being a twat. Just people being dicks. But if you ignore them then it ruins their fun.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 14:11

HagathaChristi · 13/12/2024 14:02

I think that's the problem with this thread. Op was unclear and others have filled in the gaps for her, but they don't know the full story. Op is the one who should fill in the blanks. When people have asked about the lunges op hasn't replied and has allowed people to reply who weren't there and who know nothing about this woman or the situation. Op said that the woman was looking at her locker and that was then transformed by others into the woman "going through" op's locker and op didn't correct them. (Hope I am being clear here

Those of us who asked for clarity have been accused of a "pile-on", which is another form of bullying. When was a request for clarity bullying? Op could have taken the request in good faith (as it was meant) because if she reports this woman to management she is going to have to be clear about why she suspects she is being bullied or targeted.

Some of the advice Op has been given about how to handle this woman is downright dangerous - especially if she turns out to be a real bully.

Ok you're right about everything. Thank you

OP posts:
HagathaChristi · 13/12/2024 14:13

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 14:11

Ok you're right about everything. Thank you

Nope. I am not right. I ask questions about things that I don't know. It's your choice whether you answer them or not. You chose not to. Fair enough, but don't expect me to agree with what you say when I am not clear.

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 14:15

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 14:11

Ok you're right about everything. Thank you

You’ve used this reply twice and it comes across as passive aggressive. From reading your replies in this thread and the stand offish approach you’ve taken IMO you’re as much of the problem as your so called bully.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 14:20

Thanks both, you've caught me good and proper. I'm the real bully mwah ha ha ha

OP posts:
oOiluvfriendsOo · 13/12/2024 14:24

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 12:48

I don't understand how anyone can judge the lunge as anything other than hostile.
If it happened in the street or to a child at school, it would be seen as a definite act of hostility.
The last line of my OP was to report what she says to intimidate, that she is from a certain place/area that is known for being rough and aggressive so don't mess as she is too. This is so simple to understand I do not know what to do to clarify.
I.e "I'm from Croydon, you don't mess with me"
(She doesn't really say Croydon)

So she's using a place rather than a family name. She's probably all mouth op.
I agree that the lunging towards you is an intimidating tactic. She's seeing how far she can get with you.
Coming from a certain place does not make a person tough and untouchable. I'm from a well known area with a bad reputation and I haven't got it in me to act like that.

Management of the gym need to step up and do their job and tell her to stop orleave the gym.

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/12/2024 15:34

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 12:25

I said prejudice not racism. Prejudice means “preconceived idea”. Perhaps read things properly.

Why does this woman mention her family's name in the context of people not messing with her other than to intimidate?

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 15:37

I think the thing it has made me realise is how insidious poor behaviour can be

I can really imagine if I reported it and she found out, she'd then say something about it to me in a 'jokey' or 'banter' way

she is relentless in her other behaviour

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 16:07

thepariscrimefiles · 13/12/2024 15:34

Why does this woman mention her family's name in the context of people not messing with her other than to intimidate?

She’s not said it to the OP directly.

Allfur · 13/12/2024 16:10

She sounds like a character in a sketch show

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 16:32

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 16:07

She’s not said it to the OP directly.

she has, she says it to all of us- not a family name but a place

OP posts:
PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 16:56

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 16:32

she has, she says it to all of us- not a family name but a place

More of your unclarity then 👍 just say where you’re from back in the same manner. Who gives one. I’m from a rough area but I’ve never heard anyone say an area to scare someone.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 13/12/2024 17:00

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 16:56

More of your unclarity then 👍 just say where you’re from back in the same manner. Who gives one. I’m from a rough area but I’ve never heard anyone say an area to scare someone.

Ok thanks for your input - I will bear all that in mind

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 13/12/2024 17:37

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 16:56

More of your unclarity then 👍 just say where you’re from back in the same manner. Who gives one. I’m from a rough area but I’ve never heard anyone say an area to scare someone.

Well, it depends. I come from a Scottish coalmining town. I believe that some other parts of the region thought it rough, but it was never a name that was used to intimidate. The next village, however, was a different matter entirely. "I'm fae..." would be used to intimidate. (Mind you, a couple of streets were quite genteel. A bit like the village's answer to Byres Road, to put it into a Glaswegian context.)

You'd get the same with a village connected with a dockyard at the other end of the region.

For a while, I worked in a town that was seen as being a bit more upmarket than any of those three places, but you'd get kids from a certain area boasting that they came from X and would talk about "The X Young Team". To be honest, I don't think that they were that "hard", but they could be nasty. Nowadays, there's no such thing as "a square go" - the expectation is that a group will get one person down on the ground for the crime of being an outsider and will then put the boot in.

It's pretty horrible. A colleague of mine had a son who was a victim - standing at a bus stop minding his own business. Surrounded. Knocked down. Kicked in the head. He survived, but had brain damage. It wasn't immediately visible, but - understandably - he lost all confidence.

In short, I'm glad that people from your area don't try to intimidate in this manner but - unfortunately - there are some who do.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:13

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 16:56

More of your unclarity then 👍 just say where you’re from back in the same manner. Who gives one. I’m from a rough area but I’ve never heard anyone say an area to scare someone.

And in true MN style, if you haven’t heard of it, then it doesn’t happen. OK then.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:14

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 16:07

She’s not said it to the OP directly.

I think she did - didn’t OP say this in her opening post ?

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:18

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 12:19

She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"

The above is directly from the OP. She is coming at it with prejudice whether you want to admit it or not.

I would ignore the woman 🤷‍♀️ she’s just being a bit of a weirdo really and I would think that to myself. If the behaviour turned into anything more, where it was actually aggression and targeted harassment- I would ask her what she was doing and why she’s doing it and then report to staff or the police depending on the severity. But as we can all clearly see, it’s no where near that point.

Edit to add: I know a woman from a “well known” (for the wrong reasons) family and people constantly prejudge her. She is really lovely and it makes me sad people think she’ll be just like her dad just because of her name.

Edited

It’s not prejudice - she explained it in subsequent posts. It was either an area the woman was from or a family - nothing to do with race or ethnicity, as an awful lot of posters assumed. The woman herself introduced it into the situation not OP. How does that make her prejudiced ?

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:24

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 12:04

Well, if it's not traveller it might give some of us an opportunity to adjust our stereotypes. I think more than a few of us think that's what the OP was meaning the blank to be read as

This was covered way upthread and at length . Not an ethnicity. More an area the woman came from or from a notorious family.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:27

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 12/12/2024 12:12

It is a genuine question- you've said this belongs in AIBU (which stands for 'Am I Being Unreasonable', as I'm sure you know), so what is your AIBU question?

I'm afraid you are coming across as very oversensitive and easily offended. People are asking questions to try to ascertain what you want from this thread and from the situation you are describing, and you are accusing them of bullying you, intimidating you and piling on.

Many OP’s post in AIBU and don’t specifically ask the question. I don’t think OP is any different. And there’s definitely a pile on. MN moderators have posted to try and quell it.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:28

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 12:04

Well, if it's not traveller it might give some of us an opportunity to adjust our stereotypes. I think more than a few of us think that's what the OP was meaning the blank to be read as

That’s your problem not OP’s. If you see a set of behaviours and associate that with a particular race or ethnicity that’s down to your own unconscious bias - nothing to do with the OP, who has already explained several times what she meant.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 13/12/2024 18:36

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:27

Many OP’s post in AIBU and don’t specifically ask the question. I don’t think OP is any different. And there’s definitely a pile on. MN moderators have posted to try and quell it.

Yes, and their posts also don't belong in AIBU! And they would also be unreasonable to object to being told they're unreasonable when they have, in fact, posted in 'Am I Being Unreasonable?'

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:43

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 12:25

I said prejudice not racism. Prejudice means “preconceived idea”. Perhaps read things properly.

I did read things properly. And if you read my previous posts I’ve used the term ‘unconscious bias’, which is pretty much the same thing as prejudice, or pre conceived ideas - in this case based on what posters thought OP was saying, when in fact she wasn’t. And instead of owning that unconscious bias they’ve continued shamelessly virtue signalling, implying that OP is racist. And all the while failing, as you have, to understand that this isn’t an assumption that OP has made. It was something the woman herself told OP about her heritage, and it was said in a way that anyone with half a brain would recognise as meant to intimidate. So a word of advice. Before you accuse posters of not reading things properly, perhaps make sure your own understanding of the situation is up to scratch.

HagathaChristi · 13/12/2024 19:08

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2024 18:27

Many OP’s post in AIBU and don’t specifically ask the question. I don’t think OP is any different. And there’s definitely a pile on. MN moderators have posted to try and quell it.

I felt the MN moderators were appealing to everyone not just to one group of people.

FozzieWozzieWasABear · 13/12/2024 19:10

PuddlesPityParty · 13/12/2024 14:15

You’ve used this reply twice and it comes across as passive aggressive. From reading your replies in this thread and the stand offish approach you’ve taken IMO you’re as much of the problem as your so called bully.

@PuddlesPityParty oh get over yourself!

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