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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

425 replies

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 12/12/2024 11:01

ShilohTikva · 11/12/2024 17:55

You know my race do you?

ANYONE can be racist. The race of the racist has nothing to do with it......

SpidersAreShitheads · 12/12/2024 11:02

Alondra · 12/12/2024 10:33

Bullying never goes hand in hand with ADHD. In fact, most people with ADHD are the opposite of bullying arseholes. And I say "most" because there is a million to one possibility that a person with ADHD could also be a bully.

We need to stop justifying people with antisocial behaviour by blaming "a possible" medical disorder. It makes it much harder for people suffering their condition to combat society perception that every awful behaviour from a NT can be blamed at their door.

Edited

This.

As a woman who is autistic and has ADHD, it’s really disheartening to read someone suggesting that intimidating behaviour is due to neurodivergence.

People with ADHD tend to be impulsive and we sometimes find it hard to judge if someone wants to be our friend. But we don’t lunge at people deliberately to scare them and we don’t brag about our violent roots/connections so that we can force others to give us what we want.

There’s nothing here that’s suggesting neurodivergence. It’s actually quite insulting to see it being raised as a possibility.

buttonousmaximous · 12/12/2024 11:03

To those trying to guess I assumed it was just a rough area of Scotland (rough meaning high violence/crime/drugs etc)
And that the women is using her home town as a way to sound tough.

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 11:03

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 10:58

😂

I'm Scottish too and fascinated by what group this could be - it was traveller wasn't it?! OP just didn't want to say because she was getting flack

Absolutely not. Never once mentioned traveller. She is NOT a traveller

OP posts:
Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 11:03

buttonousmaximous · 12/12/2024 11:03

To those trying to guess I assumed it was just a rough area of Scotland (rough meaning high violence/crime/drugs etc)
And that the women is using her home town as a way to sound tough.

Exactly this

OP posts:
Lavenderblossoms · 12/12/2024 11:06

Powerofflower · 12/12/2024 09:23

I wonder if she is used to people judging her. She sounds like she possibly has adhd. I would be extra nice but keep her at arms length. I wonder what would happen if you ask her how she is one day. I bet she isn’t loving life. Hence spending all day in a gym with nothing else going on? Maybe she is too much and you can’t approach her but the other solution is to find another form of exercise that isn’t ruined by others behaviour.

What the heck has that got to do with ADHD?

Do you think all ADHD people fake lunge and try to intimidate people? The fuck???

The armchair stuff on here be crazy.

Feelingathomenow · 12/12/2024 11:07

Soniastrumpet1984 · 12/12/2024 11:03

Exactly this

Yes this was my guess as you have explicitly stated it’s not certain other groups I don’t know why people are desperate for it to be that group. The only reason I can think of is some people desperately want to be offended - it says more about them that they immediately matched your description to their stereotypes than anything else

Lavenderblossoms · 12/12/2024 11:07

I know like honestly, the people on here trot out this shit as if they are experts!

And then wonder why ND people like us get such a hard time.

People do it with BPD as well. Truly heinous behaviour.

Feelingathomenow · 12/12/2024 11:07

Lavenderblossoms · 12/12/2024 11:06

What the heck has that got to do with ADHD?

Do you think all ADHD people fake lunge and try to intimidate people? The fuck???

The armchair stuff on here be crazy.

Quite!

Travelodge · 12/12/2024 11:11

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 10:46

What is the ethnicity??

Why? What difference does it make?

Lavenderblossoms · 12/12/2024 11:12

Powerofflower · 12/12/2024 10:36

And I never said that. Married to someone with adhd and a child with asd. I was coming from a misunderstood/what’s going on really view, never mind.

Dear person,

Just because you know one adhd person and one asd person does not mean that you can speak for us all!

Believe it or not, personality is not adhd!

That is completely separate. If someone is being an arse then that is because they are an arsehole.

I swear I'm calling out this shit every time I see it. I've had enough of the negative bullshit trotted out on here.

Skodasuperb · 12/12/2024 11:15

Annabella92 · 12/12/2024 10:58

😂

I'm Scottish too and fascinated by what group this could be - it was traveller wasn't it?! OP just didn't want to say because she was getting flack

It wasn't actually. Lots of people got all wound up to denounce the OP's racism as it must have been a traveller but then the OP emphatically stated this was not the case and they went a bit quiet and looked at their shoes.

chaosmaker · 12/12/2024 11:20

@Soniastrumpet1984 is there any way you can threaten the gym for your money back if they don't deal with her behaviour? You said they are concious of it and if it means they lose business over her then maybe they would deal with it!

Dunno why all the bullies are out in force against you. Some seem to be hard of thinking/reading but that's on them :)

Edited to address OP rather than the wrong person

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 12/12/2024 11:23

She clearly would like to be seen as strong , so next time she mentions her " uncles " I would tilt my head to the side and say , " hmm, it's such a shame in this day and age that women still feel they need men to protect us " . Hopefully she will then see the statement as one of weakness , not aggression.

MumWifeOther · 12/12/2024 11:28

Soniastrumpet1984 · 11/12/2024 15:20

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

I can see how you might feel intimidated but I think you’re projecting a lot of your fears onto her as she hasn’t actually done anything to you.

You have a few choices -

You could politely tell her that you feel a bit intimidated, as there’s a good chance that she’s got a strong personality and she’s trying to be friendly and it’s coming across as something different.

Put up and shut up.

Talk to staff.

Stop going to the gym.

comfortandjoyy · 12/12/2024 11:28

Wonderi · 12/12/2024 06:53

I don’t understand why posters are being so obtuse.

Perhaps if you’d written that a man was acting in an intimidating way, then you would get loads of supportive replies.

If there was a male member who was going through your locker or getting in your personal space, you wouldn’t have such rude replies.

The issue here is that her behaviour is quite low level, which is often worse because there’s less you can do about it.

The issue here is that her behaviour is quite low level, which is often worse because there’s less you can do about it.

And this is deliberate MO for the bully. Its to confuse and disable you.

Just sufficient hostility for you to sound petty for calling out a single incident - and they get to bray with the 'plausible deniability' - but it is the repetition and the accumulative and compunding impact that is important.

The fake lunge is physically hostile, physically threatening and intimidating. Is there CCTV - I would keep a record of 3 incidents - get it checked on CCTV and then ask managment to 'advise' her to alter her behaviour. They have a duty of care to all of their clients.

Abiharwich · 12/12/2024 11:30

Tabitha005 · 11/12/2024 16:42

This is a tricky one but it would piss me off enormously if I was the one having to deal with it.

She sounds like she might be using steroids - all that bravado!

I'd be tempted to start doing weird things like whispering to myself as though I'm having a conversation with someone she can't see, or let her catch you smearing the inside of your locker with jam and when she asks what you're doing, cackle madly and shout; 'The ANTS! The ants NEED sugar TOOOOOO'.

You could tell her you have such bad social anxiety that having to speak to anyone in a public setting literally makes you poo yourself, then pull a face as though you're actually having a poo right there and then (maybe crush a stink bomb surreptitiously in your pocket for the full effect).

I find it astonishing that people can act the way she does and have no negative push-back from anyone - be it other gym users or the people who work there (and should really be helping to make ALL gym users feel comfortable in that environment). People like her, who make everything all about themselves and swagger around with such hugely misplaced confidence are generally so obtuse that they have NO idea everyone hates them.

I'd be asking the gym management to have a word with her and let them know she's making other members feel incredibly uncomfortable with her intimidating attitude. They could certainly put a stop to her vaping outside the gym and ask her not to disturb other gym members when they're working out - just a tiny little stomp on her believing she's got some sort of 'right' to do whatever she likes.

Oh my goodness! I love the way your mind works 🤣

Yep, sounds like roid rage to me.

OP just be civil but distant with her and don't feed the animal. It doesn't sound as though anyone will do anything and you don't need her inadvertently hearing you have complained about her. Good luck 🤞🏻

eatreadsleeprepeat · 12/12/2024 11:30

This kind of person is very difficult to deal with and knows it. Bullying or intimidation or not she is getting some pleasure from making you feel uncomfortable and I suspect would find a way of victim blaming if you complain.
Very foolish of the gym to have allowed the situation to develop of her feeling that she can wield power and set the tone by being there a lot and being a powerful presence. I can visualise exactly what you mean ‘I’m from ….. and I’m a hard man, okay’ insert Glasgow, Coatbridge, Tranent, etc as necessary.
I am old enough to say that this is not the hill to die on and stop going but if you haven’t alternatives that might not be a solution for you.

ShilohTikva · 12/12/2024 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Asking question to clarify is not bullying. 🤷🏼‍♀️

arcticpandas · 12/12/2024 11:33

Glasgow? Ask her for some tips of where to go. I think she feels threatened by you in some way. Maybe just break the ice and start talking to her🤷‍♀️

ShilohTikva · 12/12/2024 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShilohTikva · 12/12/2024 11:35

OP the only practical advice I can offer is to have a chat or write an anonymous letter to management if it continues. It's hard I know as you say it's the only convenient gym

OuchyEars · 12/12/2024 11:38

ShilohTikva · 12/12/2024 11:31

Asking question to clarify is not bullying. 🤷🏼‍♀️

But asking a question to bully is.
Even if you think you are a race that can't be called out for racism. Yes that refers to an earlier post if yours rather than this one. You've been going at it a while.
Stop trying to get OP to post something that might retrospectively excuse your own posts.

ShilohTikva · 12/12/2024 11:41

OuchyEars · 12/12/2024 11:38

But asking a question to bully is.
Even if you think you are a race that can't be called out for racism. Yes that refers to an earlier post if yours rather than this one. You've been going at it a while.
Stop trying to get OP to post something that might retrospectively excuse your own posts.

That's not what I was doing. I assumed like a few others that it was a traveller bashing thread. Based on a lot ot stereotypes that always seem to appear in those posts.

If it's not traveller which it appears not to he then i was wrong. But my question was to clarify it wasn't traveller bashing..not to bully OP or "trap" her into saying anything

OolongTeaDrinker · 12/12/2024 11:46

WallaceinAnderland · 11/12/2024 16:20

So she's trying to greet everyone, making chit chat and not stealing anything. What exactly is it that you think she is doing wrong?

The OP doesn't go to the gym to be greeted by a random domineering person or be expected to make chit chat with anyone. I would hate that and find it really intrusive.