Help with this woman from the gym- a bully

[Soniastrumpet1984]

name changed for this but regular mn user.
I go to a very small gym attached to a conference centre - it's not always staffed and at times, there is just an apprentice on the desk. There's a woman there who I find very unsettling and a little scary. She kind of 'rules the roost' She's very very bombastic. She does boxing training there, is there practically all day (anytime I go she is there and on days when I don't go I see her there as I have to drive past. She gets there in the morning and then spends all day, in the gym , in the sauna , in the pool, outside vaping. She is very very loud with all the gym goers, talks to them but in terms of how strong she is. She can take offence easily, if you don't say hello loud enough or don't smile etc. She regularly intimidates the staff but not in any way enough for them to do much about it if you see what I mean. I feel like she is targeting me at the moment - she was really looking in my locker the other day while I was drying my hair, but when I shut the door, she said " Don't worry I'm not nicking" She regularly mentions her uncles as being bare knuckle boxers and that if the staff annoy her, she'll get them down here as they all protect each other.
I really can't move gym I'm quite rural and this is my only option in my price range but it's getting really uncomfortable. Any mention of the staff sorting anything out (just generally) and she will say things like "They all love me" when they clearly don't. She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"
So far I have avoided eye contact, worn headphones, avoided showering and changing there. How can I handle it? I feel like she is lining me up to be a bullying victim.

If someone you really didn't know was to get in your space you're not going to like it and you would feel picked on. A lot of people go to the gym to workout and then go home not bug people or nose around.

Honestly we’re not going to agree here. I seriously just think the woman’s a bit annoying - I don’t think she can be classed as a bully. I think due to whatever her last line in the OP meant and the family the woman’s from the OPs approached this from a prejudice perspective.

The op is not asking whether you think she's a bully she's asking what she should do to handle her better. The op has asked for advice so how would you respond in that situation?

Sorry, didn’t realise I had to spell it out. She can handle it by stop being prejudice and by spinning the narrative she is a victim. She can either address the situation or not, it’s her choice. But she needs to get out of her mindset because it’s not good.

How would you deal with someone who lunged at you in a threatening manner?

Where is the prejudice exactly ? OP has only reported what this woman has actually said. Others on the thread have introduced their own prejudice by playing a silly guessing game of fill in the blanks, and shouting ‘racist’ based on their own unconscious bias. And you’re nicely sidestepping a direct question. OP has said this woman does fake lunges at her. There have been gifs posted on this thread that leave you in no doubt as to how aggressive these can be. OP posted asking for advice on how to handle this and other aggressive behaviours. You’ve completely ignored this. So how would you handle it ?

OP has already explained several times what she meant by that last line. Nothing to do with racism - the woman was either from an area noted for this kind of behaviour, or was using a notorious family surname to intimidate. That’s not on OP, that’s on this woman herself for introducing it.

Exactly this. We’ve all come across people like this at one time or another - they’re out to intimidate, and I think it is a form of bullying. It appears that those who are virtue signalling because of their own unconscious bias, instead of actually addressing the issue OP posted about, seem to be the only ones who haven’t experienced this kind of behaviour.

Yeah , I really hope that post was tongue in cheek as that behaviour would not being around positive results and in fact I can quite well image the op would find herself considered a problem and how maddening if the bullying woman took it all seriously and decided she had been right about there being something about the op. Op this lady actually feels self conscious around you and senses you don't want anything to do with her and she's trying to show you it doesn't bother her . I think shes lonely and visits the gym so often as she doesn't have much of a social life.

People often boast about how close they are to family members to strangers when in reality its not the truth . Can't you try out being a little friendly with a smile and see how she reacts to that. At the least she won't be aggressive as there is nothing to react to negatively with a genuine friendly smile. I think she's not very good socially and you are more reserved and find her bombastic ways distasteful but give her a chance and then if it fails of course you can then confidently take steps to stop any conflict xxx

Oh gosh I know I'm making lots of assumptions it will seem but I can easily even see why she might mention being from a certain area that could actually be a sort of defensive thing to explain her broad accent in relation to your lesser more refined Scottish accent . It could be like saying well I'm louder and sound rougher as I'm a glaswegien.

I truly don't think she means you harm I think you unwittingly make her feel a bit insecure and even the comment about not pinching was probably as she felt a bit hurt at you closing the locker on her looking. Her brash comment was likely more to brush it off but I would be like you and would hate someone noseying into my locker like that especially when they are irritatingly into everyone's business. I can understand how you feel and you don't need to put up with her but you don't need to feel bullied by her as I don't think that's what's happening.

I think she wants you to notice her and be her friend , but is unable to reign in her behaviour to make it possible. How sad for people like that, but how awful for people who end up putting up with this exhausting behavior. I think the gym should have rules where you can ensure a person isn't there all day every day making a nuisance but don't know how they would implement action like that unless the person is abusive or truly threatening xxx

For those who are having difficulty imagining the woman whose behaviour is intimidating the OP. If this were a couple of decades back the equivalent would be the bully making reference to being from the Raploch and Big Mags Haney being her auntie.

There are other families like the Haneys, and other areas like the Raploch (which I believe was greatly improved by Mags Haney's imprisonment and later death).

www.stirlingnews.co.uk/news/13571952.mags-haney-dies-following-cancer-battle/

I think a big point here would be that people on here do not know if she is being a bully, and the quibbling over the exact semantics doesn't really matter, I wanted to know tactics for dealing with it. There is no doubt that her lunging towards me as if to frighten me or hit me or grab me is not, and never will be a normal human interaction. By its nature it is designed to humiliate, belittle and scare.
I am a very normal woman , have never been bullied so I don't see bullying at every opportunity

That's an excellent illustration.

The other one that came to my mind was the Grahams.

https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/news/crime-courts/1084424/family-from-hell-matriarch-cleared-of-abusive-phone-call-campaign/

This is exactly the family I was thinking of.

Your instinct and observation is 100% correct - this is a repeated course of conduct that is hostile with the intention to intimidate.

Maybe in her family/social sphere its acceptable bantz and posturing - in any other public space it isnt.

Get CCTV and a request to management to speak with her directly to request she adapts her behaviour. Put this in writing to management as they have a duty of care to respond appropriately to your issues around safety on their premises.

Then hold them to it.

She has a specific heritage which she mentions often in the context of "I'm a ___ so you don't mess with me"

The above is directly from the OP. She is coming at it with prejudice whether you want to admit it or not.

I would ignore the woman 🤷‍♀️ she’s just being a bit of a weirdo really and I would think that to myself. If the behaviour turned into anything more, where it was actually aggression and targeted harassment- I would ask her what she was doing and why she’s doing it and then report to staff or the police depending on the severity. But as we can all clearly see, it’s no where near that point.

Edit to add: I know a woman from a “well known” (for the wrong reasons) family and people constantly prejudge her. She is really lovely and it makes me sad people think she’ll be just like her dad just because of her name.

Does your friend lunge and people and threaten to get relatives down to beat them up? Your friend may be "lovely" but this woman is clearly not.

I said prejudice not racism. Prejudice means “preconceived idea”. Perhaps read things properly.

She’s not said that to the OP / threatened the OP though has she?

If the behaviour turned into anything more, where it was actually aggression and targeted harassment -

How is lunging at someone not aggressive - how else would you describe it? Neutral? Normal? Passive? If so where is acceptable and normalised?

And how is lunging at someone repeatedly not targetted?

I don't understand how anyone can judge the lunge as anything other than hostile.
If it happened in the street or to a child at school, it would be seen as a definite act of hostility.
The last line of my OP was to report what she says to intimidate, that she is from a certain place/area that is known for being rough and aggressive so don't mess as she is too. This is so simple to understand I do not know what to do to clarify.
I.e "I'm from Croydon, you don't mess with me"
(She doesn't really say Croydon)

What actions are you going to take now @Soniastrumpet1984 ?

I'm going to try the kill with kindness thing. So speaking first, making a joke about her strength, bitbof flattery maybe. If that calms it down , good. I think I will follow up with a letter to management if it doesnt

Op I think the kill with kindness is the way to go. She sounds like she has poor social skills and is lonely. A bit of attention when you go in and then move onto doing what you want. Say you need to focus on x y z and have to listen to something too. I think she sees the gym as her domain and wants some interaction from everyone. Make it on your terms.

You live in the same rural area so will no doubt bump into each other around. You need the tools to deal with that.

I'm from Scotland so can probably guess where she's from...the next town over!

Also who even mentions family coming to fight their battles if they are over 21!

I think that's the problem with this thread. Op was unclear and others have filled in the gaps for her, but they don't know the full story. Op is the one who should fill in the blanks. When people have asked about the lunges op hasn't replied and has allowed people to reply who weren't there and who know nothing about this woman or the situation. Op said that the woman was looking at her locker and that was then transformed by others into the woman "going through" op's locker and op didn't correct them. (Hope I am being clear here

Those of us who asked for clarity have been accused of a "pile-on", which is another form of bullying. When was a request for clarity bullying? Op could have taken the request in good faith (as it was meant) because if she reports this woman to management she is going to have to be clear about why she suspects she is being bullied or targeted.

Some of the advice Op has been given about how to handle this woman is downright dangerous - especially if she turns out to be a real bully.