To feel uncomfortable with this message exchange

[Notjustmeah]

My DP and I have been together for 2 years, we are expecting our first baby.
Generally life is good for us, he has one friend, wouldn't say they are very close as she lives in London, but they have been friends since they were teens. She's literally drop dead gorgeous, tall, skinny with abs, great figure etc.
For the whole time we've been together she's been in a relationship, so I've not really thought too hard about her, and like I said she's in London so he only sees her a few times a year when she comes up.
Now she's going through a break up and the guy cheated on her and she's is devastated. She's been messaging DP a lot more and he makes a lot of time to talk to her.
Last night he was up messaging her until gone 3am, almost 4. I had a feeling something was off, he never messages her for that long. This morning I decided to have a look while he was still sleeping, I know, I know I shouldn't have but it was really bothering me.
These messages have bothered me.

"I don't get why anyone would cheat on you, you're literally like Angelina Jolie and Kiera Knightley combined"

Then in a convo about how crap men are he was like I don't get how it's so hard to be a good guy. He then said
"If I learn how to clone you can have another me?" She replied "omg yes please that's a need"

This feels like he was saying he'd date her and her saying the same back?

The last one was from her where after he complained about my family being too money focused and not liking him she said
"They are shallow, I'd give all the money in the world for a guy like you"

AIBU to feel weird about these? He comments quite a lot about how gorgeous she is and he's going to London this weekend to party with her, so I might be being paranoid.

YANBU. The messages have crossed a line, and it’s unsurprising you feel vulnerable especially as you are pregnant.

I know this is not the point of your message, but he thinks it’s somehow justifiable to cheat if the person is less attractive? Hopefully with that one he’s just clumsily trying to prop her self esteem back up.

Regarding the cloning thing, she’s definitely after him and will definitely be putting the moves on him when he goes to ‘party with her’. I don’t necessarily think he’s done anything wrong yet. But the line is very blurry and they have an unhealthy dynamic. I don’t think this is going to turn out well.

He is doing something wrong @CatFlautist he's signalled his interest. Not intent to act, but that he readily views her as more than a friend.

I'd be very upset about this

I think it’s fine for married men and women to have good friends of the opposite sex, for sure. But to be texting them until 3am? That’s crossing a line. Offering to clone himself, that conversation is not ok. They are flirting and setting the scene for an affair. She’s making it very clear she’s interested.

Given those messages, I would be very unhappy about him going to “party” with her right now. The dynamic has changed, she is clearly looking for comfort and he’s making all the noises to indicate his interest. Nope. Absolutely not.

I agree with pp: they have crossed a line.
They have shown each other they have mutual sexual attraction.
I wouldn't be happy about him going off to spend a weekend with her after seeing these messages.
You really need to have a serious conversation with him. He should be focusing on you and your expected baby not propping up his friends ego by indulging in sexual shenanigans with her.

It's the damsel-in-distress scenario. The safe female friend is now single and in need of rescuing, so he's like a ferret down a drainpipe.

They've overstepped the mark and it needs nipping in the bud.

Shut that shit down asap OP. I’d be making it very clear that going “partying” with this woman is completely unacceptable. If he wants to keep his relationship with you and his child then he needs to send her a message making it clear he’s taken and he’s not going to engage on this level with her. If it was my DP I’d insist he didn’t have any contact at all actually. He’s been very disrespectful to you.

Yeah this would cross a line with me. Sorry

I saw one of those instagram reels the other day, saying never insult/complain about your wife to another woman. He said the majority of affairs start because a man complains about his wife and the woman in front of him immediately responds by 'bigging him up' taking his side. 'Well she doesn't appreciate you'. 'She sounds like a nag'. 'You deserve better' or in your case 'They're shallow, I'd give all the money in the world for a guy like you'

The line has been crossed. You are right to be concerned.

Don’t marry him. Sounds like he is after your money.

YANBU at all. Emotional affair starting up/already started. They've both massively overstepped.

Absolutely not ok. He’s up till 3am sending flirty messages about how attractive she is? It’s how people behave at the start of a relationship. The issue is if you confront him, you’d have to admit you were looking at his phone, which obviously isn’t really ok.

Sorry this does feel as though they have both crossed a line. She’s clearly looking for some validation after being cheated on and newly single and he’s getting carried along with it. Agree this needs to be shut down before it goes any further

Oh dear there’s no coming back from this

He has made his feelings and desires perfectly clear

You can’t un see!

I don't know what to tell you. I have a very close friend, he is like a brother to me. He is genuinely the nicest man I know and I feel 100% comfortable to say anything to him. When I had a breakup, we also talked for several days and yes, he would absolutely tell me similar things, trying to prop up my self esteem. And at the time, the idea of having his clone by my side would have seemed very appealing. Not because I fancy him but because I feel he is the closest the most supportive person I have and gives me a great comfort knowing he is in my life. Things get blow up out of proportion at vulnerable times and I would try my best not to read too much into it.
Incidentally, this is why I have a policy of never looking at anyone's phone and never letting anyone look at mine. Not because I think there is anything to hide but because I know how strong confirmation bias can be.

The flirty messages aside, he shouldn't be discussing or badmouthing your family to her, or anyone else! That would piss me off just as much as his shitty chat.

Agree with others, he's putting the feelers out. He maybe has no intention of making a move but even if it's just for an ego boost it's pathetic.

If they wanted to be together they would have already. I don't think you need to worry, he's just trying to make her feel better. But ofcoirse it's not ok because he's in a relationship with you and should know better. You're not being unreasonable. Fess up to reading his messages and talk it out.

This would be crossing a line for me too. Casually putting your family down to build her self esteem isn’t what I would expect from a loving partner.
I think you should say to your DP that you know they were texting into the early hours of the morning and it’s not appropriate. Ask him how he would feel if you were texting a man at 3am!

They are both testing the waters, and both clearly up for it.

I'd take pics of the messages, but would have a chat later saying something like you know you might be paranoid - pregnancy hormones etc - but him messaging til 4am is bugging you a bit, what were they chatting about til that time?

If he doesn't immediately offer to show you to put your mind at rest then you have your answer.

This really isn't the case, I don't have any money, neither do my family. My family are just annoyed I'm with someone making 25k a year rather than more than that. But I don't have any money either and nor do they.

Don't marry him even if he isn't after your money.. he can't be trusted

So he just insults your family. Sorry but you will always be the second prize he is obviously in love with this woman.

Some of the comments I’d see as friend trying to be supportive, like the “you’re gorgeous” type thing I’ve absolutely said to my friends when they’ve been cheated on so I don’t think that’s too out of bounds really. But the “clone” “yes please” I do think crosses a line.

YANBU. Breakups are upsetting and of course he wants to support his friend and she wants his support, but since he's in a relationship they both need to be extremely careful that this hand-holding doesn't turn into something else. They are not being careful. I'd suggest talking to your DP about what you've seen, and asking if he's still committed to you or hoping for a relationship with her. You'll tell a lot from the way he responds.