To feel uncomfortable with this message exchange

[Notjustmeah]

My DP and I have been together for 2 years, we are expecting our first baby.
Generally life is good for us, he has one friend, wouldn't say they are very close as she lives in London, but they have been friends since they were teens. She's literally drop dead gorgeous, tall, skinny with abs, great figure etc.
For the whole time we've been together she's been in a relationship, so I've not really thought too hard about her, and like I said she's in London so he only sees her a few times a year when she comes up.
Now she's going through a break up and the guy cheated on her and she's is devastated. She's been messaging DP a lot more and he makes a lot of time to talk to her.
Last night he was up messaging her until gone 3am, almost 4. I had a feeling something was off, he never messages her for that long. This morning I decided to have a look while he was still sleeping, I know, I know I shouldn't have but it was really bothering me.
These messages have bothered me.

"I don't get why anyone would cheat on you, you're literally like Angelina Jolie and Kiera Knightley combined"

Then in a convo about how crap men are he was like I don't get how it's so hard to be a good guy. He then said
"If I learn how to clone you can have another me?" She replied "omg yes please that's a need"

This feels like he was saying he'd date her and her saying the same back?

The last one was from her where after he complained about my family being too money focused and not liking him she said
"They are shallow, I'd give all the money in the world for a guy like you"

AIBU to feel weird about these? He comments quite a lot about how gorgeous she is and he's going to London this weekend to party with her, so I might be being paranoid.

Yep, this. As far as he's concerned it'll be game on at this party.

As for what to do, well, nothing's happened yet AFAYK so.......you could just invite yourself to the party, his reaction to that will be interesting.

At best he's been thoughtless and inappropriate and allowed himself to get carried away with a fantasy that in reality is not what he would actually choose. At worst he's all out going for it.

The first message was ok in my view but the others weren't. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, OP.

Her size, shape and appearance are distracting in your post - it's your partner's behaviour and messaging towards her (and her to him) that are off.

It's pretty difficult to say as it depends so much on the whole dynamic between them.

I told a (single) male friend on Facebook that he looked hot in a shirtless photo yesterday. I'm blissfully happy with my partner of 21 years, and have no interest in any kind of relationship with my friend. Neither would my friend ever want a relationship with me. But my friend's been having a shit time lately and has been pretty down, and related to that he's had some pretty significant insecurities about his appearance/body image and about his current single status (long story but he's been treated badly in the past). He looked great in the photo and it wouldn't even occur to me not to compliment any friend who looked great, especially one who I knew was feeling a bit shit about themselves, whether they were male or female. My partner wouldn't think anything of this at all; it wouldn't even register with him as a potential issue.

However, my partner also knows the general dynamic I have with my friends and that I'm pretty open with compliments etc, and he also knows I have lots of male friends; he has more female friends than male ones too, I'd say. I'm sure he might feel differently if I had one special male friend and was talking about cloning myself to provide a partner for him, or if there was a generally different vibe to my friendships. I think only you really know what your instincts are telling you, and why.

@ItGhoul , you told a close friend he looked hot, not told him he was giving you fanny-gallops. There's a difference.

Your post missed out the bit where you explain how you know he wouldn't have cheated on his partner with you?

Clearly flirting with each other. Sorry op.

This is unacceptable. Tell him that he’ll be a father soon. Tell her to back off. If you split she’ll be dealing with being a step mother with shared care. That should put a stop to her getting her claws into your dh. Tell him that if he doesn’t stop by this he’ll be a single dad all because of this idiot woman.

He has crossed the line

I wouldnt be putting up with that

I am usually fairly relaxed about these things, but you do need to act on this one. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. 💐

When you said they had been messaging at 3am, my first thought was that she couldn’t sleep and might be suicidal, in which case, a good friend would definitely be supportively messaging in response. But it wasn’t that vibe at all.

Haha, let him go OP. He'll try to date her and she'll drop him in a second. That will give you a giggle. She's just wanting the attention due to recent break up, they'd have dated already if she was at all truly interested.

Bet he stays overnight at that party. I'd plan to be there

That’s completely unreasonable of them then. Do they not like him because they think he should earn more even though they don’t and you don’t? What’s their logic? I can understand why he is unhappy about it.

I would be unhappy about those 3am texts and him going with her to a party this weekend! Can you go?

Obviously, I do not have abilities to read his mind. But, seeing that we are friends for many many years and in that time we've had periods of us both being single, we had a lot of opportunities to get together if we wanted to. So, on balance of probability, I'd say there is very little chance of him cheating on his partner with me. Even if he wanted to, I wouldn't allow it.

He is going to London to party with a newly single friend when his partner is pregnant? I would tell him not to come back.

He’s dipping his toe in.

I think a no phones in the bedroom rule is good for a marriage. Your spouse should be the last person you interact with at night and the first person you interact with in the morning (kids aside) before you message anyone else. Otherwise it’s not healthy.

(I say that as a phone addict who is currently getting this wrong in My marriage).

This is how I would approach it.

”Love… can we talk about the fact that you’re on your phone messaging someone else at 3am? Do I have anything to worry about…?”

[wait for his response] and:

”You know this is a really vulnerable time for me, don’t you? I’m putting my body on the line here to grow our baby. I need to feel like you are 100% on my side, here. Do you think it’s a good time to be telling another woman that she’s like two Hollywood actresses combined? How do you think that makes me feel?”

[when he kicks off about you reading his phone… just absorb the anger and the defensiveness]

”You’re right, I shouldn’t have read the messages. I’m sorry. Like I said… do I have anything to worry about here?

Do you think it’s a good idea to be going our partying in London with […] when you clearly fancy her, and leaving your pregnant wife behind?”

... and leaving your pregnant wife behind

Not wife, partner. Makes no difference to the twattishness of this man but it might to any possible fall out.

I read this as though some dormant attraction has been awaked by her change in circumstances and they're very likely to have sex asap at this point. If the relationship ends with you OP they will possibly date for a few months to try and give it a go so he doesn't feel like he's thrown it all away for a shag.

Yes, I thought this. Wouldn't be happy.

Texting another woman flirty messages
Chatting until 3am with this woman
Telling this woman how gorgeous she is
Offering her a version of himself
Slagging off your family
Going off to party for a weekend when you are pregnant.

Not a great list from a partner. I would be annoyed by one of these things, let alone all of them!

It sounds from these messages that if the opportunity arose during his weekend in London then he would 100% take it. Otherwise he would be shutting down flirty comments or saying "sorry, big day tomorrow, going to sleep now" and not staying up until 3-4am.

They have known each other since being teens so presumably they could've had a go at things before, but didn't get together. Why? Has she always been in a relationship? Or was he not a great prospect when he was single and it is only now that she sees other women are interested in him that she is considering it?

It's inappropriate and disrespectful. No.

The irony that her partner cheated on her but she’s messaging a man with a partner and a child on the way, in this manner. I can’t bear women who do this. Having been on the receiving end I find it maddening that a woman would ever be a part of that kind of betrayal. Don’t hide behind your anxiety - make it crystal clear that he’s crossed a line and it’s not acceptable. Ultimately though, you can stop it from happening so you either have to trust him (some men are trustworthy) or not. And if you don’t, he has to earn it or the relationship is done.

I’m a “men and women can be close friends” person, and I’m in a polyamorous marriage, (all of which is to say I’m not someone who is easily made uncomfortable by close friendships and more between men and women) and this screams emotional affair to me. I’m sorry he’s treating you this way, and you deserve better.

I mean, it's within the context of bulling up a good friend who is broken hearted 'come on, you're great!! Any man would be lucky to have you!' but he's taken it too far by making it sound like he is interested, whatever his intention. And the conversation about your family crossed similar lines. It may be intended as confidence boosting 'you're worth more than any flash Harry' but hours of that late at night has made it all a bit personal and maudlin, plus disloyal to you.

It's not clear whether it's all rooted in interest or mutual ego boosting but I think one could lead to the other so I would nip it in the bud.

I would accept I was looking and ask what's the deal. If he offers to not go on the next London trip take him up on it.

Bur if she didn't read his messages how would she know what's going on?

All's fair in love and war.